What would YOU do?

[CPHB2021]

I firstly want to say, I know no one can make a decision for me but I am so on the fence I would be very grateful to know which route you personally would choose.

Myself and DH have 2 DC 5&2. We are very settled and life is starting to become, dare I say it, somewhat easy. We have a lovely routine. I work night shifts and so we pay no childcare and I am always around. It's taken a while to find a balance that fits our family but we finally feel we are in a good position emotionally and this coming year is one in which we can really start giving ourself a cushion financially.
We decided to try for no.3 after always saying we would only have 2. After one month of TTC, before the BFP, we actually agreed we were being silly and that we wanted to stick at 2 after all. We barely DTD and thought I wouldn't have fallen pregnant.
Fast forward to now, 4 weeks and a termination phone appointment has been booked. DH very keen for termination although we both decided it was best, I am now having major doubts that I will regret it BUT, I don't even know if I see myself with another one.
We would struggle financially for a while with me on Mat leave and it would have an impact ( who knows if pos or neg ) on our DC. I fear deeply that I am just being swept up with the idea of a baby and that I cannot even imagine us with another child, and yet that questioning won't leave 'what if'

@LocalHobo

Like others say, you will manage if you continue with the pregnancy. However I believe a termination can be a positive decision. Keep a level head, imagine where you want to be in your life in 3 years, 8 years etc. Sending good wishes whichever decision you reach.

I don't see myself or I can't imagine myself spreading the time across three children. I can't imagine how I would love another so fiercely, I knew I would love my second btw, I never ever had a concern dividing myself by 2.

@BudgeSquare did you have doubts leading up to it? Yesterday I was very confident that it was the right decision and the best one, maybe not for me but for our family as a whole.

In your position I would have the baby. I've been in a worse situation and decided against a termination (I booked the initial appointment but never attended). I do kind of believe in signs/fate so I would see this as a sign. I know that's a bit 'woo' but that's how I am 😂 can't help it I see signs in much smaller things a lot of the time.

I personally wouldn’t if I wasn’t 100% sure

[quote CPHB2021]@BudgeSquare did you have doubts leading up to it? Yesterday I was very confident that it was the right decision and the best one, maybe not for me but for our family as a whole. [/quote]
Yes, I had some doubts. I think pregnancy makes you want to do all you can to keep it going. But that doesn't mean it's the right thing.
My termination was now 24 years ago & I have never regretted it. I had another unplanned pregnancy in 2019 & I was booked in for another termination but I miscarried naturally beforehand.

@TheLastLonelyBakedBean

In your position I would have the baby. I've been in a worse situation and decided against a termination (I booked the initial appointment but never attended). I do kind of believe in signs/fate so I would see this as a sign. I know that's a bit 'woo' but that's how I am 😂 can't help it I see signs in much smaller things a lot of the time.

It's a sign of having had unprotected sex during your fertile window. That's it

Thank you all. It's so amazing to have this app and be able to ask questions and opinions, to be supported and advised. I am so grateful. I am still VERY confused. I want to tell my mum but I know she will be pro the pregnancy. She has 4 children and was a SAHM, fortunately my dad was able to provide a very privileged upbringing for us. This is not comparable to our situation. I haven't even told my best friend.

For me I didn't make my decision until the morning I was meant to go for the appointment. I woke up that morning and just knew that I wanted to keep that baby no matter what. I did a total U-turn in 24 hours and although things have been difficult I have always known that I made that choice. Nobody pushed me into it either way.

It's up to us how we interpret the world around us. I try to see these "forks in the road" as moments to really work out what does or doesn't matter to us. There is no right or wrong answer, and I will fight for other women's right to choose always. I am so glad I got to make a choice. I got to weigh up my options and to work out whether my heart and head were in alignment or not. I'm grateful every day for the choice I made that day, but I could only make it because having used forums and advice lines and spoke to me people and written it all out and all the rest of it, I sat in a quiet place, let everything else fall away and took the time to listen to what I wanted in my soul. That might sound cheesy, but that's where I was at. You could call it meditating or praying or whatever you want. I just had to find my answer. I hope that you find the answer that is right for you and that you are at peace with it.

@TheLastLonelyBakedBean

For me I didn't make my decision until the morning I was meant to go for the appointment. I woke up that morning and just knew that I wanted to keep that baby no matter what. I did a total U-turn in 24 hours and although things have been difficult I have always known that I made that choice. Nobody pushed me into it either way.

It's up to us how we interpret the world around us. I try to see these "forks in the road" as moments to really work out what does or doesn't matter to us. There is no right or wrong answer, and I will fight for other women's right to choose always. I am so glad I got to make a choice. I got to weigh up my options and to work out whether my heart and head were in alignment or not. I'm grateful every day for the choice I made that day, but I could only make it because having used forums and advice lines and spoke to me people and written it all out and all the rest of it, I sat in a quiet place, let everything else fall away and took the time to listen to what I wanted in my soul. That might sound cheesy, but that's where I was at. You could call it meditating or praying or whatever you want. I just had to find my answer. I hope that you find the answer that is right for you and that you are at peace with it.

Thank you. I have 6 days until my phone consultation and then presumably a few more days before my call with the nurse, who will decide if they will post the pills or if I must attend a clinic. I just feel so very confused. I absolutely adore being a mum, everyone has always known me as being as peace around children. But I do find my 2 difficult sometimes and though i know I would cope, I worry how hard it would truly be to have another one. I think I am swaying towards a termination and feeling incredibly lucky to have the choice to decide this.

I would have the baby. If there was a third potentially on the cards I think it's a sign it's meant to be. There's very rarely a perfect time or a perfect situation:)

After thinking my family was complete with two children (boy and girl) I discovered I was expecting a third just before my husband's planned vasectomy.

I had read a poem about abortion when I was at university and even though I agree with the right to choose I couldn't personally consider an abortion having the words of that poem imprinted in my mind.

I was genuinely frightened about the future. Finances, size of car, bedrooms, shoes, birthdays, Christmases.

We managed. Had a traditional three bedroom semi. Two children in larger bedroom, one in the 'box' room.

My mother shared a double bed with three sisters. When her father went to work early he would remove his overcoat from the bed and then they would be cold in winter. Four girls and two boys in a three bedroom terrace without a bathroom. They managed. They remember a happy childhood - with lots of fun times.

I can't imagine life without my third child.

I cherish them all equally. Love expands to go around. I don't think my children feel they've missed out on anything or begrudge their siblings their existence.

All my children are adults now with their own families. I am thoroughly enjoying my grandchildren and family gatherings.

I'm really thankful I didn't have to make a choice.

@NanaPorsche

After thinking my family was complete with two children (boy and girl) I discovered I was expecting a third just before my husband's planned vasectomy.

I had read a poem about abortion when I was at university and even though I agree with the right to choose I couldn't personally consider an abortion having the words of that poem imprinted in my mind.

I was genuinely frightened about the future. Finances, size of car, bedrooms, shoes, birthdays, Christmases.

We managed. Had a traditional three bedroom semi. Two children in larger bedroom, one in the 'box' room.

My mother shared a double bed with three sisters. When her father went to work early he would remove his overcoat from the bed and then they would be cold in winter. Four girls and two boys in a three bedroom terrace without a bathroom. They managed. They remember a happy childhood - with lots of fun times.

I can't imagine life without my third child.

I cherish them all equally. Love expands to go around. I don't think my children feel they've missed out on anything or begrudge their siblings their existence.

All my children are adults now with their own families. I am thoroughly enjoying my grandchildren and family gatherings.

I'm really thankful I didn't have to make a choice.

Thank you. It's a very difficult decision to make. I just want to make a decision that will best impact my existing DC. I am grateful to be able to make the choice, but equally it makes it very difficult too. Appreciate your reply and it's lovely to hear you enjoying the benefits of a larger family.

Answering the question of what would I do - personally I would have the baby.

Many of the financial concerns that you have brought up are way in the future, and many of them what I would consider to be luxuries. I grew up in a financially very comfortable house, and I never had tutors, any expensive hobbies paid for, a car paid for or a contribution towards university costs. In fact I paid board to live at home from age 18. I had to get a job to pay for things, and I'm glad as it was a good life lesson in independence and budgeting!

I've suffered 3 losses and terminated one pregnancy (was on the pill) which was difficult but was the right thing for us at the time and my mental health. I was referred to the epu after the clinic as they couldn't date the pregnancy correctly, the midwife at the epu was very sympathetic and told me to book the appointment to terminate, if I couldn't go through with it/attend that was my answer. I never felt 100% sure tbh and my husband would of supported me either way I really didn't have a strong view of either option but had to act fast because I knew once baby had a heartbeat id struggle. I dont regret my decision at all. Hope you find whats right for you and can be at peace with it, it's not nice x

OP in your shoes I wouldn’t. I’d advise you to get some counselling and strip this right back to what YOU want. Not what your DH might want or your kids. Do you fundamentally want another baby? I don’t think it sounds like you do to be honest but that’s something for you to think about.

In your shoes I wouldn’t want another. I’m not one for muddling through though, I’d want the easier life. I don’t want to set myself up to struggle. I’d be worried about if that baby had additional needs or how I’d manage balancing everyone. But that’s so personal to who I am as a person.

You will always get people who had a termination and regretted it and those who didn’t and felt comfortable muddling through. It’s very intensely personal situations that may or may not be what you experience.

@clatterclatter

OP in your shoes I wouldn’t. I’d advise you to get some counselling and strip this right back to what YOU want. Not what your DH might want or your kids. Do you fundamentally want another baby? I don’t think it sounds like you do to be honest but that’s something for you to think about.

In your shoes I wouldn’t want another. I’m not one for muddling through though, I’d want the easier life. I don’t want to set myself up to struggle. I’d be worried about if that baby had additional needs or how I’d manage balancing everyone. But that’s so personal to who I am as a person.

You will always get people who had a termination and regretted it and those who didn’t and felt comfortable muddling through. It’s very intensely personal situations that may or may not be what you experience.

I am not sure. I feel so lucky and content with my 2. We have a good life and we are happy. I would hate for that to be ruined. I would also hate to beat myself up for years about the baby/child that should have been. I am not sure where to seek counselling?

I thought I would come back to update as found when I was desperate in my decision, no one came back to let anyone know their choice.
We decided to have a termination as we felt it would be better to regret a termination than a child.
I have taken the first tablet this evening and feel 100% confident in my decision, although expecting my hormones to change that over the coming days and weeks.
Appreciate every single comment on this thread.
Grateful for the support and the choices we are able to make as women in 2021.

Take care

Wishing you and your lovely family all the best

Also updating now, 6 months down the line. It was absolutely, unequivocally, the right choice for US. May not be for everyone, and I understand that and am so grateful to have the choice.
We occasionally talk about how pregnant I would be, or 'what if' questions but, they are never with sadness, just curiosity.
Hoping anyone who comes to this thread, in similar despair, comes to a peaceful decision. X