Abortion guilt - friends unable to have DC

[pregq]

I have been adamant for years that if I ever fell pregnant that I would abort without a second thought.

I recently found out that I am 8 weeks pregnant, which came as a massive shock.

I am wondering if it is just hormones but all of a sudden I am feeling incredibly guilty about my plan to abort.

I have a couple of friends who are desperate to get pregnant but can't and I have this living thing inside me that I want to get rid of.

I've always had sympathy for my friends who are unable to conceive but I have never felt that other women should feel guilty just because they are able to conceive.
It's like feeling guilty for not having cancer.

I didn't think I would ever get emotional over having an abortion as I am quite a black and white thinker. Perhaps it is because I am further along than I thought I would be.

I just feel so guilty.
I know I don't want a baby because if I had the opportunity to take it out now and put it into someone else's womb then I would.

No one in RL knows that I am pregnant.

Has anyone else been through this and felt similar?

I have been adamant for years that if I ever fell pregnant that I would abort without a second thought

Seems very odd not to use reliable contraception in this scenario

Yes. I have. Not with friends though.

My aunt was unable to have children and used to pretend my siblings I were hers. I became pregnant through stupidity and had a termination but never told anyone. My mum had died by this stage and so I confided in my aunt.

She hated me after that. I was accused of leading someone on and murdering their child and called selfish and unhinged.

I never felt guilty, but felt sad about the damage to my relationship with my aunt which never recovered.

I know I did absolutely the right thing for me and shall never regret it. Do you have anyone trustworthy to confide in? I'm starting therapy to talk about it.

Helpful...

My contraceptive pill has worked for the past 17 years, so there was no reason to assume it would fail this time...

Look at it this way - you cannot be expected to have a baby just because other people can't! The last thing your friends would want would be you to bring an unwanted child into the world somehow on their account.

I am so sorry you went through that.

I definitely wouldn't tell my friends who are unable to conceive but I do not think there is anyone I can speak to in RL where it wouldn't risk getting back to those friends.

I also don't really want the drama of other people's opinions or putting thoughts into my head and me worrying if I am making the wrong decision.

I already am second guessing myself, even though I know I do not want any children. But I think that is hormones and feeling like I should feel lucky to be pregnant type thing.

I am really sorry you find yourself in this position. But just remember that you can’t magic this away or solve a different problem. Just like your job won’t solve someone’s unemployment and your food won’t solve someone else’s hunger yknow? Thinking about what other people would want or might do isn’t going to help you figure out what’s best to do for you. I hope you find your peace with whatever happens next.

It's very normal to feel conflicted. Women have evolved to feel protective of their pregnancies for obvious reasons. I would access abortion counselling and have an open-minded chat about it.

I don't understand why you thought this is a completely unemotional thing to do?

Are you meaning you want to have the baby adopted? Not quite sure, but you seem to be saying you're feeling bad if people can't have children? Or do you mean you're now feeling you want to keep your baby, because you have now changed your mind about abortion? If you want to look into adoption, you can do this. Never been through it personally, but obviously I've got friends who were adopted, and some of my kids' friends are. If you mean you want to keep the baby, that's of course your choice.
When it comes down to it, this is your life, and don't let anyone force you into making a decision. If you feel counselling would be helpful for you, look into this.

Normal feelings - but even if you had the baby, it doesn’t change their situations? If abortion is right for you and your partner then it’s only your decision. And consider a longer acting or permanent contraceptive

For some people it is, it was for me. I felt the same as the OP, had a contraception failure, the only emotion I felt was “fuck I don’t want to be pregnant”. Never regretted it or even thought about it since to be honest.

Life isnt far. You are pregnant with a baby you dont want and they are desperate for a pregnancy and baby they haven't got yet.

Two things can be true at the same time. You can not want to be pregnant or have a baby and still feel guilty that people you love are hurt that they dont have what you have and dont want.

I think you'd benefit from councelling before you terminate the pregnancy and possibly after. It not easy even when you are absolutely certain about your choice it can impact you. At the very least it will give you someone impartial to talk things through with.

You having a child you don’t want is in no way helpful to your friends who are unhappily childless.

It's not that I thought it would be unemotional but I am a very black and white thinker.

If I get bad news I don't cry or get upset etc, I literally just look at the facts and take emotions out of it and work out the best plan of action.

I work in a job that sees a lot of things and so although I am very empathetic, I just have a very realistic/unemotional way of looking at things.

This is dreadfully sad. I’m sorry your poor aunt wasn’t able to seek the psychological support she needed. The breakdown of your relationship was not your fault.

It’s obviously entirely your decision and I hope it all goes well for you.
But you won’t be able mention your termination to anyone in your friendship circle at all, ever, so you might need to consider what you could do in the future if you do want to talk about it to someone. Perhaps keep the idea of professional help in mind?
No judgement but you seem to be a bit shocked about how it has happened, have you had any bouts of D&V or flu etc within the last couple of months?

Honestly I am just full of confusion and emotions that I have not felt before and so I am probably just rambling.

There is no way I would want to carry a baby to full term and give birth (I had a very traumatic birth and had PTSD and PND from it).

So no I do not want to give it up for adoption.
I would like a way to magically transfer it to a woman who would love it but I know that's not possible.

This is a perfect response. Better than I could have put it

Are you feeling guilt because of other people being unable to concieve or are you feeling guilt because you are now actually in this situation, its not a hypothetical anymore, it's reality.
You say you you always said you assumrd would abort without a second thought but now you are feeling emotions you didn't expect.

I would really encourage you to sit and think about what you are feeling and why before making any decisions.

💐

It not easy even when you are absolutely certain about your choice it can impact you. At the very least it will give you someone impartial to talk things through with.

I think perhaps this is what I am struggling with - I have been adamant for years that I do not want a child.
I have separated from really nice men because they have wanted kids and I don't.
I even asked to be sterilised at one point as I don't like the idea of being on the pill long term.

But now all of a sudden I have all these emotions which is very odd to me.

A bit of both.

I think its the realisation of how 'lucky I am' that I am able to conceive when so many people struggle and should I perhaps feel blessed about it.

I was very young when I had my DC and so I have never needed to TTC.

I have spent years on here and talking to my friends who struggle TC and although I feel sad for them, it has never really affected me.

A few hours before I found out I was pregnant I had a long emotional talk to my friend about how desperate she is and as soon as I found out about being pregnant I just felt guilty and can't seem to shake it.

Please do find someone impartial to talk to - whatever you do it’s likely to stick with you. I had an abortion as a teenager and while I never regretted it, when I was struggling with infertility in my 30s, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So things can trigger you much longer than you might think. It’s so important to feel at peace with your decision if at all possible.

Your life, circumstances, body and pregnancy are all yours. It’s never crossed my mind to consider any one else’s situation when in the same position you are now and it’s not that I’m not sympathetic to others. It’s not feasible to bring life into the world and fuck my own life up, just because others can’t, so therefore no point in dwelling on it.

You are 8 weeks, set up the councelling and talk it through with a professional, you have time to make a decision. Both decision have an impact, emotionally, physically and psychologically. It just comes down to what choice you can live with. Also you are allowed to change your mind a theoretical pregnancy and baby is very different from an actual one. Do what is right for you.

You need to stop thinking about other people's circumstances.

The question is simple, do you want a baby?

You don't have to tell any of your friends about this.