how hard is it to be a parent?

[valentine5]

hi everyone,i have just found out im pregnant,inside i feel happy but my parnter has a child from a previous relationship and he doesent feel ready to be a parent again so im a little scared as i feel a little alone(i got caught when i was on antibiotics) he keeps telling me that being a parent is very hard work and takes over your life,is there any good things about being a parent or is it true what he says,as he wants me to get an abortion but i dont think i can do it.pleas help! xxxx

Valentine, congratulations on your pregnancy.

I'm 24 and a single Mum. I have a ds of 6 1/2 and a dd of 4.

Parenting is tough. But it is wonderful.

Please don't be pushed into an abortion if it's not what you want. If it is what you want, then fine, but if it's not you will always regret it.

Give your partner time. He might come round. If he doesn't, will you be able to forgive him and carry on with your relationship if you have an abortion?

This must be such a tough situation for you and I sympathise so much. All my family wanted me to have an abortion when I got pregnant (aged 17). I desperately wanted my sone and he (and my dd) was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Valentine, congratulations on your pregnancy.

I've only had time to read some of the posts, but I just wanted to say that you are not being selfish by wanting to keep your baby. I repeat, your baby. Yes, it is your partner's too, but he has no right - no right at all - to try and force you to terminate your baby against your will. If he is man enough to enjoy taking risks then he is man enough to be a father to your baby. If he isn't, tough. You don't need him half as much as you may think.

We didn't plan our first, I too was very shocked but I soon was so pleased, and when she was born I loved her so much. In fact I had another as soon as possible because being a mum is soooooooo great! There is nothing like holding a newborn, or their smell - did you know they smell like flowers? And the feeling of holding a sleeping baby, and kissing their silky head - I wish I could bottle it because it goes in a flash.

Yes, being a mum is hard work, but it is also rewarding beyond my wildest dreams. All the things I worried I'd miss when pregnant seem so trivial now. I now have a meaning to my life and love that I'd never have believed possible.

You sound like you want to be a mum, and you want this baby. I really think that you will hate this man if you let him force you into a termination. Youmay end up as a single mum, which may be hard - but not as hard as dealing with losing a baby that you want.

If you like, I can give you the name of an organisation that offer counselling. They will also offer support throughout your pregnancy if you decide to go ahead, and counselling if you do have a termination. They are broadly pro-life but not judgemental like some can be.

Good luck honey. Being a mum is really wonderful.

congrats. i have 2 ds's and i wouldn't change them for the world. my first wasn't planned but we went ahead and he means the world to me as does my youngest. having kids is hard work but when your child comes running to you for a cuddle or a kiss you realise what it is all about. i hope you manage to resolve your situation and your partner can see how lucky u r to be bringing a little person into your lives to bring happiness and joy.

unfortunately it is true - being a parent is bloody hard work and at time very thankless..... BUT for me the highs outweigh the lows and I would not trade my two dds for anything. Your life changes in ways you cannot even begin to imagine ( most of them positive) and will never really understand until you have been there.

HAving said all that - if you want this baby then keep it. Whilst his opinion and thoughts should be considered, it is your body and your choice. Please don't feel pressured to do something you don't want to do. I think if you let him dictate what is to happen you will end up regretting it and resenting him... not good for a relationship.

how are you feeling today xx

Valentine5, hope you don't mind me just adding my thoughts. I am not a mum (yet!). Am 30 weeks pg and I have to say the thought of becoming a mum is very daunting, but at the same time, when you first feel those first few movements, and I'm now at the stage where I am starting to get full blown kicks, it makes it all seem so worthwhile, even at this early stage. I can be having a horrendous day, and then I feel a little kick or an elbow, and its makes me smile and makes me feel like its just reminding me that its there. Its a feeling you just can't beat and as hard as I know its going to be, can't wait to become a mum. I really sympathetise though, it must be so difficult and you must feel like you're split in two with making such a tough decision, but it really has ultimately got to be your decision. I hope it all works out for you

I dont know what age you are valentine but know this, that you are truly blessed at being given the chance to have a baby. You will look at your wee darling a year from now and wonder what all the fuss is about. People will fuss over you, and over baby and it will be so incredibly wonderful, you will immediately want another one!

I was over 40 when i had my ds and i can tell you it was life changing, to say the least. All good life changing though. My priorities got focussed and it is so wonderful, so incredibly fantastic to see my son look at me with his loving eyes every day!

You wont know yourself and maybe you cant envisage this now, but you are going to be sooo happy and contented, it will make you cry a little every day.

Just imagine that beautiful little face inside of you looking up at you and saying hi mommy, its me! Yes, me, the person you always wanted to meet!
Very best of luck to you.

Your pregnancy valentine is like a magic train ride. Its unique to every mother with specially built compartments and tracks. You have time now to look out the window and view the wonderful landscape and wonder where the journey will take you and who you are going to meet. I think we are pregnant for nine months for a reason. Gives us lots of time to prepare emotionally and psychologically. you will be a fab mom. I dont know what your partner's problems are really, but sounds like fear of the unknown. Sorry, life is full of unknowns. If you miss this journey, you will never get another one like it. Get on the train and leave the maps behind girl. Its taking you to a place of wonder.

thanks for all your advice everyone i feel ok but realy tired,im not sure if this is because im pregnant or because im so stressed out and exchausted with trying to makle this decision,from what you have all said it is hard but it sounds wonderful,all ive done all day is think about the baby i just wish my partner would just tell me it will be ok xxx

Valentine, sorry to be harsh, but what is your partner does not, i.e. tell you it will be ok. Obviously the decision to have this baby ultimately lies with you. What is going to be the effect of your partner not coming round to the idea? That is the real crux of this thread for you isnt it?

yes i know your right,i think i need to think how i would cope on my own because if he dident come round to the idea i would be evidentley be on my own,its quite hard to have to think like this but its the harsh reality and i need to face up to the fact that this could happen.its just so hard i never thought i would be in this situation i really thought he loved me ,i feel like im seeing a different side to him xx

Valentine, yes its hard. There's a but to this though. How will you feel if a year down the line he decides after wanting baby, that he dosent want baby and leaves anyway. Im not saying that is going to happen, i dont even know you.

What you really need to do as an expectant mum is to be calm and healthy and non stressed. Baby will know if you are stressed. Hard to do, yes, in your situation. But maybe its time for an ultimatum. Or maybe you feel your partner will come round to the idea if he sees your bump growing and knows that there is a real person in there, HIS person. Maybe you could take a wait and see approach, maybe you need your partner now even if its just to get through this for the next year or so. Really, its down to you what you want to do. Where having a baby is concerned, you will find very shortly that your "momma" instincts are going to take over and you are going to anything to protect this baby, even if it means protecting her/him from her/his father, if you know what i mean. I dont know what your financial situation is, but if you can have this baby and not end up in the poor house, you are ten steps ahead of many many other mothers.

As my mom always used to say, you can dozens of daddies, but you only have one momma!!
Mommy knows best!

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Time to sit partner down and have serious talk about your future together. Find out what he is afraid of. You need to know if this is about you or about baby, or both. Maybe he just dosent know his own mind. Men are like that sometimes. Take him to the park where there are couples with babies. Take him to places where cooing babies are and show him how wonderful it will be. Even for the best of us, its a stressful time. De-stress and talk to each other about your wonderful future together.

thats good advice! were not too bad money wise i work full time for a bank and i get brilliant maternity benefits and get 6 months off full pay which eases the stress a little, also my mum has always said if i ever had a baby and wanted to go back to work either p/t or f/t she would give up work to look after baby and she would love it,so i know ive got the support i need im feeling more confident the more i go over it in my head xx

I must tell you valentine that if my partner or husband told me to get an abortion i would end the relationship immediately. I dont know how you are coping with this, but i know one thing, i would never lose a baby over a man. Men come and go, babies do not!!!

your so right! we have talked and he says he doesent want it because he is already a dad and he worries that if we split up he will have two kids that he only sees on weekends and he says he likes his freedom of being able to go out with his friends and for us to go away and do things when we want to xx

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hey people ive got to logg off now but im sure i will be back later ,im gonna take your advice and try and talk to him again tonight just so i know where i stand xxxx

Hi Valentine, how are you today? Did you sit down and talk to your DP last night?

How are you doing valetine5?

Hi Valentine, I cant believe your post - well no actually i can cause some men really can be that selfish! i can tell you that if you want to keep this baby (your baby) you can and whatever happens you will get through it, if you're in any doubt - and this is morbid and sad you should do what i happened to do when i found out i was pregnant (here goes this could be long) i was 16 when i found out i was pregnant for the 1st time, the guy i was seeing was in prison (and a complete waste of space) anyway my granny had died not long before and we went to her grave, while we were there i happened to see a patch of baby graves, i stood and read them, i knew when i found out i was pregnant that i would keep my baby but as i was stood there i found myself thinking there's no way i could give this baby up, it's got no reason not to live, all those babies that died were wanted and loved - who am i to play god and take my baby's life away just because i was young and silly, those parents would be devastated for every day they lived without their children by their side - i know this now because my dd is now 5 and im pregnant with my 2nd and i could not live without my children they complete me and make my life amazing.

Today my dd was talking about a time (when she was about 2) when she covered my living room chair with sudacream (while i was in the bath - yes i shouldnt have left it where she could get it but still....) i got out of the bath to find a white chair and my dd fast asleep on the sofa without any cream on her anywhere (how she managed that i'll never know) anyway she laughed about it and said sorry today - i think thats amazing

Also she likes hollyoaks and i told her theyre not real they just pretend to live there etc she said - yeah, whatever mum, you're telling me porkies!

Kids are priceless and wether you stay with your dp or not you will never regret having a child that you love.

my friend got pregnant on the pill and he told her to have an abortion - she said no - even though they had just moved in together and had been together 4 years. She found she couldnt love him if he didnt love their child so she moved back in with her mum, her son is almost 2 now and his "dad" comes to see him once a week not that he does much for him but he comes even if it is just to take photos to show his mum. (i hate him, he is a gutless excuse for a man, he doesn't deserve to be called a father) but she wants him to see his dad and that is her choice and she's happy with it.

sorry for the long post but just wanted to share my experiences.

my dd doesnt see her "father" he is still a waste of space but i have a lovely partner who adores us both and our baby on the way. we are very very happy and i wouldn't change a thing.

I hope you do whats right for you. let us know x

hi everyone,me and my partner talked and hes still adamant that he doesent want the baby he said he scared of having two children that he doesent see if we split up, i can understand that but he also says that he is scared because he doesent want the child now he may not love it when its here and that scares me to because i am scared of him not wanting it ,it hurt me so much when he said that because he already has a child and even though that wasnt planned he stood by his ex and they were together years but hes not willing to do the same with me i get the feeling its just me xxxx

Hey Valentine, i hope you are getting somewhere in your head about this all. If a man dosent want your baby, the baby you made together, the result of both you and him, then there is something terribly wrong. I doubt this comes as a shock to you. Getting "rid" of baby, wont make "his" problems with you go away, though. It only makes it worse, so much worse. You have your own ideas about abortion, but I can safely say that it will not make your partner continue to love you. Even if it did, could you still love him after the fact?

As i said before you have been blessed with a pregnancy. Please dont blame the baby for something your partner is, does or says. Its not baby's fault. This baby might be the best thing that ever happened to you, i mean, its either going to make or break your relationship. It will make it stronger or it will end it. Either way, thats what's going to happen anyway. Relationships strengthen or fade away.

Please give this the most consideration of your entire life and remember, men come and go. If you think you cant "do" this without your partner, think again. Millions of women do it and they do just fine, in fact they do better on their own than with a partner who does not love their child or them.

valentine, we hadn't planned our dd1 and it was a big shock, but there is no man in the world who loves his kids more than him. Your dp's feelings about this are not as important as yours. The suicide rate for mothers halves, whereas for women who've had a termination against their better judgement it doubles. Your emotional welfare is the more important here. Your body, your baby.

The best you can do is assure you dp that you will let him see the baby if you split up. If he still puts you under pressure then he's no man at all.

You will find lots of support here. The organisation I mentioned is CARE www.care.org.uk. Lots of luck and keep posting! xxx