Husband doesn't want surprises 3rd baby

[Mumoftwoboys12345]

Hello I need some help I am a mum of 2 boys 5 and 6 recently me and my husband found out I’m pregnant with a supprise baby no 3 my husbands first reaction was screaming f* and walked away from me then when he came back he asked me to get an abortion I have always wanted another baby and we agreed that next year we would try he is telling me it’s the wrong time we can try next year and he can’t deal with it right me we have talked a lot I have said I don’t want an abortion but if he’s really so against it I would think about it but I would never forgive him. The next day he’s sending me clinics and made an telephone appointment for me already I never actually said yes I said I would think about it I feel like he’s made the decision for us I thought I was okay with it untill today I just don’t think I can do it, he has also been really struggling with the news he hasn’t eaten really and his blood pressure is very high I don’t want to stress him out and make him I’ll but at the same time I do want this baby I’m so stuck on what to do any advice please 🙏

He never wanted to try next year. I have three kids and number three was a surprise, but we intended to have another after we had moved house. DH was happy because we wanted another baby - it was a pain timing wise, but that’s a logistical issue we could overcome.

Your husband’s reaction is horrible, but you can’t force him to want another baby. Also - he won’t just love it when it gets here. It’s not the same for men. If you get an abortion for him you will probably resent him forever. This is a horrible situation, but I think you need to accept he didn’t want another baby. Personally I wouldn’t abort, I would leave him if needs be but I wouldn’t be pushed into an abortion. I am pro choice btw so I’m not saying abortion is wrong, but this isn’t really a choice as it seems like you’re getting pushed

“He hasn’t saved”. erm what about you?

Given his stress levels and reading between the lines I suspect the entire financial burden is all on him. OP do you actually know if you can afford another child? Have you taken that in consideration at all? Have you considered any of the practicalities?

I hope that you are right
Maybe if OP’s dh calms down he may change his mind .
The problem is that he has already sent her information regarding clinics which suggests that he definitely wants to terminate the pregnancy asap
Op wants the baby and may not be able to forgive him if he forces her to terminate the pregnancy . So yes based on this , I think that the marriage is effectively over

He could have at least had a respectful conversation with you about it. He is entitled to his opinion, but that reaction is not on.

There’s plenty in her last post to indicate they can’t afford another child. Or at least, afford another child without a drop in living standards.

You are not reasonable to want/not want the baby.

The alleged willingness to try next year is very strange. This baby would be born in 2027 and 2027 is just a few months away. The speed at which he booked a termination appointment is very concerning.

Sadly I think that the marriage is over too. Have the baby and he’ll resent you and possibly treatment dc3 differently. Don’t have the child and you’ll resent him and find bonding with the theoretical dc4 difficult as you’ll be thinking about dc3.

I would look into the practicalities of single parenthood and consider getting my ducks in a row. For example if you have savings that you were going to use on a big purchase then not doing it until your relationship status is clearer in your mind because that money might be better for costs like setting up a new home.

Your body your choice. If he didn’t want anymore after 2 he should have got the snip! If he chooses to leave he’ll still have to pay for child and have some custody, unless it turns out he’s a complete douchebag.

A man should not bully a woman into a termination. Horrible behaviour, and it seems he was future faking about trying for a baby in the future.

Bit of back story we live in the south of England in we own a large 3 bed house I work 3 self employed jobs around the kids I pay for the food shopping he pays for everything else, he makes good money for example we don’t budget if we wanted to go out for dinner we could if we wanted to buy a new tv we could we are overpaying our mortgage we max out our pension

he says he dosent want to work untill he’s 60
he wants to retire at 50
he is 36 I’m 32

I’m not being funny but the fact he came home with flowers and ice cream as a compensation and tried to bribe you to get a termination with flashy things suggests he’s devoid of a soul.

Never had an abortion myself but I stayed with my friend when she had one during uni and it was a traumatic event for her. She didn’t even want the baby but it was physically really distressing and uncomfortable for her so I can’t imagine what that would do to someone who wants a baby.

If you were going to try next year what difference does a few months make? Will your house be bigger, your other 2 will only be one year older and you wouldn't be able to work any more than you will now. Having an abortion unwillingly will affect you forever, he will get used to having a child one year older than he intended, if that is what he intended.

Send him to the gp for his blood pressure they can control it easily with blood pressure medication.

What would be best for you existing children?
If this ended your marriage, how would they be affected?
Is a thid child worth possible effects on them?

He's entitled not to want a baby, just as much as you're entitled to want one. Don't have an abortion you don't want. I think it's almost impossible for the marriage to come back from this point, so make concrete, actionable plans for how you can go it alone as a single parent. Aim to divorce amicably and hope that once you've separated, he can find a way to work with you to be a fantastic co-parent to your three shared children.

@Sherararara op says the reasons he gave aren't true, and he has offered to move to a bigger house if she has an abortion so it doesn't sound like money is a massive issue.

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There is going to be resentment whichever way this works out. This ultimately could be the end of your marriage and you have to consider raising 3 children possibly on 50/50 or even more time with you. I am not saying you should terminate but you have to weigh up all possibilities. Yes there will be posters saying they had a third child and it all worked out but there are also ones where it ended in divorce.

His next year suggestion feels a bit strange considering the age gap you have between your two now. Were you planning to move house to accommodate another child? Can you fit 3 car seats in your cars? Have you considered all the implications of 3 children long term. What if this child has additional needs and you cannot work? How do you think it will affect your current children?

There is no compromise here, you both want entirely different things, and there is no option to meet in the middle.

I absolutely do not want another child, and should I be so unlucky as to get pregnant again (all steps taken to ensure I don’t) there is absolutely nothing anyone could say to make me keep the baby, so I get where he is coming from.

The only things I’m confused about is why he agreed to try again next year, because that makes no sense.

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No he is being a bully and not prepared to discuss the pregnancy like an adult. Of course @Mumoftwoboys12345 is emotional, she wants the baby but her husband has reacted badly and has been unwilling to take any responsibility despite being the one who impregnated her.
On a practical level the family is stable and would be able to incorporate a new baby into their current setup.
It doesn't have to be marriage ending but perhaps try and sit down and speak to.him calmly with pros and cons. Some counselling too. Is your husband always do callous?

If going ahead with the pregnancy means the end of the marriage. Unbelievably sad for the other 2 boys.

Another baby will slot into their lives. Their parents marriage ending will change their little lives for ever.

No wonder your hubby can't eat. You have some serious discussions ahead.

Good luck for however it goes.
X

If it was me I would keep the baby. I wouldn’t rush to divorce or separation without seeing how the next year pans out (if he refuses to accept new baby lovingly). If I aborted in your scenario I could never look at him again.

I was brow beaten into a termination I didn’t want and our relationship ended shortly afterwards. We’d been together 11 years at that point and I thought we both wanted the baby.

Thankfully, I met someone else a couple of years later and we had a son together and I now believe it all worked out for the best in the end.

You clearly want this baby and as you already have two children together, I wouldn’t want to have a termination in your circumstances.

I think this might be the end of your marriage. I don’t think he ever wanted to try for a baby in a year, but was trying to string it out. I’m sorry it’s very difficult and he sounds like an arse.

Then why was he ok about trying next year? That would mean next year’s baby would be even younger at his proposed retirement age.

Honestly I don’t like the sound of him, I’d rather have the baby than him if it was a choice.

He never did want another op, and this has forced the issue. Either way one of you is unlikely to forgive the other. I’m sorry.

He brought you flowers and icecream and offered a bigger house if you had a termination?!
This is an irreconcilable difference, if you have a termination you will never be able to forgive him if you want the baby, if you have the baby your DH will not want it….
I don’t believe he would have gone with the plan of trying for a baby next year, he obviously doesn’t want anymore and has just been stringing you along in the hope you decide to stop at 2.
He is not wrong to not want a 3rd baby (although he should have had a vasectomy if he was going to behave like this with the news of unexpected pregnancy) and you are not wrong to want to keep the baby.
We had a surprise 3rd baby when our youngest was 5… I knew I couldn’t have gone through with a termination, luckily for me my DH was on board.
It sounds like this baby is going to blow up your marriage and family life as you know it, I would keep the baby in your shoes because your DH is behaving like a total idiot, this is can’t be the only time he’s behaved like this over something unexpected/when things don’t go his way.
Your next step depends on how you want your future to be.