Devastating anomaly scan - please help

[Cantdothisagain]

This might get too long - I hope someone will read and reply!

I am 20 weeks pregnant and the anomaly scan showed very low amniotic fluid and probably no kidneys, although the view was very poor so we're being sent to a fetal medicine centre on Wednesday morning for another look as our hospital couldn't be sure 100%. Anyway I know the prognosis for either almost no amniotic fluid or no kidneys is very bleak. Has anyone been through this?

We have one DC already of 2, and lost a baby last year to a chromosomal disorder at 13 weeks. I am already facing up to the horror of termination because if my hospital is right and the baby has no kidneys, this condition is always fatal.

I have told nobody about this pregnancy except our parents because the last pregnancy was so traumatic and I've been so anxious over this one, although I relaxed stupidly after the 12 week mark. Luckily I've managed to conceal it despite reaching 20 weeks - it may be the lack of fluid that is making me not show, I now realize, though I was the same with my 2 year old so the small bump didnt concern me.

Anyway I am obviously facing time off work, and my work is the sort of place where people gossip. My boss is utterly indiscreet and tells everyone everything. I can't bear people knowing and saying consoling things; I know from last time I just need to grieve at home. Would my GP write me a sick note that wouldn't say what was going on, does anyone know, or would she not be able to do that?

I can't believe this is happening. The consultant insists there's no link between kidney failure and the chromosomal problem we had last time. But as I said I'm seeing specialists on Wednesday. I am part numb and part just want to lie down and howl. But I'm trying to keep it together for my 2 year old who needs me.

Please be gentle with me....

cantdothisagain I'm sure you will already have the info but please visit

sands

everyone on there knows exactly what you are going through right now. It's very helpful to have people to talk to, ladies post on there literally hours after their little ones have passed as it's a bit of a relief to be amongst others who have suffered and really undersatnd the devastating time you are going throgh.

Stella is such a beautiful name, I'm sure that she will always be watching you and whenever you want her near, she'll be there.

Take it easy, it's very early days. x

How are you doing today cantdo? Is DD around today? I can totally relate to what you say about having a LO around to help keep you going. My DS1 was 2 at the time we lost our second boy, Henry, and he really helped keep me on track.

I totally agree with daftbat that I never say the word termination with people, I always say that Henry was just born very premature, which is true. The specific nature is not something I go into because its so personal.

Like you I had my son cremated and have a name plaque in the baby section of the cemetary which is just the most heatbreaking place . I've also kept all my items related to Henry in a keepsake box (including a CD with all my photos of him). Something else which I did which you may consider is getting an item of jewelry that represents Stella? I've got a necklace with 3 silver pebbles on with an embedded birthstone representing the months my 3 sons were born in. I never take it off and is a way I keep my boys together. It may sound silly but it makes me feel that I'm acknowledging Henry as much as my 2 living sons even if only a handful of people know he existed.

Hope you're doing OK - Thinking of you x

Hi everyone

Thanks for the SANDS link, Liaghen - I haven't got that far yet but I will/should.

Chooster, the necklace is a lovely idea. I am now wondering if I could get a star charm or something akin to represent Stella. Which I chose precisely because it means 'star' and I wanted a positive image to hold onto.

I am very very tired today. I think that exhaustion is cushioning me somewhat. DD is at nursery today - am going to get her shortly. I needed just to lie down for a while today because my limbs felt like they had given up.

Still working out how to do the CAT thing. I'm not very good at this!

Poppy, have managed to CAT now. It was just a case of paying some money!

Is it odd to feel guilty? I feel so guilty, as though I failed my daughter, even though carrying her to term wouldn't have saved her either. I suppose I feel guilty although rationally I know I am not guilty...

I've just ready your story and my heart and tears go out to you.

It's perfectly normal to feel guilt when grieving. Anyone who has lost a close family member or had a miscarriage, will be able to confirm that.

You know you have nothing to feel guilty about, this was all out of your hands.

It will be a rollercoaster of emotions, but be strong and ride the storm ((hug))

I think the guilt is because giving birth to the baby creates a bond that is different from an early miscarriage, much stronger and more intense. I am not trying to say early miscarriage isn't awful and I lost a baby at 13 weeks last year too but it didn't induce guilt in me like this, nor did I feel I had lost a real person in quite such an intense way. I am just thinking aloud on here because you've all given me the space to do so.

DD has worked her magic though and I am now more tired than guilty - toddlers sure have energy...

I felt guilty too, it is because we put the events in motion that led to the birth of our babies (even though rationally there was only the choice between that and losing our babies later on ).

The feeling faded as I became more accepting of the situation and was able to get things a little more into perspective.

cantdo I have had 3mcs and I remember feeling guilty that my body couldn't do the job it was supposed to do grow and look after my babies. I think guilt is a very normal feeling at this time.
Glad your dd is helping you through this
take carex

Oh God, I'm so sorry to hear your news big hugs to you x I don't really have any advice but have had 2 mc's myself one at 8 weeks and one at 12 weeks which was 3 weeks ago, I went to my GP to be signed off for my current mc and she actually asked me what I wanted to be put on the sick note. As everyone at my work knew I was pregnant I told her to tell the truth but you gp should definitely be descreet if that is your wish.

xx

Feeling guilty is totally natural cantdothis - but you know that rationally there is no reason to feel guilty. You did the best for your child even though it was a heartbreaking choice. You made the hard decision for her.

But you are right, having a labour and giving birth to your baby early is traumatic and I think it creates a different emotion to an earlier miscarriage which doesn't involve labour. I'm probably not saying this very well as all situations when a baby is lost are awful.

Hi, cantdo. I hope you are feeling less guilty now.I agree with HumphreyCobbler that it is because we started the labour that we feel guilty. ut we shouldn't we did the best we could for them and induced early to spare them pain. I was almost 25 weeks and J was really squashed by then - it really was kinder to end it sooner rather than later, believe me.

Still thinking of you and sending my love.

Have you been to see the Dr yet? I'm wondering if they have been able to put your mind at rest with regards to your note?

xxx

I've just read your thread and I'm so terribly sorry, Cantdothisagain.

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I deon't know you. I've never met you. But I just wanted to offer my condolences to you and your family and let you know that you are one of the most amazing women. I hope that the coming days, weeks and months will lessen the pain of your loss. And I hope that you have some good people around you to wrap you in the love and support you need. xxx

Thank you again for all your support - I have really appreciated it and I value it so much.

Daftbat, my little girl was incredibly squashed too. It was very evident that she couldn't have survived.

Chooster, the guilt will go, I'm sure,and I do cling to the fact that we couldn't save our children, and we did what we could. The best we could, which isn't enough.

Georgiegirl, I am very weak and very sad. I am trying to cope because if I don't I can't be a good mummy to my toddler. But part of me just wants to lie down and scream because it seems so unfair.

I am managing, though. I never knew the world could crash down and you could carry on - thankfully I didn't need to know.

Thank you all again. x

Hi CDTA

Words are so inadequate at times like this, but i wanted to share with you a little quote that has seen me through some tough times when i was consumed with guilt and eaten up by the 'could i have done this/what if i'd done that' thing

'It's not about finding the answers, it's about learning to live with the questions.'

I hope that you find peace, CDTA. Much love to you and your family.

Hi CDTA,

It is truly amazing what you can cope with when you have to; but I agree it would be better not to have to find out.

I hope you have sorted your Drs note and that has put your mind at rest.

Still thinking of you

xxx

Cantdothisagain, I am sending you my best wishes. I'm sorry you have had to go through this, and I hope in time that you can take comfort in the photos and prints that you have of Stella.

Thank you all again for your kind words.

Stella's funeral is on Wednesday at 9 am. She will be cremated, and one of my DD's tiny teddybears plus a note of love and goodbye from mummy and daddy will be in the casket with her.

I possibly won't post here again as it is acutely painful to click on Pregnancy here, and also I know other pregnant people won't want to read this news. If you do want to talk to me, please CAT me (I've signed up for it now!) or I'm in antenatal testing in the support for termination thread. Meanwhile thank you all for the support which has honestly meant so much. I am bearing up, and life is going on, as hard as it can be. My DD keeps me sane, and we're getting there. But thank you all again for reaching out to me.

Will be thinking of you on Wednesday.

Hello there

I had an induced labour some three weeks ago after showing no/low amniotic fluid at 20 weeks and again after a scan 10 days later. I had signs of infection starting (and labour started on its on accord and they helped it along with the induction). I am bearing up but I hope your news at the clinic is more positive. If it isn't let me say that it's not a great time but you will come through it, and some of the pain does ease. My midwife/doctors signed me off for two weeks and said I could get more signed off time from my doctor's. She certainly said that I could be off for six weeks, so please don't worry that you won't have time to grieve. Myself, I have found it better coming back to work after 3 weeks and to keep busy but I know that it's not necessarily the right thing for everyone. Also, I was worried about having to have lots of consoling chats from people (which I thought would just tip me over the edge) but most people have been gently kind and not mentioned anything unless I have. Or if they have mentioned anything they have been discreet and not gone on. It's not as bad as I feared. People in these circumstances are quite kind but not intrusive. I do know the pain so my heart goes out to you but remember that it will ease. xxxx