Huge regret and grief after medical abortion, need some support :(

[April9888]

Over the summer I got into a new relationship with a guy who was great at first, but started to show some signs of being a bit controlling and emotionally abusive. Only very slightly, but I knew things would get worse. He refused to wear a condom but I’d been told I couldn’t conceive naturally so didn’t worry.

I split up with him in September because he’d had a breakdown and was taking things out on me and he was just getting me down. I knew he was bad news.

I found out I was pregnant days afterward. I was totally shocked. I’m 33 and really want children. I didn’t feel horror or enthusiasm when I saw the test really, just shock. I pondered over my decision for a few weeks, enduring sleepless nights and took time off work stressed trying to make a decision. My mind swung back and forth all the time, but I found myself leaning more towards termination because I envisaged having a family unit in the future - a loving partner and a child, not raising a child myself. I only have a rented house and I was worried my parents would be disappointed and couldn’t help me.

I went to BPAS at 7 weeks for a consultation. I convinced them I was 100% sure and took the tablets home thinking I would take them when I was ready. However due to how mentally stressed I was after weeks of being in limbo over my decision, I took the first tablet the second I got through the door without even thinking about it any further as I couldn’t take it.

I took the next set of 4 tablets the next day and I cried after doing it as I knew there was no going back. This was two weeks ago.

Physically I have recovered quite quickly, but mentally I’m a complete mess. I’ve never had depression before but I feel like I have it now. I’ve withdrawn from people, I don’t get joy from doing anything. I’ve gone off sick from work and I mostly just sleep during the days. When I’m awake I constantly look back at pictures I took of my pregnancy test (just in case I kept it, I documented it) and I’m obsessing over my pregnancy symptoms disappearing. I wonder what gender my child would have been and what symptoms I would be having now. I can’t be around my friends with children and I’m dreading my next friend announcing they’re pregnant.

I’m so worried I will never meet someone who wants a family with me and, even if they do, to make matters worse what if I can’t get pregnant again? Time isn’t on my side either. I confided in my mum yesterday who said she would have supported me which has made me feel even more regret.

Please help, I don’t know what to do as when I google this most people say they felt relief after abortion. I did feel some relief initially but none now :(

You must trust the decision you made at the time you made it. Grief and regret are unavoidable... but also signpost your path. It sounds like you really do want to have children so let this guide you. If you don't meet someone it isn't the end of the world, you could choose to try have a baby on your own, one you have planned and prepared for. You are very young and have so much ahead of you. Be kind with yourself while you grieve.

You haven't "got nothing" you have a future full of opportunity, remember that part of the reason you chose this was to protect your future child from the hurt which would be caused by your ex.

Everything is raw right now, but in time I really think you will find peace with yourself.
It's sad, it really is, it's going to take time but it will get easier.

I’m so sorry for shay you are going through.

I can’t say I fully understand because I haven’t been there.

But I just want to give you another perspective. I had a horrible horrible childhood with parents who should never have been together. I was always certain that I would never do that to a child. I didn’t meet my wonderful dh until my late 30s (having had some terrible relationships along the way).

I finally had my ds at 39, and can’t tell you the unbelievable joy and happiness I feel that I waited until I knew I was with the right person to be able to do this well.

Your time will come and your joy is out there for you. I’m a firm believer in things happen when they are supposed to. It would have been a torturous life trying to raise a child with someone you were not on the same page with.

Heal, recover and find your trust in the world again. You had the strength and bravery to make a hard decision, but one that your gut knew was right. Xxxxxc

Hi OP, so sorry your going through this

My own experience happened when I was just 18 and in my first proper relationship and it was actually a good relationship. He was older and settled in life career/apartment etc. We were living together but still obviously early on in our relationship. The week before my birthday I found out I was pregnant, I was so so shocked as was my DP at the time. Literally within about 48 hours of finding out I was suddenly unbelievably unwell, I couldn’t eat, or drink or anything, everything made me sick. After 3 days of doing nothing but dry heaving and throwing up bile I was delirious so my DP decided to take me to hospital. I was treated very poorly at hospital I was told nothing could be done, it was just severe pregnancy sickness and to just go home and get on with it. At home I struggled on sucking bits of apple and sipping water, I could barely lift my head off the pillow for my birthday and I had lost a stone in weight and I was only 7 stone to start with. A couple of days later DP bundled me up in the car and said we were going to the doctors, I was so out of it I really didn’t care if we were going to the moon. At the doctors office I didn’t even make it to the reception before I was in the loo being sick. The staff saw how ill I was and whisked me straight into a room, I vaguely remember being asked to confirm my name and date of birth and being given a scan. Everyone talked like I wasn’t even there, I was so out of it I didn’t have the strength to speak let alone ask questions. I do remember them being sympathetic towards me and some nice lady patted my arm and squeezed my hand. I was sent home, nothing was said yet the next morning I was taken back to the doctors office. I was the first appointment of the day, I had be carried to the table as I couldn’t even walk. Some nice lady helped me dress into a gown and held the sick bowl for me as I was being sick and at the same time a man performed a surgical abortion. I don’t know if I was even given any pain relief because the pain was the thing that brought me round from being delirious and I shouted no, but it was already done. I was 18 at the time, so 21 years ago and I had a procedure that I did not consent to. I had become so ill that it took a couple of months before I gained weight back and felt physically well. Those first few weeks I was in complete shock and still very sick and then slowly as my body healed my mental health started to suffer.

At first I was terrified of becoming pregnant as all I could remember was being so poorly, I had literally felt like I was dying. Then as the memories of the sickness faded I started to mourn my pregnancy and the child that could have been. Then I was angry, so very very angry, angry that I was living with this pain and this trauma and the after effects of a decision that I didn’t even make, that was made for me. My DP made his excuses, said that it was so terrible seeing me so unwell, that he was frightened and this is what he thought would fix it!! I became obsessed with pregnancy and babies (I had never been before) yet anyone getting pregnant around me was like a very real punch in the gut. I told DP that I couldn’t cope any more and that I felt like I needed to get pregnant in order to recover (silly I know but being so young it was how I felt) DP of course refused. I felt so utterly bereaved and alone, no one apart from us knew I was ever pregnant in the first place so there was no one to talk to. It’s the most consuming pain I have ever felt, but it did lessen in time. It also helped that I now know that I was suffering from HG a severe form of pregnancy sickness, and I didn’t fail in some way, in fact there were drugs that could have prescribed to me that may have helped. Leaving my DP also helped, he was the source of my resentment and a constant reminder of what happened. It took me 4 years to leave but I did eventually leave, and it turned out to be the best medicine in the end.

Whilst our circumstances around abortion are different, I can very much identify with the pain you are feeling. For me I just wanted to be pregnant again for a very long time, but of course what I really wanted was not to replace the baby, but instead to not have aborted the one I already had, alas neither of us has a time machine so of course it’s not possible.

What helped me: I avoided anyone else pregnant like the plague for a good while. I bought a little teddy bear and a candle in remembrance and whenever I needed I lit the candle and hugged and cried into that teddy. I also did some crazy things that I’m not sure if it made it better or worse but since this is an anonymous forum I will share these with you. I picked names, one for a girl and one for a boy, I picked out the crib I would have put them to sleep in, picked the pram I would have pushed them round in and numerous other things and for a time I would daydream of the things we would have done together and the books I would have read to them, the songs I would have sang etc. It was easy to visualise and made me feel that somewhere somehow that despite what happened my baby was loved, just as you love yours too, because the choice you made does not mean that you did not love this baby, and does not mean that you didn’t lose a baby, it’s does not mean that your aren’t bereaved because you are and you are allowed to feel sad and you are allowed to grieve your loss because it is still a loss.

Please allow yourself some time to grieve, know that whilst the pain may be quite acute right now it will lessen with time. Please don’t feel guilty, (I felt tremendous guilt for a long time) you made the best decision, with the information you had at the time and for what it’s worth given your ex I certainly would have done the same thing. Try not to worry about the future unnecessarily, I was convinced for a long time I would somehow be punished by the universe and never be able to get pregnant again, I was wrong!

Nothing stays the same for ever, and while marriage and babies might seem far away now, or out of reach, it won’t be or feel this way forever.

You will heal, and if your struggling please don’t be afraid to reach out for help. BPAS also offer post abortion counselling as do Marie Stopes I think.

I’m sorry this post was so long

@sosotired1

You must trust the decision you made at the time you made it. Grief and regret are unavoidable... but also signpost your path. It sounds like you really do want to have children so let this guide you. If you don't meet someone it isn't the end of the world, you could choose to try have a baby on your own, one you have planned and prepared for. You are very young and have so much ahead of you. Be kind with yourself while you grieve.

Thank you, I will try and be kind to myself. 33 doesn’t feel really young, I keep reading articles about fertility dropping off after 30, but you’re right! At least I know I can get pregnant, I guess

@Pugdoglife

You haven't "got nothing" you have a future full of opportunity, remember that part of the reason you chose this was to protect your future child from the hurt which would be caused by your ex.

Everything is raw right now, but in time I really think you will find peace with yourself.
It's sad, it really is, it's going to take time but it will get easier.

Thank you, very wise. I hope you’re right!

@WinnerWinnerChickenDinner0

I’m so sorry for shay you are going through.

I can’t say I fully understand because I haven’t been there.

But I just want to give you another perspective. I had a horrible horrible childhood with parents who should never have been together. I was always certain that I would never do that to a child. I didn’t meet my wonderful dh until my late 30s (having had some terrible relationships along the way).

I finally had my ds at 39, and can’t tell you the unbelievable joy and happiness I feel that I waited until I knew I was with the right person to be able to do this well.

Your time will come and your joy is out there for you. I’m a firm believer in things happen when they are supposed to. It would have been a torturous life trying to raise a child with someone you were not on the same page with.

Heal, recover and find your trust in the world again. You had the strength and bravery to make a hard decision, but one that your gut knew was right. Xxxxxc

I can’t thank you enough for sharing this! Not only does it make me feel better about my choice, but gives me hope for the future

I get how you feel. You made a conscious decision to do something you knew was not right given the circumstances you found yourself in. Had the circumstances been different you would have welcomed the baby into your life.

What you did was brave and thoughtful and heart rending and I admire you for your inner strength and ability to do something you fundamentally thought was not right for you and the baby at this time.

You need time to grieve and time to heal, and above all time to be kind to you.

@Lillygolightly

Hi OP, so sorry your going through this

My own experience happened when I was just 18 and in my first proper relationship and it was actually a good relationship. He was older and settled in life career/apartment etc. We were living together but still obviously early on in our relationship. The week before my birthday I found out I was pregnant, I was so so shocked as was my DP at the time. Literally within about 48 hours of finding out I was suddenly unbelievably unwell, I couldn’t eat, or drink or anything, everything made me sick. After 3 days of doing nothing but dry heaving and throwing up bile I was delirious so my DP decided to take me to hospital. I was treated very poorly at hospital I was told nothing could be done, it was just severe pregnancy sickness and to just go home and get on with it. At home I struggled on sucking bits of apple and sipping water, I could barely lift my head off the pillow for my birthday and I had lost a stone in weight and I was only 7 stone to start with. A couple of days later DP bundled me up in the car and said we were going to the doctors, I was so out of it I really didn’t care if we were going to the moon. At the doctors office I didn’t even make it to the reception before I was in the loo being sick. The staff saw how ill I was and whisked me straight into a room, I vaguely remember being asked to confirm my name and date of birth and being given a scan. Everyone talked like I wasn’t even there, I was so out of it I didn’t have the strength to speak let alone ask questions. I do remember them being sympathetic towards me and some nice lady patted my arm and squeezed my hand. I was sent home, nothing was said yet the next morning I was taken back to the doctors office. I was the first appointment of the day, I had be carried to the table as I couldn’t even walk. Some nice lady helped me dress into a gown and held the sick bowl for me as I was being sick and at the same time a man performed a surgical abortion. I don’t know if I was even given any pain relief because the pain was the thing that brought me round from being delirious and I shouted no, but it was already done. I was 18 at the time, so 21 years ago and I had a procedure that I did not consent to. I had become so ill that it took a couple of months before I gained weight back and felt physically well. Those first few weeks I was in complete shock and still very sick and then slowly as my body healed my mental health started to suffer.

At first I was terrified of becoming pregnant as all I could remember was being so poorly, I had literally felt like I was dying. Then as the memories of the sickness faded I started to mourn my pregnancy and the child that could have been. Then I was angry, so very very angry, angry that I was living with this pain and this trauma and the after effects of a decision that I didn’t even make, that was made for me. My DP made his excuses, said that it was so terrible seeing me so unwell, that he was frightened and this is what he thought would fix it!! I became obsessed with pregnancy and babies (I had never been before) yet anyone getting pregnant around me was like a very real punch in the gut. I told DP that I couldn’t cope any more and that I felt like I needed to get pregnant in order to recover (silly I know but being so young it was how I felt) DP of course refused. I felt so utterly bereaved and alone, no one apart from us knew I was ever pregnant in the first place so there was no one to talk to. It’s the most consuming pain I have ever felt, but it did lessen in time. It also helped that I now know that I was suffering from HG a severe form of pregnancy sickness, and I didn’t fail in some way, in fact there were drugs that could have prescribed to me that may have helped. Leaving my DP also helped, he was the source of my resentment and a constant reminder of what happened. It took me 4 years to leave but I did eventually leave, and it turned out to be the best medicine in the end.

Whilst our circumstances around abortion are different, I can very much identify with the pain you are feeling. For me I just wanted to be pregnant again for a very long time, but of course what I really wanted was not to replace the baby, but instead to not have aborted the one I already had, alas neither of us has a time machine so of course it’s not possible.

What helped me: I avoided anyone else pregnant like the plague for a good while. I bought a little teddy bear and a candle in remembrance and whenever I needed I lit the candle and hugged and cried into that teddy. I also did some crazy things that I’m not sure if it made it better or worse but since this is an anonymous forum I will share these with you. I picked names, one for a girl and one for a boy, I picked out the crib I would have put them to sleep in, picked the pram I would have pushed them round in and numerous other things and for a time I would daydream of the things we would have done together and the books I would have read to them, the songs I would have sang etc. It was easy to visualise and made me feel that somewhere somehow that despite what happened my baby was loved, just as you love yours too, because the choice you made does not mean that you did not love this baby, and does not mean that you didn’t lose a baby, it’s does not mean that your aren’t bereaved because you are and you are allowed to feel sad and you are allowed to grieve your loss because it is still a loss.

Please allow yourself some time to grieve, know that whilst the pain may be quite acute right now it will lessen with time. Please don’t feel guilty, (I felt tremendous guilt for a long time) you made the best decision, with the information you had at the time and for what it’s worth given your ex I certainly would have done the same thing. Try not to worry about the future unnecessarily, I was convinced for a long time I would somehow be punished by the universe and never be able to get pregnant again, I was wrong!

Nothing stays the same for ever, and while marriage and babies might seem far away now, or out of reach, it won’t be or feel this way forever.

You will heal, and if your struggling please don’t be afraid to reach out for help. BPAS also offer post abortion counselling as do Marie Stopes I think.

I’m sorry this post was so long

What a story, thank you so much for sharing. You’re right, different circumstances but very much the same feelings afterwards :( thanks for sharing what helped you, too! I’m trying hard to avoid pregnant friends and family but there’s so many of them. I’ve just started counselling so I’m really hoping to see the benefits of that soon.

Thank you

My friend made the same decision OP. She was pregnant to an abusive man and decided to terminate because not only would she be permanently tied to him and subject to his abuse for the rest of her life, but he would also undoubtedly get access to the child and abuse him/her too. I would have made the same decision myself. I appreciate the grief that would ensue but I don’t think there was another choice tbh.

You said you didn’t worry about not using a condom because you didn’t think you could get pregnant. But you’re still at risk of very serious STDs including HIV, HPV and Hepatitis just to name a few. Get tested and bear that in mind in future.

@Anordinarymum

I get how you feel. You made a conscious decision to do something you knew was not right given the circumstances you found yourself in. Had the circumstances been different you would have welcomed the baby into your life.

What you did was brave and thoughtful and heart rending and I admire you for your inner strength and ability to do something you fundamentally thought was not right for you and the baby at this time.

You need time to grieve and time to heal, and above all time to be kind to you.

That’s very kind. Thank you

@WizWoz

My friend made the same decision OP. She was pregnant to an abusive man and decided to terminate because not only would she be permanently tied to him and subject to his abuse for the rest of her life, but he would also undoubtedly get access to the child and abuse him/her too. I would have made the same decision myself. I appreciate the grief that would ensue but I don’t think there was another choice tbh.

You said you didn’t worry about not using a condom because you didn’t think you could get pregnant. But you’re still at risk of very serious STDs including HIV, HPV and Hepatitis just to name a few. Get tested and bear that in mind in future.

Thank you, so good to hear other people in my position. My mind was so deluded when I first found out, I felt like reaching out to him and imagining him being thrilled and us playing happy families for ever more. But I knew it would never happen like that and I had to be really honest with myself and look past the fantasy of it all.

We both got STD tested at the beginning of the rship. I actually got tested again when I found out I was pregnant and all came back okay thank god!

@pcar3345

You are not a bad person. You felt like you were in a desperate situation and you gave in to pressure on all sides. But now you can be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, and heal. A brilliant source of post-abortion stories where you might want to read and maybe share your own, is here:

exhaleprovoice.org/post/category/community/

There's no judgement and the organisation is publicly on record as being pro-choice.

Will keep you, and everyone involved in your situation, in my thoughts.

Thank you so much, I will look into that today. I think today is going to be a huge struggle for some reason, I woke up in the early hours just thinking and regretting what I’d done :(

Hi OP,

I hope you’re feeling a little better now and just I wanted to say I think your really strong for making that decision.

I fell pregnant late 2018 when I was 31 with my ex who was emotionally abusive. I was initially over the moon when I found out I was pregnant but that all came crashing down when the relationship continued to be toxic and I realised I was about to have a life long connection to this man. I didn’t think it was fair on a child to be brought up in such an environment and after going back and forth in my mind so many times I decided to have a termination when I was 10 weeks. I didn’t want to do it but honestly felt I didn’t have a choice. It broke me! And I mean really broke me! All I felt was crushing grief and I then fell into depression. I tried counselling but felt to ashamed to open up and somehow just managed to get through it alone and in time the pain started to ease. It’s such a hard thing to go through when deep down you know if the situation was different you would have kept the baby. But time really is the only healer, and I think in time you will be able to see that you made the right decision.

I also worried about my fertility after and was worried I would never be able to conceive again. I read some much online about fertility starting to declining after 30 and felt so panicked that I might not ever get the chance again. Not long after I met an amazing man who I’m now engaged to and I’m due to give birth to our baby next month. Pregnancy is bloody hard and I don’t think I would have coped very well without his support, so I really would have struggled with such little support from my ex. It’s really put everything into perspective for me. Although I still feel sad I had to make that decision I know it was the right one. I met my fiancé unexpectedly and things moved fast because it just felt right so you really never know what’s around the corner and I wish I would have been a little kinder to myself at the time and not been so fearful over my future. You deserve a loving partner and a great dad to any future children you have and I’m sure you’ll find that so try to be thankful that you was brave enough to make the right choice for yourself and your future.

@changes77

Hi OP,

I hope you’re feeling a little better now and just I wanted to say I think your really strong for making that decision.

I fell pregnant late 2018 when I was 31 with my ex who was emotionally abusive. I was initially over the moon when I found out I was pregnant but that all came crashing down when the relationship continued to be toxic and I realised I was about to have a life long connection to this man. I didn’t think it was fair on a child to be brought up in such an environment and after going back and forth in my mind so many times I decided to have a termination when I was 10 weeks. I didn’t want to do it but honestly felt I didn’t have a choice. It broke me! And I mean really broke me! All I felt was crushing grief and I then fell into depression. I tried counselling but felt to ashamed to open up and somehow just managed to get through it alone and in time the pain started to ease. It’s such a hard thing to go through when deep down you know if the situation was different you would have kept the baby. But time really is the only healer, and I think in time you will be able to see that you made the right decision.

I also worried about my fertility after and was worried I would never be able to conceive again. I read some much online about fertility starting to declining after 30 and felt so panicked that I might not ever get the chance again. Not long after I met an amazing man who I’m now engaged to and I’m due to give birth to our baby next month. Pregnancy is bloody hard and I don’t think I would have coped very well without his support, so I really would have struggled with such little support from my ex. It’s really put everything into perspective for me. Although I still feel sad I had to make that decision I know it was the right one. I met my fiancé unexpectedly and things moved fast because it just felt right so you really never know what’s around the corner and I wish I would have been a little kinder to myself at the time and not been so fearful over my future. You deserve a loving partner and a great dad to any future children you have and I’m sure you’ll find that so try to be thankful that you was brave enough to make the right choice for yourself and your future.

Hi there

I’ve had one or two good days since my post, but honestly I’m still doing very poorly over all. I’m still off work. I often cry multiple times a day and I still haven’t been able to open up to my counsellor yet which is really frustrating. I can feel myself getting upset when I go to bring it up and then can’t do it. Does that get easier?

Well done for you for making such a brave choice too, and I’m so so pleased things have worked out for you. I panic about ‘declining fertility’ like you did, this is something i need to try and get over.

I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. I go from wanting to contact my ex and scream at him, to feeling okay and “geez why have I been so emotional over this!?”, to then grief, then to having thoughts about getting pregnant again quickly, honestly it’s even more draining than making the decision was.

I don’t know how long to leave it until I go back to my GP and get assessed for depression? Is it possible my hormones are still at play?

Hi@April9888 Hope your doing ok, although my situation & set of circumstances aren’t the same as yours I do know how your feeling regarding the awful grief & depression post abortion, mine was almost a year ago & straight away after I was an absolute state , crying numerous times a day/night absolutely anything would set me off as crazy as it sounds I remember lying in the bath crying as the bubbles formed in the shape of the Baby sac , I literally couldn’t get away from anything, for me personally its all been about the counselling, ive had it weekly & almost 10 months into now but my god it’s probably saved me, did you choose your own counseller? Is there a reason why you feel unable to confide in them everything your feeling?? Hugs 💞

[quote ZAK3]Hi@April9888 Hope your doing ok, although my situation & set of circumstances aren’t the same as yours I do know how your feeling regarding the awful grief & depression post abortion, mine was almost a year ago & straight away after I was an absolute state , crying numerous times a day/night absolutely anything would set me off as crazy as it sounds I remember lying in the bath crying as the bubbles formed in the shape of the Baby sac , I literally couldn’t get away from anything, for me personally its all been about the counselling, ive had it weekly & almost 10 months into now but my god it’s probably saved me, did you choose your own counseller? Is there a reason why you feel unable to confide in them everything your feeling?? Hugs 💞[/quote]
Thanks Zak, that’s good to know. Everything sets me off too, even the shop I bought my pregnancy tests in. So ridiculous.

I’m not sure why I haven’t been able to open up yet I think it’s because I can feel myself tearing up going to bring it up and I don’t want to. end up a blubbering mess. I’ve got another session tomorrow morn though so am going to try my very best!

how you’re feeling is perfectly normal. not everyone feels like this of course, some feel only relief which is fine, some are heartbroken which is also fine. in a couple of years (or less) you’ll be able to see the wood for the trees and know you made the best decision for you that you could have made at the time. You were stuck between a rock and a hard place and chose not to saddle yourself with a shit man who would also be a shit father to a child who had no choice in the matter. You may always feel sad about this but it will fade in intensity and it’s ok to be sad and relieved at the same time, later down the line

also meant to say you almost certainly do know someone else who’s been through this. Do you know 3 women? Statistically 1 of them has had an abortion. People don’t talk about it which is a shame, as it’s just part of life for a LOT of women

@halfmoonfullmoon

how you’re feeling is perfectly normal. not everyone feels like this of course, some feel only relief which is fine, some are heartbroken which is also fine. in a couple of years (or less) you’ll be able to see the wood for the trees and know you made the best decision for you that you could have made at the time. You were stuck between a rock and a hard place and chose not to saddle yourself with a shit man who would also be a shit father to a child who had no choice in the matter. You may always feel sad about this but it will fade in intensity and it’s ok to be sad and relieved at the same time, later down the line

Thank you so much. I’m beginning to feel a little bit more optimistic lately so I’m really hoping I’ve turned a corner. I managed to open up a bit in counselling so I’m looking forward to unpacking this all a bit more in those sessions.

I did read about the 1 in 3 statistic, that’s crazy! It is a shame, especially as I’m someone who likes to talk things through with others and share experiences.

Hi guys I hope you don’t mind if I join...I am in a situation at the moment where I’m pregnant unplanned and considering my options (5/6 weeks) . The baby is very much wanted (by me, oh has said Although he didnt want another and would lean more to a termination he doesn’t want me to have any regrets) however I have had 3 csections already and 3 children (my youngest is 10months) and I was advised not to have another by the consultant at my last section as it increases the risk of complications...now I’ve looked into all these complications and I think if I do continue I’m going to die and leave my children motherless. I’ve seen a consultant who has said that’s not likely to happen but the risks of complications do increase and they can only give the risks And let me make a decision....she did say a termination is not necessarily needed but that I would be more high risk this time, she also mentioned a termination is not without its complications either.

I’m very much on the fence and struggling with severe anxiety struggling to see clearly, my oh is getting annoyed now that I’m so tearful all the time and not knowing what to do, part of me thinks I should terminate so I can stop feeling like this and go back to my life as it was but the other half of me thinks I’ll never get over it....I’m not sure which risks I should be taking...can you guys let me know how the medical abortion was for u all?

@Mummyto3GBG

Hi guys I hope you don’t mind if I join...I am in a situation at the moment where I’m pregnant unplanned and considering my options (5/6 weeks) . The baby is very much wanted (by me, oh has said Although he didnt want another and would lean more to a termination he doesn’t want me to have any regrets) however I have had 3 csections already and 3 children (my youngest is 10months) and I was advised not to have another by the consultant at my last section as it increases the risk of complications...now I’ve looked into all these complications and I think if I do continue I’m going to die and leave my children motherless. I’ve seen a consultant who has said that’s not likely to happen but the risks of complications do increase and they can only give the risks And let me make a decision....she did say a termination is not necessarily needed but that I would be more high risk this time, she also mentioned a termination is not without its complications either.

I’m very much on the fence and struggling with severe anxiety struggling to see clearly, my oh is getting annoyed now that I’m so tearful all the time and not knowing what to do, part of me thinks I should terminate so I can stop feeling like this and go back to my life as it was but the other half of me thinks I’ll never get over it....I’m not sure which risks I should be taking...can you guys let me know how the medical abortion was for u all?

Hiya, firstly I massively relate to how you feel! I was tearful all the time and had felt completely torn. When I took the first tablet I was so exhausted from feeling torn and being upset all the time that I just wanted it to be over, but deep down I knew the risk was I’d never get over it.

My experience was I took the first tablet, which did nothing to me at all. Then 24 hours later I took the 4 vaginally, along with taking some paracetamol. I started cramping about 2.5-3 hours after that. The cramps came on very very quickly and I felt dizzy, faint and sick. I was so weak I couldn’t even get to the toilet, so I just strapped on a very absorbent pad and hoped for the best. It was a very very uncomfortable type of pain where I just couldn’t get comfy and felt sick every time I moved even slightly. I was even too weak to look at my phone or watch tv or literally do anything.

Luckily I get prescribed codiene for a back injury so I took two of those when I was able to, but even then they took at least an hour to kick in.

The cramping went on for about 4 hours altogether and then I started to feel better. I was able to sleep fine, and the next morning I felt brand new. I only used about three night time pads day of the actual termination, I was only changing them every 3/4 hours and even then they weren’t 100% soaked.

I didn’t see a foetus but I do recall two quite big clots, one on termination day and the next day, with some smaller clots here and there too. I did have a “popping” sound in my uterus during the whole ordeal, which felt like three pops one after the other, but never did I feel any urge to go and “pass” the pregnancy but then I was very high..!!

The following few days was like a heavy period, and then things started to very slowly reduce every day. I probably bled for about 10 or 11 days but it was very light towards the end.

My mood initially lifted very quickly and I wasn’t as tired or as gassy. My boobs stopped hurting within a few days and after about 10 days or so they stared to shrink down to normal. I now don’t feel pregnant whatsoever and have had a negative test.

As you’ve read in this post, my emotions crashed completely about 5-6 days after the termination. I was completely beside myself and all I could do was mope around my house racked by regret and guilt. It’s been the worst part and emotionally it’s been way, way worse than when I was pregnant, which I never thought would have been possible..... part of the reason I terminated was because I thought “I can’t possibly feel worse than I do now”, but I was wrong.

What I will say, is very recently I feel like that haze has lifted, and I am beginning to think more clearly with time and the help of therapy. I will still always wonder how my life would have been with that baby, and I’ve got a long way to go, but I can actually see a way forward a little now.

My guess is that because you sound as torn as I was, either option you choose is going to be very difficult. It feels like lose lose situation doesn’t it? Please try and do what’s best for you, and don’t be influenced by anyone else if you can help it. Then you will never be hard on yourself no matter what happens, as you made the best decision for you at the time.

Good luck