Pregnant a few weeks into a relationship and struggling a lot

[SJC89]

Hi all,

I think I’ve probably read every post on this topic, but I could really use someone to talk to who isn’t biased.

In short, I’ve been with my (I think now ex) boyfriend for 7 whole weeks today. I’m 28 and he’s 30. And I found out on Monday I was 4 weeks + 4 pregnant. Feel a bit daft saying it was a shock as I had unprotected sex, but I was being naive & thinking it would be ok just a couple of times before I got the docs appt to go back on the pill. OH and I never had any conversations about contraception. Again, stupid I know.

So I tried to tell him as delicately as I could on Monday by arranging to see him this week so I could tell him F2F but he was being difficult so in the end I called him up and just blurted it out. He was really sweet and kept telling me it wasn’t my fault, but that his gut instinct was that he isn’t ready to have a child. I’d just felt sick all day about telling him, and hadn’t really thought about what I wanted.

I went to the docs the next day to confirm I was pregnant and what my options were - ironically, I had to repurpose an appointment I had already booked to get the pill! He came round that night and his whole demeanour had changed. He was cold and asked me how the docs was. I explained what happened and said the doctor didn’t want to give me a letter for the termination as she didn’t think I was completely sure and she wanted to make sure I was doing what was best for me (she did give me the number for BPAS and wasn’t judgemental in any way - although she was pregnant which was tough). I think hearing that made him mad as he said rather abruptly (about 10 mins after being at mine) that if I chose not to have an abortion then he didn’t want anything to do with me or the baby. I didn’t expect him to propose to me or anything, but it genuinely shocked me to my core hearing those words. I told him how selfish he was being and cried a lot. I had planned to tell him that whilst I wasn’t sure what I wanted (I don’t want a baby with someone I’ve known for 7 weeks, but equally I am pretty sure I cannot face a termination), I was going to reassure him that whatever I did choose that I would have no expectations of him and that I didn’t want him to feel cornered. However I didn’t even get a chance to tell him that & frankly I was thrown by how callous he was.

So now it’s 3.5 days since I found out and I’ve made an appointment at BPAS for a consultation next week. I have cried about 362926 times. I would be the best mother, I just know it. However, whilst I’m not in the worst financial situation, I don’t think I could support a baby (especially as i’d be alone and likely have to drop down to part-time hours when I return to work). I also own a one bed flat so I’d need to move which would make money even tighter. OH (or perhaps ex-OH ... haven’t heard from him for 2 days) has a well-paid job but I’d feel awful going after him for money after being together for 7 weeks and having his baby against his wishes. I don’t have any family in a London who could help out, and I’m petrified of being a single struggling mum :(

Lastly the thought of terminating this pregnancy honestly kills me. I’ve read so many posts and articles about what to expect and I’ve already given the clinic the heads up that if I were to proceed then I’d need a surgical under GE as I know I couldn’t emotionally cope with the medical.

I am so scared of making the wrong decision. I am so scared of raising a child alone. I am so scared of being lonely and seeking into depression (been there a couple of times previously, but I’ve come out stronger).

Please can someone tell me if they’ve been there and come out the other end? I genuinely want to hear your stories about terminating and not terminating, what you regretted, what you didn’t, did your OH react this way at first and then step up?

Thanks in advance :(

Oh lovely, I have been in your shoes and My heart goes out to you.

I had a fling with my best friend and I ended up pregnant. He was initially very supportive and said he would support my decision no matter what. He then went into full on denial and ignored me for about 6 months. For me there was no question about having a termination as I was 30, didn’t actually think I could get pregnant and knew I just couldn’t face it.

Being pregnant and alone was hard, I felt so ashamed - and I wish I could go back and talk to myself now as god I had no reason to be. I moved to a 2 bed place - deeply ironic given DS is now 5 and still rarely uses his room! Def don’t worry about moving just yet, you have literally 18 months - 2 years to worry about this I would say!

Ds dad didn’t tell anyone we had a child and moved back home to another country. I was incredibly hurt by him (we had been best mates) but tried not to put pressure on him etc in case I scared him off further. It actually all came to a head when I lost the plot, shouted at him and told him he was missing out on the most amazing little boy and was an utter disgrace. He started visiting once a month and paying maintenance.

It WAS hard, but mostly I put added pressure on myself because I felt judged by others. Ds is now 5 and amazing. He’s at private school (funded by his dads maintenance) and I work part time. I had every intention of going back full time, but when it came to it I just didn’t want to leave him.

Because this situation has always been normal for him, he rarely asks questions - certainly not in the way you are worrying about. When he asks why daddy doesn’t see him very often, I say it’s because daddy works and lives in another country. He doesn’t see anything strange in it, and doesn’t feel he is missing out, as for him this is normal and there is no angst about it.

There are moments where it was back breakingly hard, but I genuinely wouldn’t change a thing. If you want to do this, you will be amazing. You CAN do this, and do a good job. It will change your life, and there is no going back, but it Will all be okay in the end.

Good luck with whatever you decide

I can't thank you all enough. It's so helpful reading through all of this.

Sundance I think I can imagine how you felt but you don't deserve to feel that way :( it's what i am most afraid of - being strong enough to go through with it, but feeling traumatised after.

AnnaT45 My mum lives in Ireland and certainly wouldn't want me and a baby there (equally, i wouldn't want to be there). Her and my stepdad are having a rough time too, so i don't think i would even if i could. I don't have any other family that I could really turn to - i moved out of home when i was 16 so i am fiercely independent, and think i'd struggle living with family anyway.

Jugoo28 I think you may be right re the shock (explained below). I think i want to look at the scan though - i figure that if i am going to do this, then it has to be with my eyes wide open. I am doing other stupid things such as looking at how big it is / which bits are developing etc. The opposite of burying my head in the sand basically!

DueNov A massive congratulations to you! If i am honest with myself, this is what I am really hoping will happen to me. And if we can't make our relationship work (because let's face it, we hardly know each other) then i'd hope we could be mature enough to co-parent. I am far too sensible to pin my decision on this dream though!

Ploppymoodypants that is truly a nightmare and i feel for your friend so much - that story actually angers me :( i don't think that would happen to me though. If i go through with the pregnancy and he does step up then he has a great job / house / car etc. So thankfully I wouldn't have unsafe conditions / drugs / etc. to worry about!

Ninjakittysmells I think i'd be so much like you. I really do have the strength to do this on my own, but without wanting a pity party for myself I have struggled for everything i have in life and i'm so tired of it. I have managed to get myself to a position where i am comfortable (stupidly no savings in the bank though!!!), and the thought of starting out as a new mum having to struggle once again pains me. I think i am just having a moment though!

So a few things have happened this weekend, which have calmed me down somewhat and resulted in the best sleep i've had since the test. So after the "I will support you with anything clinic related" comment on Fri, i spent about 4 hours yesterday pouring my heart and soul into the longest message I've ever written in my life (I wish it could have been a F2F convo, but it was really therapeutic writing down all my thoughts to him completely uninterrupted and without any cold glares from him). I was as level-headed as I could be, and explained as best I could where my head is at and why I feel the way I do (both why i want the baby, and why i don't) - I also let him know what I think of his behaviour in a really controlled manner. He responded immediately and apologised, asking if he could call me in the eve (he had some last minute work to do in the day). So, he called and reiterated the apology. He acknowledged that he was burying his head in the sand, and that he hadn't been thinking of me or what I wanted in this situation - he promised he would be more supportive, asked how we can come to the decision together, and also asked if he could come to my BPAS consultation on Friday. I am naturally sceptical of him now, and i can see manipulation a mile off so i won't let him to do that to me - but I am going to give him the chance to step up and support me (and in turn, i'll course do the same for him).

I can understand why he's being the way he is. This has been such a shock for me, but i can feel my body getting ready for this pregnancy (my boobs must have grown half a cup size, if not more, already - and i've had cramps / nausea) so it feels pretty real. He's just had me to tell him, and that's all - Friday will be a test for the two of us.

I have been off work this week - it was pre-planned annual leave, but couldn't have been timed as I am not sure how i would stopped myself from sobbing at my desk this past week! This has meant I haven't been able to sit down and properly look at my finances (e.g.., i don't know what maternity pay i'd get without access to the system at work, which i haven't been able to do etc.). I did go to an area in London where I could afford a two bed if i stretched myself - i know i wouldn't necessarily need this immediately, but i would need to try to do it whilst i'm on a full wage with no dependents so i can get a bigger mortgage; if i went back part-time, the bank wouldn't lend me enough and i'm terrified of being stuck in a one-bed place for 5+ years if i don't move now (especially with the stupid London property prices!).

Basically I am spending a lot of time thinking about having the baby this weekend, which scares me. More thinking about the other scenario tonight i think...

Thanks all once again - this really is a massive help :)

Lots of good advice here. Please don't feel bad about requesting or even demanding money - you did not get yourself pregnant. This is his responsibility too, whether he wants it to be or not.

Just wanted to say hope you’re doing ok OP.