Abortion Regret

[Tomorrowsabetterday]

Hello,

I don’t know who needs to read this today but if you’re thinking of having an abortion, please please please do not consider it lightly.

Last week I had an abortion. I am 41 years old and I was expecting my ex boyfriends baby.

We’d broken up 16 months previously, just before lockdown.
We own a home together and due to circumstances we ended up locking down together and continued to sleep with each other.

I was on the pill but that was the only protection we were using, we’d never relied on anything else apart from the pill throughout our relationship.

We would continue to sleep with each other on my weeks off as my withdrawal bleeding was never that heavy and we worked around it.

In mid March 2021 I didn’t feel right.
I was constipated around the time of my withdrawal bleed, usually it goes the other way at this time of the month.
I thought it was odd but thought perhaps my diet was off.

Then I went off my food. Nothing tasted right and I was getting full very quickly, not like me.
I even thought I might have COVID and suggested to my ex that we get tested.

The next day, I went to work and he went to work to, he has now gone back to work and works away from home.

I didn’t get chance to do COVID test that day. I was in Boots in the evening buying some toiletries when all of a sudden it crossed my mind that I could be pregnant.

I put a test in my basket and tested as soon as I got home - I was 3+ weeks pregnant according to the digital result.

I messaged my ex and he phoned me.
He was very calm and said he would support me. It was such a relief.

However, what I didn’t realise was that he meant he would support me through a termination of the pregnancy.

I had already contacted an abortion clinic as a knee jerk reaction or safety net just incase I need to end the pregnancy but my heart knew I didn’t want an abortion.

We had an appointment at the clinic in Luton on Good Friday.
As we got closer to the clinic, I came to my senses and by the time we had arrived I had decided I couldn’t go through with it.

I told my ex that I couldn’t go in and that we needed to talk about this as we hadn’t allowed ourselves to do that.

He agreed. I cancelled my agreement and booked again for Easter Monday incase we needed to attend once we had talked.

We came home and talked.
My ex was adamant that the baby would not be loved (by him) and that he would have nothing to do with it. He explained that since I had told him, he’d been thinking about ending it all. He was very upset and quite inconsolable.

I was so concerned by this that I agreed to have an abortion to take those thoughts away from him. I know how scary it is to have those thoughts and I didn’t want him to feel that way. I wanted to make things right, for him and I didn’t consider myself or the baby. 😞

We went to the appointment and I was scanned. I was dated at 5 weeks 2 days.
I was given medication to take at home.

The first pill would end the pregnancy, then 48 hours later I would insert 4 more pills into my vagina to miscarry and 4 hours after that, insert another 2 to continue bleeding.
We would need a long weekend to complete the process.
We decided to do it the following weekend.

However, the next day, morning sickness kicked in for me and by Friday I was feeling very nauseated all day long. I couldn’t swallow the pill for fear of bringing it back up.

I decided I would take the following Thursday and Friday off work to do this when I wouldn’t need to go into work after the first pill.

My ex was supportive of this and took annual leave as well.

He came home on the Wednesday evening and I knew that if we were going to do this, I would have to take the pill that evening whilst there was a gap from feeling sick.

I had put so much emphasis on taking the pill whilst I had the chance, that I had regretfully seen passed what I was actually doing and what would happen next.

Without thinking, I gulped back the pill at 7 pm and for 30 seconds I felt a relief, a relief that I had taken the pill. It wasn’t a relief that I’d started to end the pregnancy.

After about 20 minutes I’d started feeling sick again, and had to try very hard to keep the pill down. We went out for a drive to take my mind off of things but the waves of nausea were frequent.

I managed to sleep but woke up feeling sick the next day and by 4 pm I couldn’t hold back any longer. I was very sick.

On the Friday, 36 hours later, I was to insert the 4 pills that would make me miscarry.

I got up for a shower and was sick again. I was tired, shaky and in shock.

I looked down and I’d started to bleed already.

I had to insert the pills before the bleeding got heavier.

I inserted them and laid on the bed until I was ready to get up.

I still felt very sick.

Within 2 hours I started to bleed very heavily and had an extremely upset tummy.

This continued up until 1 pm Friday when I had to insert 2 more. I felt sick all over again and the bleeding got heavier.

At this point all I was thinking was I just wanted it to be over.

My ex stayed with me Saturday apart from when he popped out to get his haircut.

On Sunday he went out for the day and i was left alone to realise the enormity of what had happened. It hit me hard.
I was just stood there in the living room, coat on, bag in hand but I felt empty and didn’t know what to do.
The regret is more than I can bear.
I went back to work the next day and my ex went back to working away all week.

I had several accidents, one at work, because the pads couldn’t contain everything and it was very upsetting.

I know now that I didn’t want to end the pregnancy, I wanted to end the anguish my ex was in and i didn’t know how I would cope alone with a baby. I was scared and that isn’t a good enough reason to do what I did.
My hormones were all over the place, I was sick and I was tired and now that I have clarity, I know what a huge mistake I have made.

Please please please, if you are thinking about abortion and you don’t know what to do, really think about what you want.

Abortion is final, you cannot take it back.

Sending lots of love to you. ❤️

I'm sorry you're suffering.

Just because a decision leads to tough emotions and grief, does not mean it was the wrong decision. Life doesn't work that way.

There are plenty of common decisions where making the best and right decision in the circumstances will mean unavoidable emotions of loss, regret, shame, bargaining, denial and time spent grieving.

Like leaving a violent partner or going through major life-changing surgery.

There might be some relief - and some people might feel nothing except relief - but these are tough, traumatic experiences and the emotions that come with them are often tough too.

It's common in both those examples to also feel the grief and regret means you made a mistake when that is not true.

Natural tough emotions do not mean the decision was bad or wrong, simply that the situation is tough and it will take time to process before moving forward.

@user113424742258631134

Thank you so much for your brilliant message.

I’m going to look back on this one often because it makes so much sense.

You have summed the emotional state of mind, perfectly.

Now that my hormones are starting to settle, things are starting to look a little clearer and I making sense of the decision I made.

It isn’t easy but you’re so right, even though there is pain and grief and loss, and everything that comes with this, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t right.

Thank you so much for sharing your wise words. xx

@user113424742258631134 I’ll also add that that is a very helpful, kind post.

@Tomorrowsabetterday the hormones settling does mark a step in recovery, doesn’t it? Everything starts feeling less raw.

The hormones settling and the return of your usual period is helpful. I certainly found that my emotions dampened down around that time.

I know what it feels like when you say you feel like you are drowning in waves of regret. I felt the same after my experience. I replayed the events over and over in my head too, until my brain crashed. Mine was a planned and very much wanted pregnancy. It became high risk however and I feel I was fast tracked to an abortion by the NHS doctors I saw. At my consultation with the fetal medicine people, I was told the procedure could be done the day after. Talk about service. I was offered no counselling. Under pressure, in fear and in chaos I took the first tablet a few hours later despite being still completely undecided as to what to do. The next morning I did not want to proceed but was given little alternative. When I left the hospital, I wanted to jump from an open window. I slid into a full blown breakdown and was suicidal. I survived however. You can survive this too.

@Igloogirl

I am so sorry to read your story.
Thank you for sharing.

I can relate to the feelings you’ve expressed and especially how quick everything happens and the pressure to make a decision.

I too took the pill without really being completely decided on what I wanted to do.
As soon as I took it, I felt a relief that I didn’t have to think about taking it anymore, but that was short lived.

About 20 minutes later I was consumed with nausea, think that was the morning sickness and it was so hard to keep myself from being sick, in order to keep the pill down. I wanted to bring it up but knew I would have to go down another route then and I couldn’t face anymore anguish.

Nothing feels right at the moment.
I remember going back to work on the Monday trying to pick up where I’d left off before the weekend, before I’d had the abortion.

My office was still the same, I had a hair band on my desk that I’d been using the week before to hold my hair back when I’d been experiencing morning sickness.
In my note boom was a page of reasons to keep the pregnancy and reasons to end it.

I should have torn it up but it’s still in my notebook and I keep reading it - probably not very healthy.

I had a TEAMS meeting that took my mind off things for while but then I found myself drifting off with my thoughts and I wanted to scream out loud that I’d made a mistake.
It was all so raw and thankfully, I got through that and I didn’t say anything!!! But it was like I was going to explode at any point.

The days are long and the nights are longer.
I am exhausted and can only sleep when my ex is home at weekends.

My ex is trying so hard to be supportive but I know at some point he won’t be here anymore and I don’t know how I will cope with that.

Time will tell.

I hope you things have settled down for you now and you no longer feel
Suicidal. The only thing that stops me from doing anything silly is knowing the regret I felt after taking the pill - it felt like I had ended my life as well that evening. I know the heartache I feel. I wouldn’t want to put my family and friends through this pain as well.

Take care and thanks again for sharing. xx

So sorry you had this experience OP. It sounds like you need someone to talk it through with.

I don’t think anyone has a termination lightly - some people just know it’s the right decision for them, others have to wrestle with it to know what to do. But it’s a hard experience to have.

You did your best at the time, so please don’t beat yourself up about it.

Take support from those you trust, cry, distract yourself if you can, be kind to yourself and have counselling. Seek the support of your GP if you need too. I wanted to tell the world too of my pain and loss. The passing of time will help. For me, it will always be a wrong decision taken in panic and advocated and facilitated by male doctors who cared nothing for me or my situation. I felt my life had ended too. The harm to me has been immense. It still fills me with sadness and regret at times but I now can live with it. I am stronger for my loss.

@Igloogirl

I really am heartbroken for you.
It must have been an unthinkable situation to be in.

My pregnancy was a shock but it was still very much wanted by myself. I was so set to keep my baby that I cannot get my head around how I am here now.

Like you, I felt under pressure to make a decision but mine was from by my ex. He was so unhappy. He didn’t want anything to do with them or me and asked me where I thought I was going to live?
I felt like I’d be ruining his life and the babies life if I went through with the pregnancy. Add to that i was going to be 42 and I’d have to rely on my mum to support me with somewhere to live etc. It wasn’t fair on her either, not that she’d expressed that.

Even though I took the pill, I’m not convinced it was a measured decision. It was rushed and done in panic.
However, as per @user113424742258631134’s post, I take heart that just because I’m grieving, it doesn’t mean it was a wrong decision.
I just don’t know if I’d actually made a decision.

Had my first COVID jab today, the nurse asked me all the relevant questions; have I had the flu jab recently, (no) have I felt unwell in the last 24 hrs, (no) is there any chance you could be pregnant? I said no but I wanted to tell her that I was and that I still should be and that I shouldn’t be here today.

It seems that everything is a constant reminder.

I’m grieving the adventures we would have had and all the love I had to give them.
I had bundles and bundles.
I’d waited years for that baby and saying, the timing was wrong or the situation wasn’t right, just doesn’t seem justified. xxx

@partyatthepalace

Thanks for your post.

I think using the word, ‘lightly’ was a poor choice of words on my part. I couldn’t find the right words.
What I was trying to say was not to make a rushed decision.

I wanted to advise other women faced with this decision to take time for themselves, don’t be rushed, consider all your options and then take some more time. Don’t feel pressured.

I felt ever so pressured and rushed into making a decision, but actually, now that I’ve had time to reflect, I did have time. I was measured to be at 6 weeks on the day of the abortion so 8 weeks since start of last period.

A very good friend of mine who had also found herself faced with an abortion or going ahead as a single mum, chose to go through with the pregnancy and she has not regrets.
She advised me to take some time out for myself, go for a picnic or a drive to the post and think about what I wanted.

Amongst the chaos I forgot to do that. I wish I had done that. There are so many thing I wish I had done but under the pressure to make a decision I lost sight of everything else.

Thank you. I think I just need time to grieve

xx

I understand when you say it wasn't a measured decision. I have always felt the same about my circumstances. It was a mistake, almost an accident. It was not how I usually decide to do something at all. I hope you find happiness in the future and can forgive yourself if you feel you need to. I have found forgiving myself to be the hardest thing. I don't think I am there yet. You sound a warm and kind person and I am very sorry for your heartache and grief. Everything will be a reminder for some time but eventually you will be able to cope with reminders. It is important that you take your time to grieve your loss.

It’s a cliche but time is a healer. I genuinely believe this.
I’d recommend counselling as a way forward too.
Everyone, please be kind to yourselves.xx

Hope everyone is doing ok today.

Each day as it comes.

@Choices21
Thank you xx

@ED81
Thanks for checking in.
Hope you are doing ok today as well.
I can only speak for myself when I say some days are easier than others. Managed to get a whole nights sleep last night, but think I was knocked out by the COVID jab.
Finding a reason to do anything of find pleasure in things that I would usually, is still difficult. The rawness has gone now but the regret of what could have been still eats away.
Thank you for posting, it really helps to come one here and be with others in a similar place, at this time.

Hoping everyone had better days to come.

Lots of love always xx

Good. Glad you got some sleep. That is so helpful.

I’m alright. Still feeling anxious about it all.

I have no children so now have the realisation that I probably won’t. Not sure what I feel about that.

@ED81

I know where you’re coming from with that.
I’m 41, no children. I had already got my head around the fact that I would probably never have children, some years ago.
Now having to get my head around it all again but this time knowing that I’d been given a chance - it’s even harder to do.

I know this
Mine was 21 years ago and yet, every day, every single day I either cry or am sad about what happened

Sorry to hear that @Tomorrowsabetterday. It’s tough isn’t it.

I know I made the correct choice but a child free future makes me sad. My DH doesn’t mind this at all. I’m the one who struggles. Some days are fine and it’s completely ok. Some days aren’t.

Life will be great child free though. There is so many positives! I’m currently doing lots of reading on this. Worth a look!

@PottyTrainingissues

Oh goodness, I am so sorry to hear that. 😔

@ED81

I’m so pleased you have your husband.
I think this would be easier if I had the support of my ex and our future to look forward to but we don’t. Got to carry this hurt with me on my own path. xx

That does not surprise me @PottyTrainingissues. I expect to be the same 21 years down the line too and beyond. Of course, every woman's circumstances are different but there are many women living in silent grief and regret. We have just learnt to live with it. The doctors may briefly mention the physical risks if you are lucky but unless things have changed never mention the risks of psychological damage, mental distress and depression.

@Igloogirl

Completely agree with you on all accounts.
From my experience, I wasn’t advised, how, psychologically, an abortion could effect me. The support I was given was, ok but really, when I think about it, it was very basic.

I was asked if I was sure I wanted an abortion, yes or no. Once I’d said yes, the ball was in motion, I was given my medication, was told how to take it but I wasn’t even advised on how to take it. I read the leaflet and read some experiences on here but even then, I didn’t read any posts of regret, it’s like if you regret it, you just don’t talk about it and you live with it because it was the choice you made. It’s almost taboo, even in this day and age, to talk about about it, if you regret it.

*i wasn’t told how to take the medication

@Igloogirl

That does not surprise me *@PottyTrainingissues*. I expect to be the same 21 years down the line too and beyond. Of course, every woman's circumstances are different but there are many women living in silent grief and regret. We have just learnt to live with it. The doctors may briefly mention the physical risks if you are lucky but unless things have changed never mention the risks of psychological damage, mental distress and depression.

I’ve resigned myself to it now. I’ve forgiven myself which took a long time but I’ve given up the hope that time heals as it just hasn’t the intensity of grief is the same. I work my day round the bad moments some days I have to just take a day out if it’s bad. I’ve just accepted this is how it is. One day whenever I pass away I’m assuming this pain will be gone or if there’s anything after then I’ll be with my baby again.

I don’t have a bad life and I had dc after but my abortion was complicated, late and I was very young so I feel it impaired my emotional development
It sounds awful but I live with it now. Still hurts like hell 😞

@PottyTrainingissues

Reading your story makes me so sad for you.
Like you, I don’t think I will ever get over this, I will just learn to accept it.
It’s only been a couple of weeks but I feel like this will stay with me a life time.
I hope that my baby is waiting for me and that I’ll be with them one day.
I’m going to miss meeting them in December and having our adventures that I’d starting thinking about having.
With regards to time being a healer, I saw an artists impression of this. The artist drew the trauma / experience and around it they drew a circle, which signified life. As the years went by, the circle (life) got bigger but the trauma / stayed the same size. Sometimes, we dip back into the trauma and it’s still the same as it was at the time it occurred.
The trauma stays the same, life just gets bigger.

So pleased to hear you went on to have more children. Not having children and not having this baby will be my most saddest regret in life.

I don't know what to say @PottyTrainingissues. You have had a truly horrendous time.