In shock and in need of advice

[nslw]

I've just this morning taken a clear blue pregnancy test and it says pregnant 2-3. This means I'm actually 4-5 weeks pregnant right? I think I already know the answer to this but there's no way that this can be wrong is there?
I woke my husband up crying and throwing the stick in his face. We're both in complete shock. Needless to say this was not planned, I am on the pill.
We've been married for a little under a year, in the process of buying a flat and are both working, earning decent(ish) money. We have no family at all near us- they're all hundreds of miles away. This is a big factor in how I feel I can cope with this.
We do not know what to do.
If I was to get an abortion (as I don't know if we're ready to be parents... But are you ever ready?!) then what do I need to do next? How soon can they do it? Will I need a scan first? I don't even know what I should be doing first- I'm guessing I should phone my doctors on Monday morning right?
All the reasons for an abortion seem really selfish and silly when I think about them, but I just don't know if I'm ready. At all.
Please help, I'm so unbelievably lost.

Didn't want to read and run but hopefully others will be along soon. Yes you are reading and interpreting the test correctly and 2-3 is a very strong result.

It was obviously a shock for you both, especially with the fact it wasn't in anyway planned. I went through all those emotions even though our pregancy was planned, like you said I think for most people it is difficult to ever be absolutely ready. In fact it's almost impossible when this is a brand new and unplanned experience.

From what you've said, it sounds like you need to take a bit of time to pull your thoughts and emotions together. Nothing you list seems insurmountable - you are (presumably) in a stable relationship, with a good income and planning to buy your first home. While I'm not sure timing can ever be perfect all these things are positive. Family not being closer is something many people nowadays live with.

But ultimately it is not about what others think or what works for others, you need to decide what works for you both now and in the longer term, how would this affect and change your plans if you took either option (going ahead with the pregnancy or abortion). You have found out early so still have time to think things through carefully, and it might be helpful to speak to a doctor about whether they could recommend a counsellor to talk things through with?

First you need to discuss it with your DH, having calmed down a little so you canthinkabout it rationally (difficult I know!)

Then make an appointment with your GP to talk through and, if you want to, get the all rolling WRT a termination. You can back out of the termination at any time but if you think you might be headed that way, it is better to get the referral process started.

As to whether we are ever ready to be parents, I would say probably not! Even if you think we are when actively trying to conceive, it often comes as a huge shock to actually find yourself as a parent.

This surprise pregnancy might br a disaster, it might turn out to be the best thing ever. You just don't know for sure.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this position. I completely understand your feelings.

First I want to tell you that your reasons for considering abortion are not selfish, they're completely valid. You don't feel ready for a child, you were taking precautions to prevent it from happening. You don't have to have a child just because you've now found yourself pregnant.

It's still early days which is great news. I would suggest going to the Dr on Monday as plans. They will be able to refer you on to the early pregnancy unit. This took two weeks for me. They'll need to scan you to make sure there's a pregnancy and it's in the right place and not ectopic. This would probably be a transvaginal scan which, in my experience, is not half as bad as a smear. Certainly nothing to worry about.

Once the pregnancy is confirmed they will talk you through your options-medical termination (tablet), surgical (d&c). They may also talk about continuing with the pregnancy and keeping the baby or having it adopted. So all options are looked at.

It's a horrible place to be but there is a lot of support out there.

Just don't beat yourself up about your reasons for considering abortion. No reason is more valid than another and just because some people continue with unplanned pregnancies in similar situations doesn't mean you should. It doesn't in some way make them a better person than you.

Good luck and keep coming back here to talk things through if you find it helpful.

Thank you for such nice replies. I've called Marie stopes. They've arranged a phone counselling session with me tomorrow and a phone nurses medical appointment on Monday evening. At 4w4d roughly it's too early to do anything apparently - I'm very distressed about this as if I'm going to do this I want it over with asap.
They've said I could probably get it done the 30th/31st as local clinic is only open mon/tues. If I get it those days how long will it take for it all to be over? I've got a 6 hour train journey on Thursday :(

How old are you both?

Oh and they said they would need to be scan be first- is this likely to be vaginal or like a regular ultrasound? I'm scared that's the bit that'll get me- I'm scared I'll totally lose it when I see something on the screen.

We're both 25

You're so early you wont see anything on the scan even if it is possible to see the screen. It will just be a barely there fuzzy circle.

It will most probably be a vaginal scan at your stage. They won't show you the screen; it's not like a routine prenatal scan where they point out things to you. It's just to confirm the pg and make sure it's not ectopic.

If you go for a medical termination the whole process can be over very quickly. The first tablet blocks progesterone. I had no bleeding after this. A couple of days later you'll return for the second stage-the pessaries to expel everything from the womb. This generally kick-starts the bleeding and in some cases it can all be completed in a few hours.

Is the train journey after the initial appointment?

I'm hoping I'll be given the tablets on the 30th/31st and the train journey is on the 2nd. I don't know if I'll be in any state to travel. Right now I feel like I've been hit by a bus, so in shock

Yep, i know that feeling well. Could you postpone the train journey? Oe souls you be.prepared to.postpone.the procedure until after the journey? I know you'd prefer it to be done sooner rather than later ideally though.

That should read or would you be able to...

I can't postpone the train journey and I really don't want to delay it any more than I have to. I wish I could just have it over with today. I feel so awful, like the worst person alive.

I went to BPAS when I wanted more information about an abortion. I had a scan but they didn't show me the screen; it's part of their policy not to show you unless you ask. I'm sure Marie Stopes will be the same.
I got a lot of information from my visit. I was a lot further along than you though, I thought I was about 12 weeks but I was closer to 18, so I elected to continue with the pregnancy (I already have 2 children)

Ask as many questions as you need during your consultation tomorrow. They won't mind going over things more than once with you so that you're 100% understanding of the situation and your options.

Big hugs to you. It's a stressful time and I wish you lots of strength over the next few weeks.

for you, OP, and your DH.

You have time to decide what to do - if you are totally sure you want to terminate the pregnancy, then I understand the need to feel that it's all over, but you don't have to rush unnecessarily. If may be less stressful for you to complete your travel plans on the 2nd than to be worrying about bleeding etc.

They won't show you the screen for the scan if you don't want to see it. And there will be no judgement on your choice either way.

It's important to step back a bit from the shock, if you can, and understand what all the different routes open to you are.

I had a termination at about the same age. However, unlike your situation it was a new relationship in its very early days, my career was important to me and my BFs was to him, and we were not living together at the time. I don't regret it at all, but with hindsight (and now being a mother so having the experience) I do know now that if I had chosen to continue the pregnancy then we would have got through it. Things would have been very different along the way, but I'm sure we'd have found our way. At the time, it seemed a very black-and-white choice.

As I say, I don't regret it, it was the best decision I could make on the information I had available at the time. That's all you can do.

I'd say you're in a better position to have this baby than most people.

@DrinkFeck I know that. This is not an easy decision and I'm still in shock

I think you will be okay for the train journey, I had a surgical termination and I was back driving within a few days.

It is such a hard decision and takes a huge emotional toll on you whatever you choose, I hope you're okay

Honestly?
I don't think they will move ahead that quickly anyway - so I think you will be waiting until after the train journey, so not a problem in that regard.

You should be giving yourself a bit of time to get over the shock and make rational decisions together in any case, instead of knee jerk 'get rid'. Give yourselves a chance to think things through once the shock has worn off. You have plenty of time to make a decision to terminate.

I'm curious why you were testing at that point though? You obviously had an inkling that something was up?

In any case - woah! Slow down!

Termination may indeed the right thing for you, but today is not the day to make that decision.

What does dh think? (It is your body, but your decision around this subject WILL have repercussions for your relationship, so you need to make it together).

And no, of course there is no right time to have baby. No one is ever ready. There is always a new car, new flat, new house, big holiday on the horizon, good jobs, prospect of promotion, etc etc. But it is also entirely possible to make it work if that is the decision you choose.

Look at both routes, both set of what-if's. Consider your company's policies, maternity/ paternity leave, timings (baby for Christmas?) and whether you were ultimately planning a family together, but further down the road, or whether you were always planning to be a childless couple.

Life pretty much NEVER works out how you expect it to. So sometimes, rolling with it isn't a bad thing.

I'm not trying to persuade you to keep the baby btw - termination is always a thorny subject (I had one, and have never had any regrets, but I know a lot of people do suffer later - knowing their child would have been starting school/ a teenager/ leaving school etc etc) and it can indeed lead to feelings of guilt etc (but like I said - not here).

The important thing is to give yourself a chance to process all of those thoughts and make the right decision, so that you minimise the chances of struggling with the decision you make later on (years ahead, for either decision, not in the short term)

Good luck x

And so what, Drink? That doesn't matter at all. Gut feeling about whether you are ready to be a parent at that moment in time to that baby is all that matters.

OP, please try not to feel like an awful person. Accidents happen. Sadly.

How are your periods normally? I found that a day or two after I was bleeding heavily but as I have heavy periods anyway it felt manageable. That was with a medical termination - is that what you are considering?

The train journey will be manageable if it has to be because these things are, but does that mean you'll then be away from home for a few days as well?

I know you want it over with quickly, you have my huge sympathies, but I'd have a niggly concern that if you are needing to travel and be away for a few days immediately after, it might be best to wait one more week. Just on a practical note.

But Marie Stopes can advise you on this too. Mine was with them and they were lovely

I had a medical termination at 6 weeks. In my case I would not have been fit for a train journey 2 days later. It took 2 weeks before I passed the pregnancy and another week or so before my lower abdomen could cope with car journeys.

I realise this is not a common experience and dont want to scare you. I supose Im saying its something you have to take as it comes and dont push yourself to be fit to travel in 2 days time.

And try to disregard comments about you being in a good position to have a baby. No one knows how you feel but you and it's really not helpful. It's perfectly okay to be considering abortion even if you're financially stable with a supportive dh, a big enough house, family close by etc.

Good luck op.

Erm, because the OP listed points about her situation which she questioned whether they mean she and her partner are in a good point in their life to have a baby. Then she questioned whether people are ever ready to have children, thurlow. So that's what.

Why? Only you're opinion counts?

No - just the OP is after support, not judgement.

Hope you're feeling ok today OP

I wasn't judging I was responding to the points the OP raised in her OP

She was questioning her life situ and whether it's a right time. you seem to be saying that only "yes, book an appointment" is an appropriate response.