Abortion Regret

[Tomorrowsabetterday]

Hello,

I don’t know who needs to read this today but if you’re thinking of having an abortion, please please please do not consider it lightly.

Last week I had an abortion. I am 41 years old and I was expecting my ex boyfriends baby.

We’d broken up 16 months previously, just before lockdown.
We own a home together and due to circumstances we ended up locking down together and continued to sleep with each other.

I was on the pill but that was the only protection we were using, we’d never relied on anything else apart from the pill throughout our relationship.

We would continue to sleep with each other on my weeks off as my withdrawal bleeding was never that heavy and we worked around it.

In mid March 2021 I didn’t feel right.
I was constipated around the time of my withdrawal bleed, usually it goes the other way at this time of the month.
I thought it was odd but thought perhaps my diet was off.

Then I went off my food. Nothing tasted right and I was getting full very quickly, not like me.
I even thought I might have COVID and suggested to my ex that we get tested.

The next day, I went to work and he went to work to, he has now gone back to work and works away from home.

I didn’t get chance to do COVID test that day. I was in Boots in the evening buying some toiletries when all of a sudden it crossed my mind that I could be pregnant.

I put a test in my basket and tested as soon as I got home - I was 3+ weeks pregnant according to the digital result.

I messaged my ex and he phoned me.
He was very calm and said he would support me. It was such a relief.

However, what I didn’t realise was that he meant he would support me through a termination of the pregnancy.

I had already contacted an abortion clinic as a knee jerk reaction or safety net just incase I need to end the pregnancy but my heart knew I didn’t want an abortion.

We had an appointment at the clinic in Luton on Good Friday.
As we got closer to the clinic, I came to my senses and by the time we had arrived I had decided I couldn’t go through with it.

I told my ex that I couldn’t go in and that we needed to talk about this as we hadn’t allowed ourselves to do that.

He agreed. I cancelled my agreement and booked again for Easter Monday incase we needed to attend once we had talked.

We came home and talked.
My ex was adamant that the baby would not be loved (by him) and that he would have nothing to do with it. He explained that since I had told him, he’d been thinking about ending it all. He was very upset and quite inconsolable.

I was so concerned by this that I agreed to have an abortion to take those thoughts away from him. I know how scary it is to have those thoughts and I didn’t want him to feel that way. I wanted to make things right, for him and I didn’t consider myself or the baby. 😞

We went to the appointment and I was scanned. I was dated at 5 weeks 2 days.
I was given medication to take at home.

The first pill would end the pregnancy, then 48 hours later I would insert 4 more pills into my vagina to miscarry and 4 hours after that, insert another 2 to continue bleeding.
We would need a long weekend to complete the process.
We decided to do it the following weekend.

However, the next day, morning sickness kicked in for me and by Friday I was feeling very nauseated all day long. I couldn’t swallow the pill for fear of bringing it back up.

I decided I would take the following Thursday and Friday off work to do this when I wouldn’t need to go into work after the first pill.

My ex was supportive of this and took annual leave as well.

He came home on the Wednesday evening and I knew that if we were going to do this, I would have to take the pill that evening whilst there was a gap from feeling sick.

I had put so much emphasis on taking the pill whilst I had the chance, that I had regretfully seen passed what I was actually doing and what would happen next.

Without thinking, I gulped back the pill at 7 pm and for 30 seconds I felt a relief, a relief that I had taken the pill. It wasn’t a relief that I’d started to end the pregnancy.

After about 20 minutes I’d started feeling sick again, and had to try very hard to keep the pill down. We went out for a drive to take my mind off of things but the waves of nausea were frequent.

I managed to sleep but woke up feeling sick the next day and by 4 pm I couldn’t hold back any longer. I was very sick.

On the Friday, 36 hours later, I was to insert the 4 pills that would make me miscarry.

I got up for a shower and was sick again. I was tired, shaky and in shock.

I looked down and I’d started to bleed already.

I had to insert the pills before the bleeding got heavier.

I inserted them and laid on the bed until I was ready to get up.

I still felt very sick.

Within 2 hours I started to bleed very heavily and had an extremely upset tummy.

This continued up until 1 pm Friday when I had to insert 2 more. I felt sick all over again and the bleeding got heavier.

At this point all I was thinking was I just wanted it to be over.

My ex stayed with me Saturday apart from when he popped out to get his haircut.

On Sunday he went out for the day and i was left alone to realise the enormity of what had happened. It hit me hard.
I was just stood there in the living room, coat on, bag in hand but I felt empty and didn’t know what to do.
The regret is more than I can bear.
I went back to work the next day and my ex went back to working away all week.

I had several accidents, one at work, because the pads couldn’t contain everything and it was very upsetting.

I know now that I didn’t want to end the pregnancy, I wanted to end the anguish my ex was in and i didn’t know how I would cope alone with a baby. I was scared and that isn’t a good enough reason to do what I did.
My hormones were all over the place, I was sick and I was tired and now that I have clarity, I know what a huge mistake I have made.

Please please please, if you are thinking about abortion and you don’t know what to do, really think about what you want.

Abortion is final, you cannot take it back.

Sending lots of love to you. ❤️

Hi all,

So much better.

I revisit today as I want to say to others who feel like they are in a dark place that things do improve. It takes time. I’m having weekly counselling and made sure I’m doing things like exercise. I’m taking magnesium (glycinate) to assist with lowering anxieties and using a mindfulness app that I listen to morning and night. Sleep is much improved too.

I also spoke with ‘Stillwaters’ too. They assist with women who are in crisis due to pregnancy, miscarriage or abortion. They were wonderful and really helped my recovery journey. Have a look! Google ‘Stillwaters Birmingham’. I don’t live there but was able to still use their service via zoom.

It does take time but bit by bit the good days outweigh the bad.
Thinking of you all. You aren’t alone in this.xx

Stillwaters. See link below.

helphopehealing.co.uk/

Hi,

Just wanted to add my story. So I had. A termination when my first child was 6 months old and a dodgy marriage. Since having my second baby 4 years later I have started to feel so so guilty about what I did. I feel since reading some of the posts on here I have actually felt worse, what if I never get over it?

OP,

My thoughts go out to you. I understand the regret and pain you are going through, albeit from a different angle.

In my case, my wife and I had made a joint decision that neither of us would use contraception, and try for a third.

My wife fell pregnant at a very dark time for her at work (she was being bullied) and decided (over my objections) to abort what would have been our third child at 6 weeks. I tried twice in the week after she found out she was pregnant to change her mind. I failed.

I regret, deeply, not trying harder to persuade her to change her mind. I regret not reaching out to my dad (who she respects immensely) and her sister, as they my gut tell me they may have convinced her that, with the combined support of myself and them, she could have that baby.

That was 6 years ago. She has only recently told me how deeply she regrets her decision. I still cry a couple of times per month about it. Stories about abortion law reform trigger me. It's hard.

I suggest getting counselling. Our church pastor was amazing (very non-judgemental), and a psychologist helped me turn anger at my wife into "normal" grief, if that makes sense.

Take care of yourself, it's OK to regret what you think or know, with the benefit of hindsight, was a mistake.

Can I just say, not every time does someone have to say “oh I don’t regret it at all”.

The reality is a lot of women do, and whenever they express it, some other woman who doesn’t seem to mind her abortion chimes in.

So what if it would put someone off? Reality is many women regret it for the rest of their lives, a wound that never heals, a decision made from fear and facilitated by drs who should recognise the complexity of the woman’s feelings. Women deserve all the facts, too often the media narrative is that women do not regret their decision or that they have little to no emotional fall out from it.

You have the entire western media and indeed the abortion clinics perpetuating your experience as if it’s the same for all women.

Let the women in this thread openly discuss their feelings. Why is it ok to promote abortion but when a woman who is emotionally and psychologically damaged from one tells her story someone like you always wants to shut it down?

@ED81

Just so you know the counselling at these places is useless. It offers nothing that work. Just platitudes and the same line repeated. “You did what you was best at the time”, my counsellor did do one thing though, revealed to me that I was given the pills agains the legal and internal guidelines. I never said an explicit “yes” and I had cited things in my consultation that should have flagged me as a no go.

I since asked for my records and discovered they had written misrepresentations of what was discussed and in some places lied.

You can not trust the same clinic that aborts babies for profit to give you unbiased counselling.

Unfortunately all these women will need to seek private counselling at their own cost.

@LochJessMonster

Can I just say, not every time does someone have to say “oh I don’t regret it at all”.

The reality is a lot of women do, and whenever they express it, some other woman who doesn’t seem to mind her abortion chimes in.

So what if it would put someone off? Reality is many women regret it for the rest of their lives, a wound that never heals, a decision made from fear and facilitated by drs who should recognise the complexity of the woman’s feelings. Women deserve all the facts, too often the media narrative is that women do not regret their decision or that they have little to no emotional fall out from it.

You have the entire western media and indeed the abortion clinics perpetuating your experience as if it’s the same for all women.

Let the women in this thread openly discuss their feelings. Why is it ok to promote abortion but when a woman who is emotionally and psychologically damaged from one tells her story someone like you always wants to shut it down?

[quote HeartbrokenInd]@ED81

Just so you know the counselling at these places is useless. It offers nothing that work. Just platitudes and the same line repeated. “You did what you was best at the time”, my counsellor did do one thing though, revealed to me that I was given the pills agains the legal and internal guidelines. I never said an explicit “yes” and I had cited things in my consultation that should have flagged me as a no go.

I since asked for my records and discovered they had written misrepresentations of what was discussed and in some places lied.

You can not trust the same clinic that aborts babies for profit to give you unbiased counselling.

Unfortunately all these women will need to seek private counselling at their own cost.[/quote]
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

The same happened to me. What was done to me was totally illegal and I tried years later to investigate it and met a blank wall from BPAS. No record even of my having been to them. Apparently all records are 'destroyed' after a certain time period. ... really?

I ran out crying from the first appointment, having also been assaulted by the actual doctor. (Yes)

I went back and went for the operation and as I was walking down to the room where they put you to sleep I was crying and saying I didn't want to do it and the lady said to me 'just stop crying and get on with it, girl'.

There's more and worse, but I can't bear to go through it all.

I would LOVE them to be prosecuted for what they did. That it was possible for such a terrible thing to be done to me gave me huge issues going forwards in my life.

@Aphrodite31

I am so so sorry to hear of what you have been through.

My experience was also with BPAS. They are not a good place, they do not care about the actual well being of the woman, the moment you engage with them they push you towards the abortion. They have zero sympathy and when you complain they close ranks. They will basically tell you “you misunderstand” or are “just hormonal” orimply you are lying.

It’s funny they do that considering their argument is essentially that “all women know themselves and their mind so there should be immediate access to abortion with no question”, however the moment you have a breakdown emotionally from the abortion they say you are “emotional, hormonal and don’t understand”!

These private clinics are not your Gp they do not care for you at all. They take yours of the NHS money and then leave you to pick up the pieces of your life alone.
Women who raise this issue are silenced not only by the clinics, but by politicians, and other women who do not care about their abortions, telling us we are somehow infringing on womens rights by expressing our experience.

I tried to take my complaint to the cqc and was told “it’s not our job”

I was left to make complaint with BPAS which only went as far as “our records tell us we are right” , and even the ombudsman will only investigate how the complaint was handled NOT the bad care and illegal practice of the clinic.

I am going to my MP, these clinics need to be held accountable. I suggest you do the same. It’s about time women like us are heard. This lie that abortions have no negative impact or that these clinics care for women needs to be stopped.

I am sorry for what you experienced and to make my child’s life count I have to try and stop this from happening to at least one other woman.
I fear that unless more women band together to hold these clinics accountable we will all just be dismissed and forgotten, allowing them to continue abusing many more women.

@HeartbrokenInd
Yes, sadly, to all that you say.

I've never understood why my experience is somehow less valid because I am judged for telling the truth that it was the most awful violation of my body and my rights as a person.

I'm supposed to say I felt relief and oh what a sensible option. Then I'll be respected.

If I go into detail about my experience, I am sensationalising it and being emotive, to 'upset' other women and interfere with their sensible choice?

People come on here asking for advice and to hear our experience. I daren't even tell mine, in case I'm slated for trying to persuade others not to go through with it.

Women who had abortions with misgivings, and whose lives were devastated as a result - why are we supposed to just shut up?

A real choice should be based on the clearest facts. Everyone should be equally respected in telling their stories.

I woke up with a huge bruise on my stomach.

I asked what it was.

Oh, said the nurse, we injected your stomach with the poison used by pygmies to paralyse and kill their prey. It makes your stomach muscles useless, so we can get the baby out.

I asked what sex the baby was.

Oh, we don't record that.

I asked where the baby went.

They wouldn't say.

They told me it was a dot. Nothing. Tiny.

Then when the internet came, and when I was pregnant with my third child and tracking her growth, the size charts and growth graphics hit me.

The lied to me. They deliberately lied and held information from me. They pretty much forced me to go through with it. I wasn't supported at all when I said I didn't want to do it.

Had I been given the facts that it was my right to know, and that they had a legal obligation to give me, I would never have agreed to go through with it.

It's a racket. A money-making racket. And illegal.

I don't know why I'm bothering now even to say what I think. 😔

It doesn't matter. It's just another lost life. But I wish our voices were respected, and these companies were held accountable and brought to book. They really should be.

@Aphrodite31

I hear every word you have said. I agree whole heartedly and empathise with everything.

It is a racket, women with our experiences , of which there are many, are silenced. We are only allowed to parrot the accepted line that this is “liberating”.

I too described my experience as the worst violation I have ever felt. There is no such thing as informed consent in this country. Their reason is “it may change the woman’s mind/she may decide to go through with the pregnancy”. Can someone, anyone please tell me why that would be wrong, so long as it is “her” decision then why do they seem so invested in only the abortion as the outcome?

Your experience is valid, and please do not be silenced. If you feel strong enough try to make your voice heard.

I don’t know how, but I am determined to make sure this message reaches the world and all women. I will not sit back and let this lie continue. It’s manipulative and an abuse of women.

I am new to this site, if there is direct messaging, feel free to message me.

@Aphrodite31
I’m so sorry you suffered like that - absolutely disgraceful !
How far along were you ? I had similar happen at a local hospital many years ago . I was 9 weeks 4 days (literally the cut off point for them offering me medical) I asked them what would I expect . Their reply ‘ it will be a small bunch of cells nothing more , the clots will be fairly large but in terms of the pregnancy it isn’t even formed ‘
After the second tablets I can only describe to you what I saw , it will haunt me still to this day . The vision is still so vivid . Fingers , mouth , toes .
And it is something I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life.
They lied & misinformed me as I was a young teenager thinking I’d know no different/better

@Rose925

I am so so sorry to hear of the horror you suffered.

I have taken a while to respond because obviously your experience touches me deeply and arouses many feelings I struggle with.

However difficult your story it is so important it is heard, regardless of how difficult it is to hear. The very fact it is difficult to hear is the very reason people must hear it. When women do not hear these stories they are led to believe abortion is a benign insignificant event.

You are very brave, I wanted you to know that.

@HeartbrokenInd

Thankyou so much for your reply, yes it is known that abortion is a ‘choice’ therefore you shouldn’t feel any way about it because you chose to do it .
It isn’t something most people take lightly and it effects people so deeply , it’s just people don’t speak about it. And I’m sure if they did these ‘studies’ they carry out about women feel nothing but ‘relief’ after would be massively different I believe .
I’m sorry if my story brought up feelings for you . I hope you’re ok x

@Rose925

I read in another thread of yours that you had another termination only a few months ago and you fell pregnant again with someone else, in a mew relationship.

I wondered how this pregnancy was going for you?

@Rose925
There is no need to be sorry. Not one little bit.

I totally agree, the reason these studies show “relief” is because women like you and me are filled with so much pain, regret and shame we don’t participate or speak up.

Women are silenced, our experience invalidated. Never not speak up! Our voices are so important.

It’s almost like I wrote this myself. Except not with an ex, a current partner. I’m 5 weeks post termination and still testing positive on a test. Oddly, whilst I know it won’t be positive with a pregnancy I want it to be. I regret the decison We’ve made and felt like a wave of depression I felt when I found out took over my decision. Whilst it was spoken about in length, now it’s done it’s horrible and I feel regret everyday. Does it get easier?

Hi all

I can't believe I'm actually on this page, writing this to you.

I have a daughter she is 2 an half years old and I have been with her dad for 4 years.

Our relationship has been toxic to say the least and emotionally abusive on his part, but I have been so ground down I'm ashamed to admit I am still in the relationship at present.

We had unprotected intercourse in November so as precaution I decided to take the morning after pill.

Anyway moving on I conceived just after I'd taken it, so it was all a massive shock and certainly not planned at all.

I tried to tell myself this can work and talked myself into going back through it all again and recently it hit me... I'm actually unable to cope with the pressure in a toxic relationship with a demanding and high need toddler.
I realised I can't continue but I feel so scared and confused and ashamed almost for admitting this.

I contacted my local clinic and will have to have the medical procedure as I am around 15 weeks now so aftwr reading what women experience at 6/7 weeks I am very scared about what to expect.

I have always been one of these anti abortion people, I never agreed however it is only when you're faced with complications that you realise how difficult this is.

I have a gender scan booked in 2 weeks time I can't bring myself to do it and to make matters worse the current waiting list is upto 6 weeks which means even more trauma for me too! I know that sounds selfish but I'm petrified as I'd be around 22 weeks then and that is just not appropriate to me.

My boyfriend is not saying a great deal he's not happy about the possibility of abortion but then he's not mature enough to sit and talk (in general) unfortunately, he is just not emotionally available at all, so I'm on my own either going to bring this baby up 99% alone as I did with our daughter, or go through this awful process and hope I don't regret it.

It's a dark choice to be faced with to be honest and I'm so depressed about it I honestly don't know what to do.

Would anyone give me advice on this please?

Anything is appreciated.

Thank you! X

@Angeleyes2019

I’m so sorry to read about the situation you are in.

I just wanted to acknowledge your post but I cannot advise, unfortunately.

Is there anyone you can talk to, professionally about this? As in a midwife? I know you cannot face your gender scan, but perhaps you should make an appointment to see your midwife, sooner rather than later to share this with.

You need a support network, professional and friends. This is all I can suggest.

xx