To terminate late in pregnancy or not, please help

[WhatAMess123]

Hi,

Really need some unbiased opinions. Apologise in advance if I offend anyone.

I am 18 weeks pregnant, split with the dad who has a new partner and wants nothing to do with thme baby and is ignoring us. I work part time and have one DC already.

I think I decided to keep the baby without thinking, as i get further along I feel so panicked especially as know how hard babies can be, never mind doing it totally alone.

I feel totally overwhelmed and if I'm honest think I went ahead because it's his. Now as time goes by and I realise he really will never be involved, I think I've made a huge mistake. I feel heartbroken by him but know in time this will pass, but a baby is a constant reminder of him. But then I think when baby comes, will I even care about him and will I be so busy looking after baby he won't matter.

Also me and my DC have a lovely, happy quiet life just us two and I feel so sad it won't be like that much longer.

I know I sound a selfish monster and can't believe I've gotten this far in the pregnancy. I know it's even worse it all centres around this man, I'm so weak and rubbish but just don't know what to do. If I could I'd run away.

Any advice would be so welcome or even a flaming which I deserve totally.

OP, you need to think about yourself and your current dc. No flaming from me. I think you should report your post to MNHQ and have it moved to the Pregnancy Choices forum - you may get better, objective support there.

You aren't weak, or rubbish and nor are you a selfish monster. Please get independent counselling urgently, as others have said, and be careful to choose a reputable counselling service, some pro life groups sadly dress themselves up as such yet do not give the balanced, non judgemental advice you need. The right decision is the one that's right for you, forget anyone else's opinion. Deep breath, unfortunately you can't run away from this but you can do what's best for you, whatever that ends up being. Take care.

Brillo, please do not give out advice like that based on your own experience. I have supported women through terminations post 20 weeks that HAVE had to go through a form of labour.
It differs based on many things, and it's not ok to give out blanket advice like that.

I have no advice but to you and I applaud the none flaming of you by other MNetters

valeinoyikbuno great job of not flaming the OP.

OP you have to do what you feel is right for YOU.

You have to be fine with the fact that your ex will play no part in this child's life; to be honest I don't think the child (after a while) will not be a "constant reminder" of him anyway, you'll have your hands full and no time to dwell on things!

Get some expert advice from midwives, counsellers etc and massive amounts of luck

Every woman has the right to make the right decision for her. Whatever you choose there is no judgement.

I'm absolutely pro-choice, I've had an abortion myself, never regretted it. There are many circumstances in which abortion is the right decision. Having said that, 18 weeks is quite far along, it's very different from an early abortion. There's a danger that you could regret the choice afterwards and be deeply emotionally impacted.

I totally understand your panic, given your situation. A friend of mine had a panic at a similar period, despite being in a stable relationship - as she had never intended to have children. She had major counselling and support and was put on ADs.

So I'd suggest the first step is to access all the support you can, see your GP asap and ask for urgent referral to pre-natal counselling. Reach out to family and friends for support if you can and talk it through with them.

OP. Your thread reads like you're more worried about being able to care for another child whilst not detracting attention from the first. This is a completely common worry most of us have felt when pregnant for the second time. Also, would you be considering abortion if you had the support from a partner?!

You should talk to a professional on the pronto. At 18wks, you are fully aware the baby is formed and active, as previous posters have mentioned. Would you consider adoption? A termination at that stage will be traumatic. It only takes a quick google to find out how it's done. Don't want to make you feel bad, but it's not pretty, you need to factor in potential mental health issues that may present themselves should you choose that path.

Definitely agree with PP's in regards to seeking some counselling. Make sure you look at all options OP.

Like some PP's have said, do you think you would consider adoption?

What real life support do you have?

You don't have to suffer alone x

I was in a very similar situation as you OP and really considered terminating. I chose to continue my pregnancy and everything worked out ok in the end but I can't say that is how it will work for you. Just wanted you to know you are not alone in having these doubts.

I wish you luck with whatever choice you make but please do make sure you have full information on all your options.

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the kindness when it's such a horrible topic.

I do have my nanna who supports me either way.

Whole thing is a mess and I feel so bad it has got this far.

It's almost like I don't want a termination but I don't want to be pregnant either I wish I could just wake up not pregnant, and then I feel bad for thinking that when there are lots of people who would be thrilled to be in this position.

If I could hide somewhere until I gave birth then I would have the baby adopted but I don't think I can cope with pregnancy and birth and telling people I've given the baby away. My worry is I terminate then regret it and think I could have coped. So do I go ahead feeling like this and just pray my maternal instinct kicks in when he/she is here. I think I would love the baby when it came but I worry I won't bond with it. By this stage of pregnancy I adored my first baby already and she is so special I can't imagine loving anyone else the way I love her. But I don't think I will never let her go when she's an adult valeinoyikbuno. I don't think of her as my surrogate partner. I just meant we are very close and I love being able to spend lots of time with her and spoil her to an extent. But I will of course encourage her to pursue all her hopes and dreams whatever they may be and be an independent adult.

I've booked a consultation for Friday with bpas.

I just wish I could accept having the baby and somehow feel positive about it. I want to disappear

A long time ago I terminated a child late on..I was young and to be honest had no clue about what I was doing-the whole process was not something I could go ahead and do now..
However at the time it was the right thing to do and even now I still believe that.
You have to do what is right for you and your little family.

First - whatever anyone else would think or say about an adoption is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is what you think, how you feel.

Second, it's very, very common for women to fear they can't cope with a second child, irrespective of their situation, and also to fear they won't love the second as much. So you may have been feeling that even if your relationship had continued.

Dsis had a termination at 19 weeks and it was really traumatic for her and SM who supported her. She did have to labour and pass the fetus though she was offered no alternatives.
You have to do what's right for you, dsis now thinks that whilst it was right not to have the baby with hindsight she thinks she should have carried the baby to term and had her adopted.
Please get some counselling though so that you can make an informed choice that you won't regret in hindsight.

BPAS are really good, that's who I went to.

Personally I wouldn't terminate but thankfully I haven't been in your situation so it's easy to say as an outsider.

See how you feel after you've spoken to a professional...

What happens if you get back with your ex?
You shouldn't base your decision on that at this late stage...

Good luck with whatever path you go down...

Firstly, . What a very difficult and scary time for you. I can really empathise with that feeling of wishing your difficult situation would just disappear. Well done for booking a consultation on Friday.

I agree with the last poster who said it is very common to fear that you won't cope with another child (first, second or subsequent!).

But in the end what is most important is how you feel about the situation. I hope the consultation will help you to feel clearer about that and support you to make a good decision for you. Not the right decision - there is no right or wrong even for any given individual - as no-one can know how anything will turn out. I guess you are just looking for a decision that you can accept/live with.

Please don't feel you are weak or rubbish. Try to be kind and patient with yourself. I hope your Nan can do this too. Difficult things happen to us all and it sounds like you are doing your very best to think things through before you make a decision. You deserve lots of support to help you through this very difficult time xx

Talk it over IRL with someone neutral or a family member (e.g. your nanna) you can trust. There's not a lot of time before you have to make a decision, but enough that you could get proper counselling. BPAS are not neutral.

Remember that every pregnancy is different. Even with the (non-existent) perfect set up, it's perfectly normal to feel differently at different stages in pregnancy and to bond differently with each baby. Just because you had a particular experience with DC1 doesn't mean you would love DC2 any more or less, but it would be different because it always is.

As PP have said, everyone thinks they can't cope with being a mother in various circumstances. Apart from anything else you've got a whole load of hormonal craziness messing with your emotions. That's completely natural and not necessarily tied to your ex. You really need a proper counsellor to help you to untangle what are standard fears and concerns and what are things you really genuinely wouldn't be able to cope with, and to listen to both your emotional and practical worries.

Hi all,

We're going to send this over to pregnancy choices now, we'd like the OP to get the best possible advice and don't think chat is right for this.

OP, hope this is okay.

Oh love, you poor thing. Please do get yourself some counselling asap so that you can make a considered decision without being right up against the deadline. Talk to BPAS or Marie Stopes today - they can talk you through options and timescales.

I'm not going to tell you what you should do. But - as someone who has had an abortion, worked in abortion services and is also an adoptive mother - I just want to comment on the assertion made by a couple of posters that adoption would be a less traumatic resolution than abortion at this stage. Please, please don't continue the pregnancy just because you think adoption would be easier for you or kinder to the baby. People are of course individuals and it is possible for anyone to tell you how you will cope with either late abortion or relinquishing a baby. But in terms of published evidence on the emotional consequences of (a) abortion and (b) relinquishing a child for adoption, there is no question that (b) is generally the harder. And not just for the mother.

Very best of luck to you xx

Ketzele are those figures for late abortions, or abortions in general? I don't doubt for a second that giving up a baby for adoption is very traumatic, but I think many/most late abortions are, too. Very different to an early medical/surgical.

I've had an early medical abortion. Hardest decision I've ever had to make, but I don't regret it and I'm not traumatised by it. An 18+ week termination would be an entirely different kettle of fish. I've seen babies of that gestation.

no you haven't. You may have seen foetuses.
Please don't turn this womans dilemma into a philosphical argument.

balles I'm really not trying to turn it into a philosophical debate. I said baby/foetus in my first post.

The foetuses I have seen were babies (and referred to as such) to their mothers. Hence my terminology.

Tatter it's been some years since I worked in the field, and I'm not up to date with the research evidence. Plus: the evidence on mothers who have relinquished children is dated, as very few children are relinquished for adoption now. The social context for both adoption and abortion is very different, and it would be extremely hard to construct a robust methodology for comparison.

Late abortion is of course more exacting, risky and traumatic than early abortion - speaking generally, but not always or for everyone. Nobody can tell an individual whether abortion or adoption will be more traumatic for her. But I made the statement based on a body of evidence on the psychological consequences of abortion which shows that, although abortion is sometimes a sad and difficult experience, it is relatively rarely psychologically damaging. Even late abortion is not as emotionally traumatic as most people assume it is - though, again, there are some individuals who find it very traumatic and nobody can assure the OP that it will be ok for her.

The literature on women who have relinquished babies (in the 50s, 60s and 70s) is much smaller and less robust, but paints a bleak picture of long-term emotional sequelae. Plus, there is the impact on the children. Although being adopted is often very positive for children overall, the loss of their first mother causes significant emotional distress for some, if not many.

As I say, I don't want to overclaim my expertise. I just know enough to know that people shouldn't say - as they often do - that relinquishing a child is somehow less traumatic or kinder than having a late abortion. It doesn't help OP work out what is right for her.