don't want to be pregnant with no. 4 aged 40 but not sure I can face TOP

[alix2525]

I'm really in need of advice from people.
I have recently turned 40, have 3 lovely children aged 8,6 and 4 and found out I was pregnant at beginning of Oct.

I'm in a real dilemma - the pregnancy was not planned and I think occurred after a nasty upset tummy thanks to 2 lots of antibiotics not agreeing with my pill.
Haven't slept properly in a month, am horribly emotional and crying all the time at home. Have wished for a miscarriage as awful as that sounds so the decision is taken away from me.
Husband is super supportive and saying he'll go along with whichever decision I make and therein lies the problem - I can't make a decision. He thinks we should go for it, because he thinks that emotionally I won't cope in the long run with having an abortion. I'm not sure - I think I'll be upset and feel guilty as hell and I probably wouldn't really get over it, but I think with time, I'd accept my reasons for doing it and try and forgive myself.

I have days where I think I could cope with 4 but then the next moment, I'm shouting at the kids when they are fighting and think that there's no way I could do this again. I feel so selfish but I'm starting to enjoy the freedom of moving on from babies and toddlers and enjoying doing more things as a family and I worry that another baby will upset the dynamic and reduce the time I have with the other 3. I'm also horribly worried that as I'm older my risks will be increased and I have a fear of something going wrong.
Have spoken to Marie Stopes - had counselling which really just confirmed all the thoughts in my heads. Have written my pros and cons - (mainly all cons) yet when I've attended for treatment, I've bottled out twice as I was so upset. I'm now reaching cut off for medical treatment and have a further appointment booked for Weds. I know it's then or never because I'm terrified at the thought of surgical treatment.
I'd appreciate any thoughts from anyone who may be able to advise or who has been through a similar situation one way or the other and what they did and how they feel about their decision in hindsight.

I can't see there is a right answer to this for me and it feels like I'll be making the decision that I regret least.
Sorry for long rambling post - just feel so desperate.

We have children of the same ages alix and I am 10 weeks pregnant with DC4. This pregnancy was planned but I have fretted over it since finding out generally felt totally terrified. I even said a few times to DH do you think we should do this, we are making a huge mistake and the rising panic has been hard to contain. The other 3 DC are becoming so independent, easy and life in general is fun and much more relaxed than it was when we had three under 5. We actually told our DC last week after an early scan, I felt we owed them an explanation as to why mum was so rubbish at the moment. They are over the moon and have managed to contain the secret to our shock.

However all that is easy for me to say, our DC4 was planned, I am 7 years younger than you and I am feeling the effects of pregnancy much more this time round, I find there is no time to think about what is happening so it must be so hard for you to clear your head with three DC needing your attention. Are you able to get off totally on your own to think things through?

for you

I have just had my 4th. My eldest is 10 years old and my youngest is 10 weeks. There are challenges and at times I am very tired but he completes our family. We feel very symmetrical!. 4 is hard work though...but this is life. We planned him after loosing an accidental pregnancy very eatly on. He is so lovely. He kind of looks like all the other three rolled into one. I never thought i would have 4 but now that i do i love it. I was terrified and overwelmed but you kind of just wing it and if one day nothing goes right you just laugh and move on. I have a friend who is nearly 42 and has just had her 3rd and she is ok too. But Op I really feel for you. I guess it boils down to your gut feeling? What can you live with? We kind of thought one more little one, we already have three What a one more? But one more is a 7 seater and a very snug house but life goes on! Good luck whatever you decide x

I'm not a great believer in doing what random anonymous people on the internet advise, but I think the roll of the dice suggestion is a good one. I've known since before I even did the test that I did not want this pregnancy (weird because I always thought I wanted more children). The reality is very different. The baby is not here yet, but I am already being advised to start taking Anti-depressants and I am still praying to a God I'm not sure I even believe in that the baby will 'disappear'. The mistakes I made with this pregnancy are telling people in the real world instead of going with my gut feeling. My pregnancy instincts are screaming loudly at me that this baby is not a good thing for my family or my life. My advice ~: roll that dice (I know which side I would have wanted it to fall), tell no-one in the real world, and if you know deep down that you do not want it, then accept that whichever way you go now you could end up with some mental health issues for the next few years. I was scared that a termination would stuff up my MH. Actually this pregnancy has made a very good job of that and as I say, I'm already being primed by all sorts of medical workers that there is worse to come. I have never had any issues with my mental health until this year. You might have to tell your partner - but personally telling my partner was one of the things that prevented me from doing it- he definitely did not want more children but told me that as I had always said I would like another, he would not want me to go ahead with a termination - he feared the consequences. He also felt I was asking him to make the decision. If you do tell your partner, make it very clear that you are not asking for a decision and that you are advising him of what you 100% want. The second big mistake I made was telling my mum. I always go to her when I have a problem in life, but after I had told her I just couldn't do it - she strongly believes it is murder at whatever stage and I couldn't inflict the blow on her. She has a lot of other things going on. I'm still hoping that when I see this LO in a couple of weeks time I will feel like I did with my first two, but hand on heart I just don't know that I will. When you are past the baby phase, you are past the baby phase. I do wish I had terminated.

How did your appointment go OP?