Struggling to go through with abortion.

[Dusty2]

Hi I'll try not to make this too long, I'm about 6 weeks pregnant and my husband and I have 2 children already, a 4 year old and a 11 month old. I'm 40 and he's 46 and has just had a vasectomy so we decided we didn't want another. After much sole searching we decided not to go ahead with the pregnancy and I went for an abortion on Thursday. Problem was, when I got there, I panicked and couldn't swallow the pill, I literally had it in my mouth and spat it out. I'm terrified of making the wrong choice, this is so final, there's no changing our minds in the future he's had the snip (after we conceived so it has worked) and I'm scared of regretting my decision. When I walked out of the hospital tho, I didn't feel relieved, I was disappointed with myself for chickening out. We have rescheduled the abortion for this Sunday but I'm very troubled, I believe it's the right decision but something in me is struggling with it. Has anyone been through this? Any advice thanks.

@Dusty2 thanks for coming back and updating. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I found it started to get easier once the bleeding stopped, life started to go back to normal. Still lots of ups and downs but time can be a great healer.

Are you going to have some counselling? The specially trained counsellors can be really helpful as they understand so well all the different emotions, in my experience friends and family didnt know what to say.

I am sorry you are going through this and I wish you all the best. Do find some counselling if you can and find a way to express your feelings and have them recognised. Life throws a lot at us and sometimes we have to make difficult decisions, recognise them for what they are, sit with the feelings they bring and work out a way to accept our path and find happiness. Not always easy but it is a path that others have walked and found their way through. Be gentle and kind to yourself and allow yourself time to recover. You have made the best decision you could have made even though it was not an easy one.

Thank you everyone for your advice, it's been a tough week, I've gone from desperately hoping the abortion didn't work and crazy googling examples of that to thinking how I'd feel if that were actually true. I'm coming to terms with it now, I think my husband has been quite shocked at how devastated I've been, I think he thought once I did it I would be relieved but I'm not really. Just need to focus on why I did it and accept there is no going back now. My 2 boys keep me busy and it has helped knowing others have been in a similar position.

@Dusty2 sending you . I don’t know if this helps but it is my understanding is that is a perfectly normal hormonal reaction and that in a month you will know how you really feel. Your two boys will get you through it, just keep remembering the love you have for them and why you did it. Hang in there. Start thinking about the future, maybe some fun days with the kids, holidays etc. X

@Dusty2 you'll get through this - try and find joy in the little things, in your 2 boys, make sure you get lots and lots of cuddles with them.

Best of luck to you

I’m sorry you’ve had to make such a difficult decision, OP. I think you’ve made the correct decision with your head, but your heart takes a little longer to agree.
The heart looks at it through rose tinted, emotional glasses- ooh, a new baby, how lovely, goo goo.
But the reality wouldn’t have been like that, would it. Reality would be three DC crammed into one bedroom, two babies screaming at once, endless nappy changes, tight finances, sleepless nights, arguing with DH about why you didn’t do the sensible thing and have the termination, juggling child care and school pick ups, and all while you’re in your 40’s and dog tired. It would have been a cramped nightmare for all of you, you included.
Be at peace with yourself. You’ve done the sensible thing for you and your existing DC. Take some time to heal and come to terms with it. I’m sure you’ll feel calmer and more on an even keel as the hormone levels settle and you resume your normal life. Take care of yourself.