Well my life has just turned to sh*t

[BoredAndUnfulfilled]

Ok, I need some advice.

My partner and I have been going through a major rough patch over the last few months, and I’m officially done. I just can’t do it anymore, and have ended things. We’re still living together with our DS(6) and things are awkward to say the least, but we’re trying to be as civil as we can.
Last week, we found out I’m pregnant. I’m 38, suffer from CFS/ME and had a tough pregnancy with our DS. I don not want to put my body through another pregnancy, and I don’t want another child. The problem is, my ex is dead set against a termination and wants to have the baby and stay together.
I already have another DS from a previous marriage, where I was desperately unhappy and too scared to leave when I found out I was pregnant. I don’t want to make that mistake again.

Given my age/health issues/difficult last pregnancy, I feel that my ex is being incredibly selfish to even ask me to go through with the pregnancy. Every time I try to talk to him to discuss the matter, he says he just can’t talk as his head is going to explode. Because obviously, MY head is just bloody fantastic right now!

I’ve contacted BPAS and have a consultation next week, and I’m terrified. Ex is not being in the least bit supportive of my decision, all I get is “I just wish I could carry the baby for you so you didn’t have to murder it”.

I’ve always been pro-choice, it’s just not a choice I ever thought I would be able to make myself. I know it’s the right decision for me under the circumstances, but that doesn’t make it an easy one.

I’m not even sure why I’m posting on here tbh, I just need to get everything out of my head.

He has zero say over what you do with your body.

Zero.

As a previous poster mentioned, I'd be inclined to discreetly go for the termination then tell him you've miscarried. Providing you don't leave any documents relating to the appointments lying around the house and you delete any relevant e-mails etc from your phone/tablet/laptop, he'll have no choice to believe you.

Not an ideal solution but probably for the best in your situation.

Then get your ducks in a row, speak to your housing officer - lay it on thick that you've got health issues, a young son, and an asshole ex-partner who has just tried to force you into keeping a pregnancy you didn't want and advise them you need to be rehoused like yesterday.

Best of luck to you OP and I'm sorry you're going through this.

OP, your judgment is good, be strong and trust yourself. Your job, for the sake of your DS, is to make the choices that strengthen you as a person and a mother. That means keeping the home, and exercising your reproductive choice. Choices you make now are going to have a big impact on the rest of your life, so don't waver or compromise now.

You're doing the right thing. Stop communicating with him. Ask him to leave today and do what you need to do.

I'm your situation I'd have a termination and tell him that you've miscarried x

Second what PP said; he doesnt want the baby, its all about control. Do what is right for you and your child or your life really will turn to shit. Making a women have a baby is considered coercive control and abuse. This may aid you getting him out of the house.

[quote BoredAndUnfulfilled]@GiantHaystacks2021 I’ve already told him I’m not prepared to continue with the pregnancy. That’s why he’s being such a tool about things. He’s acting like a stroppy toddler who’s been told he can’t have a new toy.[/quote]
Ok.

I would now go ahead and book a termination for asap.
Say nothing.
Tell him you lost the baby. Rinse and repeat.
He doesn't deserve the truth anyway.
Do not give him any ammunition.

Also don't leave your home.

Just do it and tell him you had a miscarriage

Do not leave your home .
Your son and you need it .
My friend waited untill her husband was out of the house ,packed his stuff and locked him out ..housing association re housed him..
She explained she wanted to end it and he would not leave .

@GiantHaystacks2021

I would have a termination and not tell him. Then, I would tell him that I had miscarried.

I'm putting on my tin hat.

But sometimes a lie is the best escape, even if its a massive lie.

He sounds like a total knob.
And you're going to be the one left holding the baby anyway if you continue the pregnancy.

Yeah I’d do the same.

Do not be swayed by ex. 💐💐

I’m going to be blunt, please don’t take offence.

From a long term renter with kids (and we don’t have health problems)
Do not leave your house. Your kids need that secure house, you’ll struggle to privately rent due to not having an income. You’ll be at the whim of a private landlord selling up (there are no rentals right now, people are selling due to the high prices or air b and bing)
You generally can’t have pets, can’t paint your kids room let alone put a picture up. And if this landlord lets you have a pet, the next might not.
That’s before you have to pluck the moving costs out your arse at 2 months notice.
It’s no life for families

Your kids need that tenancy. If he’s able to work he is in a much much much better position to live the private rent cycle.

Oh God if you keep this baby you'll regret it so so much. He'll use you to control you and keep you stuck.

Take the pills, say it's a miscarriage. Cover your tracks really well. Then leave him and never look back.

I'm also saying do it and claim miscarriage. I'm sorry you are going through this.

One line really stuck out for me: I do not want to put my body through another pregnancy and I do not want another child.

Your mind is already made up, lass. Do not let your ex try to sway you - he is clearly using this pregnancy for control, to keep you on the hook and to keep you tied to him. I accept that having a termination where both parties aren't in agreement can be harder to go through than one where both parties agree, but I absolutely promise you continuing with a pregnancy with this man will be worse on your mental health in the long run.

AND DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME.

Why are you considering leaving the tenancy and presumably both children with him? Is that what you would prefer? As a previous poster said, if you don't want the children with you and he is willing to do most of the care day to day then its right that he should have the accommodation for their sake. Is that what you mean?

Where would your older DS go if you leave?

It seems really unwise to leave a secure tenancy when you’ve got two kids. I appreciate that you’re trying to be fair to him, but he’ll find it a lot easier to find suitable accommodation as one adult, rather than an adult with two children… and I don’t know how the council would view giving up your tenancy, they may decide that you’ve made yourself homeless by leaving.

Can you talk to the housing officer?

Thank you all for the responses, I appreciate the time everyone put into reading my post and replying. Sorry I haven’t been on for a while, I’ve been manic trying to get things sorted out.

I’m now living in a private rent close to my ex, and sharing childcare roughly 60/40 (he has the higher share due to my health issues). I had the termination, so that problem is no longer an issue thankfully.
Things are working pretty well to be fair, we speak daily and have been having dinner together as a family once a week, which still feels a bit strange but it isn’t unpleasant if that makes sense. We’ve both been mindful of each other’s feelings and needs, and obviously the feelings/needs of DS.
We’ve managed to untangle all of our finances, and things are going really well for both of us right now.

Don't leave your house! Have a termination, speak to the housing officer and get this guy out of there.