My partner and I have been together for 10 years. We had previously tried to have a baby together (we both have children from previous relationships) with no luck. After so long we just presumed we couldn’t have children.
I have recently gone back to university and became a teacher to help us financially and to achieve my dream. Then in January we found out I was expecting. This was a massive shock but deep down I had an overwhelming feeling of love already. I downloaded pregnancy apps and began to get attached. Despite all this, I knew we weren’t in a position now to have another child (all our children are teenagers, our house is too small, we weren’t financially stable as I was at uni and it would mean I couldn’t start the job I’d been offered in Sept) and apart from my work colleagues I had no other support. My mum was especially against this.
Although I knew we had to have the baby aborted this was soul destroying for me. I had to think of our other children and our future and put them first. I’ve always struggled to provide for them, I wanted to give them the life they deserved. This was THE hardest, most painful thing I’d ever had to do. I went to the clinic and they gave me the tablets. I still wasn’t sure of my decision, but put my family and career first and went ahead with it. I thought it had worked but still felt so ill. I went back to the clinic and after a scan they found I was still pregnant. This meant I had to go back to the clinic and have surgery to remove the baby. I felt I had no support from my partner. He left me alone to deal with all this and went to play football etc. Life went on for him as I was just having a breakdown. My life was crumbling but I continued to work as much as I could so I didn’t have to extend my studies. This gave me focus or so I thought.
Now, 5 months later, I am still struggling. Wondering what I’d look like now if I was still pregnant, wondering how my unborn child would be growing, wondering what my baby would be like when they were born. I’m just not coping.
My partner still does not understand. He just says, ‘I don’t get why you’re like this, one minute you’re ok, the next you’re like this! We made the right decision, it must be your hormones.’
I want to scream out how I wish I was still pregnant, how I wish I was still having his baby but no one understands. I feel no relief, only pain.