Marriage threatened by pregnancy and family

[PrincessNads05]

Hi mums and mums-to-be, I'm just coming on here to vent because I have no one else to share this with and nowhere else to go. My (26/F) husband (30/M) just asked for a divorce. Our pregnancy journey hasn't been easy in the emotional sense. I have been extremely irritable, moody and angry at times which have made us clash quite a bit. I realise that no amount of hormones justifies my actions, and every time I've promised to work on myself and be more patient. My husband usually gets upset too, but he has tried to be more understanding and patient with me.

The latest issue has stemmed from my mother not coming down to offer her support. We live in different countries, with very little family here. I am currently 16w pregnant as a FTM, due in January. My mom works and has other commitments as she cares for her elderly mother. She offered to fly down in September for a few weeks, and again in December closer to the due date for extra support. Both me and my husband had agreed with the arrangement, and started making changes to welcome here. My husband bought a car and we moved into a bigger apartment, anticipating her arrival.

Just two days ago, my mom informed me that she couldn't travel in September but will definitely be here for longer in December/January during the delivery and postpartum period for help. I couldn't force her to come at this time, and agreed. My husband was very upset when I told him. He has a strained relationship with my family, and never really liked my parents, but this last minute change of plans has further upset him and he's directed that anger towards me. He has been stonewalling me though I'm hurting as well. I tried being gentle and asked him how I could make things better over the past 2 days, but the only thing he's mentioned is how he wants a divorce. I have work until the end of August, I didn't argue and just told him I would be out of his hair by end, but not he's giving me a 1 month ultimatum. I have nowhere to go and noone to talk to about this. Does his hate for me/my family surpass his care for his unborn child. I dont want to fight and argue with someone who feels this way.

Your DH sounds awful. Firstly I don’t really understand what your mum was needing to come for before the baby is even here anyway? Obviously nice to see her as a visitor, but surely she isn’t needed for anything specific? It sounds like she had a lot on her plate already. Why is your DH so angry she can’t come? Is it because then he has to help out more?
But beyond that, he sounds a bit of a dickhead. You’ve mentioned your anger issues too, so hard to say how unreasonable he’s being in general - but this specific issue of your mums visit sounds very odd.

We've been married 2.5 years now, and he's always had in issue with my parents, with the way they carry themselves and their character. My family, and my sister have had marital issues/a few divorces and that's something he's blamed on our side. I've always told him that my family is a topic that is off limits during arguments, and he's tried to refrain from speaking about them, but I'm sure he still does feel the same way. My parent's aren't bad people (they never interfere in our marriage), they're just different to his and that has irked him.

There are a few issues he brings up: 1) We live in a different country with no other support system, and isn't is a basic responsibility of a parent to offer support in a time of need (So far our pregnancy has been healthy, touchwood), 2) My sister lives with my parents and my mom was able to help her through both her pregnancies, 3) I made my SO travel with me for the birth of my sister's second, as she was having a tumultuous relationship. My sister asked me to be there, which made us change a few things in our plans. He is very upset because my sister had all the support with her, yet she asked for me to come as well, but when we have noone here they can't make a few sacrifices.

Lastly, he's blaming my mom's need to prioritise work (She has offered to come, but I didn't want her to put her job at risk). He's mentioned he wants a divorce, and that my parents should never step foot in this house (only his parents can). I am at a loss, because my SO and parents both mean a lot to me and I don't want to give one up for the other.

Op - Are there cultural issues at play here?

Can you clarify what you and he expected your mum "help you with" in September... theres no baby so honestly I dont get it and I have 2 small children.
Why does he care she didnt come?

Also in general your mother sounds like she has her hands full and lives in a different country...i dont think you shpuld be looking to her its a recipe for disaster. You ask
...she says yes because she wants to help... bit she doesnt have the bandwidth... you feel let down.

practically you should look into night nurses nannies and meal services for when you are pp if ypu think youll need help.

I dont get why this is marriage ending?
If it is I'd 100%look to move back to my home country and gove birth there

I live in a different country to my parents (and DP family). Currently pregnant with my second and due similar to you.

I have no idea why your mum would need to come before the birth (especially September?!) and I have a toddler to look after aswell.
Around the birth or after is nice to have support but confused what she'd exactly be doing regards to your pregnancy before the baby arrives.

I think you should move to the country where you have most support, but you have to do this BEFORE the baby is born. Otherwise, depending on where you are, Hague Convention may apply and you could end up stuck in your current country for the next 18 years, divorced but unable to leave with your child.

Yes, this is more cultural to be honest. I was a little upset because I wanted her to just come and spend some time with me, to have some for emotional support. But afterwards, I understood the practicality of it and how it’s not easy for her to travel up and down. Plus her being here closer to the delivery and in the PP phase would be more important. I have come to terms with it but my SO hasn’t. We’ve had other friends whose parents have come down in between just for emotional support, and he’s comparing this situation to theirs and making it out to be my mom lacking empathy and not prioritising me. I’ve tried to explain it to him, but he’s not in the right place to listen.

With respect to ending the marriage, it’s something I’m not able to come to terms with either. This baby is our primary responsibility, and my parents being here or not shouldn’t make a difference with how the two of us should care for the baby. I asked my husband this but he wouldn’t acknowledge it.

The more that I talk to people about it, the more I realise it isn’t something that makes a lot of sense practically. I just wanted her to in close proximity for emotional support, but she already has a lot to think about and she will come when the baby is here. I’ve come to the realisation that it’s okay. But my husband is taking it a personal attack to her not prioritising us or our family, for personal reasons. Which is quite unreasonable.

It’s a very confusing situation I think the main thing here is that your husband is an asshole.He’s threatening to leave you and his child when you need him the most.It’s not your mum’s job to support your family it’s his. And kicking you out when you’re most vulnerable?? This is abuse. Don’t move out . He should if he wants to.

I don't understand why your mum needs to be there at 20 weeks pregnant, what is she helping with? I couldnt think of anything worse than having people under my feet. I'm expecting my 4th child and work full-time, currently 28 weeks pregnant and managing to juggle just fine. That aside your husband sounds shit, but it does sound like there's some cultural difference in his expectations surrounding family etc. If you aren't happy, return home before the baby arrives, it'll be far more complicated once the baby is here.

Your husband is acting really immature, but at the same time, you are involving your family way too much.

He and your baby are your new family. If people offer to visit and help, that’s great, but relying on them too much isn’t really what you should do.

We are from different countries, and when we had our first daughter, we had no help. I actually really enjoyed it that way; it was me and my husband figuring things out together, and there were no family dynamics getting in the way.

I don't really understand your husband's request for a divorce here. He's upset that your family aren't prioritising and supporting you through your pregnancy, so in response he has decided that he isn't going to support you either? He sounds massively unreasonable and inconsiderate, and frankly not the sort of person that I would want to raise my child with.

Also this.
I love my family, but I definitely don’t want them around while I’m pregnant or after the birth. I would just have to micromanage even more people, which wouldn't be helpful.

He can't just kick you out of your home with a month's notice. Get legal advice ASAP. You do have rights if you are married.

So he is angry because your mother is not coming in Sseptember. But he has banned your family from visiting anyway. And even without that, he wants a divorce. He sounds totally insane.

I’d let him divorce you. This isn’t about your mother. This is about him. Yes, he is being a dick. Many couples manage a newborn without family support. Often when they are also juggling existing children. He needs to grow up. Shame you haven’t seen him for who he is before now.

Your H is trying to manipulate you into cutting off your family. He wants you to beg him to not divorce you and to cut your parents out for him. This would leave you incredibly isolated.

His behaviour is manipulative and abusive. Unfortunately, domestic abuse gets worse in pregnancy and once a baby is born. Personally, I'd give him what he wants. If he wants a divorce leave now before the baby is born and go home to your family. If you stay you vould be stuck where you are away from family support. You will struggle to leave without his permission.

Your H is unreasonable to put any demands on your mum. She has responsibilities that she gas to fulfil. She works, provides care and has her own family to support. While its nice that she wanted to come and be with you unfortunately its not a priority at the moment. Coming after the baby is born makes mich more sense. Even then its not something she has to do. Its nice but it would be very entitled to expect it. You also can't compare what she does for you with what she does fir your sister. Your sister is local and providing support is easier. Even then your mum doesn't have to do anything for anyone.

Not necessary. There are two sides to every story.

According to OP, she isn’t treating him well at all.

Also, my husband divorced his ex because she was putting her family before everyone and anything else. He is an amazing father and the best husband for me and our kids. So it’s definitely not because he didn’t respect family — it’s because things had gone too far. There is a point where prioritising your family becomes unhealthy and starts affecting your marriage and children.

When you get married, and especially when you have children, your new family should become your priority. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t see it that way either.

Your husband is upset that you are not getting the same support your sister is getting, despite the fact that she lives there?

He is therefore withdrawing his support to you - That makes no sense.

He doesn't want your parents to set foot in your house, due to the fact that you mum is not coming as planned? - Also does not make sense.

Your mum has a lot on her plate and it sounds like you and your DH could actually be in a better place to offer support in the other direction.

Is the house a marital asset in the country you are living? If so, you do not need to get out and he can get out if he is inclined.

He sounds like an utter shit and it is a shame you will be tied to him for the foreseeable with your future child.

Your husband sounds like a controlling pr*ck to me and I think you're probably better off without him. Can you move back to your home country (would you want to?)?

It's something to think about now because it'll be much harder, if not impossible, to do once your baby is here.

So he wants a divorce because your Mum won't help you now, even though you don't seem to need any help , and she has a dependent elderly mother to care for sogenuinely can't? She has a valid reason not to come. None of this makes sense. Your DH sounds like he has a screw loose.
I would just give him the divorce and get on with your life as a single Mum.

I would be packing my bags and moving back to my home county BEFORE you give birth. Your husband sounds a complete arsehole and this behaviour will only escalate. Once the baby is born you are stuck here.

Honestly listen to the women on here-

unless the answe lr to the question : if your arrange ended are okay/happy being stuck in your current country for 18yrs +?
Is "yes happy to live here forever whatever happens"

you should look to give birth in your home country. It will give you a lot more options

Your husband sounds awful. Saying he will divorce you, his pregnant wife and you have to get out of the marital home in 1 month. Appalling!

But the rest I'm just really confused about. Your mother was supposed to come in September to help and support you (why? Your baby isn't due for months). But she can't get time off work (fair enough). And your husband is so angry about her not coming (why??? Considering he can't stand your family surely he'd be delighted?) that he wants a divorce from you (again why??? It makes no sense).

Anyway it sounds like a total shitshow. Finish work in August as planned, go back to home country to give birth. If you give birth where you are he can stop you taking the child out of the country, then you'll be totally stuck and he's clearly not a reasonable person.

OP this is a hard one to say but, at 16 weeks, you can still get an abortion. That’s going to be hard to read, but you need to consider, he’s asking for a divorce now. It’s unlikely things will get better when the baby is here. Babies and children are tough. It puts a strain on the most solid of marriages and your marriage is not solid.

I think you need to do some serious thinking. Realistically, your marriage is unlikely to last and you are looking at being a single mother. If you stay where you are or go back to your home country, that’s your choice. If you can’t face being a single parent, then you possibly want to think if you want to have this baby with this man.

Sorry.