Do i get to be selfish in pregnancy?

[Newmum931]

I am 30 weeks pregnant and I am having a difficult time dealing with my sisters fertility troubles after the things she said to me.
She has been having issues getting pregnant for years and has just told me after i got pregnant earlier this year about it all. Things came to a head with us a month ago as I told her for the time being I did not have the capacity to deal with other ppls issues at the moment as I am going through a difficult part of my pregnancy and would like to focus on my journey from this point on and keep a postivie focus on my labour and rest of my birth. I didnt say it like this i just said I dont have the capacity for others issues at the moment trying to set a boundary. She complained to me that she cant expect other to treat her how she treats them after me saying this and mentioned how if it was me she'd be there, i found this very shocking and hurtful as all through my pregnancy i have checked in with her about her struggles and I ask her how she is all the time and she always tells me she is fine whenever I ask but during this confrontation she said she has had very bad days which she has never mentioned before. We have had lengthy conversations about her journey and ive been there every step of the way once she decided to tell me. I called her selfish that she said this to me and she threw that back in my face saying that me setting the boundary of not being able to handle other people's struggles at the moment was selfish and just because I am pregnant my feelings do not come before hers and I should be there to listen to her and help her through this.

It has really affected me and Ive started to pull away from her as I totally disagree and feel this time with growing my first baby I get to be selfish and protect our peace and do what is best for us. I also wish she had told me before I got pregnant about the years shes been struggling as I truly had no idea and feel like I would have gone about things differently with her had I known and been more cautious with how much I confided in her.

I had a friend like this. Now very much an ex-friend. Your close family and close friends struggles and problems don’t disappear just because you are growing a human. You are pregnant, not ill.
you sound exactly like my ex-friend did (I was going through a bad divorce and was basically told she didn’t have the time or focus for me and my problems right now). A t*at.

FWIW the deleted post said something along the lines of you’re all horrible nasty bitches and you can all fuck off. I’m never coming back, you UK people are just mean for the sake of it.

so I think we’re posting into the wind here. I’d save your fingers 🤣

Sorry I hate the phase ‘you are pregnant not ill’.

I have never been more ill in my life either physically or mentally than when pregnant.

SOME people have easy pregnancies. SOME don’t.

You are out of order OP. I think your sister should be taking a step back from you.
Have gratitude that you can get pregnant, and maybe try to have more empathy- you are going to be a mother after all, and selfishness is not a good trait, nor is something to role model

Your post reads like you are person who is all 'me, me, me'. Ironic how selfish you appear to be, when making that accusation of others.

Well you are being selfish. You admit that. It’s not kind or thoughtful, particularly towards your sister. Yanbu but you are not a nice person, you’re a selfish person.

Accusing a pregnant woman of being selfish is a low blow.

Pregnant women can be selfish?

What from the OP?!?

Sorry but of course you can have capacity for other people’s issues when pregnant!! The word boundaries should be removed from the English dictionary- it’s used to get to avoid having difficult conversations and facing things that need to be faced

Yes.

gave more of a taste of what the sister is dealing with. Shame it’s been deleted, and suprised tbh as I’ve definitely read worse on here.

You can either be decent or selfish, it's entirely up to you. But pregnancy really isn't an excuse to change the way you treat other people.

I was doing 12 hour shifts in the hospital at 30 weeks pregnant. Got very little special treatment nor did any of my pregnant colleagues . Don’t be ridiculous, the op isn’t unable to converse with her sister . It’s not an excuse to be selfish.

No

yes, yes, yes, yes and no, It's ok to be scared, lost, alone, adrift in all the body/emotional changes that come with pregnancy. Yes, you do get very self-centred. That's fine. But / And the rest of the the world carries on out there. And it behoves you to remember that you are only a part of the whole.
You are NOT the centre of the Universe, you are only a bit of it.
Remember to try to be larger and to encompass other people's needs and woes.
It'll do you good.

Absolutely agree!

Erm, no, being pregnant doesn't give a right to shut out and exclude loved ones.

Guess it comes down to personality, values and how much you can empathise. If someone is intrinsically selfish they will be known as this, so to become even more so when pregnant just confirms personal traits.

Someone who is naturally caring and thinks of others will be the same when pregnant as you don't suddenly change, albeit hormones etc can make you a bit more self absorbed but still able to care about others, especially own immediate family.

The world doesn't stop, relationships don't stop when pregnant, you're simply one in millions about to have a baby. So from me it's a no, it's not a deliberate thought out 'reason' to be selfish.

Saying "I dont have capacity for other people's issues right now" is a really harsh way of putting it. I really hope that isn't how you worded it.
Is there someone else, who isn't pregnant, that your sister can lean on at this time?
If you can't be selfish when pregnant I dont know when you can be, but you also don't get to be unkind, especially to someone experiencing fertility issues.

Totally appreciate what you are you saying OP, about prioritising your labour plans and birth etc but if you have no capacity now for anyone:anything how on earth are you going to cope with motherhood? I don’t think you should be your sisters punching bag but at the same time there is no need to be ‘selfish’ going to have to learn to multitask just about everything once your little baby arrives! I had 8 years of fertility treatment before my child arrive and it was no walk in the park. My sister is at the start of her journey, my husband and I are losing more sleep over it than she is! We thought the hopes:dreams/disappointments that come with Fertility struggles were over for us but even though we got our girls - we are going through it again this time for my sister!

You're pregnant not disabled. Yabu.

So your sister opened up about the issues she has faced and you basically said ‘I can’t deal with this right now’ and brushed her off?

I can’t understand why you would do that. What was she asking of you other than a chance to chat? Maybe there is something else going on but if the story is just as you said then yes you are being very selfish.

When my sister was pregnant, I was told is very unlikely I will have kids. I was devastated. I reached out to her thinking she will understand as it was her second pregnancy. She instead offered me money to freeze eggs which 1. I did not ask for, 2. Probably wouldn’t have worked. It broke my heart, we ended up having a huge fight and she told me to not bother... I did not speak to her for almost a year, I did not congratulate her on the birth and refused to talk until she apologised. Instead of an apology, I received a very long text of excuses how she had morning sickness and was busy and couldn’t deal with me blah blah and she meant not bother her in the moment, but I stopped talking to her and said not nice things to others and it was all my fault and my reaction…. The not nice things I said to other was the above - what happened and 9 out of 10 people told me I am right to stop talking to her..

I did end up pregnant , I had terrible morning sickness, and absolutely no support from anyone, while working full-time. I still found time and energy for my friends who were separating, divorcing, going through struggles, etc. even when they had zero time for me and barely checked on me or my existence after I announced my pregnancy.. I have exchanged maybe 3-4 messages with my sister and we have absolutely no relationship.

I have been on both sides, and while neither of you approached the situation correctly - what my sister said to me in arguably the worst moment of my life is why I do not want a relationship with her anymore… she was not the only person I cut out at that time when I had enough..

While I can understand feeling stretched and out of capacity during pregnancy, it is absolutely no excuse to treat your sister like that when she is going through infertility. It is painful and it can be incredibly triggering to see sibling get easily something you wanted for your years. I wanted children since my mid 20s, my sister didn’t realise she wanted any until her late 30s and conceived with no issues in her 40s, whereas I was facing premature ovarian insufficiency
in my early 30s.. I was happy for her, but equally I couldn’t show up and be as happy and excited for her while I was grieving the life I always wanted and she had and didn’t appreciate…

Your sister kept infertility struggles from you for years but since you've been pregnant she now wants total attention. I think you can be selfish. I know that's in opposition to what some others say. If your version of selfish means you need to focus on the last 10 weeks of pregnancy that's fine with me.

You know what. When I’ve been pregnant people around me have been kind. They don’t dump their problems on me, and they check in to make sure I’m ok. Sure they might have the odd moan, but I’ve been fortunate to have people in my life that understand that pregnancy is a journey and it’s not the same for any 2 women.

There is also a saying in my community which is “don’t stress mum out or you will stress the baby out”.

I think that you are allowed to protect your peace during pregnancy if that is what you need to do. I’ve had 2 pregnancies and I have withdrawn from the world during both. I have been there for people in the capacity I can be, and I’ve never used the pregnancy as an excuse, I tend to hide my pregnancies for ages, so I’m usually showing up for 2 trimesters as if nothing has changed, but I do think you know yourself and your body best and what you need. I do think your sister is hurting a lot. It sounds like she is reacting badly to your pregnancy - which is a shame. But it also seems like you have done what you can.

Some time apart might be needed. Let her know that you are there, have the casual catch up. Maybe don’t bring up your pregnancy - even though it’s obvious. Sadly she is craving no something you have - which must also make you feel bad too. But there is nothing you can do about it. Hopefully once baby is here things change. And I hope she gets her miracle baby soon too.

Fsmily dynamics are hard, but I do think that you have the right to look after yourself.

I understand that having fertility issues is hard.

But why should pregnant women just feel “grateful” for being pregnant and get on with it.

I don’t like that narrative. We are having a massive childbirth crisis across the NHS and antenatal and postnatal crisis because women are pretty much told “women give birth daily, you’re not special”.

Maybe you are not, in the grand scheme, but if pregnancy was taken a little more seriously, maybe we could solve some issues.

I had a very easy first pregnancy - and I showed up for people, to the point people were they were telling me to calm down and rest. And I had a terrible second pregnancy where I was stuck in bed and couldn’t walk more than half a mile. For that one I couldn’t show up the way I wanted to. I also had a miscarriage and couldn’t be around pregnant women for a very long time - but I chose to step away in those instances as I didn’t feel it was my right to take away someone’s joy when I just couldn’t be happy for them (due to my own internal pain).

We should have sympathy for pregnant women and women struggling with fertility. And pregnancy loss. None of it is easy. But it’s a spectrum that deserves way more research, empathy and support.

I have certain empathy with op as i developed health issues in both 3rd trimesters (including a breathing issue). I also lost my shit right at the end when I went overdue by 2 weeks and was constantly bombarded with texts asking ‘any news yet’ and i just wanted some space.

But sounds like op hasn’t dealt with this in the best way, could have more said ‘i just need some space for a few weeks so will be slower to reply’.

I wonder if op has actually considered her attitude may make othere less likely to want to provide support when the baby is born.