To go ahead with abortion or not?

[BeBreezyLilacWriter]

Hello everyone,

I recently found out I’m pregnant and I’m currently around six weeks along. For a bit of context, I’m 22 years old, I’ve just graduated from university, and I recently got back from travelling.

From the moment I found out, I’ve felt that I would really love to keep this pregnancy. I’ve spoken to my mum, and she has been incredibly supportive. She’s offered to let me stay at home while I get on my feet, and I know I’d have support from my family. I also have a few cousins around my age who are pregnant or have recently had babies, so I know I wouldn’t be completely alone.

The difficult part is that I feel like everyone around me is encouraging me to have an abortion. I completely understand why people think it might be the better option given my age and where I am in life, but if I’m honest, I don’t think it’s what I want. I’m scared that if I go through with an abortion because of the pressure from other people, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.

My partner and I have been on and off for about a year, but we became exclusive again around two months ago after I got back from travelling. When I told him about the pregnancy, he took the news well. He said he would support me if I decided to keep the baby, although he did admit he didn’t think the timing was ideal.

Unfortunately, everything became much more complicated last week. We’d been going through a bit of a rough patch, and while I was away for the weekend, he had a drunken one night stand. When I came home on Sunday, he told me straight away. I’m absolutely devastated. I genuinely never thought he was capable of something like this, and both he and his family are incredibly upset. They all say it was completely out of character, and he has been extremely remorseful.

Now I feel completely torn. Part of me feels like I can’t keep the baby anymore because everything feels so tainted by what’s happened, but another part of me still desperately wants to continue the pregnancy. I don’t know whether my feelings about the pregnancy have actually changed, or whether I’m just heartbroken and overwhelmed by everything that’s happened.

I also have no idea what to do about my relationship. I feel like I’m being pulled in so many different directions, and I don’t know whether to try to work through what’s happened or walk away.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I’d really appreciate any advice please x

If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy then be prepared to be doing it alone. You’ve mentioned that it’s a rocky relationship, and he had now slept with someone else - it doesn’t bode well for long term relationship. When you have a child with someone you are bound to them for life, not just 18.

only you can make the decision as to if you keep the baby. A friend of mine was in a similar situation and (as far as I know) she doesn’t regret her choice to have an abortion at all. She went on to have a great career, married etc

You can’t trust him so if you go ahead it’s likely to be going solo isn’t it?

No one can advise you because only you can decide. But if you were my 22 daughter thinking about being a single mum, I’d absolutely be encouraging you to terminate, especially as you’re only 6 weeks.

I think you need to separate your relationship and pregnancy in order to make the best decision for you.
Your relationship is not healthy, on and off again, cheating - these are not good for either of you and the best thing you can do is accept it's run it's course.
Separate from that though is the decision about your pregnancy and only you can decide what is best. You are young but you have support from your family, are you prepared to be a single parent? In cases like this it's hard to predict if the father will stay involved - best case scenario is you coparent but worst case is he does not stay involved in your baby's life - can you/are you prepared to raise the baby alone?
What do you want from life? Do you want a career or particular role? Do you want to do more travelling?
There is no right or wrong answer here, only what you can live with and feel is best for you 💗

You sound lovely, OP, and you have a loving supportive family, whatever you decide to do about your partner. You clearly want to have your baby, you're a mum now, and the most important thing you can do for yourself and your little one is to rest, be gentle with yourself and accept that you may feel a maelstrom of different emotions after what your partner did. Focus on you and the baby, you don't need to sort your relationship out straight away. You may even have decided about your boyfriend once the baby is born, but that's OK.You've said repeatedly you want to keep the baby, so focus on your pregnancy, and everything else will fall into place eventually.

If he was rock solid I would say keep it. But you’re not. I got pregnant at 21 with a boyfriend who was a bit flaky but I loved to pieces. He wasn’t fully into the baby. He wanted to live more first. I terminated and we broke up 2 years later. It was the right thing.

i got pregnant with my third child and also considered a termination but didn’t go ahead and that was also right for me

I had an abortion at 21, I was in a solid relationship but the timing just wasnt what I planned & we didnt live together.
I was so so sad about it for quite a while however, it was definitely the right choice looking back.
im now 33 with the same man and have 2 wonderful kiddies in our home with a stable life and careers and the kids get best life from this outcome for me.

no one can decide but you however, in your shoes I personally would get the abortion. Its hard dont get me wrong but just my personal opinion.

if you have the baby, plan on doing it alone. The dad js a dick and you need to get rid of him

What you have to ask yourself if it wasn’t for the pregnancy would you be looking at being together long term I think I the answer is no

whatever you’d decide I’d make the decision based on doing it alone

A man who has a drunken one night stand while his wife-to-be is pregnant is not a keeper. You’re not even his wife-to-be.

You should consider this as you doing it on your own, with no money.

There will be other opportunities to get pregnant, after you’ve built a career. If you’re in a job other than minimum wage/inskilled, earnings go up steeply in the first 5-10 years and you need to get to that level and get the work experience behind you to give your baby the best life and opportunities you can - hopefully also a dad.

Bringing up a baby is hard. Alone and in poverty - even worse. You could give them a much better life if you waited 5-10 years. You’d have a better life too!

”I have no idea what to do about my relationship.” - Take control and end it. If he does this now, he’ll only do worse later and upset you even more. Decent, reliable men don’t have drunken one-night stands (at least, not unless they are single and you could argue even then it’s not what a decent man does…)

Gosh, this is a lot to be dealing with.

This stood out to me "Part of me feels like I can’t keep the baby anymore because everything feels so tainted by what’s happened". If you go ahead with the pregnancy, once the baby arrives, you're not going to think of your baby as being tainted in any way. However I wouldn't put any faith in a man who cheats on you in these (or any) circumstances. He sounds immature. Having a baby is relentless and exhausting, you need people around you who care about you and don't mess you around.

No one is going to be able to tell you whether to go ahead with the pregnancy or not. That's up to you. It's bloody hard work (harder than I can explain) and you will lose your freedom for a long time.

Are you able to provide for your child, financially and emotionally?

Good luck!

You are looking at co-parenting with an ex-boyfriend or not continuing with the pregnancy.

I'd be having a termination.

What do you want from life?
do you want more travel, a specific career or ultimately to be a mom at 22? No judgment whatever you pick.
i was 26, married and in full time employment when I had my firsy and looking back I felt VERY young and it was a huge shock and I did struggle. That was with a supportive husband too.
I am sure what I’d do if it were me.

Ffs she’s 6 weeks - it’s not a “baby” it’s barely a collection of cells and she’s not a “mum” until/if she gives birth.
I loathe this use of language to put emotional pressure on women.

OP, you’re so young. Your relationship isn’t going to last. Personally I would advise termination and go out there and have a fab life, career, travel, whatever you want. You have so many years ahead to have fun and do what you want. And loads of time to meet someone to have and fully share the joy of a family with later IF that’s what you want.

You're not in a stable relationship but if you carry on with the pregnancy, you'll be tied to this man for at least 18 years. This will impact your future relationships.

You're very young, what are your plans for a career?

I’ve been in a similar situation… Similar as in people told me I should have an abortion.
I’ve never been good at being told what to do and I went with my heart not my head. My eldest isn’t much younger than you are now and I have never once regretted having him. Yes, it’s been really hard. His father isn’t involved and I regret that (for my son, not me) but it was not for the want of me trying to involve him and therefore out of my control. I still hold out hope they will have a relationship one day.
Then… I met another man… thought he was fantastic… I was 10 weeks into my pregnancy with him and we split up. I was so so upset about it all and again, people thought I should have an abortion. I didn’t! Second son’s father is much more involved and that’s been harder strangely enough! But things are easier now.
I didn’t have lots of family support. But I had myself and I’m pretty capable.
I was able to work full time but even then, one income households are hard.
I was 10 years older than you when I had my first and I had an established career which I wasn’t able to go back to. All my money and savings dried up. It was hard.
Yes, you are young… but you have an education and you will be young enough to still have a fantastic career if you want to.
I do not regret a thing. I have an incredible relationship with my sons and I’m very happy. I have loved being a single mum too. I suppose I’ve never known anything different.
I think if you want to have this baby… have the baby. I’m bristling at the thought that your (ex?) boyfriend’s actions could stop you doing what you want to do? This is your decision to make. Make it for you, not him.

The reason women have the option to abort is so they can decide for themselves what they want. It's not so they can be pressurised into an abortion they don't want. You won't be the first youngish (probably single) mum, and though it'll be hard, it sounds like you have family support at least.

Women fought for the right to be able to choose. You can choose whatever you want.

The same if I'm honest. But I'm not your mum and the only person who can make this decision is you. And you are the one that will live with it.

A cute baby is an appealing idea.

The reality:

It will change your life forever. That man will always be your baby's father regardless of what happens with the two of you.

Your body will change and may never return to normal.

It's extremely expensive.

You will have to always put your child first, no more travelling, you will be stuck in part time work which limits your career options for some time.

If you terminate you can do exactly what you please, hopefully meet a sensible partner who will make a good dad in ten years or so when you've had more adventures, lived your life, got a career and a home etc etc.

You need to be realistic i think.

Good luck, whatever you do. X

You said you have a supportive mum and supportive family, so even though the baby's dad isn't around, you could do this.
It won't be easy but you said you really want the baby. You need to go with your heart or you will likely regret it.

The choice is yours of course but being a single parent is a very lonely life. Child tucked up in bed at 7pm and it's just you and the TV for company.

Personally I would ditch the bloke and terminate in the hope I would have kids with a lovely responsible and faithful partner in the future and my child not being brought up in a 50/50 custody arrangement.

(Not judging, just speaking from experience).

He cheated, I'd guess, to psychologically signal to both himself and you that he is not settling down and isn't ready. You know that now.

Can you support yourself and a baby? Can you work out the next 18+ years? Are you OK being alone? Do you want the whole of a child? Not just a baby, but also a tween, a teen (in your 30s) and to probably not have siblings easily and close.

It's a lot. And has nothing to do with your friends, or with him. The decision is yours.

One day, my dear, you will have a beautiful baby with a man who loves and respects you. You'll parent together and get through the trenches of newborn life together. You will bring your baby home to a lovely, comfortable home, and you'll spend a nice long maternity leave with that baby because you'll have a career, money and experience behind you.

But this pregnancy will tie you to an immature, selfish cheater who isn't worth his word. If nothing else, don't give him the satisfaction of passing on his DNA.

It's ok to grieve this pregnancy and what might have been. But you should focus on yourself and your future, and the kind of life you could build for yourself and your future family. You are still so young.

Of course your nearest and dearest aren't going to tell you what to do one way or the other, lest they get blamed in the future.

You said that 'from the moment I found out I've felt that I would really love to keep this pregnancy' and that you are scared 'regret it for the rest of your life' if you have an abortion. You are worried it's all 'tainted' but 'desperately' want to continue.
You need to separate relationship and pregnancy. Relationship may or may not recover. Like many others you will cope if you go through with it. Only you can decide - I am a heart over head person so know what I would do. It's a sliding doors moment.

You will be the best and only reliable parent for your child. Only you know what you could be capable of. You clearly want the baby so keep the pregnancy if that is what you really do want. Listen to your heart and think of the practicalities and get them sorted.

Your only 22. You have finished education and recently come back from travelling. At this stage your not in a financial position to have a baby. The father of the child has cheated on you so he obviously has little or no interest in you or his child to be. Along with this he will be in your life for the next 18 years plus and you probably be dealing with the CMS to get money off him to raise this baby. He will be off living his life.
If you have this baby your stuck at home with a baby and possibly part time work and benefits for a few year's.
You watch your friends get there first jobs after university jobs, see them go on holidays and see them enjoying there 20s. They have the ability to move to get a better job, build up there careers and savings before having a child with a man who wants the same.

In your position I would have an abortion and sort out better contraception. Tell your so called boyfriend to get lost because he will never change. Then work on getting a job and building up your own life over the next few years.