Sometimes I feel like it’s only me who remembers my abortion or cares

[WineInTheSun]

3 years ago in June 2016 (unbelievable how fast time goes) I had an abortion after getting pregnant by an fwb. I was very very immature at the time and very in love with him but he did not feel the same way about me.
I’m not proud of how I handled the pregnancy and in many ways I was deceitful- I didn’t tell him about the abortion until after I had done it. Mainly because I knew he didn’t care about me, so I didn’t expect him to care about the baby either. But he was really great after the abortion and was quite caring about what would have been the baby.

Time passed and we stopped seeing eachother- he didn’t feel able to have sex with me again, he said the pregnancy had been such a turn off. At the point where we would have had a one year old (January 2018) I contacted him on what would have been the first birthday. We chatted on WhatsApp about his career (he’s very much a high flyer- I am not) and our lives. I used to occasionally message him when I was drunk but would never mention the baby.

Now i’m really struggling. I have matured in the past 3 years and it feels like everybody around me has forgotten about the baby- the due date/birthday in January passed by this year without my mum saying anything to me, my best friend forgot, nobody ever mentions the baby or even acknowledges I was pregnant. But it hurts, I’ve been thinking about the baby a lot recently and wondering who they would have been. What’s hard is I could have coped- my career would still be the same if I had a baby (I’m a nurse). I haven’t done anything amazing in the past 3 years that a baby would have hindered. And now I regret having the abortion. Part of me wants to reach out to this guy (he’s still single) but I think he may not be interested and what if he’s forgotten about the pregnancy? Do men remember these things? It feels like I’m carrying a lonely secret and nobody shares my pain

Are you regretting the abortion as you want the man and thought he'd stay if you'd had his baby? The chances are he wouldn't.

glad you are going to get counselling about this. it is totally normal for others not to mention or even think about the due birth date when you chose to have an abortion.

OP it is completely normal for you to deal with that event in whatever way you choose, however I do think that you are not allowing yourself to move on and accept what happen is done and is now gone. You need to grieve and allow yourself to work towards building a positive future for your life. You made a choice that at the time was the right choice for you and now thankfully you are in a better place and one day you will have a baby and start a family under the right circumstances. I wish you all the best, and send you healing vibes x

Hi OP, sorry you are having a tough time. I'm not surprised people around you have forgotten/aren't mentioning it, they may feel it would upset you to mention it or be busy in their own problems.

I do understand, as I had an abortion and often struggle to cope with it. Some PP have been dismissive that you 'chose to abort' but sometimes women abort due to pressure/lack of support/panic and sometimes it's the right decision but can still be very hard to move on from and be happy after. Counselling would be a good first step, it may be that you need to look privately if your 'free' sessions finish very soon, I'm not sure where youd find a suitable counsellor but hopefully bpas or marie stopes can advise. In my experience it can be very difficult for people without experience of aborting to understand the pain, guilt, regret etc that some women feel, but hopefully you will feel better in time