Older mums - how did people react when you told them you were pg?

[BonyM]

I found out two weeks ago that I am pg with no.3. Dh and I are very happy (after getting over the initial shock!) but it was unexpected and at 42 I fall well into the "older mother" category.

The only people we have told so far are my good friends that I met when pg with dd2 (who will be 4 in a couple of weeks). They are at least 10 years younger than me and very happy for us, but I am very apprehensive about telling friends who are the same age as me, and my parents. I think they will think we are mad.

I rang to book a private early scan this week and when the secretary asked my date of birth she said "Did you say '66?" in an incredulous tone of voice, and when I said "Yes, I'm an oldey" she remarked that she was 45 and wouldn't want to be doing it at her age.

How have others coped with negative comments?

I had DD at 41 when DS1 was 10 and DS2 was 7.
The only 'comments' I got were the ones hinting that she may have been a surprise. But that was quickly dealt with as part of our joy at having her was that when we decided we wanted another one we gave ourselves a 6 months window and if we didn't concieve in that time we would leave it - and I found I was pregnant almost imediately.

( although I now realise in telling that story to people to head off the accident comments I have probably been moaned about on here as smug)

The only really negative comment was one from a dimwit who said I was foolhardy/stupid to risk having another child with disabilities... But that is a whole other thread

When I went to docs when expecting dd at 37, I was relieved my usual utter bitch from hell doctor was off sick as she always makes me feel like a timewaster. Sadly, the locum was her husband whose response was " and is that a good thing?" What a wan*er insesitive jerk! I'm not sure if it was my age or the fact that as a pair they obviously have zero people skills. As I left he said "oh yes, congratulations I suppose"

I have since changed surgeries and the next doc was very nice when I went with current bump, but he did spend the entire appointmant talking about tests I should consider due to my aged and frazzled eggs. I told him not to waste his breath.

The hyphen to strike things out whatnot obviously didn't work there. It's all way too complicated for a 38 week pregnant halfwit like me!

hi and big congrats to you hun

im nearly 42 and have 7 children my youngest is 8 mths
my baby is severely ill (nothing to do with age)its genetic and if he was well and healthy id have another baby
in fact i feel quite lost im not pregnant i really want to have one more child
in my 40,s im more laidback so calm and do my own thing.....
i did get the open mouthed look like my arnt you brave having a baby in your 40,s
i was like really you think so cos this is the most natural thing for me to do.
my samuel is currently sat here muching on a jam sarnie making a mess drooling all over
and boy i love it
were a happy large family all 9 of us
and im an oldie and i dont give a damn.....

whoever said celebrate your fertility?

lovely phrase just love it !!!!

I had DC1 at 37 and as we had been trying for over 5 years all my friends and family were excited and pleased for us. Though I was treated as an old person my the health care profession.

When I was pregnant with DC3 there was a few comments from people who did not know my history but in general every one was brilliant, even the health care professionals didn't bat an eyelid.

We keep getting asked now when we are going to have our next one and much as we would love to have another child unfortunatly due to health problems I won't be able to have another and it really gets to me sometimes.

Sorry meant to say I was 42 when pregnant with DC3

Must be this old brain

My husband's grandmother had her two boys in 1926 and 1927 at the ages of 41 and 42. Her husband was a similar age. My husband's father was 42 when he was born. My father was born when my grandmother was 38. A cousin of my husband's fourth was born when she was 42. (her older ones are all at least 7 years older)

We have previous in the family, so no-one has batted an eyelid so far!

Definitely come to West London - all the Mum's didn't started sprogging until their mid to late thirties! In fact if you are under the age of 35 and pregnant you get eyed with suspicion!

Definitely come to West London - all the Mum's don't seem to start sprogging until late thirties onwards! In fact if you are under the age of 35 and pregnant you get eyed with suspicion!

I was 2 months short of 45 when I had my DD. Like so many others the right man didn't turn up until late in the day and we didn't think we'd be able to have a family. So we got a huge and very welcome surprise.

My parents had given up hoping but I did get loads of comments along the lines of you must be mad - almost all from people of my age who had children either already grown up or heading that way.

I was in a ward with a young-ish girl also having her first baby and her mother was 5 years younger than I was so it was really odd listening to her obsessing about plans for her upcoming 40th birthday and me chipping in with what I'd done for mine a few years previously.

I have just had my second child @ 33 & I really do want to have a 3rd but finances & childcare mean we can't until DS & DD are older & school so I will probably be nearing 40 when we have our third & even though my friends & family will think I'm mad I know it wont matter as long as its what we want & this thread has just made me feel even more so that its absolutely fine to be an older Mum.

When I was pregnant at 31 my niece and sister refused to believe that I got pregnant without having fertility treatment. When I told them that I was the second youngest in my antenatal class of 20 expectant mum's they didn't believe me. Now at the age of 36 they have said that I am too old to risk getting pregnant!

You could also move to Edinburgh, Bony. I had DD1 at 34 and DD2 at 36, and in my antenatal classes I was among the younger first time mums. I'd say that round here, 42 as a first time mum counts as old. When I got pregnant with DD2 at 35 I asked the GP if I would be offered extra tests due to my age - she said not as I was only a spring chicken!

My mum also had my brother at 38, so I really don't think mums are old until 45!

A friend of mine was trying to persuade her consultant to give her a hysterectomy as she is 41 and has really terribly painful periods, ongoing fibroids and PCOS but made the mistake of telling him that I'd had DD at almost 45. He assumed that I'd had fertility treatment but when he was told that it had been entirely natural told her she definitely couldn't have the op just in case she met someone over the following few years.

I had my ds at 39. Some of my friends who have given birth in the last couple of years have been 41, 42 and 45. No one mentioned anything about my (or their) ages - in fact I think when I had mine I was probably one of the younger ones in the labour ward!

I had my first in my 20s, this time round I have been far more relaxed, calm and enjoying it. I can definitely see the difference in me from whn I had my first. Its fab. Not to say I didnt enjoy my first - I was just so caught up in doing everything 'right' and put a lot of pressure on myself. I think being older has given me permission to be a bit more chilled out about everything.

My mum had my younger sister at 39 also (there is a 19 year age gap between us) - she is now in her 60s and has a really young outlook life and I'm happy to say has 10 times more energy than me!

Wow - didn't realise this was still going, and made it into Discussions of the Day as well! .

Thanks everyone for all the lovely positive comments.

Hi BonyM,
Sorry don't have time to read the full thread as am supposed to be working!! (Doesn't usually stop me)

I had DS1 at 36 and DS2 came along last year, 1 month before my 41st Birthday.

I agree with all the comments I had time to read. I'm more confident, know what I want, am not prepared to be fobbed off by anyone, professional or not (I have mumsnet to back me up so am omniscient). We also had 10 years of just me a DH so we've done lots together just us and the time was right to be a family.

I think everyone had decided we weren't having children, although we said nothing of the sort, and just hadn't really got down to it. The only time on record my MIL has ever been speechless was on our announcment of my pregnancy with DS. And then DS2.... everyone thought we weren't having anymore chilren. Well whoopee for everyone. They should really have consulted us before deciding this.

I do look quite young for my age but I do get comments on my being older. F**ck 'em. My life, my family, my babies, my choice.

Great text book pregnancy with DS1, home birth with DS2 (yes at nearly 41).

Enjoy enjoy enjoy I am jealous....

BR

Really good to read so many positive comments on this thread. I am 42 and 36 wks pg - a something of a surprise given that we have a 10 yr old "only" child!

The only negative comments I really got when we told everyone, were people worried about my and/or baby's health, because of their experiences or past problems.

The other slightly annoying thing is the assumption from people you don't know well, that you must be on a second marriage to have had a break that long between kids.

Anwyay, I have taken great solace from mumsnet - it is so encouraging to hear from other pregnant ladies/new mums over 40 all doing well!

I suppose the worst thing I heard said was when DS was one day old. The girl in the next bed to me was only 17 and when her young pals arrived to visit I heard one of them gasp when he saw me and announce "She looks about 50!"

It was a fair comment - I was 46 and at the time felt about 90. Once I fully recovered from the birth I like to think I sprang back to around 35

DS is one year old today and it has been a breeze really. Highly recommended!

Oldie- that reminds me of something that happened when I went for my 12 week scan in January. There were lots of women there, some clearly pregnant, others possibly there for scans on their wombs for other reason- there was a couple in the 70s or 80s who I presume were there because she was having gyne problems rather pregnancy! Anyway, a lady who looked to be in her 40s went in with her husband to be scanned.

Cue loud and rude comment from behind me: "Oh my god! She can't possibly be pregnant!". I turned around to see who was being so rude. Turned out to be a five or so months pregnant girl who looked 15 at the outside, with her boyfriend who looked about 14 but could have been 16 iyswim, and the girl's mum (presumably there to give consent for her daughter's checkups...).

If she hadn't been so very young I would seriously have told her to shut the f*ck up- that poor woman could have been there for a cancer diagnosis for all any of us knew. Or she could have pregnant.

We have lived in the Philippines for a few years. People here are shocked I didn't have any children before 30! One day I'll have the guts to tell them I wasn't married either!

Duchesse, in my local scan unit the aformentioned youth would not have been in the waiting room judging us oldies: she'd have been outside chuffing on a rollup! I've had to endure long waits whilst dirty-tracksuit clad mini-Waynettas bellow into their mobiles, swear at the top of their lungs and belch hilariously as they glug their pre-scan red bull.It brings out the old fart in me, and then I really do feel like an old mum!

helen- this antenatal unit has a security system that ensures that you can't really leave and come back in without signing in and out! There was a woman who looked about 5 or 6 months pregnant outside the front door in her dressing gown the other day, puffing away with a chum.

Duchesse, I know I shouldn't judge but it really makes me angry! I know so many people who just can't conceive or have had several mc's and I just think how precious that cargo is.
When I had dd the two women next to me went down for a rollup every half hour- 3 floors in the lift. They asked me to watch their babies! I was bloody catheterised some of the time and couldn't reach my own baby!