Do i get to be selfish in pregnancy?

[Newmum931]

I am 30 weeks pregnant and I am having a difficult time dealing with my sisters fertility troubles after the things she said to me.
She has been having issues getting pregnant for years and has just told me after i got pregnant earlier this year about it all. Things came to a head with us a month ago as I told her for the time being I did not have the capacity to deal with other ppls issues at the moment as I am going through a difficult part of my pregnancy and would like to focus on my journey from this point on and keep a postivie focus on my labour and rest of my birth. I didnt say it like this i just said I dont have the capacity for others issues at the moment trying to set a boundary. She complained to me that she cant expect other to treat her how she treats them after me saying this and mentioned how if it was me she'd be there, i found this very shocking and hurtful as all through my pregnancy i have checked in with her about her struggles and I ask her how she is all the time and she always tells me she is fine whenever I ask but during this confrontation she said she has had very bad days which she has never mentioned before. We have had lengthy conversations about her journey and ive been there every step of the way once she decided to tell me. I called her selfish that she said this to me and she threw that back in my face saying that me setting the boundary of not being able to handle other people's struggles at the moment was selfish and just because I am pregnant my feelings do not come before hers and I should be there to listen to her and help her through this.

It has really affected me and Ive started to pull away from her as I totally disagree and feel this time with growing my first baby I get to be selfish and protect our peace and do what is best for us. I also wish she had told me before I got pregnant about the years shes been struggling as I truly had no idea and feel like I would have gone about things differently with her had I known and been more cautious with how much I confided in her.

Over the years I’ve made a lot of excuses for friends and family who have become very selfish in pregnancy and with a new baby. Suddenly no time or capacity for anyone else’s stuff, conversations that revolve around them, messages repeatedly ignored, everything has to be done to their convenience etc. And I had never had kids and I understood it’s a very challenging time and all consuming.

Anyway, I’m now close to the end of my first pregnancy. It’s not been an easy ride and along the way I’ve had a lot of work stress and illness on top. A lot to deal with by anyone’s standards. But somehow I’ve managed to stay in touch with friends, managed to care about what they’re going through and make compromises while still looking after myself and my baby. Turns out selfish people are selfish because they’re selfish, not because circumstances are difficult.

Saying that you need a break right now is one thing, I don’t find it reasonable to set a rule that you’re no longer interested in what your sister is going through for… how long exactly? 10 weeks to the end of your pregnancy? And after that won’t the newborn be the most important thing? Surely you can see from your sister’s point of view you’ve basically said that because you have the thing she wants most in the world therefore she’s not important any more and has to give way to you indefinitely? It’s possible to set boundaries in a kinder way. Could you have stepped back a little bit rather than introducing a hard rule?

Honestly it doesn’t sound like she’s handled it brilliantly either. But being pregnant is not a free pass. If you want to not bother with her problems that’s on you, don’t use the baby as an excuse.

What’s so difficult about being 30 weeks pregnant? Medical issues aside it really not that hard so o don’t really get the bit about protecting your “peace”
I’ve been your sister and I’d be upset too but your post is difficult hard to read and a bit nonsensical so it’s hard to say really

I think if a woman cannot be selfish during pregnancy when can she be! And really you’re not just thinking about yourself - you’re putting your baby first. Having also suffered from HG which is honestly so rough I totally understand. It’s a special time and can be a difficult one so yes put yourself first. Be kind to yourself. 🌺

Wow!

@Newmum931you a question and are getting arsey because you aren't getting the answers you want?

I don't think you get to be selfish just because you're pregnant. HTH

You’ve had two replies! Neither unreasonable.

yes you do sound selfish. your pregnancy sounds tough, but your sister is facing the future not being able to have what you have. A shit pregnancy is presumably preferable to no pregnancy at all?

personally I would have simply apologised for being a shit sister - your pregnancy is rough and you’re not feeling up to much, so sorry if you don’t manage to keep in touch or be around for her, but you understand it must be hard for her seeing you pregnant when she is struggling with infertility.

telling her to basically fuck off because your problems are more important than hers and you don’t care about her infertility issues while you are pregnant is heartless imo.

it sounds like you are from the US. Possibly some culturally differences at play in your more individualistic society. Here we appreciate that others can also need support when we do and there is room for both.

I think the pp says nonsensical because it’s quite hard to read without commas. Saying you’ve used paragraphs (two) didn’t make it any easier.

You've been unkind to your sister by telling her you can’t listen to her feelings anymore. I think you possibly know this otherwise there would be no reason to post on mumsnet.

Your sister hasn’t told you about her struggles to conceive, maybe she didn’t want to burden you.

You’ve made your bed now so concentrate on your upcoming birth and enjoy your baby.

I’ve been pregnant three times. I’ve had extreme morning sickness, pregnant through a pandemic, gestational diabetes, severe joint pain and a true emergency C-section to avoid DS and/or me dying… Pregnancy is no walk in the park! No one is suggesting you need to act like it is all the time.

However, I have never made everything about my pregnancy. It took a year to conceive DD2 (a blink in comparison to other people’s infertility journeys) and not being pregnant was all-consuming for me. I have never felt so awful in my life. You are being really unpleasant to your sister. Maybe take a step back from yourself and think how you’d feel if she said to you that she doesn’t have the capacity to hear your struggles because she wants to protect her peace?

After that little tirade, team sister all the way.

OP I think it was always going to be a difficult time for the relationship between you and your sister. A sister who desperately wants to be pregnant and a sister who is having a difficult pregnancy.

I am pregnant with my 3rd, also in my third trimester. My other two children are 5 and under. It has by far been my most difficult pregnancy so far, we had a lot of problems earlier on and didn’t know if the pregnancy would continue. This made me very depressed. I have slowly been getting better mental and baby is now doing well.

When I was around 28 weeks my grandmother became very unwell. I had a big argument with my mother because she thought I wasn’t supporting her or my grandmother enough. I had to say that I’m sorry but I don’t have capacity to support you in this right now. I can’t do it.

Though it was heated at the time she ultimately understood and accepted that someone having a difficult pregnancy, working and parenting 2 children under 5 does not have the spare capacity. And our relationship has been much better since.

It’s hard, some people have a really hard time in pregnancy, for some it very much feels like an illness that lasts for what feels like a year and other people only really get uncomfortable at the very end. I’ve had both kinds of pregnancies! I think that’s why you’re going to get such a range of responses.

There is a way of saying these things but fundamentally I think it’s okay to put the boundary in place, like I said I think it was always going to be a hard time between you and your sister.

People are just more selfish in general now, it’s all about them.
Do what you want OP but don’t expect your sister to focus on your needs

Not being pregnant was all-consuming for me. I have never felt so awful in my life.

But what if this is how some people find being pregnant?

Everyone handles things differently, maybe this is the worst that OP has ever felt in her life. It can be true that both sisters are having a hard time.

I think if the sister going through infertility had said I’m sorry I can’t support you with your thoughts and feelings during this pregnancy people would probably be fairly understanding. I think the OP is allowed to say the same.

No. Pregnancy doesn’t get you a pass. Learn to lead your relationships better.

Same. Didn't see the deleted post, but you're very right that other people's experiences of pregnancy have nothing to do with OPs. I think maybe the two of them aren't currently in a place to offer each other much support. Doesn't have to be permanent.

So, if you knew before you'd have acted differently before now, but now you know you can't act differently because you're pregnant and when you're pregnant you can't think of anyone else?

Good luck with that relationship going forward.

Two sisters, when one is pregnant and one wants to be pregnant but isn’t – that is always going to be a difficult situation, so I’m not surprised there is some tension.

What sort of support has your sister been asking for? I could see if it was on the phone for hours every week talking around and around the same issues than that could be too much.

I think in some instances you get to be selfish when pregnant, eg taking a little extra duvet to put between your knees to sleep, taking the last bite if ice cream… small stuff like that. You don’t get to be selfish and disregard everyone else’s feelings which could damage relationships.

This is all very weird! You said you don't want to hear about your sisters life for a few months so you can protect some sort of positive mindset bubble. Presumably you'd then want her to be there for you with a newborn and emotionally invested in her new niece/nephew. This seems really mean to me. Especially considering your sisters pregnancy struggles. I can only assume you're either not close or you don't want to be!

It depends what your sister is doing really. If she's regularly calling you late at night and wanting to talk for hours about her struggles and it's interfering with your sleep, then fair enough to put that boundary in place. If she's speaking about her difficulties occasionally but also showing an interest in your pregnancy, then I think you're being harsh to refuse to hear her out.

I wouldn't be too hasty in wanting to retreat into your own bubble, you may be thankful to have your sister's support when the baby arrives.

Come on OP, have a heart! Infertility is one of the hardest things you can go through, far tougher than pregnancy. I really hope your sister has some close friends she can lean on instead, as she clearly can’t rely on you.

Pregnancy has an end date and a wonderful baby to look forward to (I know this isn’t always the outcome) but infertility is indefinite.

I didn’t say that the OP can’t find her pregnancy hard but to cut her sister off in this situation because she needs to think about her birth is being precious.

The deleted post showed what a wonderful person the OP is… Not.

Pregnancy is not an excuse to be selfish.

And when your baby has colic, doesn’t sleep, can’t feed and your mentally and physically on your knees post a difficult birth….

will you be happy if your sister says ‘sorry my infertility means I need to put myself first and can’t even offer a shred of my life to you…’

or do you imagine you’ll swan back into her life for cuddles and coffee mornings with a sleeping baby?