A gentle thread for those starting again after a difficult pregnancy, miscarriage etc.

[woollyjo]

I've just discovered I am 5.5 weeks pregnant.

In the last 2 years I have had 2 mcs and our dd2 was stillborn at term.

So I don't feel like I fit into the antenatal threads, and don't want to frighten anyone with my experiences.

Anyone else out there who needs a gentle thread?

Good evening all.

I am feeling much better, especially with the glass of wine I have just taken (medicinally of course ). I am feeling more like my normal self again, helped by some retail therapy today with my family.

sh77 - are you keeping active at the moment. I do find that the more I move around the quicker it seems to end. Oh boy does it feel bad that I have had so many that I can now say that type of thing! But I suppose 6 miscarriages are not that many compared to some women. Also, with my miscarriages being so early I have had less bleeding in some than in a normal period. This time included, my bleeding was fairly light and I am now just spotting already. So I guess I am going to get away lightly again. As soon as I pass the sac I find the cramps fairly much disappear. I would alao echo boopens recommendation for painkillers. I hope you find it easier soon too.

keevamum - soory to hear you are bleeding too. have you had it confirmed yet as a m/c or are you still waiting to find out?

Hope the weekend is ok for everyoneelse

Good evening

Willit - good to read that you are feeling better. Still no major bleeding for me.

keevamum - hope everything will be ok for you.

My whole family had to coax me to get out of bed today to go out and walk. I don't know if I am having a mini depression episode but I just can't face going out (let alone my room except for essential functions). I have been like this for three weeks now. I am sure this is why things are not moving naturally. Worried that my muscles will atrophy! My mum and sister were in tears as they can't see me like this. I feel so shit for this but too much has happened in the past 6 months I don't have it in me to be strong. Maybe when this is all over.

Anyway, I tried retail therapy also. Feel better for going out.

xx

Willit I came across this on the Royal College of Obs and Gynae site. It lists in detail the recommended tests for recurent MCs. I know that you have had some tests but this may be worth a read.

www.rcog.org.uk/files/rcog-corp/uploaded-files/GT17RecurrentMiscarriage2003.pdf

Hello everyone
Just thought i'd pop in and say hi
Sorry to those who have recieved bad news and the very best of luck to those who are plodding on with their pregnancy.
All is ok here, recovered physically from the miscarriage the mental side I suspect will take a bit longer and I have found myself retreating back into my shell. Back on different anti d's but doc has said if we do decide on another pregnancy then they are safe to take.
Hospital appt next week with the miscarriage clinic for start of the investigations and tests.
I will keep loking in and maybe will back with good news in the not to distant future.

Anyone else inject heparin/clexane daily? I've got a bump under the skin from where I injected on Saturday & not sure if it's anything to be worried about. Any advice? Tried calling NHS Direct but they're only taking urgent calls (damn swine flu!).
Hey Hairy - nice to hear from you, be gentle on yourself & take good care. At least they are starting to investigate so you may get some answers. Hope you're back with us soon. Good luck x
Willit & Sh77 - same goes for you - take very good care of yourselves.
Thinking of you xx
Hope everyone else is doing ok x

Hi,

Not injecting anything daily but my arm still bloody hurts from the swine flu jab I had on Saturday.

Had my nuchal bloods today and they offered to scan me to check the size so the consultant's scan is at a good time to do the nuchal. I agreed then crapped myself as I was on my own and what if it was bad news? as it was all was fine until she played the heartbeat and then I fell apart as the last time I had been listening out for a heartbeat was when I was in labour with Niamh, and there wasn't one. The sonographer was very nice but it did make me realise that this pg is going to be way harder than I expected. I had thought once I had run the mc gauntlet that I would be ok.

Sorry to mention this when some of you ladies are having such a difficult time but needed to put it out there.

No need to apologise woolly. Really pleased that everything is fine and hope it continues this way. I read one of your posts on another thread yesterday and hadn't realised that you had a stillbirth. I know it isn't something we recover from but hope this pregnancy brings you much joy. Do you mind me asking how soon you became pregnant after Niamh? Took me 3 cycles after my daughter passed away but maybe I wasn't ready. Who knows.

Onemorebaby - get the bump checked out for peace of mind. How long did it take you to discover you had a clotting disorder? I am waiting for some repeat blood tests to establish whether I have Protein C deficiency. Fisr batch came back abnormal.

Gosh I am being a nosy cow today.

Willit - thinking of you.

I called the hospital this morning to book in for ERPC. I asked the nurse to confirm that there was no scarping involved. She said she was 90% sure there wasn't but I sai I needed her to be 100% sure. Waiting for her to call back but she said there may not be any appoitments this week. In that case, I guess natural loss will take place. Sick of this saga.

Wet weather today so I am in the office - clearly not doing much work!

I fell pg on my second cycle and have done for all my last 4 pgs (didn't event think about it with dd). Its a family trait to catch quick apparently. The Dr did warn me that they thought my uterus may not be ready for a few months though - here's hoping it is.

Hi All,
Sorry I've not been on much, I'm having a bit of a down time with Bertie's six month Birthday coming up on sunday and then his anniversary the following week.
I'm sorry to hear that others are having a rubbish time off it.
Sh77, sorry to hear that the natural loss is taking so long. Hopefully it will either speed up or you can get an ERPC booked. Did you try the acupuncture?

Willit, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you are doing ok. Well done on the forward thinking about getting the SF jab though..

Keevamum. sorry to hear what you are going through too. I hope that you have managed to get it checked out.

Hairy Clairy, lovely to "see" you drop in. fingers crossed you will be back here very soon with good news.

One baby, I think you should pop and get the lump checked out. If nothing else ts good for your peace of mind.

Woolly, I think that we are definitly in for emotional turmoil throughout these pregnancies. I also thought things would get easier after the 12w scan, but at nearly 14w I am still petrified. So pleased all was ok in the scan though.

Well I've been struggling both with feeling guilty about Bertie and tellilng people that I am PG. I guess the two are intertwined I just feel so bad when people are happy for us that it is all just so soon after loosing Bertie.
Anyway, sorry for being so down.
Love to all..

Gosh, this trying to have a baby lark is VERY trying, isn't it?

Woolly - the heartbeat thing must have brought everything back with a very sharp jolt - well done for being strong & getting through it, must be so difficult.

I spoke to my consultant yesterday & the lump is nothing to worry about! Phew!

Sh77 - hope things hurry along for you - it's all bad enough without this is it/isn't it physically happening - hope you're ok. It took 3 years & 3 mcs to establish with a simple blood test that I've got Factor V Leiden - I'm a bit bitter as my last mc would've possibly not happened if I'd known before & been on the medication - saw heartbeat etc then it all went wrong. But no point dwelling . . .

Keevamum - hope you've got some answers & it's good news?

Mrs - try to stay positive. (((((Big hug)))))It must be such mixed emotions that you & Woolly are feeling, I really do feel for you you both.

LillaB - you ok? You haven't been around much lately - hope you're alright?

Hope everyone else is ok x

Thanks for everyone who has asked after me. So far I think the little bean is still there, but I am still bleeding with clots as well so I don't feel too hopeful. I had a scan at the EPU which showed the bean and heartbeat but I have been in this position before where I had an early positive scan and it still went wrong....as I have never got to the investigation stage, would I be doing any potential harm by taking junior aspirin?

I HATE this waiting and not knowing (but knowing really in my own heart iyswim)

Ive done nothing over the last 2 days. Rang in sick. stayed in PJs
Just had a shower and got dressed as i promised i would pick ds up from school.

Going out for dinner tonight with a friend and dont feel like it.
I havent told her at all anything because, well i feel embarrased and stupid.

Small amount (tiny) of brown discharge that just comes and goes. No pain except in boobs and back ache. Not period type back ache...siting too long in one position back ache.

Scan tomorow, but what if it shows this sac still empty?
What do i ask?
I want to wait a few more weeks to make absolutely sure.

Why can i not have what normal people have?

I am sorry for joining in with a very downbeat message, and I realise that for all of you this journey is extremely difficult and trying, for various reasons. And some, such as myself, have not been lucky again, and I feel with all of you.

Since we had the D&C this time I have been going through a really rough time. The hcg is not going down, the mole seems to grow back, doctors cannot decide if to start chemo or not. I have another half year at least ahead of me before thinking about TTC. I cry at the sight of every baby, and it is getting increasingly difficult to meet friends who have children. It is very tough to try holding it together, and at times I start asking myself if I am already depressed. I have always been someone who could deal with difficult situations relatively easily and pragmatically, but this time I feel it is different and I really struggle.

I have been asking myself a lot lately. WHY? I know there is no asnwer, and the questions are not helping: Why can it not be easy as for so many other women; is there a reason for this; is it not meant to be? Unfortunately I find it very difficult to remain positive, as I don't really see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I apologise to all of you for this very selfish message, but I needed to get these words off my heart. My DH has been dealing with a lot, and I know he is very down himself, so I don't want to always burden him with all of this.

Thank you to all of you for always being there to listen.

Evening all,

Keevamum - I think asprin is off the menu but paracetamol is ok.

Sunburntatats - Why on earth do you feel embarrassed and stupid? I'm certain you are not daft and a mc or bleeding during pg is crap but nothing to be embarrassed about. The more I learn about this baby lark I think almost anything is normal and it is alot harder for alot more people than I ever imagined.

Joesgirl- You are having a really shit time and you are fully entitled to explore the full crappiness of it. You will need to grieve the loss of the baby (any wanted pg that doesn't work out at any stage is a loss in my book) and you need to come to terms with your medical condition and recovery. Ride it out and allow yourself to feel rubbish it must be impossible to do it any other way.

I completely understand the crying at the sight of babies. Why is the whole world heavily pregnant or sporting newborns and every other ad on the tv is for nappies when you are having a mc?

After Niamh's stillbirth the world was full of BFing mums which I found hugley upsetting and it made my boobs hurt.

Just a BIG HUG for everyone - life is really , really difficult sometimes but I'm a true believer that things can only get better so hang in there.
((((((Group hug)))))))

woollyjo, thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it. I am thinking about getting some counseling if it does not get better -- sometimes one needs to speak to an outsider, especially as I don't feel like talking to anyone

keevamum, baby aspirin (75mg) is ok but I guess you should at least speak to your GP/consultant; it is often prescribed as part of any anti-clotting treatment (I was on fragmin and baby aspirin due to my clotting disorder)

sunburn - just want to say congratulations again!

keevamum - when I saw my consultant yesterday, he said that I should take asprin in next preg as it does no harm but I agree with joesgirl that you should get it cleared with your docs.

joesgirl - sorry you are going through health issues on top of everything else. You are perfectly entitled to feel the way you are. It is better to work through it rather than supress it as it will manifest itself in other ways.

Today I feel like I wish the ground would swallow me up. Had my daughter lived, she would have been 7 months today. Tomorrow, it will be exactly 7 months since she passed away - the day I am having my erpc. How bloody awful. Let's hope everything will go fine.

I have stopped asking why me because I will never be able to answer it. Today, my husband said that he hoped we have some good news soon and I said I don't expect anything anymore. We just have to deal with whatever life throws at us.

Well, I am glad this saga will come to end tomorrow. Thankfully, insurance company will cover it and so my consultant said he will send the tissues off for analysis, do swabs and throw in some clotting tests. I told him to be as gentle as possible as I don't need any other problems right now.

Right, that's my moan over.

thanks shh, i never thought i would get here, never in a million years.

I know that i should be really really happy and joyful, but the thing sticking in my head is, that i still have such a long way to go and so many things can go so very wrong.
I think that this is because it just goes so wrong for me every time.

The other thing is other people. I just want to switch off to them telling me about people they know who are pregnant because in my experience, for every 3 people anouncing thier pregnancy i always am the 1 in 3 who miscarries. So if i dont know of any one else, it cant come true...sigh

Its So hard to get out of the negative cycle

There is hope out there xx

Its blowing a hooley out there tonight!

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow ssh hope it goes according to plan.

sh77 - thinking of you today and hoping it went as well as can be hoped.
thanks for posting on here sunburn, you have given us hope and I am sure this is your time so try and relax and enjoy this pregancy x

Sunburn - I just saw your other thread - congratulations! hope all continues to go well foy you and the little bean.

Sh77 - how are you? hope it all went as you hoped.

Hi everyone

Hope you are all as well as can be.

ERPC went as I had hoped. My consultant had already spoken to the nurses and anaethetist about my history and they were all so amazing. It was very touching. I just remember crying in theatre before it took place and the anaethetist offering me tissues and talking to me. After that, I woke up to a silly nurse (the exception) who asked if I would be trying again - I was too knocked out to speak my mind. I have no pain and minimal bleeding. Consultant sent the tissue off for testing and took swabs and my blood for more clotting tests.

I do feel very relieved it is over. I couldn't go on any longer waiting for the natural loss. Now, I just need to focus on healing and living again for a few months without the burden of TTC.

Please could someone tell me what a sac looks like once passed? I did pass a really big clot this morning before ERPC but wasn't sure if it was just a clot or the sac. Would you just know when you passed the sac?

xx

I hope nobody minds me posting on this thread as I'm not pregnant or ttc.

My 3rd child died in utero when I was 19 weeks pregnant. My subsequent pregnancy was very thoroughly monitored, which backfired when, halfway through the pregnancy, my consultant found a potentially severe problem with the baby that made me a nervous wreck for the rest of the pregnancy. As things turned out, my daughter was fine and is now a wonderful healthy 4 year old. But it was a horrible, frightening time.

I think that after a loss, the next pregnancy is almost inevitably one to endure, rather than enjoy. All I cared about was being handed a live baby. If I was asked about a birth plan I just looked blank - my pregnancy and birth plan was to have a live baby, nothing more. And once you have lost your innocence about pregnancy having a happy ending, you can't go back to that lovely state of innocence and optimism. You become a "case" at the hospital, with a big fat file with stickers on it. But when I became pregnant again a few years later, I really wanted to try to cope with some of that anxiety and the reason I'm posting is in case any of you can benefit from the things that helped me.

I learned hypnosis techniques, which involved 3 sessions with a teacher (in my case an independent midwife). We had 1-to-1 lessons as I wasn't comfortable with other pregnant women. I listened to the CD every day and it was very relaxing, and gave me a chance to think about my baby and consciously relax and bond with her. Even in my darker moments when I feared that she would die in utero, I knew that I'd had some special time with her each day.

I saw a homeopath who gave me a remedy for the panic attacks that I sometimes had when I thought I would lose the baby. I know this isn't everyone's cup of tea but I found it helpful.

I booked a doula with whom I could discuss my plans for the delivery of my baby. I had a lot of fears about delivery, based partly on sad memories of the night I was in labour with my dead baby (in the same hospital) and partly on the delivery of my subsequent baby when I was so distressed and frightened. Little things, like a superstitious fear of a particular lift, of recognising the delivery room as being the one I'd been in before - I could leave all of those in the hands of the doula. She was a very calming, nurturing presence during my pregnancy.

I hope I'm not out of line in posting - please forgive me if I am. I wish all of you well.

x

Hey Rolf
Thanks for sharing your experience. I am sorry for your loss and the stressful pregnancy. Your experince goes to show the docs do get it wrong and there is hope. I agree that loss makes you lose the innocence of pregnancy. In my first pregnancy, I never looked at any forums or read about complications as I didn't think anything would go wrong given all scans and blood tests were fine. In this pregnancy/MC, I have read so much, which has wound me up to be honest but has also been helpful as I have been able to question my doctors and push for tests. I wish you all the best.