Should i keep this baby:(

[Gameoveror]

I have discovered I'm pregnant and I will be aboit 7 weeks. Im absolutely distraught. For the following reasons:
Ive been drinking and smoking heavily throughout
My partner is autistic and has autism throughout his family, some severe
Im over 40

I need to terminate don't I :(
Ive never had a child. I'm broke. I'm distraught right now

Drinking and smoking up to 7 weeks won’t affect the baby as it lives off the yolk sac rather than the placenta until around this time.

Autism isn’t necessarily genetic and it’s unlikely that your child will be born with it.

Lots of people become a mother after 40.

None of these things are problems, but do you want to be a mother? That’s the most important question .

I can really hear your distress in your words. I'm so sorry you're facing such a difficult decision. No one can tell you what the better course of action is for you. You do have time to pause and think about this. Maybe it would be helpful to speak to a professional about how likely it is that the foetus will have been harmed by the smoking and drinking. Please try not to criticise yourself. You didn't know xx

The smoking and drinking won’t have impacted the baby.

Autism can be genetic but isn’t always passed on. And many autistic people make great parents.

Women over 40 have been having healthy babies for millennia.

The main question you need to answer is do YOU WANT a baby? If so- go ahead. It would appear the stars have aligned to make this happen.

If not- termination is available and accessible. And then make sure your contraception is better.

Ok. Take a beat.

I’ve had an abortion that I don’t regret, so no judgement from me - but you don’t need to do anything.

Firstly, do you want a child? Are you distraught because you’re pregnant, or distraught at the thought of an abortion?

Services like BPAS and Marie Stopes offer counselling - would that be something you’d think could help?

Thank you for your replies, it's really comforting to hear from you.
On the "plus" side I'm really healthy (as crazy as that may sound with the lifestyle info I gave you, its true - I do a lot of sport and eat very healthily so I guess there's that).
I have an appointment and scan on Tuesday where I have told them already I want an abortion. I don't know what to do. I'm not equipped for this, my partner is unsupportive and this was a genuine accident (I'm on the pill and did NOT mess up taking it, so have no idea how this happened). I'm also in the process of moving to the other end of the country.
I was pretty sure I didn't want kids but now I feel this weird attachment to whatever is inside me. And I feel huge amounts of guilt, like I've caused it harm. Also huge amounts of guilt because I'm surrounded by women who have been actively trying for years. It makes me feel terrible.

Don't worry about the smoking and drinking, it's only been the last 40 years or so that people started taking that seriously.

It's not ideal of course but it's well within my living memory that Mum's to be drank Guinness to boost their iron levels.

It used to be common that people didn't find out they were pregnant until at least 6 weeks (tests were prohibitively expensive so ladies waited for NHS tests) and didn't stop smoking for a least the first 6 weeks.

I won't comment on the autism concerns as I don't know how that works genetically.

All the best and hope you make the best decision for you.

Can they do tests to see whether you have harmed it through drinking and smoking?

How old is your partner?

Can you do this alone especially if the baby has significant needs?

I think only after baby is born

I dont think I can, either psychologically or financially :(

Partner is 38

I completely appreciate your worry. You can get an advance Non invasive prenatal test (NIPT) from places like window to the womb from 10 weeks to help determine if there is a likelihood of genetic disorders. This may ease some anxiety but I understand you may have feelings not to continue with the pregnancy. Just want to let you know as I had the most deliberately anxiety and depression during pregnancy that I didn’t feel I could continue but NIPT helped me make a decision

NIPT can’t pick up autism

That’s true but it can pick up on other generic disorders and it can help to make an informed decision

Do you want to have a baby?

Hi OP. I’m sorry you are in this situation. I also only found out I was pregnant at 7/8 weeks and also had been drinking heavily. I considered terminating but didn’t and had the most wonderful daughter. I couldn’t imagine not having her in my life. She’s 8 and I wouldn’t change a thing about her.

However, the guilt that I have still lives with me to this day and I really struggled with anxiety about how I might have affected her - this is down to my own anxiety/OCD issues but it took me a few years to get a handle on my own anxiety.

In terms of the drinking etc, chances are your baby will be fine too so long as you stop drinking/smoking now. I’m not a doctor but I was given these assurances many times by different doctors/midwifes. Who knows, maybe it would have had some small effect but chances are your baby will be fine so I wouldn’t necessarily factor that into your decision making.

So I think the main thing is how would YOU cope and do you want to be a mother? Could you make it work financially? At the end of the day do you want a baby? Would you be prepared if your baby had autism like your partner too? How long have you been together, would you be doing it together or on your own? Do you have a support network?

I have never looked back on my decision to have my child (now children). But everyone is different. Don’t rush into anything and take time to think about it. So sorry this has caused you so much upset. Sending hugs xx

• Autism isn't usually profoundly disabling, although that risk is there. I have a job and own my home despite being autistic.
• Don't worry too much about the smoking and drinking this early on, the brain isn't developing yet.
• The question is: how would you feel if you miscarried tomorrow? Relief? Sorrow? Asking yourself how you'd feel if you miscarried takes the "I'm doing a thing that some people think is wrong" aspect away and gets you to focus on how you feel about motherhood instead of how you feel about abortion.
• The Pill is 99% reliable per woman-year with perfect use. That means that if 100 women took the Pill, 99 are expected to make it to the end of the year without getting pregnant. One of them is expected to get pregnant. What you made you think it wouldn't be you? Consider a copper IUD if your periods are usually fairly comfortable, as they aren't affected by illness and don't quadruple your risk of having a stroke the way the Pill does, and get your fella to use latex-free condoms as well. I've spent most of my life using "double dutch" contraception because I don't trust one method alone.

How dare you? You disgusting person. Keep your vile comments to yourself.

This is your answer then OP.

if you don’t think you’re prepared or equipped to raise a child with potentially severe autism or other health needs on your own if your partner left you then a termination is the best choice.

That's really uncalled for.

The Politics board is over there ➡

Understandable to be worried, and many mums will find themselves in this position, babies conceived after drinking/smoking etc and arrive completely unharmed. So please don’t make this the reason why you might chose an abortion.

take time to think and do what’s right for you. Personally, even in the circumstances you describe I would have the baby. Wishing you all the very best.

The other very real side to can you live with a termination is can you live if you don't terminate. Do you have the support network to raise a dc with autism? Are you in an emotional and financial place to raise any dc?
There isn't one right answer, only what is right for you. You could use a counseling service to talk it through before you make any decisions.

It is easy to get caught up emotionally in the “now” but it’s important to focus on the bigger picture. Do you think you could raise a child (potentially alone) for the next 18 years? Do you want to?

shovel the emotions of guilt and worry to one side - they will go, you have to look at what your life is going to look like either way.