Name changed for this.
Hi all. I’m in such a dilemma and don’t know what to do. This is long as there’s a fair bit of background, but thank you so much if you read it all.
Three weeks ago the condom split. I took the MAP first thing the following morning and didn’t think any more of it, but clearly it didn’t work as I have just discovered that I am pregnant.
DP and I are already parents to a gorgeous DD who is 16 months old. She was very much planned and wanted and I was ecstatic when I found out I was pregnant with her. This time however....
I’m a second year university student, due to graduate in May/June of next year. I’ve worked out that this baby would be due in January next year. DD was also born in January, so there would be pretty much exactly two years between them. The prospect of trying to write a dissertation with a toddler AND a young baby is a daunting prospect. It’s hard enough trying to get work done with DD.
Then there are the financial worries. Right now we’re fine financially, but that’s because I get a student loan. My partner works full time and earns fairly good money, but his wage isn’t enough to cover all of the bills and outgoings. Obviously I’d only get student loans until I graduate, after which point I’d need to find a job fairly quickly.
Then there’s also the problem of childcare... we’re very lucky that my parents are happy to look after DD whilst I’m at uni (obviously not NOW but normally....) but I think it’s unfair of me to expect them to look after a young baby and a toddler. So we would have to find childcare for the new baby whilst I was at uni, and that’ll likely be very expensive (although I think student finance do pay a certain amount of childcare expenses). I have considered taking a year off uni, but I already took a year off to have DD and I doubt they would let me take another year off (they only allow it under ‘exceptional’ circumstances). Plus I wouldn’t be getting a student loan which would put us under financial strain.
When I took a year off with DD we didn’t have the financial worries we would now, as I had a fair bit of money in savings from the job I had before I started uni. Obviously we used most of that money up. We still have a little bit left but it would only last a couple of months if that.
So, all of this (the stress of trying to get work done with two young children, the potential financial worries, trying to job hunt with a baby ect) is making me think termination is the most sensible option. But, the heart isn’t sensible.... My heart is telling me to keep the baby. That I would regret having a termination. That many many people have babies in far worse situations than us. That things might be a bit tight for a few months but not forever. When I first found out, I actually felt kind of happy and excited. Albeit very very fleetingly and it was quickly replaced by panic... but it was there. DP and I DO want more children, but our plan was for me to finish uni and get a job before we even considered having any more.
Also.. I’ve previously had a miscarriage. A few months before falling pregnant with DD I lost a baby at 14 weeks. It was utterly heart wrenching and the fact that I am now considering deliberately ending a pregnancy makes me feel very strange and sad. I am 100% pro choice and would never ever judge anyone else for having a termination, but I never imagined I would find myself in this situation. I found out a few days ago and I switch from being utterly determined to keep the baby, even as far as thinking of names ect, to being determined that I’m going to get a termination. I’ve sat staring at the phone a few times but can’t quite bring myself to pick it up and book the appointment. DP has said it is ultimately my decision and that he will support me whatever I choose, but I can tell that he is leaning towards wanting me to keep the baby. We are still young (I’m 26, he’s 27), so we have plenty of time to have more children.
So, it seems to me that my options are;
- Continue the pregnancy and continue uni, but take on the extra stress of trying to get work/studying done whilst looking after two young children, also take on extra financial burden of childcare and just having another child.
- Continue the pregnancy but drop out of uni. I really don’t want to do this as I enjoy uni and worked hard to get in and keep my grades up and am loathe to throw it away. I MAY be able to take another year off but this isn’t guaranteed and would cause financial strain as we wouldn’t have my student loan coming in. I would have to find a job ASAP in order to qualify for maternity allowance, just so we would have some money coming in (DP would still be working of course but again, his wage alone isn’t enough to support us). But who would take on a pregnant employee?? Finding a job would be quite hard in this current climate, especially if I’m pregnant, although I am registered with a job agency and have done temp work before which makes it a bit easier.
- Or, I could get a termination and life would continue as it is now. This seems like the most sensible option to me but again, my heart is saying no.
I am so confused and sad 😢 I know none of you can tell me what to do and it’s ultimately my decision, but just some input would be nice. What would you do in my situation?
Thank you so much if you’ve read all of this! 