Pregnant 4th - low income. Wwyd?

[1256babyor455]

Morning mumsnetters,

Please be gentle I don't think I can handle the ruthlessness of some of the aibu posters!

So as you can see I've just recently found out I'm pregnant with my 4th...a bit of background: I lost my mum three weeks ago, I've been a bit all over with myself and we realised I hadn't taken the pill as I usually do. So I quickly got the morning after pill and its resulted in two pink lines...I must of ovulated beforehand. I'm in shock, terrified and a whole host of mixed emotions...I'm so angry with myself for not being more with it and being wrapped up in my own grief.

Practical and sensible side is telling me to book a consultation with the abortion clinic - we have 3 children to think about. We have a modest / low income DH is on minimum wage (full time) and I'm on a small part time wage. We rent a 4 bed house- we have been in it for eight years now, it's very old/ dated - everything is starting to fall apart. We've been trying to save for a deposit but it's a constant one step forward two step backward type of situation in regards so it seems that we'll be renting indefinitely. At the moment we can stretch to a small five day uk holiday a year, with a couple of days out thrown in a month. The children are clothed and fed - I spend my spare hours scouring ebay, charity shops, free sites for clothes and toys but there's not much wiggle room in the budget...how we would we afford acitivies and hobbies for another? How would we afford days out? How would I give all my children the time that they need? How would I tell work I need a fourth lot of maternity leave? How will family react?

My heart is aghast, I feel like it's a gift from my mum and the financial situation that is the biggest factor in this may change? We already have all the baby equipment, the larger car, the two double rooms in the house can be split into two (we rent from a family friend) or we could use one of the reception rooms downstairs. Days out and expensive hobbies arent essential- i grew up with little money and we had one seaside holiday a year I never went to gymnastics or swimming and I adored my childhood. I've had two miscarriages in the past and this seems to go against everything I had dreamed of and wanted. How would I feel at 70 or 80? Would I always be looking for that other face in the photographs?

But we aren't in the best financial position and it impacts the futures of my current kids...I just need some help, experiences, advice?

If you went ahead with a pregnancy did you regret it? If you didn't do you regret it now? Or is it the right decision?

@NowEvenBetter

Utterly unhelpful of people to be saying nonsense like ‘it’s a gift’ ‘it’s a sign’. Keep your mum on jumbo to yourself, it’s inappropriate on a thread like this. Good luck OP, the best decision is giving the best life to the three kids you’ve already made.

Have any of the people encouraging you to keep the embryo sent you the £250,000 it costs to raise a person to 18yrs old? Didn’t think so.

Completely agree with this. It's not a gift or a sign, it's circumstantial and not unexpected if you inadvertently had unprotected sex (for understandable reasons, I don't mean that in a judgemental way).

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP, that's a lot of emotional upheaval for one person in a short amount of time. I would caution against projecting your feelings of loss over your Mum onto this pregnancy. A new baby won't make you miss her less and isn't a replacement for her. Personally, I think the the right thing to do is the best by your existing children, and in this situation it sounds like termination is the right thing. With the cost of living only increasing, the current economic position looking precarious and like expenses are going to keep rising and kids getting more expensive as they get older, will adding another baby into the mix mean you're stretched to the point that it really impacts them and makes life very hard for you all? Money doesn't just appear because another baby does, and I've seen lots of people on other posts like this saying "You'll find a way to afford it." but that can't always be the case.

Ultimately, it's a decision only you can make, but making a difficult decision to do the best thing for your existing children, whatever that decision turns out to be, is something that is really admirable.

Oh god this is so hard.

You have time to think about this so breathe & be kind to yourself.

Money doesn't buy happiness and you're children don't need those material things but you're also not wrong to consider all your options.

You sound like a wonderful mother and partner to so thoughtfully be considering everyone else's needs and wants as well as dealing with your own feelings. Your family are lucky to have you whatever you choose.

@kittykat33

Money doesn't buy happiness but let's be honest it buys choices for us Aswell as the dc already here.

I find people saying money doesn't buy happiness have never been truly skint and fighting off bailiffs

Hi all thank you for the replies and thoughts.

We have for now decided to terminate. However we both are fluctuating quite terribly as every day passes. I wish I could get into the clinic sooner (they have no appointments until February) so when I'm thinking sensibly I could act upon it before my emotional side takes over.

Thanks again x

I think the fact that you don't 100% NOT want another baby as you state in this post, means you would quite possibly regret not keeping this baby down the line.

Yes finances are a consideration, but I think people nowadays are abit OTT about that.Of course, your children born and unborn would need a warm and secure loving home, to have enough food and appropriate clothing, but ultimately kids don't 'need' alot materially....expensive toys, clubs, days out to attractions, high quality food and holidays every year are nice to have but second hand toys, cheap or free activities, camping holidays or the like can still be great fun for them.

If you can still afford the basic essentials that's the main thing, and if you can and want another child anyway then I don't think finances are a reason not to go ahead.

I think if you feel like you will be 'haunted the rest of your days' your current children could well be impacted if you continuously feel emotionally distressed.

Just another POV though....only you know your situation and feelings best xx

So it's been a year, almost, since I saw those two pink lines on that test and my life was turned on it's head. This time last year I was neck deep in grief and hadn't realised I had new life beneath me. I wanted to update for anyone in a similar situation- I often read threads and wondered what happened a year, two years down the line?

I firstly wanted to thank those posters and mnetters who took their time to be kind and supportive as well as honest and more thorough during a very difficult time for me - we need more people like you in the world.

I'm no longer pregnant, nor do I have a 3 month old who has just experienced their first Christmas. Instead I have a moment, one single moment that I think of every single day. It has affected my mental health and I'm now on diazapam for the anxiety attacks. However I still feel that I made the best decision for my earthside children, just not the best decision for me.

The termination was as other posted noted just like a period, but I was torn after taking the first set of tablets. Some might find that you take them and never think of it again but that moment has been imprinted in my mind, and I have flashbacks daily.

My husband and I found new jobs within four weeks of the termination and we moved in with a family friend whilst we sorted out the housing situation . My dh now works away but we are a lot more comfortable financially. I found work too - mine is a lot more flexible. I had an influx of work during the spring & summer months which meant we could use the small sum of money my mum left towards a house deposit. We found a do-er upper- it'll probably take us ten years to do but it meant a secure home and no longer extortionate rentals. We bought in the first few days of autumn, when I was meant to hold flesh, I held brass.

I miss my little one every day, I think about what she would of looked like, her smile, her name, her personality. I have to admit I found Christmas hard this year- alongside the usual morning phone call from my mum which never rang, my baby was missing from the Christmas morning scene and thats due to me and myself alone. The only people who know about her are you- a handful of strangers, my DH and a nurse that I never met in person. Her only existence lives briefly on these pages.

I'll be 32 this year and I'm a shell of who I was or ever would of been, yet on the flip side I'm determined never to be in financial hardship ever again. I never want to be in a situation whereby money (and lack of) overrules my heart. We now have food in the fridge, money in the bank, we have an affordable price to pay for the house we live in (and thats fixed for five years!) and we can hopefully financially support the children we have into adulthood (and beyond).

But my, oh my, does my heart hurt I still can't quite believe the choice I made.

I'm so sorry OP, I didn't realise this was an old thread. I've asked for my comment to be removed. Thank you for updating. My heart is with you. As I said, I too have terminated in the past & it's one of those things that leaves an emotional scar but in time the pain gets lighter & it makes you a stronger person. You made the best decision for your children & family in your circumstances. What more could you have done. Please don't be hard on yourself. Sending you a hug. Take care x

Sending love and hope you are doing well OP x

I hope you're doing well and things have gotten even brighter for you, OP.

Please don't punish yourself for making the decision that you did. Who knows, maybe in the future you can go on to have another baby if you and your partner decide you would like to. Wishing you the best 💐