Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To terminate late in pregnancy or not, please help

54 replies

WhatAMess123 · 12/09/2017 10:13

Hi,

Really need some unbiased opinions. Apologise in advance if I offend anyone.

I am 18 weeks pregnant, split with the dad who has a new partner and wants nothing to do with thme baby and is ignoring us. I work part time and have one DC already.

I think I decided to keep the baby without thinking, as i get further along I feel so panicked especially as know how hard babies can be, never mind doing it totally alone.

I feel totally overwhelmed and if I'm honest think I went ahead because it's his. Now as time goes by and I realise he really will never be involved, I think I've made a huge mistake. I feel heartbroken by him but know in time this will pass, but a baby is a constant reminder of him. But then I think when baby comes, will I even care about him and will I be so busy looking after baby he won't matter.

Also me and my DC have a lovely, happy quiet life just us two and I feel so sad it won't be like that much longer.

I know I sound a selfish monster and can't believe I've gotten this far in the pregnancy. I know it's even worse it all centres around this man, I'm so weak and rubbish but just don't know what to do. If I could I'd run away.

Any advice would be so welcome or even a flaming which I deserve totally.

OP posts:

AnneBiscuit · 12/09/2017 10:26

Oh love no flaming from me. . Hopefully someone with more experience will come along soon.

BertramTheWalrus · 12/09/2017 10:30

Do you have any support in real life? Anyone you could talk to now, and anyone who could help with the baby?

ChickenBhuna · 12/09/2017 10:31

Firstly , you are not weak and rubbish.

Secondly this is your decision, if you decide to terminate that's okay , if you continue with your pregnancy you will cope and be an amazing parent.

Terminating late is very different from earlier op so please , before you make any firm decisions seek some advice about procedures.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/09/2017 10:31

I can't help really with advice And I can't say what you should do.

But I will say that you don't deserve a flaming and it's ok to make whatever decision you do. You dont have to justify it to anyone and please do what YOU feel is best for YOU and your other DC. Do not do something out of fear of what others will think.

ballestief · 12/09/2017 10:32

It's perfectly fine to make that decision now. You do need to move quickly at this point though.

PandorasXbox · 12/09/2017 10:33

Can you seek some counselling quickly? Maybe see your midwife/GP.

It's a huge decision whichever way you go.

IfYouHappenToSee · 12/09/2017 10:34

You are not a selfish monster.

You are considering a difficult situation from all angles.

The important thing is that you make the decision that is right for you and your child, whatever that is, rather than the one that is right for other people (IRL or on here).

You don't deserve a flaming at all

MamaOfTwos · 12/09/2017 10:37

Could you perhaps consider carrying and adoption? A termination at this stage could be incredibly traumatic physically and mentally, could you take comfort knowing your child was with a family who longed for them?

theconstantinoplegardener · 12/09/2017 10:39

What a difficult dilemma for you. Remember that your choices are not just to keep the baby or have an abortion. There is also the possibility of having the baby adopted straight after birth. Good luck OP, I hope you can find a solution that you're happy with.

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 12/09/2017 10:40

No flaming here you have to do what is best for you, and there is no shame in either choice.

ASDismynormality · 12/09/2017 10:44

How do you feel you could cope with going through labour to deliver the baby? It's something you reallly need to consider as it will be very difficult.
Would you give the baby away for adoption if you don't won't to keep or have a termination?

JemandScout · 12/09/2017 10:50

Tbh OP, you risk having opinions you may not need to hear by posting here. Your best path would be to have counselling. Nobody can say it's the right or wrong decision as they are not you. for you as you must be feeling awful right now.

Tilapia · 12/09/2017 10:53

No flaming here, you have to do what is best for you, and there is no shame in either choice

This. Good luck OP.

IHaveBrilloHair · 12/09/2017 10:53

You do not have to go through labour and deliver to have a termination now, or up to 24 weeks.
Just to clear that up.
I suggest counselling to make sure you reach the right decision for you.

EternalOptimistToo · 12/09/2017 10:55

I second or third counselling ASAP.
Yes u need to really talk about it and I suspect that MN might not be the right place for it.
Both because of the more unusual situation and because it's likely to lead to very strong opinions.

Whatever you decide, it will be a hard decision though

TatterdemalionAspie · 12/09/2017 10:56

Are you aware that will have to go through labour to deliver this baby/foetus, whether you have a termination or not? I've been with someone labouring at that gestation, and it was pretty full-on. I wouldn't underestimate the effect that may have on your wellbeing/mental health.

As others have suggested, would you consider adoption if you don't wish to keep the child?

valeinoyikbuno · 12/09/2017 10:56

No flaming here either, this has to be completely your decision and whatever you choose you will probably have regrets. There is no pain-free path.

I think you need some proper councelling face to face - not just anonymous Internet users like us.

Forgive me, this isn't meant as an insult but you don't sound very mature, how old are you? I was in a similar situation myself aged 24 and looking back I see my 24 year old self as really still very childish in my thinking.

Sonething that strikes me from your op: you are right that thinking of this potential new baby in terms of what your ex means to you is unhealthy. If this child is born he or she will be a human being in their own right, not a cypher for a specific relationship. A baby is not a "constant reminder of him". He or she is a person, who will be their own selves and will be happy and loving and a joy to their families if they are loved.

As a side issue and applies equally whichever path you choose: I am worried by you describing your existing life with DC as not wanting it to change because it is good to have just the two of you. There is no such thing as keeping a status-quo with a DC. It is always going to change and that attitude of not wanting to change it will be unhealthy for your DC. Picture yourself in 20 years time - will you be (actively or silently) discouraging DC from going out and making his/her life out in the world because mum is going to be lonely? Only children of a single parent can suffer harm from being effectively expected to be a surrogate partner with that kind of attitude.

So as I said, some councelling from someone with a few decades more of life experience seems to me to be what you need. You need to be careful as a lot of councellors are either enthusiastically pro-life and will seek to disused you, or if they aren't will be starting from the assumption that if you are seeking councelling then you are probably really seeking help to give yourself permission and forgiveness for seeking abortion - it is very difficult to find a councellor who is genuinely neutral and will help you decide. Can you give and indication of where in the country you are so that we can help you find the help you need?

ballestief · 12/09/2017 10:56

You do not have to go through labour and deliver to have a termination now, or up to 24 weeks

sorry but post 20 weeks you really might. It's not as straightforward as you make out.

JackietheBackie · 12/09/2017 10:57

No flaming here. You are in a really difficult position, but this a decision that only you can make. Please speak to a specialist at your local BPAS or Marie Stopes to get some counselling to help you make that choice. Best of luck - whatever you decide, you will be ok.

highinthesky · 12/09/2017 10:58

and hugs. Advice as above: and also, don't doubt yourself.

The break-up is still raw, but as you have alluded to, it's possible to move on from the biggest arsehole in the world with time.

sentenceinterrupted · 12/09/2017 10:59

I would probably have chosen differently once, but now would massively regret having a late termination... (I suspect regret is not a strong enough word). It's your body though.

If you were my friend/daughter I'd very strongly recommend adoption at this point if you didn't want the baby.

Please find one of the non biased counselling services to help you sort out what works for you?

TatterdemalionAspie · 12/09/2017 11:00

Ihavebrillo do you not? What's the alternative?

Sorry if I've given misinformation.

Soubriquet · 12/09/2017 11:00

You need to really think about what you want. Speak to a midwife if you have to.

If you decide to terminate you need to do it asap.

Whatever you choose to do, it's your decision

IHaveBrilloHair · 12/09/2017 11:01

You do not have to go through labour upto 24 weeks, I am 100% certain, this is not about me, but that is a fact and I know because I've done it.
All the best OP (bowing out now but feel free to pm me)

BishopBrennansArse · 12/09/2017 11:02

I suggest you look into what it will involve at this stage before you make a decision. Whatever you decide the sooner the better, really.

Flip

1 2 3