I fell in love with a man who isn't my husband

[erisj81]

He is fun and passionate and handsome but somewhat cruel and definitely not in love with me.

I am 6 weeks pregnant (he is definitely the father) and I don't know what to do. I have always been pro-choice but that isn't a choice I can imagine myself making now that it's real. I am 34. I don't have any excuses. I think this baby will be utterly beautiful.

The man I love already has several children and a hugely busy job. He is fervently anti-abortion but I can't see him even acknowledging this situation.

My husband wants to have a child. I can almost imagine him accepting someone else's baby. But that's a monstrous thing to even imagine. I am going to have to get divorced and live alone with this baby. The anticipation of responsibility is crushing. I am already so tired.

My parents will disown me. Us.

I feel so bleak. I know that I deserve to feel that way. I'm sorry for writing this and fouling up your Sunday evenings when other people have terrible problems they didn't create for themselves. I really appreciate you listening (even if your only response is to berate me).

I also know that this sounds massively egocentric and that I need to consider the fact that another person will exist at the end of this thanks to my stupid behaviour. I can't decide whether it is less selfish to have an abortion, even though it will break my heart, or to be alone and make the best of it.

If anyone has a magic wand that would be really brilliant.

How long were you with the OM?

What troubles me is that there's plenty about the OM, who is absolutely NOT the best man you've ever met and not by a long way. There's nothing really about your H apart from the fact that he would like a child. Do you love him? did you ever love him, or do you even like him much and care what happens to him next?
He just seems an awkward and inconvenient component of this shabby mess, poor man.

You do sound massively egocentric and your only real concern is embarrassment at being caught out and potentially being disowned by your parents. This is massively disrespectful. You sound a very young 34 and in a situation you never anticipated despite not taking sufficient steps to prevent it. These kind of things never just happen

You're romanticising everything? OM is passionate, fun and handsome, you were powerless to resist his charms despite his lack of any love, his cruel heart and track record, not to mention the fact that you're married. That really is bad chic lit territory with complications

To me you don't sound in the right place to have a child. A child who will need to rely on you for all their emotional and physical care throughout their upbringing and beyond. You've already established that the OM is a negligent sperm scatterer who can't be relied upon for parenting or financial support. You say you're already so tired and crushed by the weight of responsibility, you have no idea.

Personally I think having a baby is so much more than going ahead on the offchance that you won't be able to have one to order another time. A child is not just a desirable accessory. You think 'this baby would be utterly beautiful' what if it's not? what if it's unfortunately unattractive, or constantly demanding. What if the baby becomes a difficult child who takes after its father's nature? what if it has a lifetime of special needs ahead which grind you into the ground? There are stark realities to having a child and you have to be prepared for all eventualities and to love that child regardless, putting them first from now on.

Please get yourself some counselling as a matter of urgency and work out what you need to do, for your own wellbeing, with regard to your H and also about this pregnancy. You must also be tested for STIs.

This may all sound harsh, it's not meant to be, it's meant to stop you wallowing and press for the practical things that you must do without delay.
There are always words of support and advice on MN even if they come with disapproval at the lead up to the situation. You may find yourself in need of more help once you've started to sort things out for yourself.

You had unprotected sex with a serial cheater? Never heard of STDs then?!

You should tell your husband. Both of you need to get STD tests, to start with.

If you decide to keep the baby I hope to god you will start being more responsible and stop being so selfish.

Ditto.

I won't judge you. You're judging yourself enough for everyone. Please tell your husband. If you can't do that, your marriage is unlikely to survive anyway.