In shock and in need of advice

[nslw]

I've just this morning taken a clear blue pregnancy test and it says pregnant 2-3. This means I'm actually 4-5 weeks pregnant right? I think I already know the answer to this but there's no way that this can be wrong is there?
I woke my husband up crying and throwing the stick in his face. We're both in complete shock. Needless to say this was not planned, I am on the pill.
We've been married for a little under a year, in the process of buying a flat and are both working, earning decent(ish) money. We have no family at all near us- they're all hundreds of miles away. This is a big factor in how I feel I can cope with this.
We do not know what to do.
If I was to get an abortion (as I don't know if we're ready to be parents... But are you ever ready?!) then what do I need to do next? How soon can they do it? Will I need a scan first? I don't even know what I should be doing first- I'm guessing I should phone my doctors on Monday morning right?
All the reasons for an abortion seem really selfish and silly when I think about them, but I just don't know if I'm ready. At all.
Please help, I'm so unbelievably lost.

Thanks everybody.
Appointment for the 6hr option is next Monday (30th).
Broke down last night, still have no idea if that's the right thing to do or not. Hope I know by next Monday...

Can't add anything to the good advice you've already had. Can you confide in anyone? I know if you were my friend I'd support you all the way whatever you chose. Take care

I wish I could talk to my mum, but I think she'd be a)disappointed in me for being pregnant but b)disappointed in me for choosing to have an abortion.
I may confide in one of my friends. I think she would support me whatever happens. I suppose I'm scared that when I say it out loud that makes it all real.

I felt the same about my mum. I still haven't told her. It feels wrong to have gone through something like that without her knowing but i just can't guarantee how she'd react and once it's out there it can't be taken back. I would hope my children would feel they could talk to me.

I had a few very good friends who were all amazing.

I was expecting some kind of epiphany when waiting for my appt. I hoped i'd just know the right thing to do. I never did. I think sometimes we have to make difficult decisions and just make the best of it. Whichever route you choose might not feel 'right'. Some people just know, others are conflicted and that conflict is awful.

Just a tuppence from my experience. Twice I thought I was pregnant. First at 22 I was shocked, straight away I knew that it was not happening. Fair weather penniless boyfriend, me a waitress paid a different amount every week renting a room. There was no doubt in my mind as to what he to happen, no emotion either - simply no choice. It turned I wasn't pregnant, just an unusually late period.

Second time, I was 27. Renting my own flat, running my own business. Had sex with an ex i used to love very much. Straight away I was conflicted emotionally, it wasn't an easy decision, his the turmoil went for few weeks, till the very last deadline you could have an abortion (I did go ahead and book in advance just like you did). My DD is now 4 and I don't regret it. I thought my business would go down, it didn't. Life changes but not for the worse.

You need to work out why exactly you're feeling so emotional that you broke down as you said.

Why would your mum be disappointed in you for being pregnant? You are a married woman of 25 not a teenager, most grannies are excited (not that this helps if you decide to have an abortion). Or does she have particular issues?

FWIW I think there is no right time and life always works out differently to how we expect it to.

I think my mum would be disappointed because this wasn't planned. We're still young, and have our careers & new home to concentrate on first. I think my parents would be disappointed that we made this mistake. But I also know that my mum doesn't really agree with abortion unless there is a very good reason (eg something wrong with the baby) so that makes me feel even more guilty for considering it.
DH broke down last night, tears and everything. I've never seen him like that. He made me promise that if I don't want to then I don't go through with it, even if I change my mind while we're sitting in the clinic on Monday, he's made me promise to be 100% honest.
I just wish I knew what to do for the best.
I don't want to be pregnant. But I also don't want to have an abortion.

How are you this morning?

So, what was your DH implying? That he'd rather you went ahead with the pregnancy?

I know you don't want to be pregnant and you don't want to terminate. The fact is, you are and you do have to decide what to do.
Have you done a pros and cons list for either option?

IME even the most disapproving of future grandmothers comes round very quickly when presented with squishy newborn grandchild btw. Having said that, I don't think that discussing it with your mother is the best thing to do as she is very unlikely to be able to be impartial.
Keep talking to DH, make that list, speak to the counsellor again, and yes, consider using a friend as a sounding board.

You need to move on from 'this cannot be happening', hard as it is.

I think DH would still rather I abort, but he too has his doubts and is worried that I won't be able to handle an abortion (as am I to be honest) and he doesn't want me to feel pressured into making a decision that I don't want.

I did attempt a pros and cons list but I think I will sit down with DH tonight and have another shot at it.

I'm sure both families would come around to the idea, but one of my major fears is that we are so far away from home (hundreds of miles) that we wouldn't have any practical support here.

Oh and thank you, all of you, for being so lovely. You've been a lifeline at this dark time.

Would there be a possibility of moving closer to either of your families? Ime, family support becomes most useful from when the child is a year old ..so that's the best part of 2 years away.

I have had two unplanned pregnancies - the first time I was 18 and my dad pressured me to have an abortion, I have regretted it ever since as I wasn't given a true choice.

The second time, 8 years later, I knew I had to keep the baby even though our circumstances were pretty dire,my Dp had just lost his job,I was studying and working pt ... We'd just moved to a new city.

Anyway a counsellor I saw at that time said to think ahead, as circumstances can change and in the duration of a pregnancy even so much can happen.

Hope you feel able to make a decision you can live with

he too has his doubts and is worried that I won't be able to handle an abortion (as am I to be honest)

That is the problem - you simply don't know how you will deal with either choice until after that decision has been made.

One thing my GP said to me that has stuck in my mind is whether you see the pregnancy as a baby or a problem first. If you see it as a problem, you are more likely to cope with a termination than if you see it as a baby. That's not to say you will or won't cope if you feel differently though.

It strikes me that a pros and cons list might be a sensible thing to do.

An unexpected pregnancy can throw up an awful lot of shocked negatives - but what about work? what about money? what about maternity leave? what about childcare?

And when there are so many seeming negatives, it can be hard to see the wood for the trees.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with making the decision that practically - emotionally, financially - you aren't in a position to have a child now.

But you do need to be sure of it.

Maybe make a list with your DH. Ask on here as well if you want - you can see that quite a few of us have gone through with unexpected/unplanned pregnancies and so might be able to offer some suggestions or advice on problems (if you want us to, of course).

I worry a little from your posts that you are very concerned about what your family expect you to be doing at this stage in your life. It reads a bit like there is pressure from your family to be achieving X and Y at certain times. Is that right? Is there any chance that is part of your shock? (Do to tell me to bugger off if that's complete balls )

Also think through the positives and negatives - e.g what about work? What will the affect actually be compared to what you think (which is probably a worst case scenario). The same applies to any rose tinted views of the pros.

What will the affect be on your careers if you or your DH take up to a year's parental leave?

I agree with Thurlow pretty much exactly.

It's interesting you see I had terrible pressure from MIL about the 20s being the best time to have children . She was disapproving about me waiting till my dotage early 30s. You have to live your own life and ignore other people's opinions and expectations, whatever they are.

Firstly, I am sorry you are in such a difficult position. I have been there and I remember those dark days very well. I went on with the pregnancy against my partners wishes.

He says he is scared I will resent him if we abort. I'm scared he will resent me if we don't.

This is such a tough one. You have to think of yourself first and foremost. And you have to hope that your relationship is strong enough for either decision. Look after yourself and remember relationships are always work in progress. Sometimes they go through bad times and then through good times again.

How are you feeling nslw ? Good luck on Monday hope you can gain some clarity.

Still thinking of you, OP.

I think if your DH is also in tears over this, then chances are good that whatever way you decide the future should go, you will both support each other. And that's so important, so it's great. You have your DH's support in this, he's got your back.

I didn't tell my mum. I won't ever - she wouldn't have approved, and I'd rather spare her that unnecessary knowledge. I did tell my DSis, who came with me to the appt. I know she'd have made a different choice to me, but she was incredibly supportive. If you have a friend you can get some real-life hugs and wise counsel from, do reach out to them. I bet you would do the same for a friend. I would, and you will want to in the future too, having been through this.

I'm still struggling massively. I feel so conflicted. Appointment at 9.45 tomorrow. Don't know if I can go through with this, I feel sick and like it's still not real but I think it'll hit me like a tonne of bricks when I see the flicker on the screen.

Please get counselling op, there is never a perfect time for a unplanned pregnancy but you are in a great position. Stable relationship , good jobs, able to provide for a child, about to buy a home.

There is an assumption going around that the right time to have your children is late twenties/early thirties.

I had my twins at 33 - if they'd turned up on time instead of arriving several weeks early I'd have been 34.

Running after them was exhausting. In retrospect, I would rather have done motherhood in my mid or even early twenties when I had slightly more energy!

Anyway, that's something to put on your list...

If you're still not sure you still have time to consider your options.

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I agree with soontobesix , you still have time to speak to someone & think about things .
Please don't rush into this without being sure .
I was in your situation & it's awful , I'm so glad I waited and made the decision that was right for me when I was more clear about it all xxx

Massive hugs nslw, you know there isn't a right or wrong decision. You just have to go with your gut. But if you go there tomorrow and you're still undecided there is no shame in that and you still have time to think about things. I really hope you're okay

Oh nslw if you are still conflicted and unsure, please don't make your decision today. Go to the appointment with your DH (he is coming, I hope) and talk it all through. Counselling should help you. You really need to be sure you're doing the right thing through informed choice not fear.

Thinking of you.