Marriage threatened by pregnancy and family

[PrincessNads05]

Hi mums and mums-to-be, I'm just coming on here to vent because I have no one else to share this with and nowhere else to go. My (26/F) husband (30/M) just asked for a divorce. Our pregnancy journey hasn't been easy in the emotional sense. I have been extremely irritable, moody and angry at times which have made us clash quite a bit. I realise that no amount of hormones justifies my actions, and every time I've promised to work on myself and be more patient. My husband usually gets upset too, but he has tried to be more understanding and patient with me.

The latest issue has stemmed from my mother not coming down to offer her support. We live in different countries, with very little family here. I am currently 16w pregnant as a FTM, due in January. My mom works and has other commitments as she cares for her elderly mother. She offered to fly down in September for a few weeks, and again in December closer to the due date for extra support. Both me and my husband had agreed with the arrangement, and started making changes to welcome here. My husband bought a car and we moved into a bigger apartment, anticipating her arrival.

Just two days ago, my mom informed me that she couldn't travel in September but will definitely be here for longer in December/January during the delivery and postpartum period for help. I couldn't force her to come at this time, and agreed. My husband was very upset when I told him. He has a strained relationship with my family, and never really liked my parents, but this last minute change of plans has further upset him and he's directed that anger towards me. He has been stonewalling me though I'm hurting as well. I tried being gentle and asked him how I could make things better over the past 2 days, but the only thing he's mentioned is how he wants a divorce. I have work until the end of August, I didn't argue and just told him I would be out of his hair by end, but not he's giving me a 1 month ultimatum. I have nowhere to go and noone to talk to about this. Does his hate for me/my family surpass his care for his unborn child. I dont want to fight and argue with someone who feels this way.

Interesting you say you have been promising to 'work on' yourself . Has he offered to do the same or is it always you in the wrong?

This is definitely a cultural issue. May I ask, is it also a patriarchal issue?

I am so sorry that your mother was not able to come. You clearly would benefit from her support at this time.

The fact that your husband judges your family and your sister, who is separated/divorced and now back living with your mother, says a lot. And now to ask for a divorce and to give an ultimatum for you to leave is hard.

Can’t you go to your mums for a while? This is not going to get any better. And even if you do reconcile soon, what your husband has done absolutely shatters your sense of security.

She's not exactly popping in to her Mum's for tea each and every single night though, is she?
And if she always treating him 'badly', or is it the pregnancy hormones?

I'm wondering if she is normally pliable and good-natured, and then hormones mean she can no longer always be so, and he is reacting badly to this.

OP, also sounds like you aren't seeing that these things are two way. he has tried to be more understanding and patient with me. That's great, if he is being so. But based on this thread, I think you might be giving him more credit than he is due.

Your mom has commitments and he cant expect her to drop everything! He sounds very unreasonable and hard to please. What is the point of your mom being there when baby hasnt arrived! Surely from a rational point of view he should be happy that shes coming to stay for longer when baby is born. I personally couldnt be arsed with a bloke like that! Set him free and move nearer your mom!

It’s not about the parent being there too much or too little. I know that in a lot of cultures, being very attached to family is normal, while it can feel overwhelming to some Western cultures. I have seen a lot of relationships and marriages break because of this.

It’s not about your mum coming over for tea; it’s about whether every single decision prioritises them, and whether you rely on them more than your chosen family. I’m not saying that is definitely what is happening here, but based on what OP described, she seems to rely heavily on her mum for help.

Also, pregnant or not, you can not treat your husband badly. Not once during my pregnancy did I blame my behaviour on hormones. You might be more tired or anxious, but how you choose to handle things is still your responsibility.

I just hate the immediate mumsnet “leave him, he is horrible” reaction when we don’t know the full story. I’m having a hard time believing a man would walk out on his pregnant wife unless there had been a lot building up over a long period of time.