Abortion Regret

[Tomorrowsabetterday]

Hello,

I don’t know who needs to read this today but if you’re thinking of having an abortion, please please please do not consider it lightly.

Last week I had an abortion. I am 41 years old and I was expecting my ex boyfriends baby.

We’d broken up 16 months previously, just before lockdown.
We own a home together and due to circumstances we ended up locking down together and continued to sleep with each other.

I was on the pill but that was the only protection we were using, we’d never relied on anything else apart from the pill throughout our relationship.

We would continue to sleep with each other on my weeks off as my withdrawal bleeding was never that heavy and we worked around it.

In mid March 2021 I didn’t feel right.
I was constipated around the time of my withdrawal bleed, usually it goes the other way at this time of the month.
I thought it was odd but thought perhaps my diet was off.

Then I went off my food. Nothing tasted right and I was getting full very quickly, not like me.
I even thought I might have COVID and suggested to my ex that we get tested.

The next day, I went to work and he went to work to, he has now gone back to work and works away from home.

I didn’t get chance to do COVID test that day. I was in Boots in the evening buying some toiletries when all of a sudden it crossed my mind that I could be pregnant.

I put a test in my basket and tested as soon as I got home - I was 3+ weeks pregnant according to the digital result.

I messaged my ex and he phoned me.
He was very calm and said he would support me. It was such a relief.

However, what I didn’t realise was that he meant he would support me through a termination of the pregnancy.

I had already contacted an abortion clinic as a knee jerk reaction or safety net just incase I need to end the pregnancy but my heart knew I didn’t want an abortion.

We had an appointment at the clinic in Luton on Good Friday.
As we got closer to the clinic, I came to my senses and by the time we had arrived I had decided I couldn’t go through with it.

I told my ex that I couldn’t go in and that we needed to talk about this as we hadn’t allowed ourselves to do that.

He agreed. I cancelled my agreement and booked again for Easter Monday incase we needed to attend once we had talked.

We came home and talked.
My ex was adamant that the baby would not be loved (by him) and that he would have nothing to do with it. He explained that since I had told him, he’d been thinking about ending it all. He was very upset and quite inconsolable.

I was so concerned by this that I agreed to have an abortion to take those thoughts away from him. I know how scary it is to have those thoughts and I didn’t want him to feel that way. I wanted to make things right, for him and I didn’t consider myself or the baby. 😞

We went to the appointment and I was scanned. I was dated at 5 weeks 2 days.
I was given medication to take at home.

The first pill would end the pregnancy, then 48 hours later I would insert 4 more pills into my vagina to miscarry and 4 hours after that, insert another 2 to continue bleeding.
We would need a long weekend to complete the process.
We decided to do it the following weekend.

However, the next day, morning sickness kicked in for me and by Friday I was feeling very nauseated all day long. I couldn’t swallow the pill for fear of bringing it back up.

I decided I would take the following Thursday and Friday off work to do this when I wouldn’t need to go into work after the first pill.

My ex was supportive of this and took annual leave as well.

He came home on the Wednesday evening and I knew that if we were going to do this, I would have to take the pill that evening whilst there was a gap from feeling sick.

I had put so much emphasis on taking the pill whilst I had the chance, that I had regretfully seen passed what I was actually doing and what would happen next.

Without thinking, I gulped back the pill at 7 pm and for 30 seconds I felt a relief, a relief that I had taken the pill. It wasn’t a relief that I’d started to end the pregnancy.

After about 20 minutes I’d started feeling sick again, and had to try very hard to keep the pill down. We went out for a drive to take my mind off of things but the waves of nausea were frequent.

I managed to sleep but woke up feeling sick the next day and by 4 pm I couldn’t hold back any longer. I was very sick.

On the Friday, 36 hours later, I was to insert the 4 pills that would make me miscarry.

I got up for a shower and was sick again. I was tired, shaky and in shock.

I looked down and I’d started to bleed already.

I had to insert the pills before the bleeding got heavier.

I inserted them and laid on the bed until I was ready to get up.

I still felt very sick.

Within 2 hours I started to bleed very heavily and had an extremely upset tummy.

This continued up until 1 pm Friday when I had to insert 2 more. I felt sick all over again and the bleeding got heavier.

At this point all I was thinking was I just wanted it to be over.

My ex stayed with me Saturday apart from when he popped out to get his haircut.

On Sunday he went out for the day and i was left alone to realise the enormity of what had happened. It hit me hard.
I was just stood there in the living room, coat on, bag in hand but I felt empty and didn’t know what to do.
The regret is more than I can bear.
I went back to work the next day and my ex went back to working away all week.

I had several accidents, one at work, because the pads couldn’t contain everything and it was very upsetting.

I know now that I didn’t want to end the pregnancy, I wanted to end the anguish my ex was in and i didn’t know how I would cope alone with a baby. I was scared and that isn’t a good enough reason to do what I did.
My hormones were all over the place, I was sick and I was tired and now that I have clarity, I know what a huge mistake I have made.

Please please please, if you are thinking about abortion and you don’t know what to do, really think about what you want.

Abortion is final, you cannot take it back.

Sending lots of love to you. ❤️

@Zebra13. You are really struggling. Get back on the phone to the GP. They maybe can give you a short dose of diazepam. Or propranolol is commonly prescribed for anxiety symptoms. Or even to consider an anti depressant. Your GP will guide this though.

Not to be medication focused as it’s not the complete answer but it will hopefully help.

I’d even say it’s an emergency appointment you need if they say they can’t fit you in today.xx

You won’t lose your job. You just need some time to sort yourself out. You can’t lose your job over that.xx

@Zebra13

But as I have no credit on the temporary SIM, I can't call my gp

Does your gp do e consult ?

@Zebra13
So sorry to hear you have woken up Shaking again.

I understand that you don’t know what to do, so asides speaking to you GP, as @ED81 had suggested, don’t do anything other than look after yourself right now.

Put yourself first, you deserve that.
I’m rubbish at putting myself first, so I can appreciate that might be difficult but really try to focus on you.

Sending you lots of support. xx

*has suggested

@Zebra13

Remember to breath and keep calm, easier said than done.

Like you, I can’t imagine myself being happy again but try not to think that far ahead, it won’t seem possible at the moment.

Set yourself smaller goals.
If you make another call to the GP today, that’s another little step.

They can put you in contact with the crisis team. They will come to you and make sure you are safe.

Make yourself a cup of tea, or do something that distracts you, just for 5 minutes and aim to do that at regular intervals everyday. It will give you a different routine and will break the cycle for a short while.

xx

Just thought I'd add my experience too if it helps.
I have children already so I have not lived through adulthood without them but as much as they are a blessing and a joy, it's also incredibly hard work especially as a single mother, juggling work and childcare which has been a constant battle for me, missing out on a career because I wanted to spend more time with them and also not being able to afford the childcare costs.

After my husband walked out and divorced me, I found a boyfriend, we were together for about a year, not the best choice in hindsight, he was unreliable and we weren't the best match but the chemistry was there.
I got pregnant at 40 and I so would of wanted a last baby and to have the family unit again I was missing, I just knew the bf wasn't a long term option for me and a difficult decision knowing this was almost certainly my last chance of having a baby given my age, I opted to terminate, I felt very down about it for a few weeks but I refuse to keep myself in grief and regret.

I now see I have the chance to create my life how I want to, to have the freedom to go back to work without worrying about a baby and working, to enjoy sleep when I need it, go out with friends occasionally, to be able to date again, all these things would of gone had I ended up a single mum again with a newborn. (My other kids are now older). However hard it is now, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks for sharing @whisperingsummer.

There is so many different experiences out there.

Regret is a horrible feeling. It obviously is making you feel terrible. But you aren’t to blame in this. You acted in panic. Please be kind to yourself. Just imagine what you’d say to a good friend if she was in this situation.

I’d recommend getting out of bed for a bit and going downstairs. Just that movement is helpful. Get a drink of juice or water. You’ll feel worse if you are dehydrated. Your body needs fluid and fuel to function.

Your boyfriend can also make his own dinner? And make you some too! Could you use his phone to call the GP?

And wash your face! The cold water is beneficial.

All just suggestions but hopefully will help somewhat.xx

You panicked as people do. Things were about to change dramatically and that can be frightening. With panic comes anxiety. That can be all consuming until any perceived threat is gone. An anxious mind goes to the worst case scenario and can make us make choices that in hindsight weren't the best.

But to move forward with your future you need to forgive yourself and gently let it go.xx

That isn’t shameful. It was perhaps a real threat to you at the time. And not something you wanted.

Give this time. There is light. It might take a bit of time but the good days will outweigh the bad.

The GP is a port of contact though.xx

@whisperingsummer

Thank you so much for sharing your story and for putting a different slant on things.

When I realised I was pregnant, I was shocked, it was an unplanned pregnancy but I wanted to keep it.

Friends kept telling me it was a miracle and I agreed with them, it was a miracle and at 41, was probably my last chance at bring a mum, how could I not go through with the pregnancy?

However, it wasn’t long before the rose tinted glasses came off and reality hit me. I was expecting a baby with my ex. My ex who didn’t want anything to do with us.
The more that sunk in the more anxious I got until, well, I did what I did - the unthinkable.

It’s really helpful to read your side of the story. You know first hand how difficult it is being a single mum, even though I’m sure, you wouldn’t be without them, you knew the implications of doing it all again.

I take comfort from that because, as much as you would have loved that baby, you knew that it was going to be a struggle.

It makes me realise that, deep down, even though I will always love my baby and regret what happened, it probably was for the best.

Thank you.

Take care xx

@Zebra13

I’m checking in on you.
It doesn’t sound like you are coping very well with this.
You sound like how I felt a couple of weeks ago.
I didn’t think I’d be at the stage im at right now, ever!
I’m only 4 weeks post abortion and as much as I’m cut up about what’s happened, I’ve had to pull myself through this.
The best thing you can do is to stop thinking about the, ‘what if’s’ .
What has happened is so awful, but sadly, we cannot turn back time, all we can do is move forward.
For that reason alone, I’m not looking back.
I’m sad still when I think about the due date, they would have been due a week before my birthday. I work in planning so we plan works weeks in advance. Today I planned some works in to take place a day after my birthday. It just made me think about my baby, they would have been 2 weeks old on that date. That gets to me and I think that will get harder the closer I get to the due date but I’ll deal with that then.

For now, I’m just doing what I have to do to survive.

Forgive me for talking out of turn, but is your partner making you feel guilty for what you’ve done? Sounds like there are a lot of people around you that are very negative to what you’ve been through, that can’t be helping?

Please keep posting on here, you need support. Most of us have been through what you’re going through, have had the same thoughts. You’re not alone. xx

So sorry you’re going through this OP

I use to work for Luton BPAS, they’re lovely. I’m sure they were very pleasant, would you feel comfortable ringing up and asking for some counselling? They’ll offer it to you.

With regards to the pregnancy, you didn’t end a life, and before 5+6 the pregnancy wouldn’t even have Fetal heart motion. The positive, to all of this horrendous pain, is that you are not tied to a manipulative fucker that your partner sounds like.

I’m so so sorry it wasn’t really what you wanted