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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Baby hand-me-downs gripe

113 replies

Poppet45 · 15/04/2009 16:44

Bah humbug...
Sorry to sound like a real ungrateful mare but this is our first little one, money is going to be very tight and as we're moving halfway across the country when I'm around 7-8 months pregnant we're starting to amass our little hoard of baby things now.
We have loads of family and friends who have had little ones in the last five years, and they keep saying 'ooh yes we'll sort you lots of things out'.
What have we ended up with? Eight soft toys FFS... one of which is very likely to even be the wrong colour if my little one is a boy as all the sonographers suspect, and the generous benefactor has also been told that. Oh and then we tried to get a freecycle pushchair from this woman who stipulated 'no time wasters' then she expertly arranged for us to come round as she was feeding her baby was incredibly rude, wouldn't show us how it even folded down and palmed off a filthy buggy, covered in I suspect vomit, and also missing a wheel, which she insisted had been pulled off it overnight. Honestly, it feels like we're being used as garbage collectors.
Am starting from scratch with an NCT nearly new sale and eBay. Can you lovely ladies between you suggest the bare minimum a babe needs in terms of furniture and equipment and clothes and I'll use it to tick it off as I go. PS I'm expecting a lovely little summer baby.
Thanks.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
sweetkitty · 15/04/2009 18:22

Sorry misdee you are right I did say £20 further down.

It's spending that extra £2 a week made me dizzy

cyteen · 15/04/2009 18:23

That cuts both ways though eh ramona? The OP's tone hasn't exactly been empathetic.

Not to deny my own bitchiness of tone, of course

diplodocus · 15/04/2009 18:23

Agree with Ramonaquinby. It's annoying to be given stuff that is of no use, particularly by people who have kids and should know better.
Save your bile for the "my Mum buys my kids too much expensive stuff. What can I do?" threads that do the rounds over Xmas - now that's ungrateful. They are pretty galling for those of us who don't have parents and feel our kids are missing out on a relationship with them.

cyteen · 15/04/2009 18:26

Everything's galling to someone though. I find the OP's attempt at hardship top trumps pretty galling, as I'm sure do many of the other people who've been less than kind here.

Tryharder · 15/04/2009 18:27

Definitely put a "wanted" on freecycle. I have just arranged to pick up a pushchair tomorrow from freecycle. Don't know what it's like where you are but there's tonnes of baby stuff going begging on my freecycle.

Also charity shops and jumble sales (things look grubby but wash up fine IME). Don't bother with a baby bath, don't bother with a moses basket unless you can get one from a charity shop or freecycle.

If you are looking to have a baby on the cheap , I would suggest co-sleeping, breastfeeding and using cloth nappies. Breastfeeding is the biggie as formula is really expensive.

You will also find that once your baby is here, people will give you loads of stuff particularly clothes.

Sorry, just repeating what others have said really. Having a baby is such an industry nowadays that people honestly think they can't get by without spending hundreds on new gear.

CassORole · 15/04/2009 19:10

Not sure how to quote but I have to agree with Cyteen. It cuts both ways.

izzymom · 15/04/2009 19:38

Poppet - sounds like you're feeling generally fed up, which I think is pretty understandable. DH lost his mum shortly after birth of DS and I know he finds it hard that he doesnt have someone from his side to make a fuss of DC's. We also moved when I was 8 mnths pg with DD, was hard work doing everything ourselves and we had help from my family.

I am pg with DD2 and have been donated a few boys clothes which yu would be welcome to. Again, CAT me if you want them. This baby was a bit of a surprise and we had donated most of our baby stuff of freecycle, but tbh people have been v.generous, have had to buy very little. However, some people who have offered us things have seemed worried that we would be offended at the offers, so perhaps you need to be bit clearer with people that you are happy to accept what they have to offer??

Good luck with the move, let me know if you're interested in clothes.

mogwai · 15/04/2009 19:48

I think the OP was clearly expecting lots of lovely mumsnetters to send her some stuff.

If she had worded her posts differently, I might well have done so.

Unfortunately she comes across as aggressive and presumptive.

People will offer you the stuff they don't want - hence the cuddly toys. I have tons of stuff in my attic from my first baby but I'd never have given it to friends/family when I thought there was a chance I'd need it myself for another baby (with the exception of my travel cot, which was donated to me).

I've had no help of any kind from either set of grandparents.

I think the OP has wider issues with having lost her mother - that comes across loud and clear. I guess it's a time she feels she needs her mum - I can understand that as have no maternal support myself - but she needs to be careful how this comes across because it comes across as aggression.

morningpaper · 15/04/2009 19:56

You really don't need much

Vests
sleepsuits
nappies
tits

all the rest is not really necessary

You WILL need a car seat though because you are very unlikely to be able to get home on a bus after giving birth

Portoeufino · 15/04/2009 20:23

I'm going to be easy on the OP though I think it did come over a bit harsh. You're having your first child and things are tight. Suggest rewording OP

Sorry to sound like a real ungrateful mare but this is our first little one, money is going to be very tight and as we're moving halfway across the country when I'm around 7-8 months pregnant we're starting to amass our little hoard of baby things now.

We have loads of family and friends who have had little ones in the last five years, and they have said that they can provide lots of of things for baby.

They have given us eight soft toys

Oh and then we asked through freecycle for pushchair from a woman who stipulated 'no time wasters' who offered us a filthy buggy, covered in I suspect vomit, and also missing a wheel, which she insisted had been pulled off it overnight.

I am starting from scratch with an NCT nearly new sale and eBay. Can you lovely ladies between you suggest the bare minimum a babe needs in terms of furniture and equipment and clothes and I'll use it to tick it off as I go. PS I'm expecting a lovely little summer baby.
Thanks.

atigercametotea · 15/04/2009 20:48

I thought the same as you Mogwai, but what little baby stuff I have left, I'd like to see it go to someone who would appreciate it and not moan that it's the wrong colour or not up to standard.

Having said that, the OP has had several offers of clothes so hopefully that should sort her out.

OP - you need very little, in any colour really as baby won't care and may not be in it for very long.

TheHedgeWitchIsNAK · 15/04/2009 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hedgiemum · 15/04/2009 20:54

I wish I could give you the things I gave my cousin last year OP - my mum asked me to give some things for my 19 year old, single, cousin, which I duly did, even though some of them I'd have used again as was planning more children. I gave a graco pushchair with car seat (3 years old) as had moved onto phil and teds, multiple clothes (though all the cheaper brands; I kept all the designer ones for my next DC), a playgym and a few first toys as we had loads, a bouncy chair as I had 2, etc.. etc.. I also cleaned it all thoroughly - and I hate cleaning!
The next week, my mum dropped it round, and her sister phoned her a few days later to say "we dropped it all into a charity shop as Jxxxxx's baby is going to have the best of the best and everything new!"

I was
My poor mum was

At least you aren't "too good" to accept handmedowns!

practical advice;
Baby bath a waste of space (and money). Bath them in the sink.
Do a bit of research on slings, I've wasted money on one's that don't work for me at all.
At some point you'll find it useful to have a carseat for when others offer you a lift, but don't prioritise it.
You'll need a buggy once the baby is too heavy, to carry alongside shopping, but hold off initially if necessary.
Wait and see if a friend offers a cot or moses basket - if they do you should buy a new mattress for it.
As baby gets bigger, ikea is v. v. cheap for feeding bowls, highchair etc...

If you end up with a difficult delivery (sincerely hope you won't) then walking home will potentially be too painful; come up with some kind of plan b (lift from a friend who owns a carseat??) just in case....

Good luck

Portoeufino · 15/04/2009 21:01

hedgie = that they took your stuff to the charity shop! They could at least have brought in back.

MirandaG · 15/04/2009 21:13

Unfortunately Poppet seems to have been scared off. I don't see anything aggressive about her post - she sounded disappointed and pissed off to me. She didn't actually ask anyone for stuff, they offered it and then gave her cuddly toys, which are a useless waste of space and a buggy that was unusable. I certainly don't think she was hoping for anything from mumsnetters, although it's nice that she did get a few kind offers. Some of the responses on this thread have left a nasty taste in my mouth.

Wallace · 15/04/2009 21:28

I think this is one of those threads where the first couple of posts seem to set the tone for the rest

From the title I was expecting it to be someone moaning that people keep giving them lots of baby stuff, when they just want their daling PFB to have brand new. It's quite refreshing that it isn't.

Glad some people have given good advice about what is needed

MirandaG · 15/04/2009 21:36

I'm truly amazed - I've never seen a response like this before and I lurk a lot and post a bit. Perhaps mumsnet has changed after all...

needsomesleepplease · 15/04/2009 21:37

"And actually people seem to rely on their mums for a hell of a lot when pregnant and after giving birth... and if anything they seem pretty ungrateful about that help, which I'd chew my right arm off for. "

Poppet you have no right to assume that people are ungrateful for help given, yes i am sure there are people out there who are not grateful for the help they get, but I along with eveyone else i know more than appreciate the help we get from family and make dam sure that they know it! I'm sorry to here that you are not in that sitution but it not a reason for you to lash out at others. With your attitude i'm not surprised people arent bending over backwards to help.

BikeRunSki · 15/04/2009 22:06

LOL at everGreensleeves - That's exactly what my mum did!

cory · 15/04/2009 22:21

Some very good advice has been given on this thread. Just to reiterate:

investigate if you can get a grant from Surestart

charity shops can be a real treasure trove; look in their special-offer basket

things like baby baths are unnecessary: the sink will do fine

Moses basket not necessary if you have a cot (which you will need for later anyway) or a pram: ds slept in the pram basket in his cot

baby gyms are ok if you pick them up in the charity shop for tuppence halfpenny, but they're not actually something a baby needs

Poppet45 · 15/04/2009 22:55

Hi all

So I've dared raise my head above the parapet again. I haven't had a single mood swing in this pregnancy but I blamed my hormones when my boss spotted me crying this evening. And I'm not normally a sappy, emotionally needy wreck so cheers for that.

To all those who've helped me compile a list thank you so much, I'm truly grateful, and I'll join them all together then I'm ready to go, charity shops here I come. As for the bus/walking from the hospital thing, we've figured if it comes to the worst, I'm to get a cab and my hubby will take a bus with jnr and my sister for moral support.

To all those who so very kindly offered me items. That's too kind but I really wasn't after charity from strangers, I know I am not as needy as some. I just wanted to express frustration that when you are offered things from friends and family, and when you really need the help, it's gutting when their idea of charity turns out to be the sort that leaves the donor with a fuzzy glow, but the recipient with nothing practical. Like those people who take bags and bags of knackered, unwashed clothes to charity shops and then feel smug while leaving the shop to cope with the mess. Or are you all building massive soft toy collections for your unborns as a priority too? If you don't understand why that might be gutting you obviously weren't really in need of those hand me downs you received from others and were just playing some sort of bizarre ritual. Whoop de doo I hope it was fun. Or do you believe that the poor should be grateful for whatever you hand to them, even if you know it's of no practical use to them, and how dare they think otherwise. Because that's the worst, meanest, lowest form of charity - that's being kind to your own ego at the expense of others.

To those who thought I phrased the first post badly, I'm sorry, I'm used to forums where people write in a pithy, hug free and non-fluffy fashion and also use swear words liberally not because they are really-weely pissed off but just because they still think it's juvenilely amusing. I was attempting to put across my bemused exasperation in what I thought was an amusing fashion. I guess it really, really wasn't. And the stuff about my mum came out once I was already upset so I'm sorry if I couldn't react nicely to being verbally eviscerated by a pack of bored housewives.

And to the others who took three paragraphs or so, scan read them to miss out whole chunks, and then spun a whole life involving spoilt princesses, people on the scrounge for free stuff from strangers on the internet, reckless unplanned pregnancies and spoilt grasping attitudes and chips on the shoulder, I think it says more about your own internal dialogues than mine. What horrible minds you and your righteous indignation inhabit. But thanks for giving me an early taste of the bitchiness of the schoolgate. You'll be the people with all the nice, shiney stuff, and miserable husbands who I'll know to avoid.

So that final group can get back to whinging about how much you'd all do anything to be pregnant, then how you all hate being pregnant, about whether or not to waste money on a doppler to chase your little ones round your belly - heaven forbid it might not be best for the baby as long as it gives you some sort of emotional crutch.
Or why not wail about whether surviving solely on fizzy drinks and chocolate is so bad as it's alllll you can eat, those nasty nasty wasty doctors for not phrasing every sentence to you in an agreeable fashion even when sometimes there isn't a nice way to phrase things and mostly they're worked off their feet and sick of pregnant primadonnas, Or why not ponder whether to chuck your hubby's dog out on the streets because it's your right as a pregnant woman, or whether to ban your inlaws from visiting you because it's your right as a pregnant woman. You could even debate, but not too hard, whether it's your right to be a hideously moody harriden and make other people's lives hell - because you're pregnant, and most pressingly of all the truly righteous indignation that people dare notice you're packing a big fat pregnant belly.

I thought my hubby was being a bit harsh when he looked at some of these threads and thought they were dominated by rather too many spoilt little princess types. I was wrong.

Now go on there's probably a lull in the board, it's getting quiet and a bit boring and you're in need of another victim to gang up on and pummel with some of those charming maternal hormones. So why not inhale another cake and give me another kicking. But do me a favour and actually read EVERY line of this - even if some of you have to move your lips to do it - rather than skim reading as craply as you did the first time.

Phew do I feel better. I think I'll class that as my first - and so long as I keep off this forum - only mood swing of my pregnancy.

OP posts:
everGreensleeves · 15/04/2009 22:58

That

was

AWESOME

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 15/04/2009 23:00

you'll fit in just fine, welcome to MN

love and knuckles in the nest of vipers!

FiveGoMadInDorset · 15/04/2009 23:01

That was impressive.

everGreensleeves · 15/04/2009 23:02

you might even like some of us....

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