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Original poster

Older mums - how did people react when you told them you were pg?

104 replies

BonyM · 12/03/2009 21:25

I found out two weeks ago that I am pg with no.3. Dh and I are very happy (after getting over the initial shock!) but it was unexpected and at 42 I fall well into the "older mother" category.

The only people we have told so far are my good friends that I met when pg with dd2 (who will be 4 in a couple of weeks). They are at least 10 years younger than me and very happy for us, but I am very apprehensive about telling friends who are the same age as me, and my parents. I think they will think we are mad.

I rang to book a private early scan this week and when the secretary asked my date of birth she said "Did you say '66?" in an incredulous tone of voice, and when I said "Yes, I'm an oldey" she remarked that she was 45 and wouldn't want to be doing it at her age.

How have others coped with negative comments?

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PlumpRumpSoggyBaps · 14/03/2009 22:59

Funny, I never even thought about being an 'older' mother!! That's what happens when you look in the mirror and exercise denial....

Nobody said anything, apart from the usual congrats etc. Except a very good friend of mine, who shall remain nameless cos she's also a MNer, who said something like 'just goes to prove us oldies have still got it'.

She was right, too. She's now pg with twins!!

duchesse · 14/03/2009 23:04

Everyone has been very positive and happy for us. Which I have to say was really not expecting at all. Just goes to show you can always be surprised! I am 41 btw and my youngest child is 11.

NotAnOtter · 14/03/2009 23:10

fab duchesse i did not know youwere pg

duchesse · 14/03/2009 23:16

Thanks Otter- am 19 weeks, but still feeling very tentative about it. Will not start to feel confident until I'm actually holding the blighter I think.

NotAnOtter · 14/03/2009 23:17

fantastic news

being older when you have also had them younger has been great

i love it!

duchesse · 14/03/2009 23:19

Also quite amusing to think I have been pregnant in every decade of my adult life so far, although so far only have children from my 20s.

NotAnOtter · 14/03/2009 23:21

wow

i have

3 in twenties

2 thirties and

1 forties .....

duchesse · 14/03/2009 23:27

If this one had come to plan, I would have been 35 when it was born, and it would be at school by now! 6 years of infertility and miscarriages later...

NotAnOtter · 14/03/2009 23:34

you poor thing!

i also had a period of infertility between the older 3 and number 4......he was long awaited and is adored!!

do you know what you are having? (bet the dc's are over excited)

ladylush · 15/03/2009 00:20

IKWYM Duchesse - I don't think I will really believe it til lo is here either. But you are half way through now

I had 3 years of m/c interspersed with a period of infertility, so will be very cross if anyone says anything negative about my age.

Btw, my hospital do not consider late 30s a reason to class a pg high risk.

Nekabu · 15/03/2009 09:38

I have had comments from medical staff but I just point out that there's nothing I can do about it as I can't get any younger. I can stop myself from getting any older but as I have no intention of topping myself, we'll just have to deal with me being the age I am and pg ...

duchesse · 15/03/2009 15:00

It is odd, this infertility thing, isn't it? There is no obvious explanation for it. I had six years of chemical pregnancies and m/c at 5 weeks, with one pregnancy that went to 13 weeks, and suddenly I'm in the middle of a textbook pregnancy, even down to the "pregnancy glow" that I always coveted with the other three. (Can distinctly remember having to cough looking at the ceiling to avoid puking until very late with the other three- also brushing teeth a bit of a liability). Still waiting for something to go wrong...

applepudding · 15/03/2009 20:51

I had DS at 38 and no negative comments at all (not to my face anyway). We had been trying a few years so my family were over the moon for me.

What surprised me was when DS was about 3 everybody kept asking me when the next one was coming. We had decided due to various factors including the age thing to leave it at one - although now DS is 7 and it does seem too late to try for another, particularly after the time it took to catch with DS - I do wonder if we did the right thing.

I think I am probably the oldest mom at the school who doesnt have older children, but although I look my age now, I looked quite young when I had DS.

I know other people who've had first children in their 40s and nobody had commented negatively either.

Congrats.

NotAnOtter · 15/03/2009 21:10

the only comments i have had were when i had fertility treatment and then i was a mere strippling at 35

the persistently wittered about my age

they also wittered about me being peri menopausal

i have since conceived 5 times ( most on first month!)

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 15/03/2009 21:21

I had lots of raised eyebrows when I was pg with ds at 40. One 'friend' said "Well if its what you want..."

Like I had been trying to have children since I had first mc aged 24. Some of us dont have a choice

jeanjeannie · 15/03/2009 21:52

Didn't meet anyone worth having kids with till I was 39! Six months later I was preggie I had DD1@ 41 and DD2@ 42 - no one batted an eyelid. I didn't get one cutting remark from GPs, midwives or consultants.

Mind you my partner is 7 yrs my junior. He reckons it's the younger sperm that cracks the older egg

BikeRunSki · 15/03/2009 22:03

I am amazed at some of the negative reactions people have had.

DC1and only (so far is 6 months old and I was 37 when I was pg. My family were delighted! My bosses (2 male, 1 female) too, my friends were surprised, but also happy. My sister said "But now you're pregnant and X is divorced, what are me and Mum going to gossip about!"

I did feel my age when I was hospitalised with hyperemisis and a 16 year old came in with it too. I was older than her mum!

Thing is, I've always done a lot of sport so am quite fit and I look young for my age (thanks Mum!). When I first saw my GP when I was pg and he asked me if I had any concerns, I said I was worried that I was a bit old. HE said to me "No, you're not that old, you're only ..... (looked at my notes)...37!!! 37!!!! You're 37!!!!!!!! We'll you'll look at lot more like it when you've got a toddler to look after".

BottySpottom · 15/03/2009 22:05

I don't regard 42 as remotely old! When I read your post title I was expecting you to say you were 48/50.

I had DC3 at 41 though, so am biased.

Coliewobbles · 15/03/2009 22:49

I think thats fab.

Im sure some people will wish they had your energy to do it! I was 32 when i had my DD and that was considered old.

I think there is a lot to be said for the more mature parent. Just think of all the vast life experiences you have that will make having this next baby a different experience yet again from your other 2 children.

I would love another child for my DD, but for health reasons it wont be happening. I feel very blessed to have one healthy child and i think anyone who hears your news should be delighted at the fact that you havent had to go through realms of physical and emotional prodding and distress in order to be blessed have something sooo precious to enrich the lives of both yourself and your DH but also those of your other children...

Good luck and all the very best xx

risingstar · 15/03/2009 22:59

There is only one correct response when ANYBODY announces that they are pregnant it is

"How wonderful, congratulations."

There is no need for any other comment! However, I had dd3 at 39 after a 10 year gap, and all i got was you are mad, why would you want another, was it planned?

To which my answer was Much planned and wanted and butt out!

Liked hubby's response better- played for and won!

ShyTalk · 15/03/2009 23:26

I had DS at 43 and DD at 45. I was working full time and had amnio each time. We didn't tell anyone anything until after amnio results. After that, telling folks was a walk in the park. BTW - I refuse to be a knackered old Mum - I volunteer for "Forest School" once a week - what could be better than going out to play with kids, in the woods, and get dirty?
Yay!

Verso · 16/03/2009 09:53

Lovely thread though some of the comments people have received make me very !

My Mum was 37 when she had my sister and 42 when she had me. I had my first at 34 and have just had my 2nd at 38. At DD2's baptism loads of people in the family were asking when we'd go for #3 , so in our family it's not considered unusual. (My aunt had hers at 37, 38 and 40.)

Donkeyswife · 16/03/2009 10:17

Gosh - that's fantastic news. I had my ds at 38 and my dd at 40. None of the midwives/docs batted an eyelid but then I live in Hackney. I remember telling my favourite mw that i felt like a granny and she was genuinely surprised adn told me they had a massive amount of women 35 - 45 coming through teh doors. When I went to the antenatal classes, she was right.

That receptionist sounds like a right cow. Doesn't matter what anyone thinks, if you and your dh are happy about it, stuff what anyone else thinks. And, unless you live in some town where the norm for having a baby is 16 - 25 (and if you do, you're being a ground breaker), celebrate your fertility!

Donkeyswife · 16/03/2009 10:22

By the way, forgot to add, I'm 41 now and v much want another one. If I can persuade dh - his concerns are financial not age related.

larry5 · 16/03/2009 11:40

I had my dd at 40 having had ds1 and ds2 in my twenties. Ds2 was 15 when dd was born. I did feel like wearing a T shirt saying "No it was not a mistake" but a number of my friends said that they wished they had the confidence to have another.

Ds2 was very embarassed when we told him I was expecting and my mother did say it would have been better if I had had my third child earlier. We didn't go for no. 4 as having had two close together I didn't want the bickering again!

Ds1 absolutely adores dd, who is now 16, and has been like a third parent to her - if anything was to happen to me and Dh he would be able to look after her.