How did you know what you were doing when you had a new born?

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I'm 31 and pregnant with my first absolute little angel baby and SO delighted but it is daunting! I have no mum to go to or real female support to ask any questions to when my baby arrives in Feb and I worry I will somehow miss something crucial or not know what is best for my baby. I am the first of my friends to have a baby and it has come at the best time because I've lost three close relatives this year, very unexpectedly and one very recently so my baby is a total joy. That, along with relentless sickness and work being really difficult has exhausted me and I've not actually done much baby prep, dh has just been looking after me and carrying everything. It dawned on me I need to get organised now I'm feeling a bit better! SIL reached out urgently to tell me I need to look at nurseries the other day and sort of instructed me rather then advised me ( she can be very judgemental ) like I was missing the mark and should've started yesterday - she has form for this and it makes me feel inferior but I truly don't know where to get my mummy knowledge from, nor does DH have much experience but we are both very excited and just want to get it right😂 Is there a book/ class/ tip you wouldn't be without? I am booked in for every class my midwife has to offer. I really wish I had an on hand mum or sister that I could go to for help - my MIL is so so lovely but I know she shares everything with SIL so I don't ask her as much and she is the toral opposite of SIL and isn't intrusive at all so she politely leaves us to it. Any tips super welcome please- even ones that sound like common sense! Thank you xxx

30 weeks here and also have nothing ready for baby apart from a few toiletries and clothes. My NCT class I booked has been cancelled due to lack of uptake so that’s disappointing as I was counting on that to find out what to do.

I’m sure we’ll figure it out.

The only thing I would say is your SIL is absolutely right about nurseries. I started looking at 20 weeks and found I was already too late in some cases. Even where there is space I haven’t been able to get my preferred days - my name is currently down for 3 plus a childminder.

I did an antenatal breastfeeding class which was very useful as I really wanted to breastfeed.

If you need childcare it is right you need to be already signed up. With my first I put my name on the list with my preferred nursery at 15 weeks pregnant and was 70th on the waiting list. Barely got a place in time.

A friend of mine had a baby 5 weeks before me and they did a crash course on how to hold a newborn 😅

Tbh really I just learnt on the job for most of it.

Im 30 and my son is 21 months. If truth be told we dont know what we're doing, no one does. We learn on the job and continue to learn everyday. Theres things ive absolutely mastered and things I still struggle with. Me and ds have grown together and hes taught me things and me him. It really is a beautiful hard journey, there's nothing quite like it. We are in the thick of it atm with toddler tantrums and im thinking it'll never end, but I look back to his newborn days and I thought the sleepless nights would never end!!! Congratulations on your baby, you will be a wonderful mummy x

Ahhh congratulations on your pregnancy! ❤️ how are you getting on? Thank you that is good to know re nurseries! We have quite a few round here but have started looking this week and makes it all very real 😀xx

Congratulations to you!! It will all fall into place, don’t worry. The joy of having a baby overrides everything else.

I hadn't a clue when our first arrived. Neither of us had ever even held a baby. I was terrified to cut his fingernails as I was scared of hurting him so DH did it. We figured it all out ourselves as we had no family around to ask. I spent the first few weeks breastfeeding on the sofa with a pile of books around me. I won't recommend any as it was years ago now and advice will have changed, but reading a lot helped me. Also, you soon learn to trust your instincts.

Oooh wow that is crazy! Perhaps it was good advice then even if the delivery was a bit off before I begrudge it haha. Omg that new born class sounds great lol! I have found a lot on YouTube... thank God for Youtube!

My eldest is now 4. I remember when she born we didn’t even know how to change a nappy 😂 but it all comes naturally. You soon learn their routine and what they are crying for. You’ll be great x

I was clueless and had never held a baby and was not maternal at all. You just use your common sense, bit of baby literature (no Mumsnet available in those days) and some advice that you usually ignore. Do what works for you and your baby. There is no right way or wrong way apart from anything downright dangerous and you seem unlikely to let that happen. Other people can be useful too. Don’t let anyone rattle your cage too much. You don’t need to look at nurseries just yet unless you are going back to work very early. Frankly if I managed to birth and look after two babies pretty successfully p, then you will be great. It is the best of times and the worst of times. There is no love like it and they can drive you to the very edge. I found getting into a routine early important for me. I also decided that they would be in their own room from the get go (I have bat like hearing and wake at the slightest wimper and I knew I would never sleep if they were next to my bed) but people are completely different and that likely wouldn’t work for someone else. Advice over generations changes so weaning started at three months for my first 30 plus years ago. Teeny tiny pureed pear bits. Now it is much later but eldest was fine and I was sensible but that would be treated with horror now and likely I wouldn’t do that now. Just be sensible, safe and sure and you will be fine.

When my son was born i was on the ward and I had to ask the midwife how to change his nappy, and how do I know when to change it. I was also asking for permission to hold him, she was like 'hes yours🤣' nothing prepares you for the birth of your first child!

I have 3 kids. No one knows what they are doing. Each of them was completely different. One thing works for one, the other for another it’s basically a guessing game, where you have to put all the clues together and see what works for your baby and your family. Certain “tricks” help but overall you learn on the job. The best advice I was given was “follow your instincts” which I remember thinking “great 🙄, could have not been more vague if they tried” but you’ll be surprised as how much is instinctive.

Didn't have a clue! Didn't have friends or family with young kids either. I think it took half an hour for 2 of us to change the first nappy. But the baby also doesn't have a clue what they are doing, so you just figure it out together somehow.

I found this book helpful in terms of knowing what was going on for them, so you feel slightly less crazy. As long as you keep them fed, warm and clean (and obviously loved!) then you’ll be fine. Just roll with it. Don’t expect you’re going to know everything, don’t think people are judging you, most are sympathising or thinking thank god I’m over that stage. 😁
Honestly the first few weeks whilst you all get used to each other is pretty much, are they hungry, do they need a nappy change, are they tired? On repeat. Do what works for you and them, don’t sweat small stuff, do get out and get fresh air when you can, even just a walk round the block. Join your local library and get some books on the first few weeks, or simply how to look after a baby. Better than YouTube because it won’t be perfect! Good luck, but I’m sure you’ll be fine.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Wonder-Weeks-Stress-Free-Baby%60s-Behavior/dp/168268427X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=TVVRPJAD2D2W&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.oYQaU0Jt7wz5yzXgw1WZfMD-BI-Kywh0WqkuHGBkb5YcqUYYeFGjLtqmZwFNw3M4akUcukTLHkAmwqWuYA-JPPozKZLq74YGvwH1o_xkSzDn2izHpGwuDw9J7cB-Nab5eHfczzwhxrZPKnau7yK3FMaCIZbbRcPP692zn1KHomu39BROBm_vIXC8kNU_me9uDrDE_AuLwwG9qtiyrQtX1Vbo17sXw-m1YDfNRWyVuYg.t7WRLIXVEvuiGaHSUZDwmEmKMpIt3ZbSDisP5k3nL7U&dib_tag=se&keywords=Baby+changes+stages&qid=1791403524&s=books&sprefix=baby+changes+stages%2Cstripbooks%2C162&sr=1-1

Your Baby and Child from Birth to Age 5 by Penelope Leach is a classic. First published in 1977, it’s a no nonsense approach to parenting. Eg, hold the baby’s head when they are young as they cannot hold it up themselves. It’s full of sensible advice and I found it useful along with NHS advice at the time. It’s also a book that keeps you grounded in terms of being with competitive parents.

That brings me to the nct. I found it very ernest and prescriptive. I dared to say I wanted an epidural! Shock horror around the room.

So see if you can find the Penelope Leach book and you dont need loads of books. Sound advice from one author you trust is good enough.

nobody truly knows what they are doing, we're all just winging it but some wing it better than others! 😂
take all the classes and read all the books but honestly when it comes down to it just trust your gut and you'll be fine!

I mean my oldest is mid-30s now and I was 22 when I had her. Clueless. I remember looking at a terry towelling square and thinking 'How am I meant to get this on to her body'? It was like some advanced form of origami.

I just sort of muddled through. There were some things that seemed obvious, like for the love of god don't go to sleep with them on the sofa in case they slip through the cracks and get suffocated. Then some less obvious things, like is a pram with a flat lie down position more suitable for a new born than a bucket seat type thing? And then there was the plain weird, like what's this goose shit she's passing straight after birth.

Maybe it was easier before the interwebz because everyone knew you were sort of making it up as you went along.

Ahhh thank you so much it is reassuring to know I'm not the first nor last woman to have a baby haha, we must all find our way! X

DD is now 24, but I couldn't have been without 2 books What to Expect When You're Expecting & What to Expect, The First Year. There's probably an app by now. My family were 200 miles away and my MiL was seriously ill with leukaemia.

My amazing NDN (a mum of 3) told me that babies haven't read the instruction manual either. Wise words. Although I did wish she would stay longer and take control when she popped in for 5 minutes to meet the baby when we first came home.

My advice would be to ask your midwife if they have an antenatal group which you can join where you will be slightly behind all of the other's due dates. My MW did this as she thought I would be able to benefit from their experience of being a few weeks ahead of me (& she also realised that I wouldn't have gelled with the group I should have been with, as I had a very different character & life experience to them)

You’ll do great!! Everyone figures it out. Babies mostly just want to eat and sleep and get their nappies sorted out. You’ll eventually figure out their signals.

My one little advice is always make sure they’re having enough wet nappies.

I'd recommend doing NCT classes to make some mum friends. I didn't necessarily find the content that helpful but made a decent group of friends with babies the same age to spend maternity leave with. Also get to know your neighbours, cousins, random people at baby classes, they can all turn out to be good friends.

I also agree with all the other posters saying none of us knew what we were doing. I had several years of experience working in a nursery, my sister had 2 kids and my best friend had 2 that I'd been very involved with. I still had no clue what to do with a newborn and becoming a parent was a total shock! You'll learn as you go :) ask lots of questions to midwives and health visitors when you get the chance and trust your instincts, they'll get you a long way!

Congratulations. I think a lot of parents don’t have a clue. I don’t think DH had ever really held a baby before. I’d never looked after a baby. New to changing nappies, etc. Get on an antenatal course if you can. Read the 0 to 5 book and other advice books, but don’t worry if milestones aren’t reached in the “right” order or when others say. Every baby / infant is different. So even if you “work it out” for one it might not follow for any more! You’ll just pick it up as you go along. You’ll make mistakes as we all do, but all you can do is your best. Some things need to be done right for safety reasons like safe sleeping etc. Your midwife should give you advice and leaflets etc. Advice will differ for a lot of things though and some things change over time so some things that were ok years ago but not now.

I remember being discharged from hospital, getting to the car park and and then we went back into hospital as we didn’t have a clue how to fit the car seat in the car! All a learning experience.

I was 19 when I had my first and honestly didn't have much of a clue! Antenatal classes helped a bit, read a couple of books but generally once baby comes, you'll figure it out. Midwives in the hospital showed me how to change a nappy and bathe him and helped with breastfeeding the first few times. If you're unsure about anything, just ask your midwife or health visitor. The first few weeks with a newborn are a bit of a blur of feeding, burping, changing and settling baby - you'll soon pick it up. My best advice is look after yourself and baby and sod the housework and anything else. Ask visitors to bring easy meals and make the tea and bring biscuits! Settling yourself on the sofa, feed baby and rest, drink plenty!

In your shoes, call your MIL and tell her what you've told us. That you want help but really want it kept between the two of you. Let her help you, and take her out as much as you can, and ask her advice on everything-she might be scared to seem interfering. Having a grandmother on side (and it doesn't matter which one!) makes a massive difference.

Funnily enough I was given a book by Mumsnet before I signed up here. Each topic had a bunch of quotes from posters, and what it taught me the most was that there really are no rules. It also gave me loads of ideas to try (some worked, some didn’t!). It was by far the most useful baby book out of the ones I borrowed or bought.

Didn’t go to any classes or read any books. A lot of it will become second nature very quickly.
I ended up with an emcs and dh got the joy of those first meconium nappies. He hadn’t ever held a baby. Midwives will keep you write too and the health visitor.
i had a friend that had no idea the babies needed a vest under their clothes but midwives told her quickly and she had to send her DH out to get some. We still laugh about it now, well that and she thought a baby came out feet first 😆