the most difficult decision of my life

[kosh71]

Apologies in advance for the long post. I need to get it all out

I found out yesterday that I'm pregnant. I'm 45 and this was unplanned. I have a DS who just turned 4. I'm struggling to decide what to do.

Last week before I tested I could tell I was pregnant but I was so scared I would try to convince myself maybe I was not. I was having panic attacks. I cried and cried and cried.

Thoughts that run through my head:

How could I ever love a second child as much as I love my son?
Now that he is 4 life started to be more manageable, can I go back and do it all again? I would be almost 50 by the time things start to settle again
I really do not think I can cope.
Will my husband be supportive this time around? Will he pull his weigh?
Will it be too much for our relationship (which has been downhill for a long time now)?

As you can see all my first thoughts were against it. But now I am crying thinking this is my last chance. To have another baby in my arms, to feel the smell of a newborn. To give my son a sibling. To have a 'complete' family.

I really do not know what to do. I want all this to be a bad dream.
I know no one can make the decision for me, but I just do not know how to even start thinking about it.

On top of everything I had a bad argument with DH tonight. Yesterday he was all ' we'll get through this whatever we decide' today he was cold and argumentative, ended up leaving in a huff and I am here sitting alone at 2am.

I am devastated

thanks a lot krissy talking to someone who felt so similar helps.
i do not drink any coffee anyway but i can totally understand why it helped you
can I ask you - are you on your own or have a partner?
tbh I think that is the most difficult part, not to be able to know how my DH will really be if/when the baby is here
it should not be like that right? it should just be about me and what I think it's right

apologies for keep posting, I am using this thread as a way to get things out.

today I am convinced having a second child is not what I want. I can't see any positive side and it makes me so so sad.

I am mostly on my own. I live alone with my 21 year old son. I have a lot of support from a male friend who lives in another country - he is a godsend. However, the father wanted me to have an abortion. We had only been dating a few months. When I couldn't go through with it be threw a fit saying I ruined his life and not to expect anything from him. I'm just fine with this.

It's true that the decision is your own. I think it's good to consider how it effects others, but at the end of the day you are the one that needs to deal with the consequences either way.

Please keep posting. I know I found it very helpful to have someone to talk to, especially when I knew they could somewhat related.

Is really hard to see any positive when you feel like you're in the middle of an uncontrollable storm.

I'm not very familiar with the ins and outs of private messaging in here, but if you like we can do that. I don't get any notifications when something I post is responded to.

How are you feeling op? What's the current state of affairs for you right now?

You're on my mind and in my prayers xx

thanks for checking in foreverblessedbee.
I've had two scans and in the second they thought it was an empty sac.
I am going in tomorrow again tomorrow, I will let you know
I feel numb at the moment