Please help me process this

[Exhaustedtiger]

Hi all. First off TIA for taking the time to read

I am currently 34 weeks pregnant (first pregnancy) and my partner has been inconsistent with support to say the least. One minute very concerned about appointments the next, not at all bothered. This has been very confusing for me and has caused a lot of tears.

The final straw this morning. 3:30am woke up to a big gush. Plainly obvious that it was my waters. Woke him up. He moaned that I had woken him. Said we would go the hospital in the morning and he needed sleep.

Cue me silently sobbing myself to sleep lay down on a towel feeling anxious and scared.

He wakes up this morning. I’ve been awake for hours. Changed my underwear 3 times. He complains about how tired he is. Gets in the shower, puts his coat on and heads for the front door. I say ‘where are you going’ he says ‘work’

He works in hospitality and is very obsessed with his work which we have had many arguments about in the past. I sobbed and begged him to come up the hospital with me, baby is going to be a section and I explained to him that if my waters had been confirmed that they could well deliver today. And/or that if that was the case she would also end up in the nicu more than likely,

He said work was busy and just left. I have been in absolute bits all day. Been in the hospital for the last 8 hours. He sent me one snotty text hours ago. I begged him to come in and said I was scared to be in the operation room by myself and my stomach be cut open and him not be there. I also stressed that he was going to miss the birth of his child and how could he choose work over something this life changing and important.

I am absolutely distraught. I could have had the baby by now and he wouldn’t even know. I’m still waiting to see a doctor (only 1 on for whole of labour ward as well as triage)) but I can’t face going home to him if best case scenario it’s not my waters (which I would be very suprised about)

How do I even begin to process the coldness and cruelty from this man at a time when I need him the most? I am absolutely broken that he has done this. What do I do from
here, with everything? I have honestly never felt so broken :( :( :(

I’m sorry OP but you’re going to have to do this without him. Is there anyone else who can support you at this difficult time?

I'm so sorry he is putting you through this, it's completely unforgivable. Do you have someone else who could support you?

Im so sorry, this is actually heartbreaking to read.

I think the most important thing right now is stop trying to convince him to be the person you need him to be today and put that energy into getting yourself supported.

Please ring your mum, sister, friend literally anyone you trust and tell them whats happened and ask them to come to the hospital if they can 💕

If you need to deliver your baby you deserve to have somebody there who is actually focused on you and making sure your okay.

I also wouldnt make yourself decide the entire future of your relationship today.

Your 34 weeks pregnant, scared, exhausted and sitting in hospital potentially about to have your baby early. Just get through today first.

But equally please dont minimise what hes done when this is over. Your waters potentially broke at 34 weeks, you told him you were scared and might need a c section and that he might miss the birth of his child, and he still chose to go to WORK. Thats not just him being a bit rubbish at emotional support. Thats a huge deal and I honestly dont know how I would get past that either.

Also if they discharge you, you dont have to go straight home to him and pretend everything is normal. If you have someone you can stay with I honestly would. You need people around you right now who are actually going to look after you.

Then once you and baby are safe and your not in the middle of all this, you can think properly about what this means for your relationship and whether you can actually rely on this man when things get difficult. Because having a baby isnt going to make life less stressful and you need a partner you can trust to show up.

For now though please just focus on you and your baby. Tell the midwives whats going on aswell, including that your basically going through this alone. They are so lovely most of the time. And please call someone who loves you and ask them to come. You shouldnt be sat there terrified and alone because hes decided his shift at work is more important xx

I’m so sorry op, what a poor excuse for a man. You deserve better.

Honestly? He's showing you who he really is. Believe him and do this without him.

Call on whatever other support you have, friends or family, and prepare to do this without him. Any man who tells his pregnant partner whose waters may have gone at 34 weeks to go back to sleep and bitches about being tired is not going to be a good father.

Don't let him ruin this experience for you. It's his loss. You can do this.

Oh my goodness you poor thing.

Do you have a mother, aunt, friend, even a co worker you can call? This man has shown you who he is. Believe him. You can not rely on him and you’re about to become a mum.

Do you own or rent? I would not be going back to where he is/or I’d kick him out .

When I told my husband my waters had broken he jumped out of bed. Grabbed the car seat, my hospital bag and rang the hospital. He was in a blind panic not knowing what to do and I had to tell him to calm down but my point is what your ‘partner’ has done is not normal. They should be doing things to help. Going back to sleep is unforgivable and let’s be honest he’s going to do the same when the baby is here.

You need a support system. Please start with telling the midwives and give anyone you know a call to come and help you. Is your hospital bag packed yet?

Sending you love ❤️ tell the midwife what’s going on and they will support you. Have you anyone else you can call?

He’s not worth it - so it’s about you and baby now. I imagine there a million other shitty things he’s done.

now forget him - reclaim your power, you’re going to have another little human to take care of. You can’t change who he is, you can focus on you and baby. Tell the midwife and contact someone else to come support you if you can.

I’m so sorry my love. You can’t process this coldness just now because it is just completely inexplicable how he could behave like this towards the mother of his child. It must be hard to believe. But happening it is, sadly.

As pps have said, find whatever support that you can elsewhere. Even if he now comes to your side, the reason you are so devastated is you know that you will never be able to rely on him now. How awful but I bet you are strong and will look back one day and think how much you dodged a bullet by getting rid of him.

For now you just need to get through what’s happening with your waters and you and your baby’s health. Sending a big hug to you.

Thank you for your responses. He has just phoned me and he’s sitting with the guys from work drinking. He said he has ‘had enough’ and told me to fuck off and put the phone down.

I feel completely traumatised from his coldness and behaviour. I am trying so hard to be strong but my brain can’t comprehend that this is the same man that I’ve loved and cared for for years.

has anybody ever heard of anything like it? I’ve never known such a despicable human being in my life

He’s shown you who he is now. Have you got friends or family to support you?

How are you? Have they confirmed next steps?

Sadly this is not that uncommon. Unfortunately pregnancy and babies brings out the worst in some men. Some become emotionally, financially or physically abusive. Others just turn out to be emotionally immature selfish pricks. You will not change him. When baby is keeping you both up all night screaming and you're in your knees with exhaustion he sounds like he's going to be giving you a hard time, not supporting you. Doing it alone is easier than doing it with a man child weighing you down and causing resentment to fester.

Reclaim your power. Find your inner momma bear and do not stand for his shit. You are wonderful. You built a whole human being. You will nurture this baby and raise it to be a wonderful person. You do not need his nonsense.

He wants you to beg and grovel. Don't do it or he will just treat you worse and worse.

Gosh, sending love ❤️

You poor thing.
You will have to get support from somebody else.
When you have your baby in your arms you will realise you both deserve better.
Don't inform him when baby is born.
If he wants to know he can check up on you.
Take care and let us know how you are getting on

As pp says, abusive behaviour beginning once a woman is pregnant is a known ‘thing’, horribly. The exact opposite of the nurturing and protective instinct towards a partner that should be present. It’s hideous, and despicable like you say. Don’t let anything he says now let you forget his capacity for cruelty.

Are you taking care of basic needs, eating and drinking?

Thanks for your responses.

I have been moved to labour ward. I have begged, pleaded for him to come up here. I know he has treated me disgustingly and horrifically but I am trying to compartmentalise that part because I don’t know how I can imagine the birth of our first child without him here.

I am obviously completely done with him and I’ll never forgive him for his actions but in my heart I’m terrified of him missing the birth.

My family have now got involved and are giving him a mouthful so he’s now using that as an excuse to justify his disgusting behaviour

I am devastated :(

I’m trying so hard to navigate this and change my mindset but something I was so looking forward to I am now dreading and feel he is going to take the happiness out of the whole thing for me. Have never felt so heartbroken and I never dreamed he would do this to me. It’s not normal :(

Ask a friend or relative to be with you at the birth , do not leave the hospital with him. You and baby need to go home with people who care about you

You can't have someone like that in the room with you. Please get a family member in to help you now. You need support and this idiot is just causing you stress. He's abusive. You do not need that around you or your child.

Please think carefully about putting his name on the birth certificate.

I think you need to shift your attention away from him. He is not worth it, he has checked out on you and your child. Get all the support you can from your family for the birth, honestly I would tell them not to waste their energy trying to get him involved, he sadly doesn't seem to care. But it's great that you do have family who care about you - they are your partners in this now.

Have a family member at the birth if you can and put all your energies into yourself and your baby with your family around you. Hoping the birth goes well, and a life moving forward without this manchild.

Oh gosh, what an absolutely despicable piece of shit he is.

please try to focus on yourself & your baby.

Don’t waste any of your precious energy on trying to engage with him.

Ask your family to support you & there’s no point in them engaging with him either.

I hope your baby can stay in for a bit longer.

F

How you feel is completely understandable. Your vision of giving birth has him in it, supporting you. But how can he support you now. Even if he were full of remorse and to try, I think you’d still not feel supported because you’d not trust it.

How dare he fuck you over in this way! But he has, and you have other people who love you. Let them take care of you for now. I think him at the birth may well be more toxic for you than not.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you, when you really need him.
He's despicable.
I hope the birth goes well, in spite of this.
You're so vulnerable and he's just abandoned you.

He's presumably now an ex partner and you're going to be a single parent. Why would you want him at the birth? He'll be no help. Good luck, you are a strong woman and can do this on your own.