Pregnant and freelance: what is a fair approach to finances?

[FeministaGB]

I'm five months pregnant with first child, am high risk but it's going ok so far. The problem is...I'm freelance. I've just turned down what would have been an incredibly stressful project that would have taken me up to Christmas. I'm happy to have made this decision but it now means I've only had two weeks of paid work since February. Which is quite stressful in itself.

I'm lucky to have an (emotionally) supportive husband but we have always kept our finances separate - rent/bills split down the middle, eating out paid by who got what. We have completely different approaches to money - I'm less bothered about amounts and will pay for one round (when I used to get rounds!) and a friend pays for the next. He wants it divided fairly by who owes what.

I feel like I'm now just eating into my savings because I can't find jobs that would be feasible for me while pregnant but I don't know what's a reasonable approach to take with husband re finances - he doesn't have to dip into savings, he's not pregnant. But as things are going I feel like I'm going to end up left with no savings leftover after birth and taking care of baby because I don't see what work I'm going to be able to do for a long time now.

I don't know how to approach this at all - I feel like by keeping finances totally separate for over a decade we've perhaps been saving up problems for later. Any advice?!?! If I came up with a reasonable approach I think he'd be ok with it but I have no idea what is a fair way to tackle this.

This is going to get a whole lot trickier when children come along

I mean… I would just sit down with husband and have a chat (although never would have even needed to tbh and certainly not at 5 months pregnant)

but I don’t get the impression that’s a possibility?

Send him a bill for the costs you're incurring whilst carrying his child!

Do you feel like you cant talk to him after 10 years together? Are you scared of his reaction?

What did he say when you spoke about getting pregnant?

I can talk to him - it's just that when we first started going out it became a big problem and we sort of muddled our way through it by being separate. I know, and so does he, that we're going to have to come to some sort of arrangement, and he keeps telling me not to worry about money. I don't really know how to go from zero mixed finances to...what? He pays for my whole life? I've been used to being independent of anyone else for a really long time.
I know it'll be even harder once we have baby - but baby I think would be a different thing. That's clear cut. It's my living costs that I don't know how to sort out. Do I just expect him to pay for everything?

So if you can talk to him, what have you come here first?

He sounds like an embarrassing partner to take out for a meal with friends!

To see how other people have managed to make this worth and what I should suggest to him. And perhaps for some support? I thought that's what this forum was for.

What was the “big problem”?

But do you need support because you think your husband is going to be difficult? With his pregnant very financially vulnerable wife?

We didn't really talk about finances. I know that's probably stupid in hindsight but we were both just excited about having a baby together

but what was the “big problem” when you first got together which led to totally separate finances?

Do you even know how much he earns? What savings he has?

I think it's fair that he covers your living costs from now...unless you are a single parent?

You need to talk to him, you need to say I’m really stressed about finances. Make sure you put it clearly that if he isn’t planning to take time off work for you to work now there’s a baby, then there’s a gap. And a family fills that gap as a family, but if he thinks you should have taken the project and work like there’s no baby, just like he is, or it’s your fault you’re not working, like it’s not his baby too, and he hasn’t quit work to care for it, then there’s a huge communication and sharing gap.

Oh gosh this is difficult. Personally my husband and I have one account and all our money goes into it and we just spend from there, all our money is joint despite earning different amounts of money. It makes life so much easier and we are one family, one team.

Do you want to share money with him?

You need to talk.

Create a budget.
Discuss what is realistic.
Work on becoming a team.

Who does what - now, once baby is born, and longer term. Call it a 5-year plan if you like.

You are now Team Baby - this is a joint effort, and you each contribute to the best of your respective abilities, in terms of finances, childcare and general household responsibilities.

Combining all income and outgoings in one joint account may be a good start.

Well, he needs to support you (and his baby) for the time being whilst you are unable to work.
Will his income cover all your household bills and expenses? If so, that's what should happen. If it doesn't, he needs to contribute what he earns and then the difference comes out of both your savings.
Once you are in a position to work again (which would typically be in line with maternity leave in my mind) I personally think it would be reasonable for him to expect you to do so, although that really is a conversation you should have had prior to this point and now need to have asap, as there will be childcare costs you both should contribute to.

It's madness to operate finances like this when you have been married for any amount of time and especially when you have a child on the way, because if you split up the assets would be shared legally anyway. The way you operate your finances is nowhere near reflective of your actual position in law. Kind of a smokescreen.

It's incredibly difficult to keep separate finances fairly once you have children. Even if you can work out ways to manage fairly in respect of your lost earnings and pension while pregnant and postpartum, how do you deal with the longer term hit that comes from loss of progression?

At the very least you need to make a plan together to cover the next couple of years. Keep reminding yourself that it is not simply a question of him "paying for your whole life"- you are having a baby together and are a family unit. You are both contributing to that unit, whether that's in paid work or the unpaid work of gestating, birthing and raising a baby. It is really important that you both see what you are doing as being of value to your family, even if that value does not translate easily into a cash equivalent.

How is his income and savings? Could you all live on his income for the next couple of years and then return to separate finances afterwards if you wish (noting that childcare and all items for your child will be a joint expense, not your expense)? Ideally he should also continue to fund your pension, even if that can only be £2880 per annum (the max if you are not earning) while you are not working.

“He doesn’t have to dip into savings, he’s not pregnant”

This is ludicrous. He should be just as financially impacted by your shared child as you are. That doesn’t just mean lost wages. He should be covering his share of the additional expenses you are facing while pregnant. Maternity clothing, the cost of traveling to medical appointments, food that you can tolerate when you have morning sickness, etc. All of these little costs add up and he should be paying his share.

This is why most couples pool money when children are involved. There are so many costs to having children that it is next to impossible to include them all in a spreadsheet.

You are getting an excellent example of your life for the next 18 years. Your income is going to be impacted again and again as you select jobs that work around the demands of parenting. With you working freelance and separate finances, he is doubly insulated from the real impact of the radical lifestyle change that your family is undergoing.

I had a child last year and am freelance. I was back doing some work about six weeks in which i would NOT recommend but it was a good client who provided lots of work so worked out in the end. Work has been here and there as I've not been able to spend as much time reaching out to clients/liaising and am mostly a stay at home mum balancing work in naptimes and evenings. It's a juggle! My husband and I have always pooled our resources and it's seen us through times where one of us has been out of work and vice versa. We both see it as our shared fund. Maybe you and your partner need to sit down and discuss a similar arrangement as worrying about your finances at this crucial stage, especially being high risk, is a LOT. Sending love to you and your little one

And this is why the world stays populated! Heart over head…

If you're not earning he pays for everything. He to look d you not to worry about money.
You'd get statutory maternity pay though.

but it now means I've only had two weeks of paid work since February. Which is quite stressful in itself.

my partner is freelance so I am
familiar with the ups and downs of workflow but is there a reason you haven’t worked in so long (illness? Ttc?) and how have you managed so far?

obviously the father needs to support you however, a period of no income that length would be a worry to me. My partner always promised 3 months plus of nothing and he’d look for agency or full time work.

only you know how your pregnant is going but re: the new project, as long as it’s not scheduled to finish after the birth, it’s worth remembering that many women work right up to the wire in PAYE jobs. Obviously if baby comes earlier that’s not ideal but in the context of 2 weeks work in a year I’d probably take that chance.