I’m 40, DH and I have 2 DS, one 4.5 years and the other 9 months. We’d pondered in the past about having 3 and this month decided to “see what happened”. Very early considering DS2 is only 9 months and in retrospect totally the wrong time for us. But owing to my age and the fact we had infertility previously and 2 miscarriages, I think age became a deciding factor. In all honesty I realise I’ve become obsessed over the last few years about my age and possibly not being able to have 3, but I’ve realised with great clarity now that it’s never been about wanting 3, it’s been about leaving the door open and still being in control of my choices.
At the time we “did the deed” I wasn’t sure. Afterwards I strongly considered taking the morning after pill but didn’t, not because I wanted to be pregnant but because I was confused and worried that if we really did want a third and later I couldn’t conceive, I’d regret taking it. I’m terrible at making decisions and standing by them.
When I found out last week I’m pregnant we were both a bit shellshocked as honestly didn’t think it would happen. I feel like we’re a stupid couple of teenagers not a married couple in our 40s. I feel so ashamed of myself.
We’ve spoken about it non stop. DH is very supportive and amazing and will do whatever is right for us and would never try to push me one way or the other. We both oscillate daily, even by the hour on what we want to do.
I don’t want to be pregnant. I loved our life with our 2 little boys. We were so happy. I don’t want another baby because our life now is so good. I’m worried about the risks with my age and how having a child with a severe needs would affect my 2 children. I want things to go back to normal. I’m pro choice and have already had a consultation with Marie Stopes and they are sending me the medical abortion pills.
But I don’t know if I could go through with it. I don’t want to be pregnant but I don’t know if I can terminate. I’m terrified of a lifetime of regrets. I can cope with immediate post abortion grief and have lots of support but I can’t deal with the idea of in years to come always wondering. I had an abortion at 16 and have never ever regretted it. But then we had a selective reduction procedure (triplets to singleton) a few years ago and although I know it was the right decision for us at the time, I frequently wonder what the “other twin” would have been if we’d decided to keep 2 rather than 1.
I love our family just as it is. But as DH says, we don’t know what life would be like with 3 DC, maybe it would be better. Maybe not. I can’t believe I’d ever look at DC3 and regret having him or her, but is that enough to make me go ahead with this? Do I want my family to change in this way? I’d be 41 with a 5 year old, an 18 month old and a newborn. DS2 would still be a baby and need me so much. I’d be spread so thinly.
Please please help me. I know no one can tell me what to do but if anyone has been here before please share your experience if you can. Or if anyone can just help me with the decision making process and the fears of regret and the what ifs compared to making an active choice to stick with where we’re happy. I just don’t know what to do and I genuinely can’t see a way out.