I cant believe I'm writing this

[Shocked33]

I'm in my mid thirties, married to a supportive husband. Both have good jobs, own a really lovely home, financially ok-ish.

We have 3 children. An older child, a preschooler and a 10mo baby.

Between the older child and preschooler we had multiple miscarriages, and 2 ectopic pregnancies.

We were about to start IVF after a break from ttc when we conceived the preschooler.

We then naturally conceived our youngest child and were delighted, small age gap but just amazed as I was told I would never conceive naturally again.

During that Pregnancy I nearly died. I got a very rare drug reaction and have been left partially disabled. This will likely be life long and I do require surgery too. I current cannot work, and had mapped out a future career.

It was all life changing,but it was okay it was a new path. I had accepted it.

I am on the pill. We have slept together once. I'm pregnant.

I'm about 5 weeks, not sure what even made me test.

DH does not want this baby. I think this will break our marriage no matter which way we go.

I've booked bpas who want to scan me. I don't think mentally I can handle that.

13 years ago I was bullied into a termination by an ex partner. I am Irish, so was living in at home. He was my world and I thought he was the one.

He threw 500 euro at me and told me to go. He dropped me at the airport, I took the tablets and lost the baby in a hotel room on my own. It was horrific, I won't go into details but the pain and what I saw was awful. I have lived with regret, shame and guilt ever since. He picked me up from the airport and never a word was said about it again, apart from him commenting I had blood on my trousers and I was therefore an embarrassment.

I don't know if I can do that again, but again I nearly died last time. Our parents would be horrified, I don't think DH would leave me, he would be supportive it would be very difficult to ever return home to Ireland.

I'm flicking through my phone book and there is absolutely no one I can speak to about this.

I always said I would never ever be in this position again. The pill was taken right as its in a dosset box of my medication which is currently 32 tablets a day for this life changing and life limiting condition.

Can I ask what you would do please?

No one on here can tell you what to do. But whatever you decide will be the right decision x

I’m really sorry you are in this position x

@ThreeLocusts

OP, I'm so sorry. I had a situation once where my partner pushed me to abort when I didn't want to. It was hellish. That man in your past is an utter bastard.

As for now, I find it a bit odd that your dp is more worried about the baby stage than your health, which seems the main concern. Not great of him.

It sounds a little bit like you're tempted to 'go all in' for motherhood with a fourth child, now that your career is shot anyway because of your health. I think I've seen this before - formerly very career focused women filling their lives with children when parenting messes up their career prospects.

I'm not sure what if anything follows if this dynamic is at play. Just thought it might be worth pointing out as a data point. I hope you find a solution that preserves your relationship. It sounds like you have done amazingly well to get this far.

I think this is my issue, he's so black and white, almost military about it. Its a yes or a no. It doesn't need emotion apparently.

I think the baby stage bothers him as he handles little sleep terribly and one of them still sleeps terribly

I'd lost one career and mapped out another it's nothing that can't be changed. I wasn't happy in my current career anyway when our 3rd was convinced so the maternity leave was a welcome relief even if I did spend most of it in hospital

My condition is getting better but it is life changing and somewhat life limiting.

This whole scenario goes against all my values and beliefs that's the worst bit.

The festive period isn't helping and I've so many people around me pregnant or with newborns.

@kalidasa

It's not clear to me whether pregnancy is actually in itself a serious threat to your health given your existing condition; or rather that, given the huge complication you had last time and the lasting consequences for you, you had reasonably decided definitely not to have another. Will pregnancy make your condition worse? Honestly in your situation I don't think I would be able to terminate unless the pregnancy posed a very serious and direct threat to me. But I think I would be facing the same dilemma re my husband / feeling like the marriage might fail either way. Can you arrange some emergency counselling for you and your husband together?

I think its both, my condition is so so rare that there will be lots of unknowns. My medication which has only just stabilised will have to be looked at, I'd be unable to breastfeed.

Pregnancy could cause a relapse, but again it may not.

I feel honestly my marriage is doomed either way by the way I'm being shot down. I've suggested emergency counselling as a couple, there is absolutely no chance he will do it, I've begged and pleaded already.

And yes he is aware of my previous experience.

I'm sorry im not sure why things are posting /not posting.

I'd honestly love to just crawl into bed and not face this.

I feel for you, I can hear in your writing the pain you are in.
I have a medical history which made pregnancy and especially birth high risk I remember getting pregnant the first time (unplanned) and the worry it put my parents and husband under. I then wanted a sibling for my child had great difficulties getting pregnant - again high risk especially the birth. The second time something clicked in my head that as much as I would have loved more children, I needed to be present for the two I had. Even my husband jokes that he’s reckons my Dad would kill him if I got pregnant again as they don’t want to loose me :) Ive managed to get a good career under my belt since my second as well.
I know this is very wanted by you due to your past trauma and you are in a very difficult position. Definitely seek counselling and speak to your husband - I know if I was to get pregnant my husband would ask me not to go through with it - not because it wasn’t wanted - but in case he lost me it comes from a different place in his heart which I think would make him seem cold as I don’t think he could express himself very well (Still be my choice in the end)
Sending hugs

Hand on heart I think you need to choose you and your health over continuing with the pregnancy. The risks of you not surviving sound notable.

However the huge issue in this is your H lack of compassion and emotional support. I think that is the conversation to focus on that no matter the decision made his lack of care and compassion for you and your feelings is also destroying you.

I'm really sorry OP this is such a tough decision. I think if you genuinely feel your marriage is over anyway then you should be clear about that with your DH and then decide purely on the basis of what you think is best for you & your children / what you can most live with. But I think you have to try to be honest with your husband that this is how serious it feels to you. Is there any chance also of getting some medical advice given the rarity of your condition? Could you call your consultant's secretary and see whether there's any chance of a phone call? I was very seriously ill in pregnancy, with DS2 I was in hospital for two months, and deciding to try for the third was a huge decision. I don't know how we'd have coped if faced with an unplanned pregnancy.

I don't have any great advice but just to reassure you that they don't show you the scan in an early termination setting - the screen is placed away from you. I was in the same boat 15 years ago and was scanned to check dates, but didn't see a thing.

I hope you manage to come to a decision that's right for you

You are looking at this pregnancy through the lens of the former you, the you who was forced to have an abortion, and the you who lost babies desperately tried for another.

You need to try to remove those lenses and look clearly through the lens of the situation you are in now. Forget what DH wants for now. What do you want? Do you want another baby? Is it worth risking your life for? Is it the right thing for your family, your existing children? Is it the right thing for you?

If you think ending the pregnancy is the right and sensible decision for you and your family, don't resist that because of how your DH is acting. Come to the conclusion by yourself and he can come along with you, or not, but for you to live with your decision it has to be yours and yours alone.

I had a totally different scenario to this but a decision to make about keeping a baby or not. I couldn't say what I would have told someone else to do but when I came up with another question, which family would I want to bring up the boy I had, it became crystal clear. So would it help to ask which family you would choose for your children, the one who chose to keep the baby and come what may, or the family who chose to not take that gamble, potentially with your health? Both are really difficult and very brave choices.

Thank you for everyone's really really kind words

Unfortunately, I cant access counselling through BPAS until after the scan

Oh OP, it's clear from your posts how much you have suffered in the past and how difficult you are finding this situation

What a shame your husband can't be more empathetic and supportive. The answer might be obvious to him but that shouldn't mean that he can't acknowledge the fact that it's difficult for you and stirring up a lot of emotions.

It sounds to me as if you have some unresolved trauma from your difficult experiences and he is clearly not the person to help you navigate your current situation given how much it is triggering you.

Can you afford private counselling? If not could you ask your GP as they should know about counselling services that are available, either NHS or charity (free or low cost).

Is it possible to attend the scan at BPAS and ask them to keep the screen and images away from your line of sight? Surely it must be quite common for women not to want to look at the scans.

OP, you need counselling and so you need the scan. That's the first thing.

Your DH isn't making things easy for you, I totally accept that - but he's likely petrified. Petrified that he might lose you and petrified that three children might lose their mother.

You need help and support IRL to come to a decision that's right for you right now. I completely agree with the pp who said you're seeing this through the lens of you however long ago who was forced into terminating. Those shadows are long, you need expert support to unpick all this.

I wish you well and have infinite compassion for you and whatever decision you make. Also, you don't need to tell your parents anything. Or your evil relatives.

I'm going to try and access counselling I think the quickest way I can

I thought I'd share an update. So whilst I was chatting on this thread I spoke to my gp and bpas.

Bpas urgently scanned and dated me. Yes, definitely pregnant. There was no heartbeat at that time.

They couldn't offer me immediate treatment due to my condition and its taken weeks of going around the houses and been talk of London and the other 2nd largest city near us as no one could take me on.

I called my gp and all my consultants who whilst understanding and feeling I probably could handle another pregnancy, including the obstetrician I had with my babies were understanding I was exploring other avenues, that are getting harder.

Eventually somewhere has nearly 2 hours from me. I met with them today. On my own, I was allowed not even my husband with me, nor will I at the time.

There is now a heartbeat.

They can't help me for a month, possibly, more. They won't allow me tablets despite all consultants backing.

It has to be a surgical with a night's stay.
He didn't put me at ease he said 'don't worry we will just hoover it out, get rid of it and wake you up, you can forget all about it, here's a leaflet'

Should add I felt like a number but this is the hospital that I was under the reoccurrence miscarriage clinic for and misdiagnosed my ectopic.....

I feel numb but strangely attatched.

That's awful

Do what’s right for you, and no-one else. Speak to the medical experts. What’s the risk?

The surgeon wasn’t very empathetic - in fact he was horrible.

If you want the baby, keep it.

I think I'd like to carry on now, nor sure how financially we would make it work and I'm very worried about the other children.

But the way everything has been, I know the wait time can't be helped and I'm a special case but is this not a blessing?

I wish I knew, I wish I had the answer.

The thought of going In to be put to sleep to be auctioned and wake up, go home is just terrifying. Especially as kll be totally on my own