To go ahead with abortion or not?

[BeBreezyLilacWriter]

Hello everyone,

I recently found out I’m pregnant and I’m currently around six weeks along. For a bit of context, I’m 22 years old, I’ve just graduated from university, and I recently got back from travelling.

From the moment I found out, I’ve felt that I would really love to keep this pregnancy. I’ve spoken to my mum, and she has been incredibly supportive. She’s offered to let me stay at home while I get on my feet, and I know I’d have support from my family. I also have a few cousins around my age who are pregnant or have recently had babies, so I know I wouldn’t be completely alone.

The difficult part is that I feel like everyone around me is encouraging me to have an abortion. I completely understand why people think it might be the better option given my age and where I am in life, but if I’m honest, I don’t think it’s what I want. I’m scared that if I go through with an abortion because of the pressure from other people, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.

My partner and I have been on and off for about a year, but we became exclusive again around two months ago after I got back from travelling. When I told him about the pregnancy, he took the news well. He said he would support me if I decided to keep the baby, although he did admit he didn’t think the timing was ideal.

Unfortunately, everything became much more complicated last week. We’d been going through a bit of a rough patch, and while I was away for the weekend, he had a drunken one night stand. When I came home on Sunday, he told me straight away. I’m absolutely devastated. I genuinely never thought he was capable of something like this, and both he and his family are incredibly upset. They all say it was completely out of character, and he has been extremely remorseful.

Now I feel completely torn. Part of me feels like I can’t keep the baby anymore because everything feels so tainted by what’s happened, but another part of me still desperately wants to continue the pregnancy. I don’t know whether my feelings about the pregnancy have actually changed, or whether I’m just heartbroken and overwhelmed by everything that’s happened.

I also have no idea what to do about my relationship. I feel like I’m being pulled in so many different directions, and I don’t know whether to try to work through what’s happened or walk away.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I’d really appreciate any advice please x

I think you go with your initial instinct
in this case. There will always be jobs and parties. Ensure you get proper financial support from your ex/boyfriend, but don't try and force a romantic relationship with him.

It's not the baby's fault that your partner did what he did so I would try to uncouple the two things of feeling the pregnancy is 'tainted' by his actions. HE is tainted by them. Forgiving him, or not, is a different question.

as for the pregnancy, for me, it's simple. Keep baby. You might have to do it solo but you said your mum is there to support you. The other thing you said at first is that you want the baby. So keep it.

Right now, I'm sitting here feeding a 2 week old baby that I thought seriously about aborting. Thank God I didn't. His little face is the face behind that second line on that pregnancy test, a second line that scared the daylights out of me. And yet, here he is, the best thing to ever have happened to me. Thank god I didn't abort him.

The reality is that right now OP's baby isn't a baby at all. It is a mass of cells with the potential for life. There are pictures available on the internet of 6 week old embryos outside the womb and they look like weird grains of rice. If is incomparable to your newborn and it's important to remember that whatever OP chooses may lead to potential babies not being born.

If you use contraception or simply family plan in a specific way then this can make the difference between babies being born or not being born. We all have alternative futures with different combinations of potential children but that isn't a reason to pursue a pregnancy in itself. OP could abort today and be pregnant again next month. This would mean a different baby would be brought into the world that wouldn't exist if OP pursued this pregnancy. It's an ideological rabbit hole that ultimately ends in never preventing any pregnancies in anyway as this is also denying potential life.

OP I think you instinctively know that it's a bad idea to keep this baby. You are too young, not established enough and have an unreliable partner who has already shown you that he can't handle the responsibility of being a good partner, let alone a good father. What kind of life can you offer a child now? Do you not think your future children deserve better? It's all very well people talking about heart over head but it will hurt your heart to see your child go without because of the choices you have made. Go without a stable family unit because you already know that your relationship is doomed. Go without material things as it will be so difficult to establish a career as a young single parent tied down by a baby.

As PP have referenced upthread, this probably isn't your only or even best chance to have babies. You are still so young and there is so much more of the race to run.

I'm sorry your partner cheated on you while you're making this huge decision.

Only you know whether you really want to go through with this pregnancy and support a baby. It sounds like your instinct is yes but perhaps that was when you thought you would be doing it as a partnership. If you still feel it's a yes if you're doing it alone, then that's what you should do. But if the idea of doing it as a single mum changes things then it's OK to change your mind and have the abortion.

I know you're not saying you're leaving your partner because he cheated on you, I'm just saying it was a really shitty thing to do and isn't a great sign in terms of his commitment. I hope you do work things out but I think you should take into account the possibility that you won't when you're making a decision about the pregnancy.

I definitely would not want a baby in your position. Having a child is life changing and incredibly hard, it's hard enough when you are settled, financially secure and ready, never mind when you aren't in a stable relationship.

You mention coming back from travelling, when you have a baby you are giving up your independence, especially if you could potentially be a single Mum.

By the sounds of things you could well end up raising the child alone, what would that look like for any future relationships and children you might have? It's well.documented on here how extremely challenging blended and step families can be.

Of course, it's your decision but it doesn't sound right for you just now. And also, it's a lot for your Mum to take on as well.

You are kind glamorising pregnancy and motherhood, it is a slog most days and defo one easier with a supportive partner. Your mum can’t be that replacement. What back up
plans do you have to support this child should something happen to you’re mum etc, sorry to be harsh; but it’s not just being pregnant it’s having the village to raise the child

I'm afraid no one but you can make that decision. You have to go with your gut instinct.
Having a child is wonderful and love for a child is the strongest but it's not easy and there are compromises to be made so please bear in mind the following and be honest with yourself.

1. a child will change your life forever, are you ready to always put another person first always? Are you prepared to miss out on nights out, holidays with friends, compromise your career choices etc for your child?
2. . Your child won't be a baby forever but an individual in their own right with their own personality are you prepared ready to be totally responsible for another human being and one who isn't always a cute sleeping baby?
3. if you keep the baby be prepared to bring him/her up as a single parent because your partner is obviously immature, unreliable and not to be trusted. A child deserves better than him

I do agree with this. It's harder than you can ever imagine, and that's being in my thirties with a great career and a supportive husband. Everyone I know once they've had a baby, says I'm so sorry for not supporting my friends more who had one, I had no idea what it was like. I would never want to do it at 22, without a supportive partner, and no established career or money of my own. For me personally this would be a head over heart decision, but I know others are different.

I think others have good advice re the partner, you need to separate the two. He is not a good partner, on again off again, he cheats on you. This is not your life partner, you deserve better. Value yourself.

But then you need to come to terms with the fact you will be having the baby alone if you decide to go ahead. Find some posts on here, or reddit, of people with a newborn and see how hard they find it. Read some things about toddler behaviour, costs once they become teenagers, how hard mums find it to go back to their careers and be split between baby and work. Research the realities not just the idea of a child. Then make an informed decision. At least then you won't have regrets or feel resentment if you go ahead, because you didn't know what you were getting into.

im sorry you’re going through all this. I’ve been in a similar situation and it’s so hard.
I really believe that if someone truly loves you and wants to do life with you, they’d never put themselves in a position to hurt you, especially during a very vulnerable time.
It is up to you if you forgive him or not, but if you do choose this pregnancy be prepared for the possibility of having to do it alone. I wish you the best with whatever you choose

The poster complained she felt pressured to abort. Got more people nudging her towards termination.

But equally the title of her thread and her OP ask for opinions and advice. What are posters supposed to do? Pretend that they think she should have ethe baby when they don't think that at all.

By cheating on you he's telling you as loudly as he can that he isn't ready and doesn't want this baby. If you are happy to have this baby alone with no job and to live with your mum indefinitely then go for it. You can't ask the question on a forum and expect everyone to say having a baby in your situation is a great idea, there are reasons everyone in your real life think a termination is a good idea and some people on her will feel the same way. But you have to do what's right for you and if you have the baby then I'm sure they will be supportive. Only you can make this difficult choice, but having a baby is life changing and incredibly hard work even in the perfect situation.

You want a thread full of people saying that a 22 yo with no job, no partner, no experience should have a baby without a second thought?

BTW I was part of a program supporting young mums to parent. I support both the choice to not proceed, and to proceed. But with eyes WIDE open. OP has a cheat for a child’s father, tell me he will be present and reliable… she’s tying herself to a dud.

If she decides it’s right, great. But with all the facts.

Your decision might be easier if you see a debunked, unbiased photo of what an embryo looks like. Many fake images make it look like a mini baby but actually it looks more like period tissue. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/oct/18/pregnancy-weeks-abortion-tissue

Hi op I’m sorry your boyfriend let you down so badly, betrayal hurts like hell.

the best advice I have is for you to call an abortion provider and ask them to refer you for free decision counselling, I had this and they were brilliant about helping me make a decision and know it was the right decision for me and filter out the noise from everyone else.

I would say it’s very likely if you do have baby youll be doing it alone or with a coparent, both of which are pretty stressful. You do have options to have a baby solo later on in life, or every change of meeting a partner to do it with. But you may decide that coparenting with your mums support is what you what to do now and by the time your my age your child will be off to uni and you can have your fun travelling party years then ! (I did lots of travelling and parties in my 20s ans early 30s and now still do every other Saturday night!)

The decision is yours but if you do decide to continue just bear in mind that children need fathers and fathers also have rights. I don't think the advice to get rid of boyfriend and go it alone is realistic. Make sure you consider all the relevant practical issues before deciding, rather than just making an emotional decision.
Remember it is easy to give 'go it alone' advice over the internet - but it is you that will be holding the 'baby' - for the next 18 years.

As lovely as babies are, it's not a 'baby' it's a child, a dependant. It's all the stages a human being goes through from birth to age 18 and beyond.
The father will always be the father and may still be around (probably won't), he might want shared custody, he might pass the childcare to the nearest female at the time. He or she could end up with a step-mother or half-siblings.
The child will be your child 24/7 for the rest of your life.

I don't think people are doing that they are just trying to make sure she makes an informed choice.
I think everyone has said it has to be her decision but they also want to make sure she fully understands the reality of the situation

@BeBreezyLilacWriter follow your gut especially if you have a supportive family !!

just be prepared to totally deassociate baby and partner (don’t have baby cause you have expectations of him)

you do have to learn to be strong individual though , don’t get influenced by others or by ex’s situation. Put facts down and if you can afford go for it !

Also you don’t have to think that a baby is a mass of cells! Who gives a monkey about science!
Attachment is there already ! Think both with your heart and pocket !

I was in your position (minus the cheating boyfriend part). And here is what I did…

I took a test first thing in the morning, it was positive.
I went downstairs and started smoking and I pictures this:
I pictured me, alone, with a baby. I pictured me, raising a child with no help, no boyfriend, no husband. I listed all the sacrifices I would have to make. I imagined what sort of life I would have with a baby in tow and who would help me whilst I worked and how I would cope financially alone.

After about 10 cigarettes I came to the conclusion that I could manage alone, and that I really wanted to carry on with the pregnancy and that no matter what, I was growing a new life inside me and I would do my very best to raise it. It was me and baby against the world.

That pregnancy is now a tall, handsome, clever, funny and loving 14 year old boy that I am so very lucky to have.

Luckily, His dad pulled through, sorted himself out, and has been a good dad (and now husband).

Nobody can make this decision but you. If you can see yourself and baby happy, alone and just the two of you, then you’ve got your answer.
But if your decision is based
on hope or confusion about your relationship and boyfriend then you won’t be able to make a correct decision. You need to separate the two things and think only of yourself.