In shock and in need of advice

[nslw]

I've just this morning taken a clear blue pregnancy test and it says pregnant 2-3. This means I'm actually 4-5 weeks pregnant right? I think I already know the answer to this but there's no way that this can be wrong is there?
I woke my husband up crying and throwing the stick in his face. We're both in complete shock. Needless to say this was not planned, I am on the pill.
We've been married for a little under a year, in the process of buying a flat and are both working, earning decent(ish) money. We have no family at all near us- they're all hundreds of miles away. This is a big factor in how I feel I can cope with this.
We do not know what to do.
If I was to get an abortion (as I don't know if we're ready to be parents... But are you ever ready?!) then what do I need to do next? How soon can they do it? Will I need a scan first? I don't even know what I should be doing first- I'm guessing I should phone my doctors on Monday morning right?
All the reasons for an abortion seem really selfish and silly when I think about them, but I just don't know if I'm ready. At all.
Please help, I'm so unbelievably lost.

as was said before - try not to panic. It's very early days and you don't have to decide what to do immediately.
I am very strongly pro-choice, but I don't read it like some others, that you are absolutely not ready to have children - you write yourself, that you don't know. Your life seems to be otherwise in order, and there are many parents with no family support around - my parents are in different country, and DHs also too far to help, we manage fine. So if you were planning to start a family in a couple of years anyway, maybe it's not all so bad - even though, obviously, a big shock at the moment. And if you decide you're not ready - you have options.

I found out about my pregnancy on Wednesday and the only realistic option for us is termination. Maybe if we had a home together, like yourselves, the outcome may be different. Maybe not. Because at the end of the day, sweetheart, the only ones who know what's best for you as a couple is you. It's incredibly hard and I completely empathise with the shock. It's surreal, isn't it? I would just say, whatever your decision is, take it easy on yourself. Accidents happen whatever age you are (I'm 42!), we just have to accept them and do what's best for us. Much love to you xx

Thank you again for all the replies. I had a 'counselling' call with Marie Stopes earlier today. The lady was really nice. She told me I've got time to make my decision but I really don't feel like I do. I barely slept last night going over this all in head and I just don't think I can continue the pregnancy. There are too many unknowns, I have too much fear. I feel so awful about this. I just really want it all to go away.

Thank you for such a nice message Clemmers. I'm sorry that you're in the same rubbish position.

There are too many unknowns, I have too much fear.

What unknowns? What exactly are you scared of?

Would it help to sit down with your DH and make a list of pros and cons of each decision.

You do have a certain amount of time - you can back out of the termination at any point so don't feel you have to know for certain right now. I'm not saying you should change your mind, just that there is time to change it even if you start the process so don't worry that you need to make an absolute firm decision now.

OwlCapone

I'm scared if I terminate I'll regret it for the rest of my life. What if I never forgive myself and can't have a child in the future?
I'm scared that if we continue with the pregnancy the stress will destroy our relationship. I'm scared that I am in no position to be a good mother at this time.

I have no idea what I'm going to do. Maybe a pros and cons list is a good idea.

Thank you

What is your DH saying about all of this, OP?

DrinkFeck

He doesn't feel ready to be a father so is leaning towards abortion. He has however said that he will support and stand by any decision I make. He says he is scared I will resent him if we abort. I'm scared he will resent me if we don't.

As I said before, I had a termination, and I have not regretted it. Some people do (and I think perhaps this is more common if you feel rushed into a decision, so please do take your time; also if you feel unsupported in a choice by your partner) but the majority of people do not feel regret. The only regret I truly feel is that I was in the position in the first place - I regret the accidental pregnancy, not the termination. I made my choice on the facts I had available to me at the time, and that is all anyone can do. If you can get to a point where you feel OK within yourself that you made a choice based on good reasons, you won't regret it.

I have 2 DC now, and live hundreds of miles from both mine and my DHs family. It is harder than having supportive relatives on the doorstep, of course, but it's not impossible or insurmountable and actually there can be benefits - going to visit the various grandparents and cousins is an event, much looked forward to, like a holiday, for my DC. It's not how I grew up, but it's been fine. We've made friends with people in the same boat, we've found lovely childcare where the DC have made loving relationships, it's been OK.

^I'm scared if I terminate I'll regret it for the rest of my life. What if I never forgive myself and can't have a child in the future?
I'm scared that if we continue with the pregnancy the stress will destroy our relationship. I'm scared that I am in no position to be a good mother at this time.^

These are all valid things to worry about. A pros and cons list will really help you see the woods for the trees.

Is your relationship in a good place (if you are worried about this affecting it, I mean)? You are married, this is a challenge to how you thought life would go in the near future but it should be the sort of thing you can overcome and support each other through.

No one (no matter how sorted, or how longed-for the baby is) is sure they'll be a good mother. It's a scary business. But unless you have real financial or mental health pressures, say, then the chances are really good that you'd be a fine mother.

More for you.

It's been such a shock to both of you and it's still very early days. You need to be mindful of the deadline but you still have some time so no need to rush anything yet. Hope you find the right answer for you.

Why do you think the stress would destroy your relationship? Lots of people have babies and their relationships survive. Is there more going on than you're saying here. Fine if you don't want to say but it's a bit of a jump; baby = relationship over.

Just because you are scared, it is important that you take a bit of time over this important decision - whatever you decide, you cannot go back and have to live with the decisions.
IME women who have opted to terminate an unwanted pregnancy who have reached that decision for the right reasons for them, do just fine in the long run.
Equally many an unplanned pregnancy has led to a much loved child, so try to let the shock settle, but the fear to one side and think hard.

A pros and cons list is a great idea

This will NOT 'just go away', so stop panicking and start considering.
The choice and decision is yours; of course it is invaluable if your DH can support you, but don't base you decision on his preference (if he has one). Many men find it easier to detach from a very early pregnancy than many women who are actually physically pregnant.

Good luck whatever you decide

Yes, as DrinkFeck says, don't rush. Just keep talking. And try not to second-guess each other. It's really important that neither of you feels they can't change their mind in whichever direction.

No one is really ready to be a parent, but when you plan it, you don't get the panic about it till nearer the due date! Then it hits you, what have we done... we've ruined our lives! You're just getting that now instead

But seriously, keep talking to each other, and keep an open mind. You've started the process, and you can stop it at any point, so you're in the best position you can be right now (even though you wish it wasn't happening.)

I honestly wish the ground would just open up and swallow me hole. Or that this was just all a horrible dream. It doesn't feel like real life and I am racked with guilt already.

Hi op,
I found myself in a similar position as you almost 10 years ago and i was terrified. I rushed and booked in for an abortion. It was very early when i found out and i had been given a long wait for the abortion date.
Before the abortion date i had a miscarriage.

That was over 10 years ago and looking back i would have gone ahead with the abortion and i don't think i would have regretted it.
10 years later i have 2dc.
Good luck and you do what you feel is best for you xxx

You are still in denial - that is why you need time.

Don't feel guilty - guilty for what?! That biology caught you out??

Having a termination does not mean that you won't be able to have children in later life.
Have a child now does not mean that your relationship will fall apart.

None of us know what's ahead of us.
Either way, you can only decide what you feel is best in your position.
Make a decision and then own that decision.

PacificDogwood
I feel guilty that we're not happy about this. We're happily married, pretty financially stable, buying our first home... Children is logically the next step. But we planned to take that next step in about 5 years. I feel guilty that so many people would give anything to have a baby and I'm thinking of getting rid of one. I feel like I'm a stupid wee teenager that's been caught out in a mistake, not a married woman.

Yes, I felt awful too. I couldn't believe I was in the situation I was in. I felt guilty for being in that situation, guilty because it's not how you're supposed to feel about being pregnant, and because I thought it would definitely never happen to me. Part of me felt guilty because of the idea that a pregnancy is a child.

But

It did happen. And I had to be a grown-up about it. And you're not on your own with it. Your DH is with you in the decision too. And a pregnancy is not a child. You have choices.

Whatever you choose, try to be kind to yourself. I am thinking good thoughts for you and hope they come through the screen.

Aw, cut yourself a bit of slack

It is what it is.
You have no choice but to accept that you are in this position.
You DO have a choice what you do about it.

FWIW our DS1 was very much wanted and planned for and I was not ready - he's now 12 yo and I am still not ready

I like to pose the following question on these kinds of threads (let's face it, you're not the first and not the last woman who finds herself in this position):
if you miscarried tomorrow, would you feel nothing but relief or regret?
Or a bit of both?? More of one than the other?

No need to answer here, but ponder that for a bit.

Take your time op. It's a big decision and you've caught it early and are now already in the marie stopes system, so there's no major pressure to do anything in the next few days. I think it would definitely do you good to make pros and con lists, maybe play around with your budget and see what would be feasible, have a real think about both options and come to terms with your feelings about it. Then whatever you decide you will feel that you've made the best decision you could in the circumstances.

Best of luck to you whatever happens. Please don't feel guilty about anything and I hope you reach a decision that feels right.

You could also take a couple of days planning to go ahead with the pregnancy. Think about everything to do with being pregnant and having a baby. Work out your due date etc. Talk with your dp like it's happening.

How do you feel?

Then live a couple of days as if you're going to have a termination. Look into the procedure and imagine life in a few weeks no longer pregnant. Plan things you'll do etc.

How do you feel?

Otherwise (if you're anything like me) you'll flip from thinking about one to the other one hundred times in a day which is stressful and helpful.

Maybe you'll get a feeling about which way to go.

Oh, and it may be that neither option feels 'right'. That's okay. One might feel more do-able than the other though and that's not a bad place to start.

Thanks again for all the nice messages. I've dragged myself to work this morning and it's proving a nice distraction. It's hard being around my pregnant colleague though.

I have my telephone appointment with the nurse this evening. Still pressing ahead with the hope that I'll figure out where my head is soon.

OP, I wrote my previous post when you seemed more convinced of what you wanted to do, but it's clear from your further posts that you aren't.

Firstly, huge for you.

The shock of an unexpected pregnancy, cruelly, can make it harder to make a decision. Please, please don't feel guilty. Contraceptive failures happen and they are no one's fault. They really aren't.

There is some fantastic advice up thread. On the one hand yes, making the appointments and going through with the telephone appointments are a good thing because if the possibility is there in your head then the ball is rolling. More importantly, it means you can talk to counsellors who can help you. But making an appointment, even walking into the clinic for your appointment, doesn't mean you have to go through with it. Don't feel that because you are talking about a termination it means you have to go through with it.

Shoo as some great advice about trying to imagine each scenario. It is difficult to do, but it may help a lot.

Fwiw, I have been in your situation twice. The first time we kept the baby, the second time we didn't. Both times I had a sort of gut feeling; it took a while to understand what that gut feeling was, and neither decision was made quickly, easily or without reservations and upset, but there was that little niggle there that helped point me in a certain direction and I have regretted neither decision. But it took time to separate that niggle from the shock of the situation.

Keep talking. Many of us have been through both situations and can listen and try to help. You do have some time on your hands. And keep talking to your DH.

Still sending good thoughts your way, OP. Be gentle with yourself.