Who gets to decide?

[NameChangeForThis18]

Hi all.
I’ve name changed for this.

My husband and I have 2 children aged 10 and 4. One of each gender. We’ve always said due to financial, practical and medical reasons (previous pre eclampsia and 2 c sections) that we wouldn’t have any more children as we know our limits. But had said if contraception failed for whatever reason then we’d have a discussion but would probably keep the baby dependant on circumstances.

Fairly recently I’ve been told I cannot take hormonal birth control so we’ve been using condoms which in the past have been fine.

Until now.

Last week I had a positive pregnancy test. Lots of shouting etc. He thinks I should terminate, I want to keep.

How on earth do we make this choice? Who’s opinion, in the end, matters more? I’ve always said if a man doesn’t want to be a father then the woman shouldn’t force him but this feels so different now.

How do I decide?

Thankyou x

Only you can make the final call but it is hard - this happened to us and I did abort, our family was complete at two and I couldn't imagine coping with 3. Dh went for a little op straight after. Whilst people are saying only the woman chooses, it does need to be joint, two people created the problem!

That’s exactly it. I’d feel guilty “making” him be a father for the third time when he doesn’t want to be, and when we said we don’t want more children. BUT the alternative for me is so tough also x

I think most people want to include their partners thoughts and feelings in the decision making process BUT when you both have views at opposite ends then ultimately it's the woman's choice.

I REALLY get the finances aspect. I really do. This for us was our sticking point. We're going to have 2 sharing and our finances will very cut to the bone until our circumstances change - but we HAVE to make it happen. We CAN make it happen. We WILL make it happen. DH is working on a small promotion and I've trained to become a childminder as I love being around children/helping them learn and it seems like a workable solution. Even if it doesn't work out I'll find something decent locally, I have lots of skills. I had a realisation a couple of years ago when on mat leave with my youngest....I realised that I couldn't go back to my job (bullying from management) and that I didn't know what the future would hold but I'd make it work. I resigned with no job to go to (so unlike me) and found a PT WFH role which I have done since. Made me realise that I have the control over my future and that everything is fluid. Finances can change in the blink of an eye.

“Whilst people are saying only the woman chooses, it does need to be joint, two people created the problem!”

Only one person is pregnant. Only one person has to get an abortion or carry and birth a baby.

HTH

All the points made are so valid. I’ve got a very long and hard discussion to have with my husband and an incredibly difficult choice to make no matter which way we turn. Why is being an adult so shit

It absolutely 100% is your choice and yours alone. Your DHs opportunities for choice were when he chose not to have a vasectomy and when he chose to have sex using condom alone as the only method of protection. (Condoms are 99.9% effective if used 100% correctly with no mistakes. The "real world" effective rate - given that people fumbling around in the dark whilst massively horny do sometimes make mistakes - is actually much lower). His choices are over and done with, he's a grownup that has no excuse not to know that every time he ejaculates in the vicinity of a female there's a chance of a baby being the result. And the only loving and non-sexist response from him now you are pregnant is for him to agree that it is your choice and he will support you either way. Pressurising you either way is unacceptable.

Nobody who does not honestly feel that for herself at this time an abortion is the best choice should ever have one. Obviously lots of women feel they don't "want" an abortion but that's the least bad thing.

Everyone's circumstances are different but I will say two things that may help. One - don't factor in what your decision may or may not do to your relationship with DH as part of your choice. Honestly, while the future health of your relationship is important, making a decision like this where any factor of your reasoning is "it might hurt our relationship if I don't" - that actively poisons the relationship and makes its ultimate breakdown more likely. Make the right choice for you, and then you know it was freely made. Two - I grew up as a middle child of three at a time when my parents couldn't quite afford a third child as such. So yeah we had crappy holidays and couldn't join in with the overseas trips offered at school, and generally had less nice stuff than our peers. We were all so happy. Being richer does not increase a family's happiness. Less money does not make a childhood less happy.

It's not about what DH wants. It's not a financial decision. It's about what you personally want to happen with your body. Pregnancy is risky. Abortion is too obviously. There's no painless choice so make sure that the pain you choose is the one that is right for you.

Thanks again all for your messages and insight into this.

We’ve sat down a few times and actually acted like fairly reasonable adults.

It turns out his fear is based on some potentially pretty serious financial issues. He’s facing potential redundancy which he hadn’t discussed with me until now. He’s worried we would have to sell the house if that happened (he’s the main wage earner on 45k and I’m only part time on 9k so my wage wouldn’t even cover our mortgage let alone any other bills or expenses) and that a third child would impact us so negatively in terms of finances.

But he’s said it is ultimately up to me. He’s not pressuring me but has just voiced his opinion that he feels abortion would be better for us. But fully understands why I wouldn’t want to do that.

I think I’m going to see if I can see the pregnancy consultant and have her go through all my notes and see what she says in regard to my health and this pregnancy. I’m a bit worried it could be quite risky having had fairly problematic pregnancies before and almost needing a hysterectomy last time does frighten me. I guess though if it was truly risky for me to get pregnant again then they would have sterilised me x

Why didn’t he tell you about the redundancy risk before?

And why doesn’t he want a vasectomy?

Because he was hiding it until he know more and whether he was definitely at risk. Now it’s hit the local press (as it’s a rather large employer in our vinicity). And he’s only told me out of nescesity I guess.

And as for the vasectomy, who knows?! He just said he feels too young for that and it’s too final. Which in my mind is unfair but I guess just like abortion is my choice then vasectomy is his choice also x

He just said he feels too young for that and it’s too final. Which in my mind is unfair but I guess just like abortion is my choice then vasectomy is his choice also x

It absolutely is his choice. But that's a choice to be open to fathering further children.

Glad you had a good talk. Good luck with your Dr's appointments.

Husband attitude stinks. He doesn’t want another child with you - even though you are already pregnant - but he doesn’t want to rule out the possibility of a hypothetical future child with another woman?!

I’d be angry about that.

Seriously, don’t have a termination for anyone else. I did under parental pressure as a teenager, and 15 years later I’m not over it despite having 3 more dcs. If you don’t want a termination, don’t have one. Your family will adapt.

My partner didn’t want our 3rd baby- was a total accident - I’d been using ‘natural cycles’ birth control app (nb don’t use this!!) which claimed to be 98% reliable...

Anyway, he want me to terminate. I had promised myself I would never do this again. My partner was very worried about having 3 and resented me during the pregnancy, it was not a happy time and I considered leaving him. However as soon as the baby was born he changed, and now can’t imagine life without him.
You have children - you know what’s involved and you know it’s not easy but worth it. You were using protection- it failed. Your dh’s Reasons for not having a vasectomy are pretty poor tbh.

Also, I work in maternity care and they would have discussed sterilisation with you if further babies presented a significant risk. You would be under close eye this time and should be seen by a consultant soon after booking with the mw.

He shouldn’t hide news like that from you. He was on a good salary - does that not mean he’s likely to be able to get another job? He will get redundancy money too.

It is indeed the choice of the pregnant person. who also did not.want a baby, did not (could not) get sterilised and knew the risks.

None of the difficulties foreseen are short term, they are for the next 18 years or more. If a miscarriage would be a relief, is this child wanted? that is all that matters?

I wish you the best in whatever you.decide.

I am in exactly the same position and it is horrendous. No advice to offer but just letting you know that you aren't alone. I have my dating scan today.

How did you go mrsgumpy?

Thanks for asking. Dating scan says I am about 8 weeks now. DH and I have counselling this week. I feel exhausted and nauseous. I really can't face another child (and my husband doesn't want one) but I can't face a termination. It is horrendous.

Hi all.
Just thought I’d give a little update thought there isn’t much to say.

Still no closer to making a descision unfortunately as I’m still not 100% either way. One minute I want to keep it and nothing will change my mind, the next I’m leaning to agreeing with my husband and that it would be such a stretch financially that it wouldn’t be fair on the two we have and agreeing that we should put the two we have above a potential child.

All that said I’ve an appointment next week with our obstetrics consultant. Think they rushed it through when I told them that I was considering terminating based on this appointment.

I just want to be sure either way you know. I’m throwing up daily and I’m having to try and hide this at work because I wouldn’t want them to know just incase I do terminate. Though there has been some whispering behind my back and I can tell they are talking about me as they go quiet when I walk in the room. And someone made a “joke” when I offered to be designated driver on a night out this weekend. “I’m not drinking, I’m driving” then the reply “you’re not knocked up are you” ha fucking ha.

I’m still so conflicted but as of this moment I’m leaning towards terminate. But I bet tomorrow I’ll be thinking different.

You’ve all been lovely though. Never thought I’d find such comfort on a forum of strangers

Don't have an abortion if you don't 100% want one. It's a huge thing for your mental health to cope with.

Even if your husband loses his job, he should be eligible for redundancy pay and be able to find a new one.

As a compromise, would you ask the surgeon to sterilize you at the same time as your c section? Otherwise thus could happen again.

I am so sorry you’re going through this. We went through a similar situation - although my two were younger (1 & 3) and a 3rd child had always been on the table. DH thought it was the wrong thing - for lots of sensible, practical reasons. We did terminate. It had an incredibly negative impact on my mental health and our marriage - I was completely overwhelmed with grief and very bitter and angry towards him. It very nearly ended our marriage. We had a lot of counselling (and 3 years later are expecting a 3rd DC). I know your situation is different but the one thing I’d advise is taking your time and getting professional counselling and support - both individually and as a couple - before making a decision.

Hi.

I just wanted to update you lovely lot who had been so supportive.

I was still undecided about keeping this baby a few weeks ago but was starting to agree with my husband about a termination purely for the impact on our existent children and the fact that the financial burden of children never goes away. I went for initial appointment at my local termination clinic last week just to chat about things, kind of like a counselling appointment and whilst there I had a dating scan. I am already 22 weeks along. So the irony is I conceived whilst still taking the pill. And that is too far along for me to consider termination.

My heart already feels lighter now the choice has been taken away from me. My husband just said “well that’s that then” and has said he will start a savings account for nursery fees.

I have also made the descision to ask them to sterilise me during my c section (automatically have to have one around here after 2 already).

Thanks again for all your lovely support x

That's lovely news OP.Congratulations and I wish you and your family all the best :)

Congratulations. It's meant to be. Lovely news.

I just wanted to come back and update everyone who was so lovely last year.

I had a c section at the begining of this week and now have a second beautiful girl who weighed 8lbs. I was sterilised at the same time so this cannot happen again.

As I predicted, husband is head over heels in love with her