Do i get to be selfish in pregnancy?

[Newmum931]

I am 30 weeks pregnant and I am having a difficult time dealing with my sisters fertility troubles after the things she said to me.
She has been having issues getting pregnant for years and has just told me after i got pregnant earlier this year about it all. Things came to a head with us a month ago as I told her for the time being I did not have the capacity to deal with other ppls issues at the moment as I am going through a difficult part of my pregnancy and would like to focus on my journey from this point on and keep a postivie focus on my labour and rest of my birth. I didnt say it like this i just said I dont have the capacity for others issues at the moment trying to set a boundary. She complained to me that she cant expect other to treat her how she treats them after me saying this and mentioned how if it was me she'd be there, i found this very shocking and hurtful as all through my pregnancy i have checked in with her about her struggles and I ask her how she is all the time and she always tells me she is fine whenever I ask but during this confrontation she said she has had very bad days which she has never mentioned before. We have had lengthy conversations about her journey and ive been there every step of the way once she decided to tell me. I called her selfish that she said this to me and she threw that back in my face saying that me setting the boundary of not being able to handle other people's struggles at the moment was selfish and just because I am pregnant my feelings do not come before hers and I should be there to listen to her and help her through this.

It has really affected me and Ive started to pull away from her as I totally disagree and feel this time with growing my first baby I get to be selfish and protect our peace and do what is best for us. I also wish she had told me before I got pregnant about the years shes been struggling as I truly had no idea and feel like I would have gone about things differently with her had I known and been more cautious with how much I confided in her.

I shall be expecting another thread in 3 months - “None of my family or friends are showing any interest in me and my newborn and I don’t know why”

Technically yes, you "get to be selfish" whenever you chose to be selfish. Nobody can stop someone from being selfish.

But if the question is whether it's reasonable to dismiss the feelings of others just because you're pregnant, personally I would say no.

Your feelings and problems do not become more important than other people's. Your sister is going through something, and it seems very cruel to tell her you have no capability to support her.

I agree with some of the other posters. It all depends what your sister is doing which impacts on your pregnancy? She has opened up a fair bit to
you, about her struggles with infertility, but maybe you aren’t the right person to confide in? I’m guessing your sister seeing you pregnant, must hurt a lot? Try to have empathy OP.

No, you don’t get to be selfish, in terms of withdrawing support etc, but I think maybe your sister needs to source her support elsewhere.

Sounds like the sister has a lucky escape here. You’d expect a sister to be more understanding and supportive of her own sister going through fertility issues for years. I think it speaks volumes she hadn’t told you about this before. Presumably she thought she’d get the same treatment as she’s getting now.
anyone can be selfish but that doesn’t come without consequences.

I Am sorry but I could never treat my younger sister the way you’ve treat yours with your ‘boundaries’. You being pregnant is irrelevant when it comes to being there for someone else and their feelings. Presumably you’d want them to listen to your excitement, worries and woes but sounds like you are not prepared for it to work two ways. That’s not how friendships or relationships work.

i think you’ve been very selfish and rather mean

I don't think your sister did anything wrong, it's fair that if you can't make space for her problems she won't make space for yours.

This is the problem with the buzzword 'boundaries', a lot of people use is to protect themselves (fine) but then take offence to others doing the same (hypercritical).

You’re just not very nice. Your poor sister.

Youre pregnant - so what - doesn’t give you a green light to be horrible

You sound really dramatic and self absorbed.

All sounds a bit dramatic to me personally. I’ve had two babies, but the world doesn’t stop because you’re pregnant. My dad got diagnosed with cancer in my third trimester, I didn’t be expect people I love to paint on a smile and pretend they are ok if their not. If you don’t have the capacity to be a friend/ sister now, I can’t see how you will find the capacity with a newborn/ toddler.

I have been on both sides of this. It took 3+ years each and operations to have both of my kids (who I am so blessed to have)

both pregnancies were difficult, HG, working full time (50+ hours a week) with pre eclampsia, dodgy gallbladder, and poorly babies after birth within NICU stays and with separations from me (I was kept in one hospital with baby transferred to another)

I also have a friend who was trying at the same time as o did for my first and she is now 13 weeks with her first ever pregnancy. She didn’t speak to me for months when I was pregnant with baby 2. We are now very much speaking again.

as the pregnant person it absolutely was not my place to dismiss my infertile friends feelings or tell them I didn’t have capacity to listen. I’ve been there and it is horrific, even compared to my many difficulties in pregnancy.

be there for your sister you have no idea how hard this is for her and you’ve effectively stuck two fingers up at her by the way you’ve behaved. She is trying to open up to you

set boundaries by all means but don’t treat her in this way

Sorry, put simply, you're the one in the wrong here.

Your poor sister.

How many people warn that everyone just wants to "protect my peace" as if that justifies any behaviour?
OP, it obviously depends. If you're in the middle of an ultrasound/resting because you had a tough day at work and are lying down for a bit, obviously she shouldn't get to interrupt you and talk to you then. But pregnancy is not an excuse to be selfish and entitled-in most cases, we just have to get on with work and family responsibilities to an extent. Obviously if it's affecting your health/she wants you to go on a midnight advanced assault course, saying no is ok.

I think the way you put that was really unkind and insensitive. It's one thing to say you are having a hard time and need some space right now. It's another to tell someone struggling with infertility that you can't deal with her issues right now because you need to focus on the end of your pregnancy and preparing for your baby. That is unnecessary.

Do you get to be selfish - in terms of saying no to things because you need rest, etc, yes. In terms of disregarding the needs and feelings of everyone else around you, no. Your poor sister.

When you say you don’t have capacity for other people’s problems, what exactly do you mean by this? Are you saying you don’t want to hear about your sisters struggles at all for the foreseeable future, or are you saying you’re happy to be a listening ear but you cannot hold her hand through every little detail at the moment? Because to could understand the latter but the former is just really awful to be completely honest.

My best friend has experienced infertility. I started trying for my third at the same time she started trying for her first. We also had some difficulties conceiving (it took us about 18 months) but I did fall pregnant and give birth while she was still trying. I cannot imagine not being there for her during my pregnancy, she had some serious ivf complications and has a truly awful time. Likewise, she was there for me during what turned out to be a very complicated and scary pregnancy. We each had our own struggles but supported each other through it.

What "support" exactly does your sister need? Is she asking for physical stuff like a lift to clinic appointments, for you to go to acupuncture/yoga together, for you to go on a special diet together? Or are you basically saying "I'm not enjoying conversations with my sister at the moment because all she really talks about is infertility and I want to talk about my backache/how excited I am to be a mum"?

Your sister is being an arse. Is she trying to make you feel guilty for being pregnant when she can't be? Is she trying obliquely to remind you constantly that you should be grateful to be pregnant regardless of how the pregnancy is going? Does she expect you to have the emotional space to carry her troubles once the baby is born too? Will you be expected to be mindful of her problems and not appear too excited about the baby?

Some women who struggle with infertility get extremely wrapped up in that and become oblivious to other people's needs. It's nobody's problem but her own.

Accusing a pregnant woman of being selfish is a low blow. It's manipulative and unkind and it screams 'Me, me, me, me, meeeeeee...Forget about you...Pay attention to meeeeeee'

Yes, god forbid a pregnant woman should disregard the needs or feelings of those around her.

Those uppity pregnant women need to be taken down a peg and reminded there's nothing special about them and nothing special about what they are doing for nine months, and they should expect no special consideration whatsoever.

Are you seriously trying to shoehorn your weird ideas about America into this conversation?

Bizarre is not the word.

In fairness, there isn’t. Do pregnant women get to have boundaries, and make decisions about not engaging with difficult people? Absolutely, same as anyone else. Do they get some kind of special-category sick note from the universe that says I REFUSE TO TALK TO YOU BECAUSE I’M CONCENTRATING ON MY ‘JOURNEY’? No.

I think it’s telling that your sister didn’t confide in you about her struggles, until you were pregnant. To me it’s like she is trying to take away from you.

I also think it’s fine at anytime in anyone’s life to step away from negativity. I had to pull back from a friend for a while, because it was making me depression worse having her issues put on top of my own.

I also don’t see why your sister needs to bring her struggles up constantly. No one can be constantly expected to hear the same things over and over. That’s why there are therapists.

No, pregnancy doesn’t give you an automatic pass to be selfish. It’s something that millions of people are going through every day, a completely usual part of life. Why would that give you an excuse to be selfish, I don’t know.

I’d not be burning my bridges with family at this stage - life with a newborn can be very tough. I’d want my sister on my side.

You sound horrible, and you remind me of a “friend” who fell pregnant and wasn’t there for me when I was experiencing fertility issues. As others have said, being pregnant is still going to be better (/the more privileged position) than not being able to fall pregnant at all. You sound heartless. I am now pregnant, but I’d still try my best to be there for my friends. It’s about balance. Of course you may not be able to be there 100%, but you can still try. Also this is your sister ffs. Very heartless.

I have two older sisters - one who is notably very self-centred and makes everything about her. She had been with her partner for a very long time and never talked about kids but I knew me announcing my first pregnancy would be tough for her and so I did it delicately. She didn't have to tell me about struggles (as a sister, I feel that's something you intuitively know or you know them well enough to know they wouldn't talk about it). I followed up with a message to say I noticed she was upset when we shared the news and asked how she wanted me to talk about my pregnancy - did she want me to talk about it or not. And I went with that. Our relationship didn't change. I didn't feel the need to talk about my pregnancy at all in fact.

Fertility issues are incredibly challenging - physically and mentally. Pregnancy can be physically tough too but I'm sure all throughout my pregnancy I had the mental capacity to deal with 'other people's problems'. In fact, please throw yourself into that relationship with your sister because a) you will need a support network and b) if you think you have no time now, wait until the baby is here! This is exactly the time to focus on your relationships with others. And it will be good practice for losing the selfishness for when your life revolves around someone else completely.

Being pregnant is exciting and scary, and for some, all consuming. You do get to put boundaries in place and try and have some peace. However, in this circumstance with your sister, unless there’s some major backstory, yes, you are being selfish and possibly unkind.

The only time I’d see your behaviour as okay is if she is actually an awful sister/toxic history, OR if your mental health is so poor that actually hearing about her struggles makes you unwell, then fair enough.