Pregnancy After Miscarriage Part VIII - Knicker Checkers and Pad Patrollers welcome

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

Is that ok?

crunchie and ashlieghbee so glad your scans went so well, lovely to see them again I'm sure!

crunch sorry your dh isn't being more supportive. Try not to see it though as more than it is i.e. try not to think this 'proves' he shouldn't have moved back or anything. Try and stay positive

jasmaxxy good that you now have your appointments. sorry it's such sad news but take heart that we've all been there and are now pregnant again. It will help you to move on.

Tamlin fingers crossed for you tomorrow.

As for me, I'm just so tired. Left work early again today and came home to sleep. I can't keep doing this so am going to have to find a way to cope better. Just can't concentrate there at the moment. Luckily it's not some of the faster paced companies I've worked in (I contract in different companies) so am hoping I'll get away with it for now

Crunchie YOU ARE ENTITLED TO FEEL UPSET AND LET DOWN!! But... and it's only a small but... it does sound like he is trying, it's just a question of whether he's trying hard enough and whether he can sustain it I guess. So glad that the scan went well though. It must be incredibly hard to hear him say he's not really interested in the pg, though I think if they're honest a lot of men feel that way, it's not really real for them til the LO arrives. Did he get very involved when you were expecting your DSs? Have you told him you know you were being prickly and it's because you were scared? The problem is I can imagine it might be hard not to turn it into a self fulfilling prophesy iykwim, you're so scared he's going to hurt you again you keep him at arms length to protect yourself and end up pushing him away when he doesn't undertstand why you are behaving as you are (cos men are stupid ) PLEASE don't think for a moment that I am suggesting ANY of this is your fault, I think the way you are feeling is totally understandable after everything you have been through and given the fact that soon you're going to have a beautiful little DD to add to the mix. Is it worth telling him it would mean a lot to you if you could go through the homeopathic stuff together? I know you shouldn't have to, but fwiw I am DEAD sure I would have to with my DH, it's not that he doesn't want the baby, it's just a very different experience for him. I honestly don't think it would occur to him to go though it even if I left it on the side with a flashing neon sign with his name on over it... HTH - if not please disregard the lot until someone more useful comes along!

Tamlin how you doing now? Really hope the spotting has stopped. Will be thinking of you tomorrow. I can't remember how many weeks you are now? Hope you manage to gte some sleep tonight. xx

Jazmaxxy wishing you lots of love for tomorrow, glad they're going to scan you rather than go straight for the erpc, at least then you'll know for sure one way or the other. And I think it's totally natural to wish for miracles, sometimes it feels that's all we have left to us. Will be thinking of you too.

Ashleigh SO glad your scan went well! One of the hospitals here is like that re telling you the sex, they point black refuse to say anything. Apparently it's because there are a large number of people living in the area who, for 'religious'/cultural reasons don't want girls and the hospital don't want to get involved in anything that may end up causing harm to the mother or the baby . No idea if that's true, but it's what I was told when I was under that hospital for my first pg. It may just be that they're worried about getting sued if they get it wrong! 4 more sleeps til we get our chance at finding out what we're having!!

Sydney thanks for your support, maybe I should give my doula the address of this thread so she can see what everyone thinks of her 'advice'?!? I'm going to email her next week and tell her WHY I'm rejecting the 'research' she provided, and while I'm at it get a few things straight about the type of support I EXPECT with pain relief in labour and with bf. If she can't cope with that then we'd better go our separate ways. Am reluctant to do anything rash because firstly, when we met she seemed ok, we spent 1.5 hours with her and got on ok, and secondly because if we terminate the contract we'll have to forfeit our deposit, which we really can't afford to do... How are you doing these days? Have you got your big 18 week scan coming up? (apologies if I'm muddling you with someone else )

DH and I are off to ikea in a bit to see if they have any martini glasses of all things!! They used to do them for about 50p, we're having a party/dinner on saturday night for 21 people for DH's birthday, and he's decided the night won't be complete without a margarita bar... (ponce! ) Not that bothered myself! Although he is talking about setting up a chocolate fountain as well, so at least I know my interests will be catered for!

all of you! Thank you so much for your kind words, it really helps x

tamlin sorry for spelling mistake earlier....I mean much much luck for tomorrow X

Tamlin Funny that you should mention Jane Austen. When I had a D&C a few years back I bought the Pride & Prejudice box set, got the sofabed out and watched the whole 6 hours of it straight through! You're right, no-one does anything as daring as get pregnant or wave a baby around anywhere.

Gentle, that's what I did back in December while clutching my hot water bottle! Great minds...

Yes I had the hot water bottle too! And chocolate.
Perhaps we should come up with a waiting for scan/surgery survival kit?

Tamlin will be thinking of you tomorrow. I have to admit I took a book with me to day surgery and sat there with it in my hand all morning at the same page. Box set of Austen would've gone down a treat post surgery. As it was I overdosed on Sharpe and Topgun cos I'm shallow . I also poured a glass of chilled white wine to go with the chocolate and hot water bottle.
jazmaxxy will be thinking of you too, take care and come back for a chat when you feel ready.

crunchie not sure if this will make you feel any better but I'm a right grumpy cow at the moment . So - I reckon it's related to end stage pg, feeling big, uncomfortable and tired and I haven't had the stress you've been through the past few moths so you are DEFINATELY entitled to feel pissed off. Men definately IMO don't think on the same wave length as us and he's probably going to be totally different when your DD () arrives. I've had to go to most of the scans on my own and my DH couldn't understand why I was snapping on the phone to him the night before the anomaly scan (he figured it had been fine at 16wks so what was I getting my knickers in a twist about .

lola definately have a pop chat back to your doula so she knows to be careful with the quality of evidence she's going to use to support her advice to you. At the end of the day she's supposed to be there to support you to get the birth experience you want (that's my understanding anyway) so she should be paying attention to you and your DH's needs.

I've been really bad today and spent most of it surfing the internet / on mumsnet. Felt guilty then so did the ensuite and bathroom and a pile of ironing. DH is home tonight thank goodness - 12yrs as an army wife and I still can't stand him being away. Today was his official last day - I'm so happy!!!!!!!

Tamlin everything crossed for your scan this morning. I really hope you get some good news.

jasmaxxy take care of yourself this weekend and make sure dh spoils you rotten. I'll be thinking of you on Monday.

Lola glad you're going to talk to your doula. A very good idea to be absolutely sure of her views () on everything. Make sure she knows telling a pregnant woman who has already had multiple scans that scans are dangerous is a bloody stupid thing to do.

scotlass Wish I was allowed to snap

Turns out (d)h has made a few adjustments to all the things he agreed to do last week. His promise to change counsellor as he had become dependent upon her in an unhealthy manner? Nope, changed his mind, can't do without her, it's too hard.

His promise to go to a CBT trained counsellor to complete a course? Nope, his CBT-hating counsellor is going to do it with him (no training and thinks it's rubbish, oh and did I add, I'm apparently going to be providing them with the material for them to work on ).

His promise to attend anger-management training? Oh no, his counsellor is going to do that too so he doesn't have to change.

"It's not your fault I was angry with you, you just make me feel so frustrated that I can't hold it in" - am I being precious thinking that that is saying it's my fault?

DS1 wrote us both a letter saying he wished we could try to get on and that dad had to stop shouting at mum and it was all making him sad. He said that he wanted dad to be home but he couldn't cope with all the arguing. I feel like I've hurt my boys by letting him come back.

Been up half the night trying to work out what to do.

Hope all you lovely ladies are ok.

Oh crunch what a situation. Try and remember you do have choices in this situation even though it appears as though the power all lies with him at the moment. It sounds to me as though this counsellor he's seeing is just feeding his belief that none of it is his fault. That line above you put in just proves it in my opinion.
You can tell him that unless he keeps his promises then he will have to go again - you do know that don't you? You don't have to put up with the changing goal posts - and it doesn't have to spell the end of everything if he does have to leave again. You had an agreement when he moved back, which included all the things above you said he agreed to do. He's gone back on that agreement so the agreement is then off. I've had lots of counselling in my past and I have to say that the ONLY effective ones have been CBT. I've had 2 CBT counsellors and they were both brilliant - they challenge your thoughts and behaviour and get you to think about things, rather than sitting there nodding, saying 'hmm' and 'yes' and allowing you to wallow in being a victim.

You can use the letter from your DS1 as the trigger for the conversation. Poor little lamb is obviously finding it hard, but what a brave and mature chap to write you a letter. What does your (d)h think of the letter?

Am so sorry you're having to go through this stress whilst being heavily pregnant. Remember you are not alone.

Morning all. Gosh what a lot has happened since yesterday!
Tamlin all fingers and toes crossed for your scan today. Hope all turns out well, please post when you feel you can (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))

Ashleighbee I have a lovely midwife who lets me have appointments every two weeks and she dopples me every time. I am lucky I know, but also smart midwife as she was also with me for my last pg so she knows I?ll be a mess until after 24 weeks and the frequent listening in is very reassuring

Congratulations as well on a great scan

Crunchie you poor love ? am v at your not so D H for spoiling what should have been a happy and reassuring scan day. None of this is your fault ? if he can?t get interested in this pg that is his problem, not yours, and I?m sure there is nothing you could have done differently to alter his perception. He cannot blame you for his reactions ? all that should be his responsibility. Time he realised that no-one can ?make? someone else feel anything. Do you think though that once your DD is here he will be much more selfless and family focused?

Jasmaxxy thinking of you today and agree about the Jane Austen ? also Sex and the City hope you are back on here as soon as possible.

Lola thanks so much for remembering ? yes I have a foetal heart scan on the 15th April in London at St George?s. I?ll be 18 weeks and they want to check if this baby has the same heart abnormality as the baby boy I lost in August. I suspect I?ll be all over Mumsnet in the days leading up to that....

Luckily really busy over Easter with friends and family coming so not too much time to whip myself up into a frenzy of panic about it (I hope) and DH will be there with me.
Your party sounds v.glamorous! Have a great time.

Scotlass hooray at having DH home on leave! Know what you mean about not getting used to the long absences but you also have to cope with the danger anxiety too. At least I only have to worry about bears and snakes etc ? much less worrying than people IMO. When are you off in the caravan?

And finally Grinningbee any news on the turf? (ducks for cover)

Thank you thank you thank you

scarlotti I do believe CBT will make him take responsibility for his behaviour and radically change his way of thinking. I think it would be perfect, but I am not going to arrange it for him this time (the way I arranged his GP, his meds, his counsellor) he's a grown man FFS, he can do it himself. I completely agree about the wallowing too. I really think he goes to her, gets a pat on the back and a "there there I'm sure what you did wasn't so bad", and thus removes his responsibility for his actions. He was definitely far more distant and cold after being to talk to her again.

DS1 is a star, H thinks "I'm a terrible terrible person" and did some more wallowing, while I cuddled ds and told him how brave and clever he was to write such a letter. He truly is the best of us

I hope you feel less tired soon.

suze that is my hope. That somehow a magic switch will be thrown the second dd is born and it will fix everything. But something tells me it's going to take a bit of effort on his part and if hurting the dcs he does have doesn't do it, I don't know what will.

I will be thinking about you on the 15th. It must be really hard to have that added fear hanging over you. You're one very brave lady.

scotlass I've just introduced ds1 to my Sharpe boxset (although he's not allowed to watch the 15s yet!). It's so nice to be able to share something with him: he loves the soldiers and I love the swashbucklingness of it all So glad you're getting your dh home, hope he sweeps you off your feet a la Sharpe

Waves hello to everyone!

Apologies to all those with scans/waiting for scans that I haven't offered my support to. I have a memory like a broken sieve at the moment and struggle to remember my own name, let alone dates of other's milestones
Please don't take it as I don't care though, as I do - you've all been such a support to me and I am willing everyone to have succesful pregnancies and births.

Feeling a bit better today. Had acupuncture again last night which seems to have helped a little with the nausea and exhaustion. Have even managed to get some work done here today which is good. I work on short term contracts so will be looking for them to keep me on again from the end of May. Really need to make sure that I keep on top of things between now and then - don't fancy my chances of getting another job if I have to waddle walk into an interview 4 months pg!

Crunchie I can't add to the great advice you've had but wanted to say you seem perfectly reasonable about it all, entitled to be a bit grumpy, and your DS sounds like a total peach.

It's ALIVE, ALIVE I tell you!

Embarrassingly, started to bawl as soon as I saw the fat little gummi bear on the screen, tiny white dot of its heart pulsing away - and that, of course, made my abdominal muscles clench so she lost the picture altogether. Everyone had to wait for me to get a grip so she could continue.

No discernable reason for the bleeding, she said - just one of those things. But it's measuring bang on for nine weeks. Does anyone remember the stats for hb at nine weeks, or should I go digging in the last thread..?

Tamlin I am completely delighted to hear that! How fab

Tamlin

I am so happy for you. You've made my day (I thought nothing would put a smile on my face )

Congratulations! And you're past the dreaded "8 weeks" too! I think the stats are more than 98% survive from this point (correct me if I'm wrong)

Tamlin that's fantastic news . Stats are really high for this one to make it now, correct for dates and hb is music to my ears! Bleeding must be related to cervical erosion I reckon, nothing to worry about according to the nice greek Dr who had the pleasure of checking mine out!

crunchie I feel so much for you, you're really going through an emotional rollercoaster aren't you. Basically the way I see it is you need to lay it down in no uncertain terms you want him to try a different counsellor and give the CBT a go. Counsellors aren't there to be friends but to help people work through their feelings and it doesn't sound like he's moving forward at all. Your gorgeous DS was very brave and mature to write that letter and as a father your DH owes it to you all to take on board and address the issue. It really sounds like he's become dependant on that particular counsellor and can't see it's not actually having any effect. . Anyhow - you can have your snappy / grumpy moments with us, rant away - we'll understand. ((hugs))

Now as for Sharpe - what is it about that man that just does things to me . my DH is lovely in his uniform (worn for the last time yesterday, hurrah) but he appears to have missed the bit in basic training about sweeping me off my feet. He'd just do his back in at the moment

sydney sending lots of best wishes for your scan on 15th April. It must be nerve wracking wondering if the anomaly has reoccurred, what a terrible thing to go through. However you're due good luck so fingers crossed you'll be celebrating. Glad you've a busy easter planned to make the days go faster.

scarlotti glad you're feeling a wee bit better, you're nearly at the stage where you'll feel less tired and nauseous (I hope) so hopefully that timing will be just right for May and them to keep you on.

We're off tomorrow for a week, so I'll miss you all. Secretly hoping I go into labour so I can come home but it'll be good to spend some quality time with DD before the family dynamics change. She keeps hugging me really tight and sighing saying 'this is the last time I'll get to do this' it makes me really quite sad and I keep reassuring her it won't be. 9 is a funny age, she seems so grown up in some ways but in others she's still my baby.

Good afternoon to all!

jasmaxxy I am thinking of you, please let us all know how you are getting on.

Tamlin I am over the moon for you.. I was a googler after every scan before 12 weeks, always searching for that percentage! Even though the 12 weeks is an aparant myth! I have repeatedly said to my other half, i honestly dont think i could recognise the start of a miscarriage as this pregnancy had the same symptoms early on as my miscarriage did.

Crunchie your little boy is such a lovely little man! I could just give him a big Mumsnet cuddle, to me it sounds like you need to find a way to tell DH that it is not acceptable for him to keep seeing this counseller and not taking any other of your points on board as it is taking you 5 steps backwards... This lady does not sound like goodnews - she would probably be the kind of woman to agree with Lola's Doula's 'facts'

Scarlotti I am pleased the accupunctre helps you, are you having it done to specifically target something or is it a broader spectrum?? I have never really thought about it in too much detail but have heard various success stories, do you mind running through the process for me (I know its sticking needles in but for how long, where, what does it target etc)

I am feeling really really tired today.. I really think i am watching myself floating around - should this be the case at 19 weeks and 3 days, I thought i was going to liven up a little bit? We have a corporate event this evening in London that i am supposed to drag myself to, however at the minute i'll be dragging myself home to bed at 5! Anyone have any tips of how i can get through tonight, cancelling is not really that much of an option as 2 ladies at my work already have. Any advice would be massively helpful!

Lola only 3 sleeps to go now! How very exciting! I think you're having a... ohh i have no idea and couldnt possibly guess! I hope that he or she shows you proudly, what time is your scan! I think anytime after Tuesday i'll be plucking the courage up to put my name on the list.. big step!

Scotlass your Little DD sounds lovely, she'll be thinking she has to be much more grown up now that there's a little person arriving that needs everyone to help look after...

My spelling is awful apologies! xx

P.s... Grinningbee, have you any news?!? xx

tamlin am so thrilled for you!! The chances of you taking home a live baby once you see a hb at 8+ weeks is just over 98% so you've made it! The doc that scanned me said that there's no further drop stats wise from 8 weeks to 12 weeks. Apparently, the reason for the 12 week thing is that at 12 weeks the placenta needs a signal from the baby to keep growing. before the days of scans, a woman could have all the pregnancy symptoms up until that point, even when the sac was empty. At 12 weeks there would then be no baby to send the signal and hence the bosy would miscarry. Hence the wait until 12 weeks. Interesting stuff eh?!

scotlass have a lovely hols

ashleighbee I tell the lovely woman that 'does' me how my symptoms are and how I'm feeling and she targets those for my treatment. There are points all over the body that correspond to areas of the body (in v simplistic terms) and the needles are put in these points to target specific things. It's mostly painless, there is the odd point that can feel slightly bruised when the needle goes in, but it's gone in seconds. Length of them staying in varies, but last night for example, she did 3 sets of points with the longest set being left in about 10 mins. the last set was literally in wait a few seconds then out.

As for your corporate event... here's what I'd do ... at about 4:30 get yourself a ncie cup of coffee (one won't hurt!) and something sweet. The novelty of caffiene in your system with the sugar should keep you going for an hour or two, after which you've done your bit and can head home.. Just in time for eastenders

Evening!

Is there any room for me on Conceived Air? Not sure many will remember me, preggers for the fourth time (4+4 only tho, but am gussett reporting already) in 18 months after 3 mcs. This time it'll be OK! It will! It will!

Welcome aboard sussexoldspot, you're among good company - we have some of the best gussett checkers this side of town

Sussex! i remember you. How clever of you to have got up duff again so quickly. Up the olds...

Hooray for tamlin and her gummi bear! What happy news.

Boo for Crunch's DH. I think that for now you should concentrate on you and the babe, and live in your own bubble. If he wants to join you, that's up to him, but your emotional energy's too precious to waste on his nonsense.

What's going on here... Saw physio yesterday for my SPD, which seems to be getting worse. She gave me a ginormo-belt, which holds everything in but I worry that it will squash Cromwell. Is this mad? Physio lady saw me walking, and said 'well, would it be the end of the world if you end up with crutches?' Which was mildly alarming.

Another worry - you know, ahem, one's 'moisture', does anyone else's vary in quantity? I sometimes worry that it might be amniotic fluid. How does one know?

Tamlin!!!!!!!
Yay! Congratulations on your scan and well done to little Gummi

can i join. just found out i was pg after two chemical pregnancies and 1 very very nasty late mis in december. Really really scared and havign just started a job that I love so much incredibly mixed feelings. Feeling crampy and being paranoid already!