Abortion Regret

[Tomorrowsabetterday]

Hello,

I don’t know who needs to read this today but if you’re thinking of having an abortion, please please please do not consider it lightly.

Last week I had an abortion. I am 41 years old and I was expecting my ex boyfriends baby.

We’d broken up 16 months previously, just before lockdown.
We own a home together and due to circumstances we ended up locking down together and continued to sleep with each other.

I was on the pill but that was the only protection we were using, we’d never relied on anything else apart from the pill throughout our relationship.

We would continue to sleep with each other on my weeks off as my withdrawal bleeding was never that heavy and we worked around it.

In mid March 2021 I didn’t feel right.
I was constipated around the time of my withdrawal bleed, usually it goes the other way at this time of the month.
I thought it was odd but thought perhaps my diet was off.

Then I went off my food. Nothing tasted right and I was getting full very quickly, not like me.
I even thought I might have COVID and suggested to my ex that we get tested.

The next day, I went to work and he went to work to, he has now gone back to work and works away from home.

I didn’t get chance to do COVID test that day. I was in Boots in the evening buying some toiletries when all of a sudden it crossed my mind that I could be pregnant.

I put a test in my basket and tested as soon as I got home - I was 3+ weeks pregnant according to the digital result.

I messaged my ex and he phoned me.
He was very calm and said he would support me. It was such a relief.

However, what I didn’t realise was that he meant he would support me through a termination of the pregnancy.

I had already contacted an abortion clinic as a knee jerk reaction or safety net just incase I need to end the pregnancy but my heart knew I didn’t want an abortion.

We had an appointment at the clinic in Luton on Good Friday.
As we got closer to the clinic, I came to my senses and by the time we had arrived I had decided I couldn’t go through with it.

I told my ex that I couldn’t go in and that we needed to talk about this as we hadn’t allowed ourselves to do that.

He agreed. I cancelled my agreement and booked again for Easter Monday incase we needed to attend once we had talked.

We came home and talked.
My ex was adamant that the baby would not be loved (by him) and that he would have nothing to do with it. He explained that since I had told him, he’d been thinking about ending it all. He was very upset and quite inconsolable.

I was so concerned by this that I agreed to have an abortion to take those thoughts away from him. I know how scary it is to have those thoughts and I didn’t want him to feel that way. I wanted to make things right, for him and I didn’t consider myself or the baby. 😞

We went to the appointment and I was scanned. I was dated at 5 weeks 2 days.
I was given medication to take at home.

The first pill would end the pregnancy, then 48 hours later I would insert 4 more pills into my vagina to miscarry and 4 hours after that, insert another 2 to continue bleeding.
We would need a long weekend to complete the process.
We decided to do it the following weekend.

However, the next day, morning sickness kicked in for me and by Friday I was feeling very nauseated all day long. I couldn’t swallow the pill for fear of bringing it back up.

I decided I would take the following Thursday and Friday off work to do this when I wouldn’t need to go into work after the first pill.

My ex was supportive of this and took annual leave as well.

He came home on the Wednesday evening and I knew that if we were going to do this, I would have to take the pill that evening whilst there was a gap from feeling sick.

I had put so much emphasis on taking the pill whilst I had the chance, that I had regretfully seen passed what I was actually doing and what would happen next.

Without thinking, I gulped back the pill at 7 pm and for 30 seconds I felt a relief, a relief that I had taken the pill. It wasn’t a relief that I’d started to end the pregnancy.

After about 20 minutes I’d started feeling sick again, and had to try very hard to keep the pill down. We went out for a drive to take my mind off of things but the waves of nausea were frequent.

I managed to sleep but woke up feeling sick the next day and by 4 pm I couldn’t hold back any longer. I was very sick.

On the Friday, 36 hours later, I was to insert the 4 pills that would make me miscarry.

I got up for a shower and was sick again. I was tired, shaky and in shock.

I looked down and I’d started to bleed already.

I had to insert the pills before the bleeding got heavier.

I inserted them and laid on the bed until I was ready to get up.

I still felt very sick.

Within 2 hours I started to bleed very heavily and had an extremely upset tummy.

This continued up until 1 pm Friday when I had to insert 2 more. I felt sick all over again and the bleeding got heavier.

At this point all I was thinking was I just wanted it to be over.

My ex stayed with me Saturday apart from when he popped out to get his haircut.

On Sunday he went out for the day and i was left alone to realise the enormity of what had happened. It hit me hard.
I was just stood there in the living room, coat on, bag in hand but I felt empty and didn’t know what to do.
The regret is more than I can bear.
I went back to work the next day and my ex went back to working away all week.

I had several accidents, one at work, because the pads couldn’t contain everything and it was very upsetting.

I know now that I didn’t want to end the pregnancy, I wanted to end the anguish my ex was in and i didn’t know how I would cope alone with a baby. I was scared and that isn’t a good enough reason to do what I did.
My hormones were all over the place, I was sick and I was tired and now that I have clarity, I know what a huge mistake I have made.

Please please please, if you are thinking about abortion and you don’t know what to do, really think about what you want.

Abortion is final, you cannot take it back.

Sending lots of love to you. ❤️

@Zebra13

That’s tough with regards starting a new job just 3 days after your termination. You sound like a very strong young lady.

It’s hard to advise on what you should do, the only thing I’ll say is listen to what your body / mind is telling you it needs.

If you need to take a time out, then do it. But if you’re better keeping yourself occupied then stay at work.

I’ve decided the best thing for me is to be at work. I can’t be at home alone thinking about what’s happened. It’s hard enough spending all night awake thinking about it. I’m wearing myself out but I can’t bear the alternative.

Do what feels right for you. xxx

@Zebra13. I understand this. I too don’t take time off work. Only had about 4 days sick in about 8 years. I’ve found work helpful at this time though but my mind has been so very distracted but being with people and the usual banter they have helped. Realise that is individual.

I however took a day off recently. Again, a bit like you about 6 weeks or so post abortion. It helped. I lay in bed, watched tv, ate snacks.

I have good days and bad days. More good days now though.

I suppose time is the healer.

Ah. I see! Silly me.

Taking a few days off 5 or 6 weeks into your new job isn’t an issue. It sounds like you need to do it for your own sanity.xx

I’m sorry you feel so regretful.

Regret is a man made concept. Unfortunately we can’t turn back time and you made the choice that your thought was correct at that time. Easier said than done, but please be kind to yourself.

I’d recommend a counsellor? It might help process it all a bit better. Marie Stopes offer it. It obviously is specific to abortion so could be very beneficial. I used them and it helped.

Sorry you are going through this op (and others on this post)

I just wanted to say it wasn’t tactless in anyway at all; anyone can clearly see you post very eloquently and obviously reflect thoughtfully when you write.

Take care of yourself

No need to apologise. This is a very difficult time.
A walk sounds good. Sex not so much if you
don't want to. I personally know for me it was the last thing on my mind. My DH was understanding.

I appreciate the whole trying again aspect. I’ve thought that too. But I think jumping straight back in wouldn’t be beneficial. Give yourself some time to grieve and get your head back on your shoulders. And make sure your current partner is who you want to have a child with.

There is lots to consider and think about.xx

@Cantrecall

Thank you for your lovely message 💐 xxx

@Zebra13

Just catching up on the messages, thought I’d check in on you.

I think we are very close in our timings, I’m 4 weeks post abortion this week and like you I feel full of regret.

Just wanted to let you know, you are not alone with how you feel.

I’m very tired and want to sleep all the time, but I think that’s depression. I’ve not had depression before but this feels like it.
I don’t want to do anything and I cannot find joy in anything either.

I’ve not had any time off work because I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I did.
I used to enjoy a sick day if I was feeling under the weather. I would buy some good food, put on a film and my PJ’s and get wrapped up in my duvet - it would always sort me out, but not anymore. The thought just leaves me cold now. I cannot see the point in doing anything.
I go to work because it keeps me out of harms way and from thinking too much.

I think if I had a partner who cared about me and we were going through this together, I’d find it easier, but I’m on my own with this.

I hope you get some sleep @Zebra13. And like @ED81 said, be kind to yourself.

Lots of love xx

@Tomorrowsabetterday. Please don’t feel alone. You have us here. I realise it’s not the same as a supportive partner but anytime you need to check in then please do.

4 weeks post abortion is a very brief bit of time.xx

@ED81

Thank you, that means a lot to me.
It really helps having others to talk who have been through this or similar xx

@Zebra13

It will all play on your mind, the what if’s, the could haves / should haves.

I keep replaying conversations I had in the lead up to my abortion and like you, I wonder how much influence others thoughts had on my pregnancy.

The only real negative was from my ex.
The other conversations I’d had were positive but I had my worries.

I was worried about being a single mum, especially at my age and I was worried about the future, what would happen if I got sick, if they got sick, if I couldn’t look after them on my own.

I had plenty of worries that I am sure any woman would have when pregnant, but because of the situation, they were magnified and overwhelming.

When all is said and done, I think hormones had a major part to play in my indecision and the mistake i made.

They were everywhere, I had morning sickness all day and I couldn’t eat. I was constipated so my brain was fogged up, and that was before the pressure of thinking about the reality of being a single mum and not having the support of the dad.

What I’m trying to say is, I don’t think it would have been solely one persons thoughts or a conversation you had with someone that made you go through with this. I suspect it was a whole host of things.

Once the abortion was over and I wasn’t being sick anymore, I was able to think clearly and that’s when it hit me, ‘wtf was I thinking?’

It’s so sad, I think, for me, ultimately, it was always going to end this way, even when I was adamant I was keeping my baby, even after all the positive conversations I’d had, because the love and care that I needed from a loving partner, wasn’t there. xx

@Zebra13. He sounds like a throughly unpleasant man! It is grim when we allow other people’s judgement to influence us somewhat.

@Tomorrowsabetterday. A positive influence of a supportive partner is helpful isn’t it. You don’t even have to be together but as long as they are there....

Oh well. So here we are. 3 women in different situations surrounding abortion feeling not very happy.

I hope it gets better for us all very soon.xx