Husband doesn't want surprises 3rd baby

[Mumoftwoboys12345]

Hello I need some help I am a mum of 2 boys 5 and 6 recently me and my husband found out I’m pregnant with a supprise baby no 3 my husbands first reaction was screaming f* and walked away from me then when he came back he asked me to get an abortion I have always wanted another baby and we agreed that next year we would try he is telling me it’s the wrong time we can try next year and he can’t deal with it right me we have talked a lot I have said I don’t want an abortion but if he’s really so against it I would think about it but I would never forgive him. The next day he’s sending me clinics and made an telephone appointment for me already I never actually said yes I said I would think about it I feel like he’s made the decision for us I thought I was okay with it untill today I just don’t think I can do it, he has also been really struggling with the news he hasn’t eaten really and his blood pressure is very high I don’t want to stress him out and make him I’ll but at the same time I do want this baby I’m so stuck on what to do any advice please 🙏

Get some counselling. He’s really over reacting. Is he otherwise a good husband? Is this totally unexpected from him? Have your other pregnancies/ children been very difficult? It’s such an extreme reaction.
is he shagging someone at work?

He never wanted a third child. He told you that to placate you and hope you’d change your mind as the age gap got bigger.
Your children are 5 and 6, so he probably feels the baby days are over and life is getting a bit easier. A new baby will change all of that.
If you really want a baby, you will look past needing a bigger house, your children having to share a room etc. He doesn’t want to see past this because he doesn’t want a third child.

You are only six weeks gone. I would wait and see what happens. If you want to keep the baby, keep it, but accept the marriage may be over. Can you afford to be a single mother on maternity leave? (I know he has to provide for his children but it will still be difficult). Can you see yourself raising three children on your own?

I think you need to have a sensible conversation once you have both calmed down and had time to digest. He is definitely wrong trying to force you into having a termination. I also don’t think you were entirely reasonable for telling him you’d “never forgive him”.

You can keep your marriage, or the pregnancy but perhaps not both. I hope you make a decision you, and your existing children, can live with.

Why does he, he's perfectly entitled to say he doesn't want a child just as she's entitled to say she wants one. She blurred the lines by telling him she would consider abortion.
For the OP I think you need to decide if you want a life with your husband or a life without him, he may ultimately leave, at best, he may stay but resent the child and not interact with the child

What was he doing about contraception?

I am not sure the comments about contraception and future plans are relevant to the point at hand.

The situation is a baby that is wanted by one partner and unwanted by another. The decision to have the baby or not lies with the OP. Her husband can cry, shout, sulk, manipulate - it’s up to the OP.

Leaving aside how they both handle the situation, it’s a horrible situation for both of them.

I think the OP needs to think through the options including that of the separating and being divorced with a 5 and 6 year old and divorced with a 5,6 and a newborn.

Yep, it’s basically a ‘him or the baby’ scenario, isn’t it? Because the marriage will never be the same hereafter which ever choice you make. It’s quite clear that he had no intention of trying for a 3rd next year - that was to pacify you now and kick the difficult conversation down the road into the future.

Speak to your GP and get some independent counselling as you are faces with aborting a baby you want to save your marriage [and living with the grief for ever], or going it alone without him. That’s not a decision you should make without independent, specialised support.

He doesn't want another baby. He was lying when he talked about next year just to shut you up. It depends whether you want another baby enough to destroy your marriage, which will obviously have a massive impact on your existing children. So this isn't just about what you want.

It sounds like he never even wanted a second baby tbh.

He’s not wrong to not want a baby, but the way he is going about the situation is entirely wrong.

To be honest, if this were me and my DH I would be the one screaming ‘fuck!’ and ringing the clinics, so I can understand absolutely not wanting another child. I would not, however, treat my DH’s feelings on it with such pressure and dismissal.

I have been in your shoes albeit my husband had a little more respect for my bodily autonomy. He asked me to get an abortion and I declined. Our surprise third is the light of our lives and our older two love their surprise sibling. If your hubby didn’t want a third he should have used condoms, abortion at his convenience is not a form of contraception; he’s got you pregnant now so time for him to get a grip on himself.

Did he take full responsibility for contraception?

Sounds like he was lying about being ok to have a third next year.

Dont have an abortion you dont want to have, but be prepared to go it alone.

“We can try next year”

what’s the bet next year never comes and there is another excuse

Was he using condoms?

Off hand I can recall 2 instances of couples where a 3rd and 4th baby was conceived by chance. Neither woman wanted a termination. In both cases the husband didn't want the baby, ignored the poor baby after they were born. Never accepted them, never spoke to them etc. Both couples were in comfortable financial circumstances - one with private income even.
One marriage ended quickly; one marriage continued . I lost touch with the latter after a few years. I can't imagine how awful the atmosphere must have been in that house. ( Said husband openly took to frequenting prostitutes. Presumably to avoid any possibility of another pregnancy with wife?)
Amazingly when I recently crossed paths with him, his ( male) friends are still standing by him though, as if nothing untoward has occurred.! )

Do what you want irrelevant of the prick you married, but be prepared to go it alone with your existing two or the three either way. I say this as someone who has been where you are with my first, an accidental pregnancy that my boyfriend tried to force me to abort. I ditched him and kept the baby who has always been the light of my life. I knew I was in it on my own though and fully prepared, if you’re not that’s fine and you know you have to abort but also end your marriage.

How could he have wanted to retire at 50 AND try for a baby next year? At least one of these is not true. Your baby will be due next year anyway, so that is another bit that he is being illogical about. He clearly thinks very little of you if he thinks flowers and ice cream will convince you to terminate. Does he often try to buy people or bully them to do his command?

I was with you until you told OP she was unreasonable to say she would never forgive him. Like hell would I ever forgive any man who forced me to abort a baby I wanted. Like hell would I ever forgive any man who thought he had such rights over my body. OP isn’t wrong, she’s 100% honest that she will never look at him in the same way ever again if he forces this on her.

Sorry he’s done this.

agree with posters saying it seems unlikely he ever wanted DC3.

Few people can retire at 50.

Unfortunately he’s clearly no longer reliable partner, so whatever your decision about DC3 (solely your decision) it’d be sensible to prioritise improving your personal earning ability. DC3 would make that harder.

Having an abortion you dint want is a trauma that will stay with you forever. It doesn’t just go away. Don’t do it.

Given his reasons for not having this baby, it shows he was never going to be ready to try for no 3. I am sorry OP. I really don’t like how he is making appointments for you and trying to cajole you with flowers. It’s all very controlling, like he has decided.

It’s your choice whether or not to keep the baby. He can have a view if course but it’s not his decision. Either way, one (or both) of you could end up resentful. Good luck.

This is a no win situation. He’s handling it wrong but maybe he’s just terrified (not an excuse). Tell him you both need to stay calm and not discuss it all for one week. Then you talk. Everything will be calmer then.

He’s being a bully! Ffs! 🤦‍♀️

Im really sorry OP but if I was the man in this situation Id leave you if you insisted on a 3rd baby.
Your house isnt big enough and this is more years he has to support the family as you wont be working.
Ive done all this myself supported a whole family as husband of the time didnt work.
I got accidentally pregnant - both our faults and had an abortion while he screamed and ranted that he wanted the baby. We already had one and that was enough for me.
He just doesnt sound as if he can take any more of it.
Do you want your marriage to end? Isnt your life happy enough now? Why destroy everything for another baby?
It doesnt sound as if he wants another baby at all not next year, not ever. What would you do if you then got pregnant a 4th or 5th time or if this baby was severely disabled.
Everything is good now. Why wreck it.
My friend had a 3rd baby and he was profoundly disabled. It destroyed all of them.