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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

My DP is adamant he wants no more children .... I don't think I can terminate

45 replies

Pigwitch · 26/10/2015 22:18

I've found myself at the age of 40 pregnant unexpectedly.
My DP is 46 and we have 3 children together.
My DP is a wonderful father and his kids are his life however he is adamant he doesn't want anymore.
I agree with his reasoning ie. we're finally fiancially stable , have got past the baby stage , I've recently returned to work. He says he couldn't think of anything worse than having a baby in the house. He says he's too old.
I understand everything he's saying but it doesn't make it any easier.
I just can't stop crying at the though of aborting our baby.
It's just a crap situation all around which is a no win.
I can't have the baby if he's so against it - it wouldn't be fair , and I'm not prepared to do it on my own. I have my other children to think about.

OP posts:

Utterlyclueless · 27/10/2015 10:19

Cocktail queen GPs are allowed to refuse to take part in an abortion if it's against their beliefs but have to refer you

blueshoes · 27/10/2015 12:41

Totally agree with wanabe.

ijustwannadance · 27/10/2015 18:15

So why didn't she insist on him putting a condom on before having sex? She too knows exactly how babies are made. If she didn't want to be in this position, she shouldn't have had unprotected sex. Stop just blaming husband. If it was a drunken night of passion she could've took a pill. It's her body to take responsibility of.

CocktailQueen · 27/10/2015 19:50

Yeah, clueless, that's what I said!

AwfulBeryl · 27/10/2015 19:57

at some of the responses on here.
Op please don't feel pressured in to a termination, I would not be able to get over that and it would destroy our relationship.
Yes, both of you are responsible for contraception, but that doesn't mean you're obliged to terminate because dp doesn't want a baby.
for you, sorry you're in this situation, hope you manage to resolve it with dp.

Postchildrenpregranny · 27/10/2015 20:00

This happened to a friend though 3rd not4th child .She was gutted as had just started ft work again.Kept baby ,who is now about 22 and much loved . But I think her Dh left the decision to her though he most definitely didn't want another child-for financial reasons
You have my sympathy .I struggled to have my DDs and an abortion would have been unthinkable .But I would never judge anyone for doing what is right for their whole family

expatinscotland · 27/10/2015 20:00

There is no way in hell a man could convince me to have a termination I didn't want. It's your body.

minimalist000001 · 27/10/2015 20:06

If you both had sex and he chose not to use protection, then he has to accept the consequences of unprotected sex. It's not fair to have unprotected sex with you and then demand you abort

minimalist000001 · 27/10/2015 20:07

He's the one who doesn't want a baby, he's the one therefore who should use contraception

UnDeuxCrois · 27/10/2015 20:14

I had a similar situation but was much younger at the time and still a student. I was adamant that I didn't want to terminate but my then DP did. After counselling and realising he wasn't at all on side, I did decide to have a termination. I felt a bit sad about it at the time but very quickly realised that it was the right decision and looking back am glad that I didn't have a child then.

I am not saying this to encourage you into termination, just to see whether counselling would be an option as it did really help me. If you are certain you do not want a termination don't have one. Your DP doesn't get to choose after the fact and if he left you over it would be a prize fool.

Ohdeargawd · 29/10/2015 16:34

OP I have just been in the same situation, with pg number 4. I fully understand how dreadful the situation is and totally sympathise. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place where neither option is any good. You really need to listen to your gut instinct.
My dh also assumed that we would abort, which initially I agreed with and then as the days passed and the pg continued, I seriously struggled with. It got to the point where I was offered the first stage medical termination and I basically lost the plot a little as he was so unmoved by what was happening to me. Finally at that point (me in floods of tears) we properly communicated, he properly listened and told me not to take the pill as I was in a crazy mental state. Knowing he was now listening and realised the anguish the concept of abortion was causing, made me feel better as I now had a proper choice. As another poster says above, communication is absolutely key. I also agree with someone else who says you cannot bring a child into the world if your dh does not agree this course of action, you do need to take his feelings into account, he is your dh after all. Your dh is getting a right old flaming here for not using protection or getting a vasectomy, my dh had also put off getting one after dc3 was born despite me raising it as a reasonable contraceptive choice- I think most men are good at burying their head in the sand and not taking contraception seriously despite clear knowledge of how babies are made! but this episode has shaken him. Only you and your dh can work out what to do, but counselling and really honest communication is really the only way forward. I hope you find some peace in a decision soon.

expatinscotland · 29/10/2015 17:25

'I also agree with someone else who says you cannot bring a child into the world if your dh does not agree this course of action, you do need to take his feelings into account, he is your dh after all.'

And it's a woman's body who has the procedure. If she does not want a termination, she can and should carry on with the pregnancy. Her body, her choice. The time to decide whether or not to bring a child into the world has passed, he didn't use a condom, she didn't object and neither one of them was using birth control.

Iggi999 · 29/10/2015 22:43

You absolutely can bring a child into the world if your dh doesn't want it, I think we got autonomy over our own bodies some years ago. What we shouldn't do is get pg on purpose without their consent. Once you are pg it's a whole different ball game.

Roonerspism · 29/10/2015 22:48

You should not terminate if you don't want to. That's all there is too it.

If DH had felt that strongly, he could have had the snip.

NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 22:59

"We have been using condoms though we didn't on one occasion - I have been asking him for a couple of years to have a vasectomy if he doesn't want anymore children but he never did it."

Given these circumstances, I cannot believe his audacity in insisting you get an abortion. He didn't want another child, so you asked him to get the snip, but he didn't bother. He had sex with you without using a condom. He KNEW what could happen. Contraception is a joint responsibility, but if someone doesn't want a child, they should make sure it won't happen! The OP hardly tricked him into getting her pregnant!

I strongly believe that a couple should discuss it and both should have a say, but in the case of disagreement, the woman gets the final say because IT'S HER BODY. The man should never pressure her.

Duckdeamon · 29/10/2015 23:03

Your body, your choice. Not his.

M4blues · 29/10/2015 23:10

Please don't listen to those posters saying you cannot have this baby if your dp doesn't want it. This is absolutely your decision. His opportunity to have a say has passed. This is one of the few situations within a marriage where you have the final say regardless of how he feels.

If you agree to terminate and you don't want to then your relationship will slowly wither and die anyway, eventually crippled with resentment. There is no going back.

Do you think he may just be in shock? Is there a chance he could come round?

If you want to terminate then that's an entirely different matter and that is of course, a legitimate choice; but only if it's what you want.

You are only 4wks so give yourself another 2wks to see how your and his feelings pan out. And ask yourself, if he was on board, would you want this pregnancy? If the answer is a resounding yes then please don't be pressured into a termination.

hunibuni · 29/10/2015 23:45

I have been where you are. We now have DO (8) but our marriage has never been the same. DH had been procrastinating about the snip and I feel pregnant when taking very strong antibiotics that were contraindicated for pregnancy. He never came around during my pregnancy, refused to attend scans etc. I had to go for my 1st early scan to check that all was well by myself. He drove me there and sat in the car. I still hate and resent him for that.

Then she was born, and he was besotted. He has been a fantastic father, which is why I haven't left, but our relationship has never recovered. I used to think that I could always rely on him, but I now know that I can manage perfectly fine without him, as does he. It also helps that there is a big gap with DS, who dotes on her and is a great babysitter when needed. DH did get the snip soon after she was born.

NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 23:52

hunibuni
Your story makes me wonder whether couple's counselling might help the OP and her partner to avoid/minimise relationship damage while they make this decision. OP, do you think it would help you both?

Qwebec · 30/10/2015 00:17

Totally agree with wannabe, how about couples counseling? it could help both of you see clearer.

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