trying again after termination due to antenatal depression

[judyisapunk]

Hi everyone,
After reading lots of posts & seeing how wonderful, empathetic & supportive you all are, I've finally plucked up the courage to.post my experience, in the hope that it may help someone else feel less alone, or that I can receive some words of wisdom or encouragement....

I terminated a planned pregnancy last year due to severe antenatal depression & anxiety. I have never experienced mental illness before & it hit me out of the blue. I felt like I was losing my mind & was having suicidal thoughts, it was the most traumatic experience of my life. I wasn't coping at all & already have 2 children young to care for, so my partner & I made the decision to terminate. I have really struggled to come to terms with this. I've been getting amazing counselling, which has helped immensely. I am trying hard to accept that I remain a good & moral person despite having had a termination. I've always been very pro choice but just never imagined myself in this ,position, especially since I planned my pregnancy. It seems so crazy for me to have done what I did. My heart goes out to you all, it's a hard place to be.

I'm now 40 & can't accept that I will never have another child, so am considering trying again. I'm terrified of it happening again, & also feel like I don't deserve another chance after my termination. My counselor had been wonderful, reinforcing that I am a fantastic mum who absolutely deserves another chance, & reminds me that I was unwell & not emotionally or mentally myself during my last pregnancy.

Just looking for support from others who have tried again after termination, or who have experienced antenatal depression, or who can just tell me I remain a good person despite of this.

Thanks for reading, & hugs to all going through a difficult time xxx

Hey Findinghope,

I'm sorry to hear you have been through a similar experience - I think it's totally normal to feel heartbroken, even if you feel that terminating was the right thing to do.

Over 3 years later, I can honestly say I 100% made the right decision. I am now very happily married to my partner (same partner who supported me through the termination) and at the age of 36, nearly 37 still do not have any children and I don't believe that will change.

It took me probably 12-18 months to be able to 'process' things and that's with the help of a counsellor I paid for weekly, privately. She helped me deal with the guilt I felt and I didn't feel judged.

Oddly, since the pregnancy, my PMT has got incredibly bad and 7-10 days before my period, my mood drops significantly and I almost change into a different person - convince myself that everyone hates me / I'm going to get sacked / that my Husband is having an affair... all kinds of odd things, and I get to the point where I think 'What's the point'? I've spoken to my GP about this and do have the option of taking anti-depressants after trying all manner of herbal / vitamin / evening primrose suggestions.

I think in my case, I am really sensitive to hormones and I think this was massively magnified by what I witnessed when I saw my sister giving birth.

For me, I truly believe if I tried again I'd experience the same thing and I just can't put myself through that again - Giving birth and not having my wishes respected (I read the thread in Feminism about birth rights and how so many women had things done to them without consent) is honestly my worst, worst nightmare and I'm not willing to roll the dice and see whether I got a 'nice' NHS midwife and hospital or a horrible one who did what they wanted to my body without consulting me.

However, do I think of my termination on a daily basis? No, I don't - I have a really enjoyable job, an amazing Husband and wonderful family and friends. I've got so many hobbies and a cat I probably dote on more than I should. Life genuinely is good and I don't regret my termination - I do regret getting pregnant, but there was no way I could have known what would have happened beforehand.

I do sometimes feel sad and think 'what if?' and the thought of adoption is still in my mind and it's something that my Husband said we could explore if that's what I wanted (he's never been bothered either way about children, was happy to try, would be happy if we didn't have any) - But with life there is no guarantee and the fact I love my life now is what I'm holding onto, so who knows what will happen in the future?

Thanks so much, FluffyPersian, for you comment. I think we connected on another thread that I started. I'm seeing a therapist as well on a weekly basis. She has been very great and sometimes I do see a glimmer of hope that I will be okay. I'm still in a very horrible place, but have 2 kids that I need to care for. I'm making it through each day, but really don't feel like I'm present. I still sometimes can't believe what has happened. I hope to get to a point where I don't think about it everyday. Thanks for providing me with hope that it is possible.

It’s so great that everyone can come on here and share their difficult stories. I am 9 weeks pregnant . It was planned but I was probably not in a good place to be planning. I was up and down with relationship anxiety. But I’m in my mid-late thirties and have always wanted kids and my ticking clock encouraged me to try. My partner is totally lovely, I love him, but we had some challenges over the years of knowing each other: I think he might be slightly on the autism spectrum, so we had to figure out ways to get my needs met (engagement/connection) which was really hard for me as i struggle with discussing difficult feelings. (I’m usually a positive person). I ended up becoming quite obsessive and negative about it and find it hard to focus on work sometimes (especially when I work at home). Even though our relationship has actually improved so much. Logically I think we will be fine and could be happy - but I feel so unsure and have had frequent negative thoughts since finding out about about being pregnant. Sometimes I just want to miscarry to escape the uncertainties. Or I think about having an abortion and leaving. But at the same time, I’m really looking after myself, getting counselling, eating well, exercising, having nice times with my partner. I think biologically I really want to go ahead with it! I think I have a combination of relationship anxiety and pregnancy hormones, but also wonder sometimes is my gut instinct signally for me to escape. Very confused. Just wanted to share and also to ask if anyone else had antinatal depression related to relationship anxiety? I think mine is worse because we are from different countries so there is added complexity.

I recently had a termination at 10 weeks due to severe depression and anxiety. I now wish I hadn’t done it and had at least sought counselling before going ahead. I was never 100% sure it was the right thing to do and kept hoping my appointment was cancelled but I still went through with it so only have myself to blame.
I would advise anyone suffering from antenatal depression or anxiety to seek help before going through with an abortion.
I was too afraid to go to my gp as they knew it was a planned pregnancy and was too ashamed to admit how I felt. I didn’t book in with a midwife either as didn’t want to waste their time so couldn’t have got help there.

Pregnancy hormones can really mess with your mind. I’m now 5 days post abortion and it’s amazing how different I feel, my mind is so much clearer now.

Hope everyone is doing ok. I really wish there was more help and awareness for antenatal depression :(.

Hi Midthirtiesgirl,

If I could give you any advice, DO NOT terminate your pregnancy. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I wish I had found this thread before I made that decision. I had no idea what prenatal depression was. I never had it with my previous two pregnancies (and I have no history of depression or anxiety). I thought similar things like you are thinking now: is my body trying to tell my that this pregnancy isn't right, I hope I miscarry, etc. This is all part of prenatal depression. Unfortunately, I found this out too late. I would talk to your GYN about how you are feeling and see what kind of help you can get.

I have two kids and they are the biggest joy of my life. You and your partner WILL be okay and a baby will probably bring you closer. No matter how bad the pregnancy gets, please continue with it, you will not regret it; but I'm pretty sure you may regret terminating it.

I wish someone had given me this advice when I was pregnant, but I mostly got it was okay to terminate if I felt it was the right thing to do. But when you are experiencing prenatal depression, you really aren't in a good position to make life-changing decisions like that. I planned my pregnancy like you did. I planned it because I wanted a baby! Sadly, a few weeks of anxiety and the wrong support enabled me to make a decision that was so very wrong for me.

You are in such a better position than most of us on this thread, you are still pregnant and don't have to feel the pain that we feel for terminating ours. I hope this helps you!

Ladies I know this thread is old but your experiences are identical to mine. I’m two weeks post abortion and I just feel suicidal. I have two kids to care for and I thought I was making the right decision for our family. It was unplanned and now I realise I had depression. I’m drowning in grief and I would love if one of you could PM me or reply on this post with how you’re doing now. I need hope that I won’t always feel like this.

Hi Feelingtender,

I'm so happy you found this post. You are not alone. Many women have been in your position. I was exactly where you are 5 years ago. I do want you to know that you can be happy again and find peace. You will need to put in the work though. First, I would suggest talking to a therapist. This helped me so much in the beginning to sort through everything that happened and gave me tools to start healing. Secondly, take care of yourself. Try to exercise, eat nutritious food, and get proper sleep. Those were all very difficult things for me in the beginning, especially the sleep, but I really worked to at least exercise and try to eat. (I had no appetite.) Thirdly, have compassion for yourself. We are all human and are imperfect. It took me a while, but I was able to accept that I am not perfect and made a very wrong decision for myself. Yet, I am still a good person with good intentions. Be kind to yourself, you are human.

My kids were my main motivation to get better. I hated myself at the time, but I love them immensely. I did everything I could to get better for them. This thought process may help you in the beginning to keep going and keep trying to heal. Eventually, you will learn to love yourself again.

I still think of everything that happened from time to time. It makes me sad still, but no longer sends me into a deep depression. I reflect on it and can move on. I can honestly say I have found happiness and joy again. I have also found I have tremendous gratitude for what I have. I had never been that low in my life before, so when I got better, everything good in my life seemed so much brighter. I treasure everything so dearly. It also made me really look at myself and make some changes. I really wanted to understand how I could make a decision so wrong for me; but again, we are all human and not perfect.

I hope this helps you. You will be okay. Just please seek some professional help. I really feel that this will make a difference in your healing process. Deal with everything you are feeling and sort through it. You can heal and still have a happy life. I can't say this enough, be kind to yourself.

@findinghope I can’t tell you how much your reply means to me. It’s given me so much hope for the future because right now I can’t believe I’m not going to feel like this forever. I’m so glad you’ve found peace and happiness again that’s all I pray for. Thank you for all the advice you’ve given me especially about the sleeping and eating. I’m not eating and hardly any sleep and it’s just horrible. I was not prepared for feeling this way at all. I have sought some professional help and will try anything to not feel this way. It will be hard work I know but I will get there for my kids. I have to ❤️

@Feelingtender Just hang in there and keeping working on healing. Time will help. Your kids are so worth the fight. You will be okay. ❤

@Feelingtender and @findinghope are you still there? I loved your post and it brought me so much hope to hear how you are now. Xx

Thank you for sharing your story. I know this post is late. I was in the same situation as you 2 months ago. I'm still depressed during the day. I hope I will be able to find peace again