how hard is it to be a parent?

[valentine5]

hi everyone,i have just found out im pregnant,inside i feel happy but my parnter has a child from a previous relationship and he doesent feel ready to be a parent again so im a little scared as i feel a little alone(i got caught when i was on antibiotics) he keeps telling me that being a parent is very hard work and takes over your life,is there any good things about being a parent or is it true what he says,as he wants me to get an abortion but i dont think i can do it.pleas help! xxxx

thankyou so much,do you think he has good reasons not to want the baby though due to what happened with his past relationship? i also worry how i would cope on my own financially all mad thoughts are going on in my head xxx

i would say no, he doesn't have good reason - that it's putting the cart before the horse assuming that you are going to split up in the first place anyway. did his ex leave him? whatever happened, you are not his ex, and getting close to a partner you always run the risk that they will leave you, you just have to learn to live with that risk rather than shut yourself off. i think he is being at best silly and at worst manipulative saying that he's worried about whether he would love the baby or not once it's born because he/she was unplanned.

Hi Valentine5

This is such a horrible thing you have to go through.

He says he doesn?t want to have two children that he doesn?t see ? If he really means that then he will never have children again (with anyone) because whether one is married or not, one never knows what the future holds and there is always a risk that a relationship will end. It is obivious you want children, do you want to take a risk on him and invest more time in him, because if what he says is true then you won?t be having children with him.

The ?may not love it when it is here? is a bit disturbing. Does he love he existing child? It takes a really cold-hearted man to not love his own flesh and blood. Sounds like he is trying to manipulate the situation. You must be discovering some not so nice sides to him.

There is a lot of support out there for single moms both emotionally and financially. You will be surprised how much better you make you money work when you have a child. After all there are thousands of teenaged mothers out there who have never worked a day in their lives.

I think you really need to talk to someone who knows you, friends or family. I hope you have someone close that can be supportive and understanding. Most of us here are already mothers so we know exactly what we would be losing out on and it might seem that we are putting pressure on you to keep the baby. The first trimester can be really difficult emotionally for women because our hormones are all over the place. I worry that you might be vulnerable because of this and might be influenced. Please seek professional unbiased advice, ASAP. You shouldn?t have to go through this and we can?t begin to understand want you must be going through.

I hope whatever you decided is the best thing for you both emotionally and mentally. You don?t need to make a decision immediately; there is still lots of time.

I am sorry for being brutal.

Just had a thought, it would be really good to get a bloke?s opinion on this. Might help you.

Ladies, if you know any men who have children from a previous relationship ask them their opinion on valentine5?s dp?s reasoning.

I have to say that if you are thinking along the lines of having a baby at some stage - and your partner is too (ie you say he says he's not ready, as opposed to never) then I think you could well regret a termination. If you went on to have a baby at a later stage then I think the love you will feel for that baby will have an enormous effect on how you feel about the termination. If - for some reason you don't go on to have a baby, that will affect you deeply too. I haven't been in your situation and can't imagine it, all I know is that love for your children is the most powerful thing you can ever feel.

kelli - a lovely post. I hope it's not out of turn to say it but you sound like someone with real moral strength and integrity. And with a huge amount of love in their life. What goes around comes around.

yes fantastic post Kelli, made me go all teary, you sound like such a fantastic mum. xx

aww, valentine, poor you, I've been there too. My dp wanted me to have an abortion, he did the whole if you don't i'll leave you. so i sorted out a flat for myself and told him i was keeping the baby and leaving. he told me not to, that he would accept me and the baby. i believe i was a bit depressed whilest pregnant, and the thought of having ds scared me frankly. dp was supportive throughout following this, and I think more excited than me about DS's arrival. I know this sounds terrible.

Now he is here, he is the best thing in the world ever, bar none. I am amazed at how much love I feel for this little person. He is hard work, but he is mine and I cherish the opportunity to look after him the best I can. DP loves him fiercely too. It is a very testing time for any couple I think and we have had a few problems, but I think they can be worked out, and I don't believe either of us would have our lives any other way for the world now.

Your partner will either decide to skick with you or decide he's unable. It is going to be very hard for you but what I think you are basically saying is that you want this baby. If you were to abort it (I really don't think you should) then you would resent him and your relationship would be likely to deteriate anyway. Thats how I felt, so please follow your heart, it's your body, your life, your decision. Mumsnet is a great body of support, so keep posting here. I really hope it works out for you.

Hatsoff, Morning paper - you two nearly made me cry! Thank you for saying such nice things about me! x
i was just telling it how it was.

i believe in the saying that that doesnt kill you makes you stronger and i live by this and the fact that you get out of life what you put in.

I've been through alot and though alot of people say i live in my own world (which is a happy place) i think it makes sense.

Valentine5 keep in touch and make the right decision - it sounds like he's trying to black mail you and no-one needs that in their lives.
take the chance to do something wonderful and fulfilling with your life and screw him! he's going on his past experiences and thats not fair on you or your baby.

If you decide this baby is what you want (which is really sounds like you do - otherwise you wouldn't keep coming back to this site) YOU can do this and be happier than you ever have before. You will have the love and support of your friends and family and us, every step of the way !

Yes it will hard and sometimes you will be tired and sometimes feel like giving up but you won't because if you do there will be no-one to take your place.

He sounds more scared to me... that stuff about thinking he won't love the baby... that's a fear not a threat surely?

kelli - just had time to read your earlier post and it is very moving. You are wise beyond your years and sound like a dream mum.

Valentine, I don't think what happened to your partner before can justify what he is putting you through now. My dh's mum went off and left him and his three brothers when they were little. His brothers now have turned their back on marriage, they cheat and lie to their partners, because they believe that marriage and committment screw you up. They are repeating their parents' mistakes. My dh on teh other hand is a fab husband and is fanatically loyal and faithful, and despises other people who have affairs. He's decided to put his past experiences to good use by trying to do things differently from his own parents - we've been together 19 yrs. What I am saying is, your partner should be looking at this as an opportunity to be a good dad and partner, however hurt he may have been in the past.

kelli - we're quits then cos you nearly made me cry too.

Valentine5 - are you ok?

Hi Valentine5
I've just been reading this thread and i hope you have had a good weekend?
When i was your age i had a missed miscarriage. This was discovered when i went to have a scan prior to a potential termination. I'm so thankful that I had the decision 'made for me' but despite that I still feel haunted by the experience because in all honesty I probably would have had an abortion. My partner at the time didn't want the baby and neither did I but despite these circumstances it still would have been a really tough decision. Now i have a husband and a 13mth dd whom i adore, and i'm expecting baby no.2 - but there have been times when starting a family has opened up a number of old wounds which i thought had long been healed. i look at my dd now and think how i would die for her even if my husband had been a one-night-stand-never-to-be-seen-again. What i'm saying is that your love for your child will be stronger than anything you have ever felt before, probably even for your partner. If you do go ahead, you will find the inner strength to get through this decision and no matter how hard it may be at times, a mother's instinct for protection and survival is so strong there is no question about it - you will cope.
By the way, my friend was 16 when she had her ds. Although she's not with the father anymore she has since found a wonderful, supportive boyfriend and has just graduated with a degree in medicine. There is no doubt that her decision was the right one as she loves her ds so much and he is her no. 1 superhero!

hi everyone just wanted to say thankyou to everyone for your support,my partner has now come round to the idea and were now looking forward and im glad i dident decide to go ahead and have an abortion i dont think i could forgive myself thankyou again you have all been great ,im so relieved this nightmare is over and were pulling together now xxx

Hi valentine5. It's good to see you back, we have all been thinking of you. So glad things are look better and that your DP is coming round to have a gorgeous baby with you. Do you know when you are due? Will you be going any of the threads on the Antenatal Club board. I am on the Due in Nov thread. Glad we could all provide you with support. Please keep in touch and hang in there. Things WILL get better.