AIBU to want to be on a separate ward from my sister if we have C-sections on the same day?

[S19]

I’m due to have a planned C-section, and there’s a possibility my sister and I could be scheduled for the same day.

My sister and I haven’t spoken for months. We don’t speak even when we’re at family gatherings, and we have no real relationship at the moment. She doesn’t really interact with my children, although I do make an effort with hers. We haven’t had a big falling-out; we’re just not close, and there’s very little interaction between us.

In my experience, she’s quite narcissistic, tends to make things about herself and can be dismissive of other people’s feelings. I don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable around her, and I would find it awkward having her nearby while I’m recovering from major surgery.

My sister experienced birth-related trauma around nine years ago and has since had three children. I have also experienced birth trauma myself, but I feel my family brushes my experience aside because they see hers as worse or more significant. I do have sympathy for what she’s been through, but it often feels like her feelings are given more consideration than mine.

I’ve spoken to my midwife, who reassured me that if we’re scheduled for the same day, they can put us on separate wards.

My parents think I’m overreacting and making an issue out of something that might not even happen. My mum says she wouldn’t care if she had to share a ward with her own sister, so she doesn’t understand why I care so much. They keep telling me I should just be happy that my baby is healthy.

Of course I’m grateful that my baby is healthy, but I don’t think that means my own feelings, previous birth trauma and need for privacy don’t matter. I’ll be recovering from major surgery, and I want to feel comfortable and relaxed without feeling self-conscious about my sister being nearby. Given that we don’t even speak, I think sharing a ward would be awkward and could affect my experience.
I don’t want any drama or special treatment. I just want some privacy and space during what will be a vulnerable time for me. My family are making me question whether I’m being unreasonable simply because they wouldn’t feel the same way.

Am I being silly for worrying about this when it might not even happen? Would you want to be on a separate ward in my situation, or am I making too much of it? I’d appreciate some honest advice.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable but also don’t think you needed to tell your parents as you did. Best of luck with the birth!

You're lucky you're somewhere with more than one post-natal ward. In most places this would not be achievable - but they would try and put you in a separate bay.

In the end it depends if there is space - you could not expect a woman who has just given birth to be moved wards to meet your request.

It's a 'if we can do it' sort of thing - not an absolute.

I would absolutely have been asked to put on a separate ward, and I wouldnt have told my parents I'd asked.

actually - more important I would ask if you possibly be in different sessions - our hospital had morning and afternoon lists, and we spent quite a bit of time with the other couple on the same list as us! plus they were in the next bay pre-op and recovery

I think you are borrowing trouble Op, and making yourself ill over something that may not happen.
Your feelings are valid, of course, and I understand why you would want to avoid your sister at a vulnerable time, but, assuming this is an NHS delivery, your options may be limited.

Hope everything goes well, no sister, and you get to enjoy your beautiful baby.

I think the NHS have probably got better things to do than shuffle people about to take family fall outs into account.

I understand why you feel as you do.

I absolutely don’t think you needed to discuss it with your parents, it just amps up unnecessary drama. There was no need for them to be involved as they have no power either way.

A quiet conversation with the medical staff is all that’s required.

my personal experience of a post natal ward was that comfort and being relaxed were not priorities for the staff or the people in there - keeping on top of medical needs were.

you can put in whatever requests you like. I expect the hospital will try to honour them.

I hope that you are able to get the privacy and comfort that you need

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. You feel how you feel and you have reasons for feeling this way. I don’t know that I’d be discuss this with your parents though I doubt they will see things the way you do and you expressing these feelings will likely lead to tension as fallout you don’t need.

Id stop telling your parents things!

Most NHs hospitals cannot even guarantee they'll have a timely bed for you on the ward on the day you give birth.

Do you not get a private room? I would definitely check this as I’m my trust all post-natal rooms are private with their own bathroom etc

You're not unreasonable but it was silly to tell your parents. Obviously they'll find it inconvenient to have to visit two different wards but that's ok, it's not about them.

Jeez where is this heaven!

At my local hospital there are a couple of private rooms. They can be paid for but with the understanding that you will be moved out if someone needs a private room for a medical need.

I don’t think fully private rooms is the norm at all

Bless your cotton socks, private rooms are not standard. In my hospital you couldnt even pay for one.

In a private hospital yes but with the NHS its get what you're given and like it

Yanbu to hope fof a separate ward but you have to appreciate that the NHS doesn’t work like that. I know people who have been sent to maternity wards 30 miles away because the local one was full .
in your situation I would have a plan in mind for the unlikely event that you and your sister are ok the same ward on the same day. .. eg you could draw the curtains round you, or keep to very limited conversation

As others have said, in an NHS hospital I think you’d be lucky if they can accommodate this no matter what your midwife says now.

With regards to your parents, why do they even know about it? I don’t think it’s something you had to make them aware of really, so you’ve opened it up to their opinions.

In my local hospital every single bed is private room en suite apart from maternity assessment it's the original building. So its possible other hosp has every single room private including mat

Lucky you 😂! This would be ideal but don't think most hospitals have this.

TBH The curtains around each bay were drawn constantly on my bay that in the 4 bed room, I never saw any of my roomates for the 24 hours I was there! Wouldn't have known if my own sister was there.

I wouldn't plan ahead, but if she did show up then I'd have a little word with the ward sister to see if you could be shifted.

But surely you'd know pre section anyway? When I showed up for my section we were all (all 2 of us) in the same prep room.

Why did you discuss this with your mother? It seems like you were trying to get her onside or make a drama out of it.

Don't drag your parents into this.

They don't need to know your plans and would have no idea you requested a different ward.

This is only a drama if you choose to make it one.

I also have an estranged sister (it’s not completely no contact but it’s same room once a year for extended family get together type relationship). Our parents have a good relationship with each of us separately. I would 100% feel the same as you, but I also wouldn’t have made a point of telling my parents about it. It’s not something they need to know, it can only lead to hurt feelings if they then pass it on to your sister or it makes it seem like you’re the difficult one when the reality is you just want a peaceful, private birth without unnecessary drama that estranged siblings can bring.
Shut down the information train - if your parents don’t NEED to know then talk to a friend, not them, as they aren't neutral, even if they claim to be.

Are your parents the kind of people who are broadly respectful of “the authorities”?

I wonder whether just saying “well I’ve discussed it with my midwife, and she’s said that hospital policy would be to put us on separate wards” would end the discussion. Just say that’s the policy, shrug, go about your day?

More generally though your parents can think whatever they want, you can acknowledge that’s their view, reiterate your view, and then ignore them.