Adoption pain

[thispaininsideme]

I've name changed for this for obvious reasons. I wasn't sure the best board to post this on and decided on this one. I hope nobody minds even though it's not what most threads here are about.

11 years ago I had a daughter and she was born with Down's syndrome. I was completely devastated. She went into foster care and was adopted some time later.

I've not really coped since then. I just feel as I've found out I am a despicable person. Some old friends know but lots don't and people at work don't. I feel as if the people that do know must think I'm a hideous human being and the people that don't know would think that if they knew.

I'm so sorry to her for getting me as a mother, if I can be called that. Although she is well looked after and happy.

Is there anyone out there that has experienced anything similar or is it really just me that's so fucking hideous they would give their own child away because something was 'wrong'?

Meffhead, the adoptive parents do not want me to get involved now. They keep in touch with me as they believe it may be in her best interests to know her background. They're nice but they keep me at arms length and I totally understand why and respect that. She's their daughter now after all.

Pirate re my circumstances and age at the time, they're irrelevant as neither of them meant I was in a position I had to do this. I'm not being defensive when I say this but I wasn't 15 and homeless and it was a planned pregnancy so..

Thanks for the other responses. I'm going to duck out now, I wish I could remove this post. I'm feeling vulnerable and don't want anyone to recognise me.

I'm sorry thispainisimsideme Please come back and talk about it if that's what you need to do.
I had a huge scare with ds2 when I was tested and his risk for downs was very high. At the time I was going through a really difficult time as my DP was extremely ill (admitted into hospital on the same day I found out about DS). Nobody's life is plain sailing and I'm sure you had very good reasons to make the choice you did. I agree with other posters who have reminded you of the very high rate of termination for children with downs. My DP has a disability and his mother told him had she known she'd have aborted him! That disability would've brought us immense challenges as DP felt he couldn't cope with parenting a disabled child, given his own experiences.
You didn't go down that road and many, many people would've made exactly the same choice you did. You obviously care enough to continue to see your child and I know you are going through a lot of pain but your child seems happy. There isn't a perfect person on this board. You had the decency to be honest about your ability to cope and you deserve not to feel tormented by that decision. Whether you were old, young, married, single whatever...all of those circumstances would present extra challenges for you. That's the point I thought you may have wanted to explore further. Come back of you need to and if you would prefer me to I'll clear off.
Wishing you lots of love.

I have the same exact situation. I am devastated. I feel the same about the people around me.

Heart17, if you needed to let another family adopt your baby, for any reason, that does not make you a terrible person and you should not allow anyone's opinion to bother you. It was your decision alone, and if you felt you could not give your baby what they needed, it was a loving choice to allow him or her to be raised by someone who was equipped to do so- whether financially, emotionally, mentally, physically, or in any other way. So many children are raised by someone who is not their biological parent, and they receive just as much love and care from these guardians and adoptive parents. I hope you will be gentle with yourself, I trust you made the best decision you could and no one can know what circumstances you were dealing with. Hugs to you, dear.

I only just saw this. Pm me if you want to chat